Warm and dry is good

Just getting over a head cold. Its very nice to have a place to stay indoors when you're sick and its raining and cold.

Over the last week, I've noticed my postings getting negative. Or atleast me getting resentful when I write. My last posting got stuck in my outbox so it never posted, and I was glad. So even though my intention is to be honest in this blog, I found that there was some yucky stuff clinging to the edges of my thoughts that seemed to be increased by writing. When I was younger, I journalled. I stopped when I realized my writing was really just a place to vent and complain. I was able to put those things away without really dealing with them. Also my girlfriends tended to find and read my journals, so I just stopped writing.

This blog wasn't supposed to be a journal. It was supposed to be a record of my thoughts and experiences that came as the result of my decision to be homeless so I could stay in miami beach and eventually get a boat. So what has happened over the last few days?

I haven't gotten my boat yet... I have been continuing to adjust to paying rent for an apartment, and sharing someone else's space. I am still a little disappointed that I am paying rent. And I am glad to be inside when it is cold, and when I am sick. I like not having to worry about where I will spend my off time, or where I will shower. I did choose to give up my homelessness, but not because it beat me.

I have a very good friend who is benefiting from us living together. I am benefiting from us living together. I think if I had stayed in the truck it would not have been the best choice. I believe you have to look at what you are given, as honestly as possible, and act according to your inner voice. Your god inside. So even though part of me is saying I took a step back, away from the boat, another part of me remembers that I don't know everything that is happening, that god knows what I need before I do, and I will get to live on my boat exactly when god says it's time, not before. Still my human nature, my child keeps asking when will it be time? I bought a lottery ticket but didn't win. Not time yet.

Yesterday my roommate came home very upset from work. She has gotten into a conflict with her manager. She vents to me. One of my feelings is fear that she will lose this job, then she won't be able to find another, she will have to go back to paris, and I will have to find somewhere to live or stay in my truck again. Fear is removed by faith. Fear comes from attachment. I listen, let her know I am on her side, even get up in the middle of the night to listen some more. This morning she's nervous, not angry. She goes to work.

Yesterday it rained and I was sick, so when the manager asked for volunteers to leave early, I left. I made $14 on a Saturday. But I came home, ate, slept, stayed warm and dry, and today I feel on the upswing with the head cold. Washing clothes, polished shoes, reminding myself that all that really matters is that I clean the yucky stuff off my thoughts, and keep being a good waiter and as good a friend as I can be. I will not be hungry, I will have all that I need and some of what I want.

In case there is any misunderstanding, my roommate doesn't use drugs. The dealer came unannounced, and he left quickly. We are both trying to make a life. Looking for something beyond artificial. There are always bumps in life, but right now, nothing more than pebbles in the road. I like having a friend who I help take care of, and who helps take care of me, without any of the wierdness that comes when you are intimate. I miss it, but having experience the real thing, I don't want to disappoint myself with anything less. My friend is my friend, my soulmate is my lover. Big difference.

As they say in AA, trudging the happy road to destiny...