Drugs

People use drugs of all different types for all sorts of different reasons. I'm sure no expert, but I do know my experience, and I have spent a lot of time, money, and my family's money figuring out why I used them.

Last night when the dealer was in our apartment I had absolutely no desire. I am really happy about that. Something has changed in my relationship to myself, and I think it has to do with a change in my relationship with my higher power. I call it god because the word has only one syllable, three letters, and if you reverse them you get dog; the closest things to angels on earth that I've found.

In the last six months, and especially the first three months of that period, my relationship with god changed. I decided to stay in miami beach and live in my truck on 28 july 2010. For the next three months I was never hungry. One time I had to ask my family for help, and both my parents sent money. Every other day I had enough. I came to trust that I would always have enough. That is big for me.

I think maybe we all have themes that run through our lives. I have certainly always had issues with money. Or more specifically, worrying about having enough. And I always looked outside myself for my sustinence. My experiences this last summer somehow allowed me to let go of that anxiety. I still worry, but I am not affraid.

This conflict I've been having with my roommate/friend about how much I drink I think, is a vehicle for working out something else for both of us. I don't know what it means to her, but for me it is about reaffirming that trust. Maybe. I won't be different to please someone else ever again. I don't have to. I will always be taken care of.

And also I have an obligation to love, to not act from selfish motives, and to allow things to unfold as they will without me trying to control them. My emotions don't overwhelm me anymore. I don't have to kill them with psychoactive substances. And everything really will be okay.

I don't know what will happen with my friend, or with me living here. I don't know what will happen with my boat or with my soulmate. But I do know that everything will be okay. I know that I am doing the best that I can to do what my understanding of god wants me to do, and I know that I and my understanding are no where near perfect. And, I think this is what life is supposed to be; a chance to struggle to understand. A chance to try to be good.