The end

I feel a little guilty for not posting lately, I'm just beginning to bore myself. I don't have a lot to say except thank you. I have a warm place to stay, a good job... I'm healthy, I have friends and family. Work has been crazy this weekend, and while I'm not making mad money, I can just about pay my rent and bills on time and I've been able to stay ok through the craziness of the first wave of season.

Its the day after christmas and I'm about to enjoy some grilled conch (pronounced conk) at a cool jamacain place a couple blocks from my house (hee hee hee). It is supposed to get down to 39 tonight, and with the wind, it is cold. Relatively. But if you don't have four walls and a roof...

I'm not a very big fan of christmas. Usually I do my best to ignore it until it goes away. This year was easy. The only real reminders were lights and the occasional "merry christmas". I sent one card, and that was about enough. I'm sorry the card wasn't to you, but I only have so much christmas spirit, and I spent it on the one I would've felt really guilty if I hadn't.

So I'm thinking about stopping this blog. I started it with the intention of chronicling my experiences of homelessness until I got on my boat. Well, I sort of crapped out and took a shared apartment. Now I'm not struggling too much, and am about to start saving for the boat. I am still doing my best to live the good buddhist life, but if you do it right, I think, it is pretty boring. You just live and give thanks. Who wants to read about that?

My roommate is always on the verge of self-destructing. She has a decent place to work, but she is a professional, and the people she works with aren't. Consequently, they hate her, and since they share tips, she isn't making much money. If it wasn't that, it would probably be something else. I love her, and I am thankful to understand that I don't have to be crazy just because the world around me is. So I am saving my money and being the best friend I can be without telling anyone what to do.

I'm loving this restuarant. I have to go to jamaica. I have to get to the carribean on my boat. And once I get there, I doubt I will ever come back. Just found out they are out of conch. Bummer. This has been a busy weekend. When I came in, they said I could have one of three or four dishes. Down to two or three now. I'm going for the poached fish.

My soulmate is still not in my life, but maybe she will be before I leave. Life is short. I'm not waiting for her, she wouldn't want me to. But god is managing my life, thank you, I fired the last manager I had... uh, yes, that would be me; I was incompetent for the job.

When season kicks in... that's what people in the wrong job are saying now. Season kicked in about two weeks ago, and I am in the right place at the right time. Thank you. I think I remember saying this would happen...

So I have a really good life; I have enough. I don't needs anything I haven't got. I am not special. Anyone reading this blog can have the same peace of mind that I have. I doubt you would want my life, I don't really have anything. But I have peace. And that is something that most people I know don't have. And that is the most curious thing to me, because we all create our own problems. We literally create them. And if you stop wanting, stop desiring things, your problems go away pretty fast. Thank you.

I don't know when I will post again. Please email me if you want to talk, I can never have enough friends or family. When I get my boat I will start another blog because that will be the next chapter. Better pictures in the next one, I promise. Maybe I will change my mind, but I doubt it. My life is blessedly, peacefully, boring. Thank you.

I started this blog with a prayer, and I guess I should finish with one.

Thank you father for giving me the words and the experiences to help those who have benefited from this blog. Please let it be that those who need will find. Please take away from me, my the burden of self. Guide me through my thoughts and feelings to do your will instinctively. Let me be an instrument of your peace, fill my heart with your love so that I can give it to all that I meet. Let all of my thoughts and actions be for the good of all, according to the free will of all, and so must it be. Thank you.

Why I write.

I'm still adjusting, and my roommate is being very patient with me. I have lived alone for the last five years, and for the last four months, I've slept outdoors. So when I come home from work and there are people in "my" space, and animals, and noise, and I can't seem to find anywhere quiet, and I can't leave because I need to lend emotional support, it just all gets to be a little much.

So what do I do? I wait. I can't get the peace to collect my thoughts to write, so I don't write. Finally, it is quiet. I have talked with her and told her what I experienced tonight, and even though she's ready to go to sleep, she says "write your blog, go find your peace, do what you need". That's why I love her. She calls me a child even though I'm seven years older. But she has kids...

Anyway...

Over and over I notice that I learn things when I don't assume that I'm right. That may sound like a no-brainer, but it is so in-grained in human nature to believe that you are right, I don't think most people give it two thoughts. Most of the time anyway.

Me, I keep it in my head that I might be wrong. I started this habit out of a desire to avoid embarrasment. After I would get upset with serious conviction, later, after I calmed down and thought about it, and opened my mind to the other person's viewpoint, and realized that even though I was right within my own view of reality, the other person saw things differently, and they were actually equally right within their own view of reality, and who is to say, really, who's reality is more right? So I would have to appologize, because I recognized that I didn't understand the basis of their position. And really, aren't you better off understanding not only yourself, but someone else too? And isn't it better to create peace by humbling yourself with a better understanding of them so that they can try to understand you without threat of embarassment to themselves? Aren't you a better person if you can tolerate humbling yourself so love can happen than if you can't?

I have found that I have to appologize less if I keep this in mind. In fact, now when I get upset and want to rip into someone, I don't because I figure I just stumbled on to some of my own baggage.

Then the next thing is that my god never stops trying to bring me to him. If there is something seperating us, he keeps throwing it in my face until I deal with it and let it go. Atleast that is what I believe is happening. Why else would I keep running into the same problems with different people?

And the cool thing is that my god creates the situations in my life to help me figure this stuff out as I go. I met my roommate at exactly the right time in exactly the right way. I remember freaking out because I thought she got fired, then she came back and I said we have to exchange phone numbers so we don't lose each other. And she got fired again, and we stayed in touch, and here we are. We are together because we both have really good things to learn from each other. That's how it works. All the time. You just have to be patient and watch the coincidences in your life, pay attention to your heart, and do what it tells you, without second guessing. God loves us all the same. I don't care how you conceptuallize god. I don't care what you call him, whether you talk to him or not. IT is bigger than me, and bigger than you. IT IS, and will always be. Actually, time, the concept of "always", is probably one more of our misunderstandings.

Whatever is the truth, the truth wants us all to know it. Start by considering that there is something bigger than "I", and pretend that by letting go of I, you will become bigger.

So dude, I am so upset that I missed the 400 year coincidence of the winter solstice and an eclipse of the moon. I can't tell you how happy I am that we've passed another winter solstice. I am living in a place now where it doesn't really get that cold, but still I don't like the short days. I didn't want to get up at 3 am anyway, I had to work, and really, who cares? If I had grandchildren, would they care that I witnesses it? No, I think they would be more impressed by me telling them what it was like when we thought people were less because of their skin color or sexual preference or by what name they called god.

So what does all of this have to do with my boat or being homeless? Absolutely nothing. Life is a one-time ride. You live and learn the most that you can every day because you don't get to do it again. I write because I'm pretty sure that if I come back, I won't immediately know what I know now. And as you get older, the words, "If I'd known then what I know now" become more and more poignant.

I like being alone. My thoughts become clearer when I am alone. I like being with others. I understand life better when I understand others, and myself through them. I hope my life has had some value, and I hope that by writing what I have come to understand I will help someone else learn a little more than I have been able to learn.

I think that's what children are for... to pass on and help them do better. I didn't get to have children, and man, I don't want them now, so I write.

December in miami beach

I walked out of my apartment tonight, I love saying that, and saw a beetle walking across the sidewalk. I think it was god, and I imagined him curling up in a warm spot in the dirt under some leaves. That's how I know I had a good day.

Tonight one of my roommate's friends came to visit. He's our age, and even though I have liked him since I met him, five or six visits and a couple months ago, he loves to talk... about not much... and I've gotten so I kind of have preferred to sit outside and enjoy the quiet when he is there. Tonight, he was there when I got home, so I joined their conversation while I had a couple glasses of wine to relax. As we talked, I discovered he was tested positive in 1990. I thought he was mildly schzophrenic, maybe he is, but suddenly he was a different person to me. We talked more, and I told him about some of my past (that I still don't know you well enough to tell), and he became much less schzophrenic to me and much more... something.

We were talking about how miami beach is superficial. They were down on it, saying in other places there was more to do, and people cared less about appearances. That you were less alone in other places. I argued that you are always alone, and if you can count your truly good friends on more than one hand, you are lucky. I said that miami beach is unusual, but before I could start to talk about how easily friendships are made and lost here, they went on with the conversation.

