What, me worry?

I'm thinking about what to say tonight. I'm thinking about how easy I have it, how much I like having a stable place to bivouac. My mom sent me the coolest book, Jesus and Buddha: the Parallel Sayings, by Marcus Borg. I opened it up to read a couple pages, in the chapter on discipleship.

It's talking about the blind following the blind, and about a file of blind men seeing nothing, and about attachment keeping you from the kingdom of god. Then, after three pages, it made sense with a directive from the buddha to the monks to walk for the blessing and happiness of people, and out of compassion for the world, but "let not two of you go by one way."

The attachment I understand. As a human, it seems I crave stability. That I find comfort, and maintain it into infinity. Create changelessness. And this is so contrary to the nature of the universe which, physics teaches us, tends toward disorder. Things fall apart. Life though,bucks this trend. Life is growth. Order and cooperation out of chaos and anarchy.  Life is built on cooperation and attraction from the atomic to the cellular to the organismic. And on through evolution. It is about creating order and continuity out of nothing. So of course I want to keep my tarp rigged for storms, and have fresh brewed coffee in the morning, and a hot shower every two or three days, whether I need it or not...

And what I have learned is that god won't let me down. He won't let me starve, and I even get cigarettes and cheap wine because I needed them. But the more comfort I have, the more I fear losing it. I said a couple postings ago that I give when I can, but that isn't entirely true. I give when I am moved to. Every day people ask me for money or cigarettes. And even though I have, I don't always give. If I understand Jesus and the Buddha correctly, I should hold on to nothing. Not my money, my cigarettes, my coffee, my truck, or my clothing. How can I let go of the little I have? And how many people say the same thing?

Both of these men tell me to give up everything and depend on the grace of god completely and with abandon. And that scares the piss out of me. How can I do that? I want a sailboat, so I can travel, so I can share what I've learned, and learn more. If I give everything away, how will I ever get a sailboat?

And yet, two of the greatest men to ever walk the planet tell me to do exactly that. And I am too afraid to go that far.

What would happen if everyone gave away everything they had? I know that's a pipe dream. But is that a good reason for me not to follow? Part of me says I only have this life, why waste it chasing after things I can touch and hold on to?

And I remember something about letting the light of god fill me and cast out all darkness. And I think about "let not two of you go by one way". And I remember that both Jesus and the Buddha were in their thirties when they began teaching the way, so in my late forties, I guess the pressure is off. I'm just another guy trying to find his way. But it still nags at me every time someone asks me for money, and I say no.

I am walking my own path. So are you. If you are reading this, maybe it means we are both trying to find what is the right way to be, given who we are, where we come from, and what we believe.

I don't get a lot of comments on this blog. Maybe I don't understand how they work, maybe you are afraid too. I don't want advice, I can get that from my dad. But I am curious if anyone else worries about the same things. Do you ever wonder if you should give away everything? What do you think would happen to you if you did?

I don't know anything. I don't want to be facing death and regret anything I've done. So far I don't. And also now I have let go of so much, and there is so much I still hold on to, and I wonder, should I let go of everything? Didn't I say either god is everything or nothing? What higher purpose could there be in life than to trust completely? Am I going crazy?

God is at the bottom

I trained today for the first time at the restuarant on Lincoln Road. It is an Italian place, with a really good menu and wine list, in addition to a full bar. I used to joke when I was in Georgia that I was going back to a place where people know what carpaccio is. Well not only do they have carpaccio, but a whole section of the menu for "raw" foods, including tartars and civiche.

It seems like a cool place. I didn't have to stand on the hot sidewalk all day, I had a food runner, and a busboy, and the tip out percentage is reasonable. The kitchen is big, and the overall restuarant setup is to be able to serve really good food efficiently to a lot of people. Combined with the location and the reputation (22 years in business), I'd say it is a pretty good place to be for the upcomming season.

I am supposed to start training at the place by the marina this Friday. I still haven't decided what to do about that. They specialize in fresh seafood, one of my passions, it is fine dining, so that means not much work and big checks, it is only open six hours a day, and it's on a marina. This is kind of a tough choice...

I am so grateful to be in a better job, even though I don't know where it is yet. Today the owner of the nightmare restuarant called to see if I could work tonight. He actually called twice. I didn't answer either time. I was working, but I also feel pretty strongly still that I don't want to earn one more dime for those two.

