A high pressure area has pushed Paula to the East. Today was clear, even hot. As the sun sets, there is a cool breeze, and the ocean is beautiful. I can see it from the restuarant where I am sitting waiting for my tips because I have no money, and they owe me $150.
Yesterday was rough. My friend who is letting me stay in her parking space still has no job, rent is due in two weeks, and her youngest son had his 13th birthday and she couldn't afford to buy him any presents. I had no money to give her, nor to buy him a present either.
My lovely Israeli bartender friend for some reason is being distant. Probably has to do with whatever made her withdraw in the first place. Probably something I said that touched some nerve, and who knows? She doesn't want to talk to me about it.
My friend Scott is out of money, stuck off the beach, and temporarily unavailable to share happy hour beers. We're still texting though.
My soulmate is still unable to talk to me because she loves me too much.
The owners are close to a deal of some sort, and they are putting as little money into the restuarant as possible. We never have any paper products in the restroom, we regularly run out of eggs, and getting my tips is even more difficult than usual.
The promoter is here. He is training people, and trying to implement some basic standards of service that have been lacking for longer than I've been here. So yesterday I had to deal with all the stress of working in this restuarant purgatory, and sucking it up to be professional with the new guy, who was late, I didn't suck, but I wish I could have been better.
I want the world to be the way I want it. Things would go so much smoother... funny, huh? It just doesn't work that way. I don't get the respect I deserve, I don't get the love (nurturing) I need, people don't sigh and bow as I approach... thank god. I have enough trouble with my pride as it is.
I survived feeling helpless when a friend was in need yesterday. I know it must be worse for a parent. She probably feels ten times the guilt and frustration that I felt. Sometimes, there is nothing you can do. Sometimes, life is hard, and all you can do is keep the faith and try to create a little joy, no matter how insignificant it seems. Shit happens, and things change, ok? I have been blessed to have almost no property, and no one depending on me. Maybe that's what they mean that I have no responsabilities...
There is a huge group of teenage german athletes of some sort here at the hostel... I finally got my tips and kind of blew up at the owner. He gave me half what he owes me. Told me he could eat for a month on that. I told him it isn't a gift, I earn it, and I should get it everyday. He said he would change his procedure next week... right. I don't like teenagers, athletes, or germans. Not really, but they are dominating this space, and there is techno music playing, russian bartender. Sometimes you just can't get what you want.
But if you can stop wanting, you will always get what you need.
So because of the weather I haven't properly cleaned myself for two days. The sky is clear, and the breeze is not too cool. The ocean is calm, and I am going to go scrub my whole body with sand until I have removed the filth that has accumulated over the past two days living in this beautiful place. I will bring what gifts I can afford to my blessed host family, and I will sleep in the bed of my Dodge, get up tommorrow, and do it again. Because that is life. I am here in this place, now, because I am playing my single note in the universal symphony at the exact moment it is supposed to be played. What do I want for that, a cookie? Well, I can have one if I give good enough service to get enough money to buy one. That's why I do what I do.... for the cookies!
No comments:
Post a Comment