I had to leave (miami beach), and get myself alone before I could come back, being comfortable alone, and really enjoy this place. It is superficial, in the extreme. And it is also a beautiful place. I was walking tonight and think I may have found another holy spot. I was walking and suddenly began feeling that same loud peacefulness that I found on 3rd and meridian. I started to wonder if miami beach is full of these spots...

So I told my friend's friend that I would be his friend in the real sense of the word. He was like, ok, yeah, great. He doesn't know... but I think he is real, for lack of a better word. I love real people, and I hang on to them as best I can. It does take two though, so we will see.

I went to work this morning. I was busy, but not too busy. I was able to give really good service to almost all of my tables, and while I didn't make mad money, I walked with enough. And I was happy. My roommate had a slightly less difficult day, and tonight she still had a job, so I am happy about that too. I am off tomorrow, woohoo! And I work six days after that. Yea! I always get what I need. So does everyone I know.

I'm close to going for pizza, but have to touch base with my lovely israeli bartender friend first. When I walked out of the apartment, my apartment, (smile), and saw the beetle,  I remembered the zen expression about seeing god in a blade of grass. I saw god again, without the use of chemicals, and when that happens, it's a good day in my book.

Calm seas and the wind at your back. Don't let go of your real friends, and don't step on beetles.

Warm and dry is good

Just getting over a head cold. Its very nice to have a place to stay indoors when you're sick and its raining and cold.

Over the last week, I've noticed my postings getting negative. Or atleast me getting resentful when I write. My last posting got stuck in my outbox so it never posted, and I was glad. So even though my intention is to be honest in this blog, I found that there was some yucky stuff clinging to the edges of my thoughts that seemed to be increased by writing. When I was younger, I journalled. I stopped when I realized my writing was really just a place to vent and complain. I was able to put those things away without really dealing with them. Also my girlfriends tended to find and read my journals, so I just stopped writing.

This blog wasn't supposed to be a journal. It was supposed to be a record of my thoughts and experiences that came as the result of my decision to be homeless so I could stay in miami beach and eventually get a boat. So what has happened over the last few days?

I haven't gotten my boat yet... I have been continuing to adjust to paying rent for an apartment, and sharing someone else's space. I am still a little disappointed that I am paying rent. And I am glad to be inside when it is cold, and when I am sick. I like not having to worry about where I will spend my off time, or where I will shower. I did choose to give up my homelessness, but not because it beat me.

I have a very good friend who is benefiting from us living together. I am benefiting from us living together. I think if I had stayed in the truck it would not have been the best choice. I believe you have to look at what you are given, as honestly as possible, and act according to your inner voice. Your god inside. So even though part of me is saying I took a step back, away from the boat, another part of me remembers that I don't know everything that is happening, that god knows what I need before I do, and I will get to live on my boat exactly when god says it's time, not before. Still my human nature, my child keeps asking when will it be time? I bought a lottery ticket but didn't win. Not time yet.

Yesterday my roommate came home very upset from work. She has gotten into a conflict with her manager. She vents to me. One of my feelings is fear that she will lose this job, then she won't be able to find another, she will have to go back to paris, and I will have to find somewhere to live or stay in my truck again. Fear is removed by faith. Fear comes from attachment. I listen, let her know I am on her side, even get up in the middle of the night to listen some more. This morning she's nervous, not angry. She goes to work.

Yesterday it rained and I was sick, so when the manager asked for volunteers to leave early, I left. I made $14 on a Saturday. But I came home, ate, slept, stayed warm and dry, and today I feel on the upswing with the head cold. Washing clothes, polished shoes, reminding myself that all that really matters is that I clean the yucky stuff off my thoughts, and keep being a good waiter and as good a friend as I can be. I will not be hungry, I will have all that I need and some of what I want.

In case there is any misunderstanding, my roommate doesn't use drugs. The dealer came unannounced, and he left quickly. We are both trying to make a life. Looking for something beyond artificial. There are always bumps in life, but right now, nothing more than pebbles in the road. I like having a friend who I help take care of, and who helps take care of me, without any of the wierdness that comes when you are intimate. I miss it, but having experience the real thing, I don't want to disappoint myself with anything less. My friend is my friend, my soulmate is my lover. Big difference.

As they say in AA, trudging the happy road to destiny...

Drugs

People use drugs of all different types for all sorts of different reasons. I'm sure no expert, but I do know my experience, and I have spent a lot of time, money, and my family's money figuring out why I used them.

Last night when the dealer was in our apartment I had absolutely no desire. I am really happy about that. Something has changed in my relationship to myself, and I think it has to do with a change in my relationship with my higher power. I call it god because the word has only one syllable, three letters, and if you reverse them you get dog; the closest things to angels on earth that I've found.

In the last six months, and especially the first three months of that period, my relationship with god changed. I decided to stay in miami beach and live in my truck on 28 july 2010. For the next three months I was never hungry. One time I had to ask my family for help, and both my parents sent money. Every other day I had enough. I came to trust that I would always have enough. That is big for me.

I think maybe we all have themes that run through our lives. I have certainly always had issues with money. Or more specifically, worrying about having enough. And I always looked outside myself for my sustinence. My experiences this last summer somehow allowed me to let go of that anxiety. I still worry, but I am not affraid.

This conflict I've been having with my roommate/friend about how much I drink I think, is a vehicle for working out something else for both of us. I don't know what it means to her, but for me it is about reaffirming that trust. Maybe. I won't be different to please someone else ever again. I don't have to. I will always be taken care of.

And also I have an obligation to love, to not act from selfish motives, and to allow things to unfold as they will without me trying to control them. My emotions don't overwhelm me anymore. I don't have to kill them with psychoactive substances. And everything really will be okay.

I don't know what will happen with my friend, or with me living here. I don't know what will happen with my boat or with my soulmate. But I do know that everything will be okay. I know that I am doing the best that I can to do what my understanding of god wants me to do, and I know that I and my understanding are no where near perfect. And, I think this is what life is supposed to be; a chance to struggle to understand. A chance to try to be good.

On and on

I told you things don't stay peaceful for very long, right? I am waiting for my friend to come back from the store. She rented a movie last night and put it on today. She fell asleep before it was over. I watched until the end.

I have decided that not only do I not like tv or the news, I'm not going to watch movies anymore either. Those who know me know this is a little extreme. After the movie was over though, I was full of emotions that weren't mine. I am reminding myself now a little bit of the crazy people who think dancing is evil. I will never go that far, I love to dance, especially to reggae music. They seem to think emotion is bad. I don't. I think emotion is good. It is the stuff of life. But emotion that comes from tv, movies, even books maybe, is not your own emotion.

I like the emotions that come to me from the people and situations in my life. When I finished watching that movie, I felt old and tired. I felt like I needed to shoot up something to take me away from my weiriness. (Spelling?). And I will never do that again.

So, I suddenly realized that I have a good life. Good emotions come to me as I live my life. Bad emotions, self-destructive emotions come to me when I allow myself to receive them vicariously.

So my friend texted me again that she doesn't want any alcohol in the house. I texted back thanks for the movie. As I was comming home I ran into her on the sidewalk. She said I left the tv on and it woke her up. Actually, I turned the tv way down, and when I left billy was upset, and he woke her up. Doesn't matter, really.

I will not live with someone who dictates anything about how I live my life, ever again. I won't talk to anyone who does the same. And also, I will not freak out because my friend freaks out. When she comes back I will apologize, tell her I will not stop drinking, and ask her if I have to leave tonight.

It would be much better for me to not pay rent, and also I am here because god put me here. I pray now to do what is god's will. The highest good, even if I don't understand it.

It is windy and cold outside. The forecast calls for a low in the mid-30's. Fortunately I have enough money for a hostel bed for a few nights, and it is supposed to get warmer by freiday.

....

My friend came home. She tells me I am like a teen-ager, I do what I want when I want. I say yes, so what? Who am I supposed to answer to? My friend? My father? My grandmother? Or my higher power?

Funny thing happened. As we were having our discussion, a drug dealer came by. I had $500 in my pocket, he probably had an eightball in his pocket. I bet I could find a needle somewhere... I will never do that again.

We go on.

Nothing new...

Its about to get cold again. I have worn shorts for the last two days, but tomorrow night the temperature is supposed to touch the 30's.

I cooked a pork chop and corn on the cob tonight. Food you cook yourself just tastes so much better than food cooked by someone who does it for money.

I'm relaxing indoors with my friend, listening to the wind outside. Billy the jack russel is chewing quietly on a rawhide twist, bikini the cat seems to be past her esterus. She is back to randomly attacking billy, and is no longer soliciting his attention.