Nevertheless, I am still tight, and I may have a couple days off this week, so I walked by earlier this evening. Man, was that depressing. They actually put out placemats. Tacky. My set up looked much better. But they weren't there, and the hostess told me they were only opening for two days. Disgusting. They don't care one bit about providing good food and good service at a reasonable price. To them, the place is a whore. Open her up on the street for a couple days and make a few bucks... same as ever. No wonder I hated it. Makes me sick that I helped them, but the place kept me alive here for three months. I'm surprised I haven't had nightmares about it.

My sailboat life is tugging at my consciousness. At this moment my boat is speeding toward me like a freight train. It is time to be saving money... that is making enough money to live decently and save... and adjusting my habits. Not sure exactly what that means, but my life is becomming a little more gentle and less animal-like. Only by the grace of god, and only for the moment. Things can change very fast, and eventually they will. But chance favors the prepared mind, so I guess I need to try to keep mine sharp, and pay more attention to the sustainability of my lifestyle.

My brother included dental floss and new oral b toothbrushes in his care package. I haven't mentioned it but indirectly once, but I have been getting worried about my teeth. I won't go into details, but the floss and the new brushes have definitely had an observable effect after only a couple days.

I haven't exercised in a month, and I haven't meditated in months... except once a couple days ago. I'm still eating basically healthy, but my diet needs to improve too. Abraham Maslow propose a heirarchy of needs where you must satisfy the lower needs before you can do anything with the higher needs. At the bottom were food, clothing, shelter, then social stuff I think, love and family, then spirituality at the top. He got it wrong.

The thing I've noticed is that the more basic my needs, the easier it is to see, feel, and rely on god, and the more I need a spiritual connection to my higher power. The more comfortable I get, the less obvious is my dependence, and the easier it is to forget that my reality is part me, but mostly god. So I'm not sure what to do with that observation yet, but I just thought I'd throw it out there.

Guess that's it for tonight. It's holloween on South Beach, and the cops are really tweeky. I'm going to try to get some afterdark beach time, but who knows what will happen. It's all good though. I doubt I will get arrested, and tomorrow is Sunday so I can come back then if tonight doesn't work out. Gotta stay positive, right?

Tropical squall

Well that was kind of cool... a nice little squall line just sprung up over north miami beach and marched right across south beach. Lightning, thunder, sideways rain, for about 30 minutes. I saw it comming, realized I was going to be stuck here instead of going to happy hour, and decided to grab a foster's from the local market before the storm hit. I almost made it.

I was about 100 m away from my truck when the temperature dropped, the wind picked up, and I could see a wall of rain two blocks up. I started to sprint past people who obviously didn't understand florida weather, along-side a couple people who obviously did. It started to pour, in a very tropical manner when I was about 25 m away. All in all, I was pleased I only got a little wet, not drenched like those I watched walk by a little later.

But that wasn't the end. The storm popped up out of thin air, and my living space wasn't rigged for a storm. I proceded to lift the tarp to dump the water that was collecting over my bed, then prop up my two poles to try to keep the tarp tent-like. I managed to accomplish this without too much of my stuff getting wet. I'm simultaneously washing clothes, the machines are outdoors, so I had to re-spin my wash before I could put it in the drier. The rain has stopped for now, but another cell is on it's way. Thank you almost real-time radar.

So I squared away my rigging, adding a couple of bungee chords, and have put my wet sheet through the wash. It was getting smelly anyway. Have a few minutes, and decided to write.

I have it pretty easy. A washer and drier at my disposal, a sheltered parking space, and a hot water shower that I can use almost any time. All thanks to a very good friend who manages to stay positive in the face of circumstances that would scare me to... I don't know what, but I will do anything I can to help make her life easier.

You know, I considered pulling my last post where I wigged out about my father. I decided not to because I want this blog to be honest. I have issues, just like everyone else. I don't claim to be a guru. I'm just another bozo on the bus, trying to get there.

This morning I was offered another job. This one isn't by a marina, but I can walk there from here. It is a restuarant in the busiest part of south beach with a company that I have worked for before, and they have been in business for a good ten years. I haven't turned down the other job; I am scheduled to start next Friday, but I start training at this one tomorrow morning. Feast or famine.

