I am writing early today because I have to charge my telephone through a USB cable connected to one of the liabrary's computers. I have to do this because I think Simone, the evil wife-owner took my charger. I don't know it was her, and maybe it will turn up, but I suspect she threw it away.
I think she may have done this because I walked out of the restuarant yesterday morning and didn't come back. I think I left it. I was pretty upset, and tired. Monday night I went out with two friends to see a reggae band at a local lounge. I haven't done that since I was here eight years ago. It was so great. It was doubley great because I was feeling like the one friend has been avoiding me lately. We danced until about 12:30 when they got tired. I drove, so I took them home, then I came back and danced until 3:30. Then up at 7:00 to get to work at 8:00. At about 8:30 Simone and Luke came in, she was nearly screaming that the restuarant was supposed to be open at 8:30.
In the two months I've been there, we open at 9:00. That's when the host comes, that's when the bartender has usually shown up by. I've only seen Luke there before 9:00 maybe three times, and I have never seen her there before 9:00. I was probably still slightly drunk, and feeling upset about a text interaction I had with my friend after I left the lounge. Something snapped, I smoked a cigarette, then collected my things and said I'd be back Thursday; in two days.
I left and started thinking about the text interaction. On my way back to the club the night before I texted her asking why she hasn't been talking to me. I then pretty quickly forgot I had texted. When I got back to my parking space I found a text from her saying I was being weird, and that I was bothering her. She wrote not to text back. I was drunk, I got really mad. I texted back, insulted her maturity level, I used the F word. In the morning, I looked back over the exchange, and felt like a real schmuck. I sent a couple texts trying to apologize, but the damage had been done. Between the job, the friend, the windy, grey weather, and the hangover and lack of sleep, I felt pretty crappy all day. I didn't drink, and went to bed at 7:30. Didn't get up until almost 8:00 today.
I went to the restuarant and apologized to Luke, said I would be there tomorrow at 8:00. They had the food-runner/ host and a really weak, new bartender. They were starting to get busy. Luke said he has no waiters and asked me to stay. I said no, it's my birthday. I didn't add that he has no waiters because he doesn't pay them and treats them so poorly. I left without gettinng my tips. Went and did my laundry, went back and finally got my tips. Paid my phone bill, and made it here. Right now I'm in between conversations with family.
Sometime between the laundromat and here I had a minor epiphany. Yes, I have been letting my stress level stay too elevated, and yes I have been drinking too much, adding to the stress. I have been feeling myself getting a little crazy. Crazy like starting to loosen my grip on sanity. I have been clinging, in some ways to my friends. Clinging in a drowning man kind of way.
With my friend who I blew up at, I felt like she started avoiding me after we had a discussion where I was drunk and told her about my soulmate, my celibacy, and something about still wanting sex. All of my friends know that I am pretty frank with my feelings and opinions, and that I sometimes get out there when I drink. This was the first time I had shared this side of me with this particular friend. I may have offended her. I tried to ask the next day, but she didn't respond. I still don't know what happened with her, or even if I had anything to do with it. This is where the epiphany comes in.
I was needing her like before I thought I needed my family to rescue me financially. God is taking care of me financially. I want to trust that he will also take care of me emotionally.
Some people believe that humans experience something that can be thought of as an original pain. The dukhy of suddenly being seperate from mother. That might be part of what I've talked about when I've mentioned an aloneness on a very deep level. Jesus said to love each other. Buddha said that to be happy you must live in your present experience without any desire. Without desire that the present will stay the same, or that it will change. Just as my experience of having almost nothing has taught me that I will always have what I need, perhaps my experiences with my soulmate, and subsequent female friends is teaching me that I will always have love. And I remember that the love you take is equal to the love you make (Beatles).
So we will see. My friend is already as perfect as you or I. I don't need anything from her, but I do really like her friendship. I owe her amends for being a drunk jerk, and for expecting that she give me something that really comes from me; acceptance and love.
My friend just now texted me happy birthday. Maybe I'm on the right track?....
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