Life is quiet for the moment.

I like it when everything is fine. Something is sure to throw things out of balance soon. That's the nature of life. Then we will adjust, and homeostasis will return. It never ends. Until it ends.

I can't think of anything interesting to say tonight. Nothing is perfect, but life is generally good. I'm just continuing to paddle.

Don't steal. Anything. Ever.

I am in south beach to make money. I am on this planet at this time to try to do good. I am living in my friend's apartment because we have something(s) to learn from each other. Atleast this is what I tell myself.

For a waiter, south beach in season is one of the best places in the country to be. I sweated out four months of homelessnes in restuarant hell because I knew if I could stay here I would make money. I made it through the worst physically. Now I live in an apartment, I have a job at a very good place, and I still have my sanity, I think... atleast as much as I ever did.

I had a day off yesterday. I was up at 7:30, did laundry, went to the hardware store to get a part to fix the kitchen light. Went to the library, had two good walks, and a nap. I even cooked last night. All in all, a good day. On one of my walks I was at the marina, looking into the water. It was a clear bluegreen, I could see coral, an angel fish, and a parrot fish. I was reminded that I'm not there yet. I want to be on a boat, on the water, eating fish that I speared myself less than two hours before I take the first bite. I will get there.

South beach is populated by mostly children. They want to look good, see and be seen. It makes for great people watching. If I could take pictures while I worked, I'd have many interesting ones to share. And sometimes it gets tiring. But there are also wise people here. My first table today was a guy, probably around 75, who moved here permanently from pittsburg in '68. His family were servers here starting in the '20's. It was very cool talking to him. Then I had a bunch of self-absorbed, but for the most part cool, people. I walked with a buck on a very slow Saturday. All my money this weekend goes toward rent.

There's another guy who lifts my spirits. This old, skinny homeless black guy with a big white beard who wears white socks with flip-flops and likes to smoke cigars. I used to run into him at the laundromat, now I see him at the library, and occasionally walking on lincoln road. I don't know if his brain works very well, but one day, a couple months ago, he looked me in the eye with recognition, and said hi. That's about all we've talked, but there was a meeting of kindred spirits that bouys me everytime I see him now.

I am still in the canoe with god. The paddeling I am doing now is more about paying attention to everything I do, as if I were doing it for him. When I set up in the morning, I wonder which table he will sit at today. Because I know he will visit me, and he will probably be my most difficult customer of the day. My god definitely has a sense of humor, and loves to challenge me.

I don't know how long I'm going to stay in this apartment. Maybe just through the worst of the winter. I told my friend I would help her stay, and to me that means staying until she is stable. I really don't like paying rent, and sharing her life is a little difficult for me. She is a normal human being. She is a little crazy. Lately, I have to remind myself that I don't have to run away from her craziness, that maybe I am supposed to show her one or two things that I've learned. And maybe in doing so, I will learn some more.

I had a therapist once who said, with a bit of sarcasm, that I avoid relationships because they're "messy". Well, I guess it's true. I don't like other people's shit. In the past, I've pretty much just let them have whatever they wanted and put some distance between them and me. Now, maybe I'm willing to tolerate a little messiness. But when you start being mean to dogs I don't have much patience. In fact, I really just want to go back to my friends house right now and slap her like she slapped billy for no reason. But I'm not going to. If she does it again... when she does it again... this is when you have to take a step back.

I had another therapist once, who talked about "wolf learning". Where you don't respond to the act, but you respond to the thought that is in the right direction after the thought behind the act. You respond in a way that is understood when you learn. Follow? So I don't need to respond to the slap, but to the jealousy and resentment that is behind the slap. I encourage them to bond. Or, I could just move out and let one more crazy person continue being crazy.

I want to be on my boat, staring at the full moon like a lover, tanning in the light of the stars 100 miles offshore, eating fish that were alive two hours ago. I want to be alone in a way that makes you feel when I am comming. And I want to die believing that I contributed somehow. Is that so much to ask? I figure about ten grand gets me there. I should be much closer come spring.

Cool breezes, clear skys, calm seas, and the wind at my back...

I took some pictures yesterday with my camera, but my friend slapped billy before I could think about transferring them from camera to computer to phone. I'll get this worked out. Still curse the guys who stole my nikon digital slr. Don't steal. Anything, ever.

Award winning reporting

I just read a couple articles in the new york times and was very quickly reminded why I don't watch or read the news.

First I read about how a repeal of the don't ask don't tell policy for gays in the military failed to pass. I suppose that we are legislating equality is a good thing. Isn't that what the constitution was supposed to have laid out 200 years ago? But we had to make another law saying women are also equal, and another saying blacks are also equal. Now we seem to be trying to decide if homosexuals are also equal... all white heterosexual presbryterian men are equal, everyone else I guess we take on a case by case basis.

Then I read about the wikileaks hooha. Turns out the sexual crimes the founder has been arrested for is that he stopped using a condom... I also read that paypal and mastercard stopped processing payments to wikileaks. The former because it doesn't support illegal activities, and the later apparently had no comment. Now, I'm old enough to be able to read between a couple lines, and something really stinks here. What makes my mind melt though is that I really have no way of knowing what is the truth, therefore I can't form an informed opinion, and even if I could, what would I do with it?

The guy I met last night said this is a nation of stupid people. Not as politically correct as saying it is like an ocean liner that takes time to change course, but essentially the same thing. It makes me sick to read and watch obviously slanted reporting because I know there are a lot of people who believe what they see and read.

So now that I have read the news, I think I will stop reading the news. How this guy in sweden fares, and whether the french ambassador really does have the clap, have no bearing whatsoever on the service I will give to my tables tomorrow. Actually Saturday, I have an undesired, but much appreciated day off tomorrow. And as far as whether or not homosexuals deserve the same rights that I take for granted, well that just infuriates me that anyone could think they don't.

What is ambiguous about "all men are created equal"? What is so @!?#'ing hard to understand about the idea that you are no more and no less than any living being in this universe? EQUAL. It is simple.

So until someone tells me they will give me a boat if I read the news, I'm not reading the news. And I will be working on getting my boat, getting ready to have my boat, until that day arrives.

I'm so happy. I am living indoors, with a good job, on miami beach, with no one to say they won't live on a boat with me. All I lack is the boat, but I know it is at this moment speeding toward me like a runaway train. Clear skies, cool breezes, calm seas, and the wind at my back. Sounds pretty good...

Always choices

I'm still having phone issues. It won't keep a charge, so I don't carry it to work, and when I'm not working it's dark, and the phone has no flash. I have a camera with a flash, but to attach photos to a post, I would have to upload from camera to laptop, then download to phone. And I'm not even sure I can do that. It bumms me out that I'm not posting cool new pictures, but that will come. Rent comes first.

My friend and I discussed my drinking some more, and I think we've negotiated an understanding; I can drink in the apartment, just not all the time. I have been drinking a little too much anyway, so I think everything is copesetic in that area for now.

Last night I finally did make my first homemade caesar salad with grilled chicken and fresh tomato in about five months. It was really good. Had some decent white wine with it too.

I also met a guy living on a 28 foot sailboat. He got the money to buy it from BP. My boat is going to come fast like that too, I just don't know how it will happen. I will have the boat when god let's me have it. The guy told me that when you're 100 miles off shore at night the sky is incredible. "As bright as day" is what he said. He also told me that if I wonder if I should reef my sail, do it. I've heard this before, and since he felt compelled to tell me in what was no more than an hour conversation, I think I will keep it in mind.

There is patience minute to minute and day to day. There is also patience that you hold week to week and month to month. And by patience, I am talking about knowing god will provide everything you need, and waiting for it. God knows what I need before I do. He feeds me, gives me a place to stay before it gets cold, a job, people who he wants me to make good with, and he will give me a boat when it is time.

It's raining this morning, but getting warmer. I have about ten minutes before I have to get ready to go to work. I've done the dishes, figured out the problem with the kitchen light, and I still have to take out the trash. Three weeks ago I didn't have these "problems". Each of us chooses, and our choices become our past and create our future.

As the guy living on his 28 foot sailboat said to me, may you have calm seas and the wind at your back.

No worries... still

Anyone who knows me knows I am pretty independent, and that is an understatement. Today my roommate texted me that she didn't want me to bring alcohol to the apartment anymore. Ok. Did I do something? No.

