No worries... still

Anyone who knows me knows I am pretty independent, and that is an understatement. Today my roommate texted me that she didn't want me to bring alcohol to the apartment anymore. Ok. Did I do something? No.

So I went to work and decided not to worry about it. When I came home, I asked her about it. She thinks I drink too much. No, my behavior doesn't bother her, but one or two with dinner is enough. And besides you can't drink on a boat because it slows your reflexes...

I don't know if she has had bad experiences with alcoholics. I suspect she has, but she's never said anything. I didn't ask. It's her apartment, I respect her feelings, but how much I drink, and when, is my decision.

Knowing that I get aggressive when someone tries to change me, I decided to exercise restraint of tongue and thought. All sorts of scenarios go through my head, and I let them go. My imagination can be useful for managing emotions, and it can also magnify them if I let it go without restraint.

I will say just once that it makes me angry. What makes her think she has any place saying anything about my life? Ok, maybe "mark you're my friend and I care and I think you drink too much", but not "I don't want you to bring alcohol here, it's too much for me". Whatever. Maybe I should just od on sleeping pills.

When people get angry, men in particular, it is because of a percieved threat, and is usually a response to fear. I could fear not being able to enjoy a bottle of wine on the porch after work. I could fear having to give up my roof and bed and sleep in my truck again in the middle of winter. I could just fear losing my independence, and by consequence, my boat.

I'm not going to lose my boat. I don't mind sleeping in my truck, and I'm sure if it came to that I wouldn't be there for very long. Not being able to enjoy wine though, sucks. I like to drink after work in my home. Does that mean I have a drinking problem because I don't want to stop drinking to keep my apartment? Or does it mean that I am hyper-alert to women trying to control me? Why has every woman but one whom I've been with been dissatisfied with me and needed me to change somehow? And I'm not even involved with my friend! She's just a friend.

I don't know if this is how she shows her affection, if she has had a bad experience with men who drink, or if she just likes to control her environment. I just don't see myself being happy though paying rent to live somewhere where I can't live the way I want to. And no, I am not offensive when I drink. I rarely drink to excess, and when I drink I tend to be outwardly more happy and engaging though maybe less substantial.

Oh, and most of the people who I've known who live on boats drink a lot.

So, never a dull moment. Thank god everything is not going swimmingly, because then I would worry about the next shoe. If I have to live in my truck some more, fine. No worries. Even in winter god loves me and will take care of me. And maybe this can turn into a learning experience for both of us. I don't intend to freak out.

Things are much simpler when you have no friends. No close friends in your immediate life anyway. But god brought us together, and I will play it out to the end. I love her, and I am my own person. I don't have an agenda, other than getting on to my boat. I can go to happy hour and skip wine for awhile, but there is nothing wrong with me living my life the way I want to, and everything is wrong with me changing my life to suit someone else. Screw sacrifice, we're not married.

I am pleased that I didn't use the f-word anywhere in this posting. That's normally my first response to people trying to control me. I have no doubt that this will work out for the best. Stay tuned...