On and on

I told you things don't stay peaceful for very long, right? I am waiting for my friend to come back from the store. She rented a movie last night and put it on today. She fell asleep before it was over. I watched until the end.

I have decided that not only do I not like tv or the news, I'm not going to watch movies anymore either. Those who know me know this is a little extreme. After the movie was over though, I was full of emotions that weren't mine. I am reminding myself now a little bit of the crazy people who think dancing is evil. I will never go that far, I love to dance, especially to reggae music. They seem to think emotion is bad. I don't. I think emotion is good. It is the stuff of life. But emotion that comes from tv, movies, even books maybe, is not your own emotion.

I like the emotions that come to me from the people and situations in my life. When I finished watching that movie, I felt old and tired. I felt like I needed to shoot up something to take me away from my weiriness. (Spelling?). And I will never do that again.

So, I suddenly realized that I have a good life. Good emotions come to me as I live my life. Bad emotions, self-destructive emotions come to me when I allow myself to receive them vicariously.

So my friend texted me again that she doesn't want any alcohol in the house. I texted back thanks for the movie. As I was comming home I ran into her on the sidewalk. She said I left the tv on and it woke her up. Actually, I turned the tv way down, and when I left billy was upset, and he woke her up. Doesn't matter, really.

I will not live with someone who dictates anything about how I live my life, ever again. I won't talk to anyone who does the same. And also, I will not freak out because my friend freaks out. When she comes back I will apologize, tell her I will not stop drinking, and ask her if I have to leave tonight.

It would be much better for me to not pay rent, and also I am here because god put me here. I pray now to do what is god's will. The highest good, even if I don't understand it.

It is windy and cold outside. The forecast calls for a low in the mid-30's. Fortunately I have enough money for a hostel bed for a few nights, and it is supposed to get warmer by freiday.

....

My friend came home. She tells me I am like a teen-ager, I do what I want when I want. I say yes, so what? Who am I supposed to answer to? My friend? My father? My grandmother? Or my higher power?

Funny thing happened. As we were having our discussion, a drug dealer came by. I had $500 in my pocket, he probably had an eightball in his pocket. I bet I could find a needle somewhere... I will never do that again.

We go on.