So I went to work and decided not to worry about it. When I came home, I asked her about it. She thinks I drink too much. No, my behavior doesn't bother her, but one or two with dinner is enough. And besides you can't drink on a boat because it slows your reflexes...

I don't know if she has had bad experiences with alcoholics. I suspect she has, but she's never said anything. I didn't ask. It's her apartment, I respect her feelings, but how much I drink, and when, is my decision.

Knowing that I get aggressive when someone tries to change me, I decided to exercise restraint of tongue and thought. All sorts of scenarios go through my head, and I let them go. My imagination can be useful for managing emotions, and it can also magnify them if I let it go without restraint.

I will say just once that it makes me angry. What makes her think she has any place saying anything about my life? Ok, maybe "mark you're my friend and I care and I think you drink too much", but not "I don't want you to bring alcohol here, it's too much for me". Whatever. Maybe I should just od on sleeping pills.

When people get angry, men in particular, it is because of a percieved threat, and is usually a response to fear. I could fear not being able to enjoy a bottle of wine on the porch after work. I could fear having to give up my roof and bed and sleep in my truck again in the middle of winter. I could just fear losing my independence, and by consequence, my boat.

I'm not going to lose my boat. I don't mind sleeping in my truck, and I'm sure if it came to that I wouldn't be there for very long. Not being able to enjoy wine though, sucks. I like to drink after work in my home. Does that mean I have a drinking problem because I don't want to stop drinking to keep my apartment? Or does it mean that I am hyper-alert to women trying to control me? Why has every woman but one whom I've been with been dissatisfied with me and needed me to change somehow? And I'm not even involved with my friend! She's just a friend.

I don't know if this is how she shows her affection, if she has had a bad experience with men who drink, or if she just likes to control her environment. I just don't see myself being happy though paying rent to live somewhere where I can't live the way I want to. And no, I am not offensive when I drink. I rarely drink to excess, and when I drink I tend to be outwardly more happy and engaging though maybe less substantial.

Oh, and most of the people who I've known who live on boats drink a lot.

So, never a dull moment. Thank god everything is not going swimmingly, because then I would worry about the next shoe. If I have to live in my truck some more, fine. No worries. Even in winter god loves me and will take care of me. And maybe this can turn into a learning experience for both of us. I don't intend to freak out.

Things are much simpler when you have no friends. No close friends in your immediate life anyway. But god brought us together, and I will play it out to the end. I love her, and I am my own person. I don't have an agenda, other than getting on to my boat. I can go to happy hour and skip wine for awhile, but there is nothing wrong with me living my life the way I want to, and everything is wrong with me changing my life to suit someone else. Screw sacrifice, we're not married.

I am pleased that I didn't use the f-word anywhere in this posting. That's normally my first response to people trying to control me. I have no doubt that this will work out for the best. Stay tuned...

Spooning

It's the simple things that really matter, right? Tonight I had brie for the first time in months. Why? Because brie has to be melted to be enjoyed properly, and I've had no stove or microwave.

It has actually gotten cold here. Not by Minnesota standards, but 39 degrees is cold according to most people. That's the foreecasted low tonight. Today wasn't bad. It was actually kind of nice. In the shade it was chilly, so you wanted to wear a sweater or go inside. Inside people were eating, and it was warm, so you got that cozy winter feel, but the thin skinned among us could still sit in the sun and be warm.

Tonight the wind is strong. I went to the store for bread and brie and was cold, and thankful that I have a sheltered place to stay. This is the sort of night that makes you want to spoon with someone and drink hot chocolate. It rained last night and I walked by a homeless guy. I know now what it feels like to know that the night is going to be long and uncomfortable, and even though my heart reached out to him, I didn't.

Why? Because I can't really help. If a friend called me last night and said he needed a place to sleep, I would have invited him over and pulled out the air matress. But I didn't know this guy, and he didn't ask me for help. In fact, he was eating some take out in the lee of the walgreens building. Pretty smart. Walgreens is open 24 hours. He won't have to leave unless someone calls the cops, and no one is going to do that on a cold rainy night.

I was homeless by choice. And while I know that others may not have chosen that life, I know that the experience brought me closer to my higher power. I came to better know who I am and why I am here because I let god take care of me for four months. I didn't ask any one to take care of me, and I was taken care of. Does this make me more of a republican? I hope not. People can have bad breaks and crappy luck. There should be resources in a civilized society to help those who are willing to work be able to feed themselves. And if one isn't willing to work, there should still be basic facilities for hygene and medicine so others don't have to suffer from one person's trauma.

But I am really digressing here. What I really wanted to talk about was spooning. When it gets cold out you want to have someone to come home to that will share warmth with you. And if you have a soulmate that you can't be with, you have to be happy just being warm. Sitting inside, listening to the wind blow outside, I am grateful.

We have a female cat in heat. She is driving the 4 month old male jack russel crazy. Honestly, her hormones are so strong, if I were a cat...

My friend went to sleep at 7:30. I am going to bed soon too. A comfortable bed, inside, with a nice wool, magic blanket to keep me warm through the cold winter night. And I will think about all the cold homeless people tonight. I will pray that they can find the lee side of a dry building and that they can open themselves up to some divine caretaking, some divine intervention, some divine inspiration, and that I be given the instinctual knowledge to do what I am supposed to for the good of all, according to the free will of all, and so must it be...

In the mean time, it's the little things that make the difference. Having some warm brie on a cold winter night. I hope it allows me to wake up rested and recharged, ready to walk to work and serve really good food at affordable prices to people who are willing to give a buck or two more for attentive service. And one day... a sailboat.

Clear skys, calm seas, and someone you love to spoon with on a cold winter night. :)

Warm breezes

I have two things to say tonight. First, it is so nice to spend my whole day saying thank you over and over. Second, I can't imagine what being a jack russel puppy is like.

Man, life is good. I got to drink a bottle of decent wine tonight while wearing flip-flops and a thermal shirt. I don't ever want to live through another winter. I just wish kenney could have spent this one with me. I kept telling him we would go someplace where it doesn't get cold. He got me here, but he didn't get to enjoy 70 degrees in february. God bless his soul.

The weather was lovely today. Work was great. My roommate, friend, is working her program. I am not hungry, I'm clean in every possible meaning of the word, and I am chilling on my bed, indoors, about to eat two or three Krispy Kreme donuts before I pass out. In the morning I will have coffee and cigarettes, I will do callesthenics, and run by the ocean before I go to work at noon. Life is good.

My goodness... to be a jack russel puppy... what exactly is the evolutionary benefit of running and chewing constantly, on everything, until you fall over? I think they eat mice, or rats, so maybe it just takes a lot of mice to feed a growing body? He is so HERE. EVERYWHERE. He doesn't stop untilhe drops,and he wants so much to do the right thing. He keeps comming to me when he does something to see if he gets praise or a scolding. If I can't come back as a tree, maybe I could come back as a jack russel. It takes a lot of energy to train one. Just keeping up with him is challenging.

I can't think of anything I need right now, except for a saolboat. I have been saying that for about 20 years now. 2010 is about to end. Can you believe we've lived a decade since Y2K? It just keeps going faster and faster, doesn't it? All the more reason to get a boat this year. But today was good. Thank you. Thank you for letting me live this life in this body at this time. Thank you for kenny and for billy, and for my truck and my bed.

Clear skys and warm breezes...

If you can see it, you can be it.

Wow. It is a little weird to be normal again... if you call sharing a south beach apartment with your best friend, a suicidal lesbian (who I love completely), a jack russel puppy, a cat with two kittens, and a fish... normal. In my world this is pretty good. There is love busting the seams of this apartment.

My friend is happy in her new job. This makes me happy. She SO deserves a good break. She cooked tonight... we got chicken wings, black beans and rice, plantains, and an avacado for about seven bucks. It was good. But tomorrow, I'm cooking. I haven't had a caesar with grilled chicken (all from scratch) in about six months.

The weather has turned cold. It is supposed to hit the upper 50's tonight, and it only got up to 73 today... hee hee hee... I love florida.

The picture is of Billy, the terminally hyper jack russel. He does stop nowand then, and it is so funny and sudden when he does.

So my life has become normal for a minute. I will be paying rent, paying bills, cooking, exercising... ran again today, it was good... showering every day, and generally doing normal stuff for awhile. What am I going to write about?

Well, I could talk about how not much really bothers me anymore. Boring. I could talk about what bothers the people in my life, and what I see about how they create that. Worse than boring. I could wait until something bothers me then write about it...

