What, me worry?

I'm thinking about what to say tonight. I'm thinking about how easy I have it, how much I like having a stable place to bivouac. My mom sent me the coolest book, Jesus and Buddha: the Parallel Sayings, by Marcus Borg. I opened it up to read a couple pages, in the chapter on discipleship.

It's talking about the blind following the blind, and about a file of blind men seeing nothing, and about attachment keeping you from the kingdom of god. Then, after three pages, it made sense with a directive from the buddha to the monks to walk for the blessing and happiness of people, and out of compassion for the world, but "let not two of you go by one way."

The attachment I understand. As a human, it seems I crave stability. That I find comfort, and maintain it into infinity. Create changelessness. And this is so contrary to the nature of the universe which, physics teaches us, tends toward disorder. Things fall apart. Life though,bucks this trend. Life is growth. Order and cooperation out of chaos and anarchy.  Life is built on cooperation and attraction from the atomic to the cellular to the organismic. And on through evolution. It is about creating order and continuity out of nothing. So of course I want to keep my tarp rigged for storms, and have fresh brewed coffee in the morning, and a hot shower every two or three days, whether I need it or not...

And what I have learned is that god won't let me down. He won't let me starve, and I even get cigarettes and cheap wine because I needed them. But the more comfort I have, the more I fear losing it. I said a couple postings ago that I give when I can, but that isn't entirely true. I give when I am moved to. Every day people ask me for money or cigarettes. And even though I have, I don't always give. If I understand Jesus and the Buddha correctly, I should hold on to nothing. Not my money, my cigarettes, my coffee, my truck, or my clothing. How can I let go of the little I have? And how many people say the same thing?

Both of these men tell me to give up everything and depend on the grace of god completely and with abandon. And that scares the piss out of me. How can I do that? I want a sailboat, so I can travel, so I can share what I've learned, and learn more. If I give everything away, how will I ever get a sailboat?

And yet, two of the greatest men to ever walk the planet tell me to do exactly that. And I am too afraid to go that far.

What would happen if everyone gave away everything they had? I know that's a pipe dream. But is that a good reason for me not to follow? Part of me says I only have this life, why waste it chasing after things I can touch and hold on to?

And I remember something about letting the light of god fill me and cast out all darkness. And I think about "let not two of you go by one way". And I remember that both Jesus and the Buddha were in their thirties when they began teaching the way, so in my late forties, I guess the pressure is off. I'm just another guy trying to find his way. But it still nags at me every time someone asks me for money, and I say no.

I am walking my own path. So are you. If you are reading this, maybe it means we are both trying to find what is the right way to be, given who we are, where we come from, and what we believe.

I don't get a lot of comments on this blog. Maybe I don't understand how they work, maybe you are afraid too. I don't want advice, I can get that from my dad. But I am curious if anyone else worries about the same things. Do you ever wonder if you should give away everything? What do you think would happen to you if you did?

I don't know anything. I don't want to be facing death and regret anything I've done. So far I don't. And also now I have let go of so much, and there is so much I still hold on to, and I wonder, should I let go of everything? Didn't I say either god is everything or nothing? What higher purpose could there be in life than to trust completely? Am I going crazy?