This morning she sat up, but wasn't real clear. Her words were slurred. She spent a lot of time texting. Tonight she was dressed, much more alert, but still nauseous and achy. Her lower back was hurting. Kidneys. She apparently really took a lot of pills. It wasn't a suicidal gesture, she said she's taken a lot more in the past, just needed to check out for a minute.
Today her "husband" called emergency, a cop and an ambulance came. She was cognizant enough to make them go away. I guess that was an hour before I came back from work. She had had a cup of tea, and drank most of a lemonade before she started to doze and I left.
We talked about the father of her youngest child. We talked about where she could look for a job. She's kind of fixed on the father sending money. He hasn't been in his son's life, he has two other kids with his wife in New York. She talked about lonely christmas's with no presents for her kids, about restuarant owners and managers not liking her color or her face, about a birthday party where she worked once where there were 10 people celebrating, and how she didn't think 10 people would come to a party for her.
I'm really glad she talked. I have had some experience with depression, and I know one way out is to fight. To move, talk, be active, and keep doing it until you finally notice that you felt some happiness for a second. Once that happens, you know how you are supposed to feel, and it is easier to stay out of that hole.
I don't know what she needs to do. I told her I would help with rent, but if she stays, she has to find a job. I can't afford her rent, and no one else is going to pay it. I don't know what will happen, or what is best for her. I do know she is my friend, she is like family right now, and I will help however I can. I know something now about being responsible for myself. About dealing with the consequences of my decisions. Not that I didn't do that before I came here, but since I've come back I've learned that I am taken care of. Sometimes that care comes from people you love, sometimes it comes straight from god.
This is my friend who gave me $100, totally unsolicited, when I was unemployed and waiting to start a new job. She hadn't been working for a month, and she gave me this money. Between that, some money my mom sent (which, by the way, she didn't have either), and a fantastic care package from my brother, I made it through my tough spot, and could afford dinner for my friend's children last night. The people who helped me the most were the ones who could afford it the least. Their hearts moved them to help me. And because they did, I have an opportunity to do the same.
My friend is a mess right now. And it is my clear intention to find her in the jungle of her depression and substance abuse, hold her hand, and help her find her own way out. My heart moves me.
I can't change anyone. Not my friend, not my dad, not my family. What I try to focus on is doing my best to follow my higher power, and not my self. No one needs to change to make me happy. God's will is perfect, god's love is sufficient. When I get angry or stressed, bad things happen. I lose money; whether it is by losing my keys, making mistakes on checks, or dropping envelopes with money orders in them, when I get upset things go wrong. When I accept and adapt, I overcome, and things go well. When I allow people in my world to be who they are with all their imperfections, beautiful things happen. Now if I can do this with my dad, I will probably die because there will be nothing left for me to learn.
And the other thing is that I don't have to justify myself to anyone. The last four months have made it so much easier to see the beauty of how spirit moves. I still don't claim to be a guru, or enlightened, or anywhere close, but I do see that things don't bother me so much anymore. I don't want much. I hold my friend in my thoughts, and I pray that I can help, but I don't define what that means. It is much better to be myself and observe how things change. I let god manage my life much more now, I learned a long time ago that I'm not qualified for that job. And for sure, no one else is.
So, if you prayed for my friend, thank you. It seems to have helped.
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