I'm sure there will be things to write about. Now, I am just thankful, and happy, and amused. There is almost never a dull moment here. I have to take some more pictures. Always something to look at. New York is sort of similar in it's diversity and it's ever changing facade,but that city doesn't have all it's curiosities as concentrated as they are here. South Beach is an inverted triangle, 22 blocks tall, and about seven blocks wide at the top. There are really only five main streets, and you can walk the circumference in about an hour. Yeah, I need to take some pictures.

Now that I can relax at night. Now that I don't have to think about where I will spend my off hours, I can get a little more involved with this blog. Maybe it's time to start reviewing and seeing if there is any organization that could be done. I have to do something, I'm starting to feel a bit narcissistic. Oh dear, I hope I didn't just jinx myself... I really want to be normal, and stable, and quiet and productive for a little while. I want to be like Billy in the picture for a minute...

It's winter. Season is starting. I have a great job, a safe,warm place to sleep, a really good friend, and a lot of love. Just over four months of very difficult times to get here, but I am where I knew I would be. And I am still here... imagine that.

Reset

This is Billy the jack russell. The picture is blurry because he doesn't stop moving. Ever. Billy came home last night. I missed him, and am so happy for my friend, for Billy, and for me, because he belongs here.

Yesterday morning, before 12, my friend came to my work to tell me she got a job. A great job actually, as a waitress in a cool cafe, where she doesn't need permission to work. I was happy all day. She lit up the room when she told me.

This happened one day after she was supposed to go back to paris. I went to the airport with her. Took a cab actually, because we missed the bus by 45 seconds. We talked to the ticket agent. The flight from charlotte to charles de gaul was cancelled. She could fly out at six, or the next day, or use her ticket before 8 march and pay $200. She said she wanted to stay, the next day she got a job.

I have moved in to the apartment. I settled with myself that I could continue to live in my truck, alone, and save for my boat. And as a choice, I could live in an apartment with my good friend, cook, exercise (because I can shower easily), and live a "normal" life again. And it will take a little longer to get my boat. I still want the boat, and eventually I will get it. While I save though, I will live under a roof.

So her oldest son may come back in january while he waits to go to school in september. Her youngest will stay in paris with her mother and they will both come to visit in the spring.

It's like someone pushed a reset button on life here. I cooked for us, I need more spices and some cookware. We watched a movie. This morning she woke me up at 6:30 to go for a run. My cough is better after just 20 minutes of aerobic exercise. She left for her first day of work about half an hour ago. I have to get ready in about 30 minutes. I am sitting on the porch with a cup of coffee, reflecting on how things always work out if you have the patience to wait and deal with a little uncertainty.

No pictures til miami

I remember a girl when I was in high school. She had her nose pierced, and her family didn't watch tv. Let's see, this was in 1979, or maybe 1980, in Indiana. I liked her as a person, but I couldn't understand the no tv thing. What did she do?

Now I am the one who doesn't watch tv. When I left NYC almost six years ago I stopped watching cable. Mostly because I didn't want to pay for it. When the broadcast stations went digital last year, I stopped watching tv all together. Now my tv is in storage in georgia, I'm not even watching movies.

I used to be a news junkie. Then I met someone who refused to watch the news. That was a long time ago, but now I also notice that my life hasn't changed because I don't know what is going on in the koreas. I only mention that because I watched the news today about the artillery skirmish.

Today I watched the news several times, read the news, watched a couple sitcoms. And now I've just had enough. I don't feel any particular way about my family watching tv, it just isn't for me. I notice that I stop thinking when I watch. I identify with the characters in the shows and start feeling the emotions they feel. Except they aren't real, they are playing their roles, which are written to keep people watching, and so there is a kind of positive feedback system going where writers write to the emotions of their audience, and the audience watches what excites them the most.

I know that's an oversimplification, and really the thing that bothers me the most is getting my emotions from identifying with an actor, instead of interacting with the people around me. I am calmer, more stable, than I used to be, and I have more meaningful friendships.

I'm not saying anyone should stop watching tv, but I wonder what the world would be like if they did?

It is nice to be with family. I wish all my family could be in the same place at the same time. It is nice to sleep indoors, to eat without worring where I will poop in a few hours. I can drink as much water as I want because there is a bathroom no more than 20 m from me at all times. And that's good because I have some chest congestion and need to flush it out.

And also, I like my spartan lifestyle. I am happy where I am, and where I am going. My friend leaves Monday. That means I will see her again for a minute. Then I need to figure out where I will bivouac next. Someday it will be on a sailboat, and I will be figuring out where I will anchor next.

I am really happy to be with family, I don't resent them in the least for their success, quite the opposite, I am happy they have the comfort they do. And I am not worried about going back to my truck. I have a very good life. I think I am a good man. And I pray that I can continue to love and not resent, not hurt, not be jealous.

Tommorow is thanksgiving, my favorite holiday. I like to celebrate it everyday. Cold breezes tonight in philly, but I can't see the sky from my bed, I hope you sleep well tonight too.

C'est la vie

My friend is leaving. She is giving her jack russel puppy, Billy, to her "husband". Tomorrow morning I leave for philly. They will be gone when I get back.

My heart hurts. I have become very attached to Billy. I met him before he could see, when he was eating from a bottle. About six weeks old. Since then he has turned into a jack russel puppy. A mouth on legs, with sharp teeth. I want to take him, but I don't think it is right. I hate the thought of him living with a backward cracker from louisianna, but even backward crackers can love, and Billy will definitely keep him occupied. And I think he will take good care of Billy. And I just don't think it is right for me to take him, even though I want to so badly.

And I am going to miss my friend and her sons very much. And I know it isn't going to be easy for them in paris. No matter where you go, there you are. But her mom is there, she has an apartment there, and there is no language barrier. Funny that she doesn't like french people. She says they only care about themselves and their money. People from north africa,she says, take care of each other more. Maybe it is another example of how having money makes you want to protect it, and having no money makes you want to protect what really matters; friends and family.

I am blessed to have met her. She wants something to remember me by, and I have no idea what to give her. It's not like I have a lot of things in my truck that I dont need and use. I have about 12 square feet of storage space, and another 24 square feet to sleep in, sometimes covered.

So nothing stays the same. The only constant is change. Another chapter is about to start for me. I look forward to it with joy. I know god has good stuff in store for me. I have a lot to give, and he will bring the souls into my life who will gain from me, and I from them. That's how it works.

Oh yeah, if there is anyone who likes button flys, please tell me why. I have one pair of shorts with a button fly. I only wear them when I do laundry. I can't imagine why anyone would like them, except maybe young women because they are difficult to get into. Levi strauss has had them for a long time. It is the first thing I check when I buy jeans. Give me a nice zipper,and I am happy. Simple things for simple minds, right?

No worries. Clear skys and cool breezes make the heart happy. Keep the faith, and create love where you live.

Prime directive

Sometimes it seems like almost all the people in my life either have a big self that gets between us when we talk, or they want to change me somehow. Life is so much simpler when you let go of your self. Let go of wanting, trying to control, worrying. Just be, and be with those you choose to be with. Just be when you walk, when you talk, when you listen. Yesterday is history, and tomorrow's a mystery, so now is all we have. Stay there, it makes things easier for everyone.

And as far as changing me goes, forget it. Bigger men than you have tried and failed. It ain't gonna happen. I am who and what I am by choice, and my god says it is okay. So who do you think I'm going to listen to, the living force of all reality, or you?

My friend didn't go to train today. She said she was feeling too bad to stand all afternoon. She didn't call. She said she will go back to Paris. That's ok, I just feel sad because she is still feeling bad. And I am afraid that she is going to continue feeling bad instead of doing something about it. It sucks sometimes when people you love hurt themselves. But there's nothing I can do about it. I'm just sad that she's still not happy. She will figure it out though, and I will be her friend.

So, my life goes on. Life perpetuates itself. Living things heal themselves. I was serious about just being. One of my many mottos, most of which I have picked up from somewhere, is take only pictures, leave only footprints. I think that was the essence of the star trek prime directive, and maybe the oath doctors take... first do no harm. Hippocratic oath? Funny name.

It really does make life simpler. If you don't have to make anything happen, just suit up, show up, and trust in god, things work out. So I guess that's all I have to say tonight. Don't worry, be happy. Just be... here... now.

Funny...

If you don't get attached to results... if you say and act toward what you want and let god make things happen the way he wants, things work out so much better.

