Don't steal. Anything. Ever.

I am in south beach to make money. I am on this planet at this time to try to do good. I am living in my friend's apartment because we have something(s) to learn from each other. Atleast this is what I tell myself.

For a waiter, south beach in season is one of the best places in the country to be. I sweated out four months of homelessnes in restuarant hell because I knew if I could stay here I would make money. I made it through the worst physically. Now I live in an apartment, I have a job at a very good place, and I still have my sanity, I think... atleast as much as I ever did.

I had a day off yesterday. I was up at 7:30, did laundry, went to the hardware store to get a part to fix the kitchen light. Went to the library, had two good walks, and a nap. I even cooked last night. All in all, a good day. On one of my walks I was at the marina, looking into the water. It was a clear bluegreen, I could see coral, an angel fish, and a parrot fish. I was reminded that I'm not there yet. I want to be on a boat, on the water, eating fish that I speared myself less than two hours before I take the first bite. I will get there.

South beach is populated by mostly children. They want to look good, see and be seen. It makes for great people watching. If I could take pictures while I worked, I'd have many interesting ones to share. And sometimes it gets tiring. But there are also wise people here. My first table today was a guy, probably around 75, who moved here permanently from pittsburg in '68. His family were servers here starting in the '20's. It was very cool talking to him. Then I had a bunch of self-absorbed, but for the most part cool, people. I walked with a buck on a very slow Saturday. All my money this weekend goes toward rent.

There's another guy who lifts my spirits. This old, skinny homeless black guy with a big white beard who wears white socks with flip-flops and likes to smoke cigars. I used to run into him at the laundromat, now I see him at the library, and occasionally walking on lincoln road. I don't know if his brain works very well, but one day, a couple months ago, he looked me in the eye with recognition, and said hi. That's about all we've talked, but there was a meeting of kindred spirits that bouys me everytime I see him now.

I am still in the canoe with god. The paddeling I am doing now is more about paying attention to everything I do, as if I were doing it for him. When I set up in the morning, I wonder which table he will sit at today. Because I know he will visit me, and he will probably be my most difficult customer of the day. My god definitely has a sense of humor, and loves to challenge me.

I don't know how long I'm going to stay in this apartment. Maybe just through the worst of the winter. I told my friend I would help her stay, and to me that means staying until she is stable. I really don't like paying rent, and sharing her life is a little difficult for me. She is a normal human being. She is a little crazy. Lately, I have to remind myself that I don't have to run away from her craziness, that maybe I am supposed to show her one or two things that I've learned. And maybe in doing so, I will learn some more.

I had a therapist once who said, with a bit of sarcasm, that I avoid relationships because they're "messy". Well, I guess it's true. I don't like other people's shit. In the past, I've pretty much just let them have whatever they wanted and put some distance between them and me. Now, maybe I'm willing to tolerate a little messiness. But when you start being mean to dogs I don't have much patience. In fact, I really just want to go back to my friends house right now and slap her like she slapped billy for no reason. But I'm not going to. If she does it again... when she does it again... this is when you have to take a step back.

I had another therapist once, who talked about "wolf learning". Where you don't respond to the act, but you respond to the thought that is in the right direction after the thought behind the act. You respond in a way that is understood when you learn. Follow? So I don't need to respond to the slap, but to the jealousy and resentment that is behind the slap. I encourage them to bond. Or, I could just move out and let one more crazy person continue being crazy.

I want to be on my boat, staring at the full moon like a lover, tanning in the light of the stars 100 miles offshore, eating fish that were alive two hours ago. I want to be alone in a way that makes you feel when I am comming. And I want to die believing that I contributed somehow. Is that so much to ask? I figure about ten grand gets me there. I should be much closer come spring.

Cool breezes, clear skys, calm seas, and the wind at my back...

I took some pictures yesterday with my camera, but my friend slapped billy before I could think about transferring them from camera to computer to phone. I'll get this worked out. Still curse the guys who stole my nikon digital slr. Don't steal. Anything, ever.