Family

I think I had a serious lesson about family today. I found myself needing to ask for help again. I don't like being in that position, but maybe I was supposed to experience this.

My day started when my friend, the one whose parking space I am using, out of nowhere, offered to loan me money. I was taken aback. This is an unemployed mother of two who has opened her home to me and asked nothing in return. She told me her financial situation, and why it would be ok. I said no, and thanked her profusely. This is someone I would give my last dollar to if she needed it. Family. And she would probably buy pot with it, and I would still give it to her.

I sent an email out to my family when I realized my restuarant probably would not reopen; the tables have been removed from the sidewalk. I only had a few dollars, and I saw that hunger was just around the corner. I wasn't asking for long term support, just enough to get me through until I was making money again; two weeks probably.

My mother sent me money before the day was over. She is another person I would give my last dollar to, gladly. She has supported me emotionally, financially, and physically every time I have asked. She probably knows me better than anyone, and she says she trusts my process.

My father, to his credit, called me. He said I have to live with the consequences of my choices, and suggested I take the loan. I was disappointed to say the least. If he said he didn't have enough to share, I would understand that. Everyday homeless people here ask me for money. I rarely have enough to share. I tell them I am in the same boat, and they understand.

Today I bought breakfast; two bananas and a package of peanuts. The bananas were close to being bad, the owner of the store told me to take two more and give him two dollars. I said I couldn't eat that much, but then a homeless woman walked in. I asked if she wanted two bananas. She said yes. I gave the guy two bucks and thanked him for giving me the chance to help someone else.

To my father, I say shame on you. You are not following the teachings of jesus. You don't owe me anything. I have made my own choices, and I will live with, through, and enjoy the consequences. I have no doubt. But you are not my family. And when someone you love says they need help, you help them. You don't hide behind your rigid belief system that keeps you insulated from the rest of the world.

My mother says she is happy he has found a belief system that helps him be a good person. I really want to believe that too, I just have to stop expecting him to act like family. Hypocrite.

He reads my blog to "keep tabs" on me. Really, it feels like he is monitoring my conformity, and I feel like someone undressing by a window with someone staring from across the street with binoculars. Voyeur. If I could restrict access I would. But I can't so I say now, shame on you. You have no right to watch.

I am angry, and I know that when I am angry I cause hurt. I don't want to cause hurt. I just needed to blow off some steam. I hope I have learned my lesson.

My aunt and uncle haven't responded to my email. It doesn't matter if they do. They have already given me more than I can ever repay. Its not about giving me anything, its about helping those you care about when they need it. Too often that help comes in the form of money. I don't have much of that to give, but I do have a lot of love, and a sense of humor. Sometimes I hope that has helped.

So... family. You know who they are, and who they aren't. Biology and genetics mean nothing. I have never seen a scorpion in Miami Beach. I've seen them in the keys, but they were bigger and black. I think I've seen this species in western miami where I used to live. Probably got here by accident. Don't know if he was dead when he got here or not. The ability to adapt and overcome is at the core of survival.

I am weak when it comes to relying on family, but I'm learning. I think part of it is recognizing who is really family, and who isn't. To have family, you have to be family. I haven't been part of my father's family, and I don't think I want to. Though my sister really is an angel. I'm trying. Oh yeah, congratulations Amy, no secret is safe with GG. And thank you for trying to be family. I'm trying.