My friend is not 100% yet, but this morning I found her eating a banana and drinking tea without anyone asking her to. Tonight, she was herself again. She had decided to return to Paris. We talked about what was good about that decision, we talked about things she could do if she chose to stay here.

This morning before I left for work she told me they were leaving on the 25th. Thanksgiving. She would be gone before I returned from Philly. I told her cool. She said she would give me a key to her apartment so I could use it until the owner arrived from Austrailia mid-December.

I was so sad. I went to work knowing it was a good decision for her to go back, and knowing that I would be fine. I am a survivor; a cat, like my mom says, I always land on my feet. But it made me sad to think of not having my friend, my family anymore. I remembered losing Kenny, my sun-god chihuahua, and my soul-mate, the only woman I have ever shared real love with, and I felt old. Old, but grateful. These loves that I have been blessed with have given me so much. Self-respect, tolerance and patience for others, and an experience of love that I can give to others. Love without expectations. A simple joie de vive.

So, I haven't been able to figure out what anyone in this apartment wants. They keep their feelings close to their chests. I have been trying to get her oldest son to cut my hair for four days. He keeps saying ok, and never does it. So tonight I decided to cut my own damn hair. I have to learn how anyway, right?

So I'm about to go into the bathroom, and the phone rings. It is one of the places my friend applied, and they want her to come and train tomorrow. I cut my own hair. I only screwed it up a little over my left ear. Not too noticible, I think. After I shower, I find all three of them looking at apartments on the internet. They are smiling. I am happy. I haven't seen them act happy together for over a week.

So maybe they will stay. Maybe we will keep being a family for a minute. And maybe not. Only god knows, but I I know everything will be okay no matter what happens. God's will is perfect, god's will is sufficient. I want to live in his house.

Clear skys and cool salty breezes. No worries :)

Please do not bath, shave, or wash your clothes here

I just realized that I've only eaten one banana today, at about 10:30 this morning, and haven't really noticed my normal cognitive changes that come with hunger. I figure it's because my body is burning those extra couple pounds I picked up from eating pasta almost every day.

At my restuarant after we have set up, but before we open, they bring out a big bowl of pasta, and we all sit down at a table and eat together. I knew this was called family meal from other places I've worked, but this is the first time the name has had any meaning. And man, the pasta is always so good.

Anyway, I went to the library to find a manual for my phone online, but then inspected it closer with a flashlight. The insulation is peeling away from the cable that connects the screen to the body and rolls out when I slide open the keyboard. My phone is shorting out in the closed position. Can't afford to fix it yet, but soon, and I won't waste any more money on batteries.

I came back home and found my friend seriously upset. She still wasn't eating or drinking, and I called my cousin, the doctor (classic line, except I think it is my daughter or son, the doctor). By the time I was able to reach her, my friend had started drinking, was able to walk, and was pretty alert with clear speach. I thought before that I might have to call for paramedics. It was very reassuring to talk to my cousin, the doctor, and learn that my friend probably was going to be okay.

Still, I spent the rest of the day nursing her as she needed. Her "husband" came by a little while ago. I'm having some difficulty accepting this guy, but I recognize that I dont know everything. Just because I would kick the guy out of my life faster than you can say divorce doesn't mean that is what my friend should do. I only know what I can see, and I can't see everything. Clearly the situation was tense though, and I learned that my friend's blow up Sunday was directed at him, with the main thrust being leave me alone, so I stayed until he left.

Now I'm having a happy hour beer on an empty stomach. I decided to eat afterwards to maximize the effects of the beer. More buzz for my buck. And because I still wasn't really hungry and I've been getting fat again. OMG!

Well, be careful what you wish for. My short period of anxiety because everything was going so well is over. Even though my job is going great, my friend may go back to Paris at the end of the month so I might lose my most comfortable bivouac. I really like my living space at the moment, but I don't think I'm too attached to it. If she leaves and I have to move, I may go through a short period of discomfort, but I am certain I will be taken care of. God is moving me where he wants me, and if I have to leave, it just means this assignment is over.

I really like being with my friend and her family. I like playing with the puppy. And I'm sure there will be a new assignment quickly if this one ends. There are a lot of potential problems with me leaving this spot, but there's not much to be gained by going over them.

So I still expect to leave in four days, though I was wondering this morning. Still really looking forward to it, and am hoping to make enough money before then to have a key made for my truck. There will be only three days before the end of the month when I return, and if she leaves, I want to be able to leave too. I will.

I think a lot about the couple people who I know read this blog pretty regularly who aren't my parents. It must get kind of boring sometimes. Nothing much is moving right now, until recently, I mean. My boat is really nowhere in sight, but getting caught up on my bills is. How exciting. Is it weird to think my life is boring? Has to be a statement about human nature in there somewhere.

I'm running out of stuff to say tonight. I'm thinking about some food, and picking up some limes for my friend because she won't drink water, but she will drink limeade. That's not really so unusual, I had to get used to drinking a lot of plain water, but it is just so good for you.

The sign on the mirror is at the public library. There really are a lot of homeless people here. The city has to be one of few in the US with the problems that creates.

Re: No regrets

Stupid phone...

On Nov 18, 2010 8:24 PM, "mark kilburn" <mkilbu01@gmail.com> wrote:

I want to keep writing because I want to believe that someone benefits from knowing that someone else experiences the same kinds of challenges. And I need to let go of the idea that I am an oddity or a subject of study. I started writing this blog to share and record my experiences after I let go of nearly all of my support. I took a leap in faith, and I wanted to share what happened after.

I am still homeless after nearly four months. The first three were pertty challenging, but they made me trust god more than I ever have before. In the last month I have been adopted by a kindly stranger, her two sons, dog, cat, two kittens, and fish. I feel a little like a stray that has found a home. Sort of...

The experience has changed me. For the good I think, but for sure, I am not the same person who left Newnan, Georgia four months ago. I will see some of my family in less than a week, and I am looking forward to it. I love them, and like all family, there have been little chinks. I am really looking forward to seeing all of them again, and am anxious to see if I feel any differently around them.

My friend still hasn't regained her will to live. She is dehydrated, and resists drinking fluids. Today she told me she will go back to Paris. I told her fine, but she won't make it on to the plane if she doesn't start drinking to flush out the poisons. I also told her I am off tomorrow and intend to bother her all day to drink fluids. I wish I had a splif. That would help her right now. Oh well, guess it's not to be. She'll have to stay sober for a little while.

She isn't suicidal, she just has no desire to take on life at the moment. But there are signs of progress... she gave her son money to go to the store today. Atleast I think she did. He may have just taken the money. I hope not. She also drank about 200 ml of some fruit juice I made for her. But that was all...

Tomorrow I am off. I need to go to the library so I can access the service manual for this phone and try to fix the darn thing. And I need to try to convince my friend that if she doesn't replace her fluids orally, eventually someone is going to do it for her intravenously. And that will have associated, undesirable consequences. It is her choice, I just hope she chooses to pick up the fight again, because she now has a pretty resourceful ally; yours truly.

I think I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. I feel that as strongly as ever, actually. I am still aiming for the boat, but in the mean time, god has put someone in my life who seems to be needing a little help. And he seems to be giving me the resources to help. So, that's what I will do to the best of my ability until it is done. And eventually, I will get the boat. And I will get the physicians assistant lisence, and I will find a community that needs me. And until then I will serve great Itallian food at a reasonable price to people who are happy to pay for my fantastic service.

And I will visit the ocean, dance to reggae, and smoke pot whenever I feel like it. But mostly, I will be grateful for a dry place to sleep, good food, good friends and family, and a chance to give some of my blessings back to others. Funny, I just had the thought that if somehow I could read what I just wrote when I was a teen-ager I would wonder how I could be so deluded. And if I could talk to myself now as a teen-ager, I would say keep fighting, don't settle for anything less than the truth. No regrets.

Let the sun shine in

This morning she sat up, but wasn't real clear. Her words were slurred. She spent a lot of time texting. Tonight she was dressed, much more alert, but still nauseous and achy. Her lower back was hurting. Kidneys. She apparently really took a lot of pills. It wasn't a suicidal gesture, she said she's taken a lot more in the past, just needed to check out for a minute.

Today her "husband" called emergency, a cop and an ambulance came. She was cognizant enough to make them go away. I guess that was an hour before I came back from work. She had had a cup of tea, and drank most of a lemonade before she started to doze and I left.

We talked about the father of her youngest child. We talked about where she could look for a job. She's kind of fixed on the father sending money. He hasn't been in his son's life, he has two other kids with his wife in New York. She talked about lonely christmas's with no presents for her kids, about restuarant owners and managers not liking her color or her face, about a birthday party where she worked once where there were 10 people celebrating, and how she didn't think 10 people would come to a party for her.

I'm really glad she talked. I have had some experience with depression, and I know one way out is to fight. To move, talk, be active, and keep doing it until you finally notice that you felt some happiness for a second. Once that happens, you know how you are supposed to feel, and it is easier to stay out of that hole.

I don't know what she needs to do. I told her I would help with rent, but if she stays, she has to find a job. I can't afford her rent, and no one else is going to pay it. I don't know what will happen, or what is best for her. I do know she is my friend, she is like family right now, and I will help however I can. I know something now about being responsible for myself. About dealing with the consequences of my decisions. Not that I didn't do that before I came here, but since I've come back I've learned that I am taken care of. Sometimes that care comes from people you love, sometimes it comes straight from god.

This is my friend who gave me $100, totally unsolicited, when I was unemployed and waiting to start a new job. She hadn't been working for a month, and she gave me this money. Between that, some money my mom sent (which, by the way, she didn't have either), and a fantastic care package from my brother, I made it through my tough spot, and could afford dinner for my friend's children last night. The people who helped me the most were the ones who could afford it the least. Their hearts moved them to help me. And because they did, I have an opportunity to do the same.

My friend is a mess right now. And it is my clear intention to find her in the jungle of her depression and substance abuse, hold her hand, and help her find her own way out. My heart moves me.

I can't change anyone. Not my friend, not my dad, not my family. What I try to focus on is doing my best to follow my higher power, and not my self. No one needs to change to make me happy. God's will is perfect, god's love is sufficient. When I get angry or stressed, bad things happen. I lose money; whether it is by losing my keys, making mistakes on checks, or dropping envelopes with money orders in them, when I get upset things go wrong. When I accept and adapt, I overcome, and things go well. When I allow people in my world to be who they are with all their imperfections, beautiful things happen. Now if I can do this with my dad, I will probably die because there will be nothing left for me to learn.

And the other thing is that I don't have to justify myself to anyone. The last four months have made it so much easier to see the beauty of how spirit moves. I still don't claim to be a guru, or enlightened, or anywhere close, but I do see that things don't bother me so much anymore. I don't want much. I hold my friend in my thoughts, and I pray that I can help, but I don't define what that means. It is much better to be myself and observe how things change. I let god manage my life much more now, I learned a long time ago that I'm not qualified for that job. And for sure, no one else is.

So, if you prayed for my friend, thank you. It seems to have helped.

Nude personal photos?

How did I manage to get that link, and how can I get more like it? :)

Please pray for my friend

Ok, first I have to say that if something bigger than me is speeding towards me, like a car, I don't walk in front of it... if I buy a coffee, I am cautious with the first sip... if there is a hole in the sidewalk, I am smart enough to walk around it. Americans kill me with their overabundance of caution, and what logically comes next, their legislation of morality. We treat our populace like a bunch of children, and we are surprised when they act that way... and pissed when they don't. I really can't wait to leave this country. On the other hand, without exception, travelers from other countries remark on how helpful Americans are. How did I get here, and what am I supposed to do?

I'm only writing because I really need to. My friend has lost it. Sunday night she screamed for a couple hours and broke I don't know how many plates. I checked in, only to find her "husband" trying to calm her down, and her youngest son trying to get her to be herself. I left, and didn't intrude for two days. This morning, as I was about to leave for work, she walked out to my truck, wearing only a sheet, to get her puppy. She told me that Sunday night she had taken too many OTC sleep aids, and didn't wake up until then. I went to work after I put her puppy inside for her.

Tonight the apartment was still dark. I knocked, and talked to her sons for a minute. They told me she was still sleeping, and hadn't eaten since Sunday. They agreed to let me buy us all some chinese take-out. My friend sat up long enough to take about four sips of sprite, then was out again for the hour or so that I was there. We ate. Her youngest said he had indeed gone to school. I made sure the puppy ate, and gave him lots of love. Poor guy, I don't think he ate for three days either. Last time I saw him he was puppy fat. Tonight, I could see his ribs. Almost made me cry.

Anyway, I can't blame my friend for losing it. I don't know if I could handle the pressure of having two sons, who've been taken away from me once before, being unemployed, in a foriegn country, with no real friends (except one homeless guy), owing two months rent, and not having enough money to buy three tickets to go home to a place that was full of very bad things the last time I was there, so I don't really even want to go, but if not, how will it feel for me and my two children to live on the street? And I can't get a job because I don't have permission to work, and the only places that will let me work off the books won't hire me because I'm not white or black?

So I can hear voices... some say maybe she needs to lose her kids and her apartment again, maybe she needs to be homeless so she can finally accept the consequences of her decisions... also, maybe I need to help her so I don't lose my cush parking spot... maybe I can be her knight in shining armour... maybe I should get away from this person who is so clearly disturbed...

And do you know what I feel? Calmness and concern. Because I have been there. I know how it feels to prefer to check out rather than suffer the stress of what I have created. But it isn't just what I have created. I mean, yeah, ultimately I create or allow just about everything in my life. But there is also chance. And that is god's pervue. Sometimes, the breaks fall wrong. In her case, she has been blatantly discriminated against, and she is too proud to accept, adapt, and overcome. She doesn't accept that people can be really ugly. She thinks accepting that means she is ugly. Or something like that. She doesn't walk away from bigots, she keeps comming back, ignoring their biggotry. You have to admire that a little, right?

But it has gotten her into a self-imposed coma. But she is out of drugs. I really wish now that I had picked up some weed for her, it would make this a little easier. I guess god will provide what she needs. She has me until noon tomorrow, then I go to work. She has egg drop soup, a sprite, and an egg roll when she wakes up tonight in the middle of the night. I hope she consumes them all and goes back to sleep. Your body needs nourishment and rest after you screw it up with drugs.

And I hope she will hear me when I tell her that I've been in similar spots. And I hope god will speak through me and give her something to hold on to in this life. Some hope.

This woman took me in and gave me a home. I owe her. More than that though, god brought me to this situation. I feel so different now than I did before. I have no desire to use drugs, and I feel very little need for myself. I mean I do get fearful sometimes, but I survived basic training, and I've survived being homeless for four months. And I actually think I have gained three or four pounds. OMG, I'm getting fat again! Just kidding. But I am comfortable, and I don't think I get to be comfortable for very long anymore. I think I have surrendered my life to god, and he takes that seriously. Don't think I have to worry about getting fat. if you are fat, you are thinking about yourself too much. That isn't a put down, it is a suggestion. You don't need as much as you think you do. Get involved with one or two people around you who you don't want to help, and you will be surprised what you learn.

But I digress... my friend is in a coma. I hope she comes out tomorrow, and that I know what to say to her when she does.

I guess that's about all I have to say. I am grateful that my self isn't intruding in my life too much anymore. Only this nagging irritation with my father. Well, what can I do? He is what he is, I am what I am. I guess I should keep trying to accept him, even though he will never accept me. Or maybe I need to try to accept that I will never be accepted by him.. or truly by his family either. Ok, that I think I can deal with. I can still love them even though they will never get me. I just hope karine can get me. God help me please.

Whatever...

Life is difficult. The Indians call it dukhi, pervasive unhappiness. On a personal level, my hemmorhoids bother me all the time, my phone's battery can't hold a charge, I can't see anything without my reading glasses... I'm sure you can make your own list.

Everyone I know has stuff they are dealing with. I know because they all have their own craziness. One waitress sings too loud, off key, for the entire time we are setting up the restuarant. Another comes to work hungover and talks nonstop about sex and g-spots, and whether she is lesbian or not. The manager is addicted to Italian soccer. The bartender is anal. If you have ever worked in a restuarant, you know what I mean...

We all have our own shit to live through. Actually, we all create our own shit. You choose your problems. It is true.

And there is also a pervasive goodness. I don't know the Indian word for it... surely there must be one. Each of these crazy people has a spirit... an inate goodness that is clear and easy to see. That is the person I look for. Some people won't talk to you from their good spot. Some will. As a rule, pretty much, I only talk to people's good spot. If you come to me as a crazy person, I will agree with you. That's the best way I have found to deflect craziness. But then I will avoid you until you find your good spot.

And there is so much Good. Life is full of dukhi, and full of Good. Which would you rather attend to? It is a choice.

I am basically homeless. I have a friend who let's me stay in her parking spot, make coffee in her apartment in the morning, and shower pretty frequently. I consider myself blessed. I don't want anything I don't have. Desire is the root of unhappiness. I could focus on what I don't have, but what you feed will grow, so I focus on the fact that I really have everything I need.

In about a week I am going to spend five days with people who have a home. These people love me, but they don't understand what I am doing. They don't understand my choices, or my lifestyle. I am going so I can see my grandmother. Grandma Ginnie. She is a witch and a saint. She makes the wives of all Kilburn men cry, and she keeps the family together. I really hope it is not true, but this may be the last time I see her.

I love my family, and they don't understand me. I should say that I love my paternal family, and they don't understand me. My maternal family definitely gets it. Go figure. Did you ever notice that the people who have the least money are the best tippers?

My battery needs to be replaced, that's the primary reason I haven't posted lately. I'm also pissed off at my father still, and really don't want him to know how I'm doing. So if you read this, I still cast shame on you. I will get a new battery in a couple days.

I don't think I have anything else to say. I just wanted to communicate that I am still grateful. God is taking care of me, and my life is still hard, just like yours. Be well, be happy, listen to reggae when you can, and make love be in the space you occupy. What else are you here for?

Clear skies, cool salty breezes, and a very nice splif for you and me. What else do you need?

Leach is to Cotton as....

Well, there are a few minor frustrations in my life now, so I am happy. I have been homeless, living in my truck in Miami Beach, mostly by choice, but even if I chose to have a roof, I don't have enough money yet, for over three months, and my biggest concerns are my lost keys and my malfunctioning phone.

My keys dropped out of a hole in my pocket about a week and a half ago. I know where I was walking and have retraced my steps probably 10 times now, not including just looking whenever I am on any part of that route. It will only cost about $150 to get a new key made, but I have bills to pay, and I don't really need to drive anywhere. My biggest concern about that is killing my battery before I get a replacement key. So I crawl through the back window whenever I can instead of opening the door and turning on the dome light.

My phone started to freak out last night. Through much experimentation, I have discovered that there seems to be a short in the flip mechanism that opens up the keyboard. It works open, if I try to view the screen closed though, I get a blank screen. My battery is also not charging properly or holding a charge. The phone is almost two years old, and it has survived over three months in a homeless environment pretty well, considering that it is really a miniature computer. My contract ends in february. There is a new generation now, and I think my next phone needs to be able to use satelites... for when I'm sailing in the Carribean next year and want to stay in touch....

I am concerned about my closest friend here. She still hasn't found a job, and if nothing happens she will have to give up her apartment in less than three weeks. She is scared, and I admire her courage. I want to pray for her to find a good job, but maybe she is supposed to be somewhere else. So I pray that god's will be done, and that I be shown how I can help. I do what I can to be a good friend.

Same at work. There is no drama, just a bunch of people living. I'm just being the best waiter and bartender I can be, and helping where I can. And I am so thankful to not just have a job, but a really good job that I love and understand (lynrd skynrd referrence...)

I have a great friend in Newnan named Kelly Leach-Cotton. She thought I was going to talk about her in my last post (cotton in my ears), so I have to say a word here. Her blog is the one I follow, waiting for tips, though I don't read it as much as I would like - limited battery life. Anyway, she has a great outlook on life, and is very fun to read, so check it out. If you want to come to SoBe Kelly, I can probably get you a job. You just have to try carpaccio :)

On the way to work this morning, it occured to me that I am 47 years old, and I still haven't grown up. I am living in neverneverland, and I am happy. I am not afraid to die, and when I eventually do, I will feel as though I have lived well. The only thing I am afraid of is getting old, and as long as I don't let that happen, everything will be ok. I may look old, I may act old... if going to bed early and not chasing women all the time is acting old, but I will pretty much always laugh at a good joke, share joy with dogs and babies, and smoke pot when I feel like it.

The winter weather pattern has started, hurricaine season is over. We get a cold spell after the wind shifts around the compass from East to North for two to four days, then it warms up again. I am wearing shorts and a thermal top in November, and I am about to go to the beach to commune with the ocean. Everything contains the seed of it's opposite. God is either everything or nothing. And love is all there is.

Clear skys and cool salty breezes!

Cotton in my ears

Thank goodness for modern technology. I forgot about the end of daylight savings time until I was walking home after work and noticed it seemed darker than usual. My phone automatically fell back last night and got me to work on time. No one mentioned it all day, and I wonder if anyone else even noticed.

It got cold here very suddenly. Literally from one day to the next. The low Wednesday was around 72, Thursday it was around 52. Crazy. Fortunately, I have my magic blanket and a sleeping bag that my brother sent in his care package, and I have been toasty. I only have one warm shirt though (which he also sent), the rest of my warm clothes are still in storage in Newnan. The job I have now is the one I expected to have no more than a month after I got here.

But as I write, sitting in the bed of my pick-up, I am sitting on my magic blanket, leaning back against my rolled up sleeping bag, and wrapped in my fleece sheet that I haven't used since Wednesday. And I find I am a little glad to be a little uncomfortable. It seems to reassure me to find comfort in the face of adversity. If there is no adversity, I start getting nervous, wondering what's going to happen next.

My job is good. The food is as good or better than the place I worked in Newnan, and that place impressed me. But here, the menu can be more cosmopolitan, and it is owned by a guy who owns four other restuarants. So the place is set up to run well, and it is managed by a manager, not the owner. Makes life much less stressful. Seriously, I feel like I am in restuarant heaven now. I survived restuarant hell, and I guess the restuarant gods decided to smile on me. Thank you reastuarant gods.

I still have the cotton in my ears- that feeling of serenity, most of the time, that somehow allows me to not be bothered by most of the stuff that used to bother me. It's all still here; the self-centered waitresses, the people who stand and talk in doorways, the vampires who want to live by taking my vital essence. It just doesn't trigger me much anymore, or not for very long. No, what I worry about is that my incredibly blessed, comfortable, and joyful life will somehow come to an end.

And sometimes I worry that it will never end; that I will never get the boat, and will always live in my truck. Isn't that funny?

I haven't had as much to say lately. I wonder if it because I am getting comfortable, and don't have so much to deal with, or because I am changing. Maybe it's both. I haven't had a lot of time to take pictures, and now I hate posting without atleast one. That's a good excuse.. :)

Thanksgiving is only a couple weeks away, and I am going to visit family. I will actually sleep in a bed, under a roof, and eat good food and be around "normal" people for like five days. That's gonna be weird. I'm really looking forward to it.

After only a week, I am close to being caught up on my bills again... uh-oh.

Reggae tomorrow night, but not until 5 am, I have to work in the morning. Thank you god.

Food is love, right?

I want my kitchen back. I am becoming a little too civilized, I think. I am getting spoiled by having a dry air mattress to sleep on, undisturbed by mosquitos, showers in a bathroom two or three times a week, and enough privacy that it feels like I have my own bedroom.

I have a great job in a very cool restuarant, in the most popular area of south beach. I think I will make enough to pay my bills starting now, and enough to buy a boat before too long.

I had the day off today. I did laundry, read a mystery novel I checked out from the library, and went to scout out locations for a boat. Actually the boat location was easy; just a protected spot to drop a couple hooks. I found a place where atleast one person living aboard was anchored. What I was really looking for was a place to dock a dinghy, and chain a bicycle. And I found a couple spots where inflatables had been tied, and chained, off. There was a bicycle secured near one of the spots too. Voila.

Today I thought about how to improve my diet. Not easy with no kitchen, and limited resources. See, I can cook, pretty well in fact, and cheap too. When I had a kitchen, I spent an average of $3-5 for a dinner, less than $10 per day, and I ate very good, tasty, healthy food. With no kitchen, I can eat healthy for $2, but it isn't very tasty; a cold can of tuna, another of black beans, and a banana. Hot food costs atleast $5.25. Best I've found so far is Boston Market, but it's far away, and it bugs me to spend that much. So in my twisted logic, I walk five blocks and buy subway for $9. Doesn't make much sense when I write it down. I wasn't drinking either, I just have a disconnect at the moment between my logic and my stomach. I'll work it out.

I have been living in my truck now for over three months. I have been aquiring knowledge and skills that will help me be comfortable when I finally get to liveaboard. Now I have a job that may bring enough money to buy a boat. I haven't even begun to save though, so this is going to take some patience.

I am really ready for a little stability.