The last three months have been really hard, and I'm not out of the tunnel yet. But I can see the light. I am sticking to my rule to not move somewhere again until season is about to start. I gambled moving here in july, and I surely paid my dues. But I survived, and now I have a great job, and a back-up great job.

Some people will never understand what I am doing, or why. Others will think it is obvious. After decades of depression, I have finally found my voice. Those with ears will hear. Please just let me get rid of this troublesome self that always wants something... my my, I do love the smell and feel of clean sheets and clothes!

Oh yeah, before I sign off, my brother sent me a care package for my birthday. Choked me up for most of the day. But inside, among other things, was a can of mosquito repellant... I've not used it before, because I don't want to smell like off. But he also included some of those moist towels you clean baby's butts with, so I figured I'd give it a try... not one bite! I slept the longest I have slept, undisturbed, since 28 july 2010. Thanks Bro.

Afterthoughts

I'm on the beach now. It is really difficult to stay mad with a beautiful moonrise and the sound of surf softly landing on the shore.

I didn't have a family growing up. But I always knew I was loved. Some people never grow up.

I made the right decision to stay here. Even though it is late October and I still sweat everyday and night, I have found peace here. It is a strange feeling... like cotton in your ears. Even though the world is chaotic arround you, there is a silence that envelops you like a blanket.

I meant to mention that I have found a holy place. I have never felt the peace and the silence that exists at the intersection of third and meridian. I can feel it two blocks away as I walk toward it. Honestly, it's the wierdest thing. I don't understand it, but I know it. And there is a beautiful jamacian woman who lives on that corner, and I bet someday I will have the chance to tell her how lucky she is. And, from her smile, I bet she will tell me she already knows it.

Every little thing is going to be alright. I'm not sure why I had to ask for help, but maybe it had something to do with appreciating family. That's the thing with lessons, you never know what you're learning until you've learned it. I just might get to meet my neice by email soon. I've never seen her. I want to have a family, and I am afraid that I won't be good enough.

Enough of that. No worries, god's will is perfect, and god's love is sufficient. Clear skys and cool breezes.  :)

Family

I think I had a serious lesson about family today. I found myself needing to ask for help again. I don't like being in that position, but maybe I was supposed to experience this.

My day started when my friend, the one whose parking space I am using, out of nowhere, offered to loan me money. I was taken aback. This is an unemployed mother of two who has opened her home to me and asked nothing in return. She told me her financial situation, and why it would be ok. I said no, and thanked her profusely. This is someone I would give my last dollar to if she needed it. Family. And she would probably buy pot with it, and I would still give it to her.

I sent an email out to my family when I realized my restuarant probably would not reopen; the tables have been removed from the sidewalk. I only had a few dollars, and I saw that hunger was just around the corner. I wasn't asking for long term support, just enough to get me through until I was making money again; two weeks probably.

My mother sent me money before the day was over. She is another person I would give my last dollar to, gladly. She has supported me emotionally, financially, and physically every time I have asked. She probably knows me better than anyone, and she says she trusts my process.

My father, to his credit, called me. He said I have to live with the consequences of my choices, and suggested I take the loan. I was disappointed to say the least. If he said he didn't have enough to share, I would understand that. Everyday homeless people here ask me for money. I rarely have enough to share. I tell them I am in the same boat, and they understand.

Today I bought breakfast; two bananas and a package of peanuts. The bananas were close to being bad, the owner of the store told me to take two more and give him two dollars. I said I couldn't eat that much, but then a homeless woman walked in. I asked if she wanted two bananas. She said yes. I gave the guy two bucks and thanked him for giving me the chance to help someone else.

To my father, I say shame on you. You are not following the teachings of jesus. You don't owe me anything. I have made my own choices, and I will live with, through, and enjoy the consequences. I have no doubt. But you are not my family. And when someone you love says they need help, you help them. You don't hide behind your rigid belief system that keeps you insulated from the rest of the world.

My mother says she is happy he has found a belief system that helps him be a good person. I really want to believe that too, I just have to stop expecting him to act like family. Hypocrite.

He reads my blog to "keep tabs" on me. Really, it feels like he is monitoring my conformity, and I feel like someone undressing by a window with someone staring from across the street with binoculars. Voyeur. If I could restrict access I would. But I can't so I say now, shame on you. You have no right to watch.

I am angry, and I know that when I am angry I cause hurt. I don't want to cause hurt. I just needed to blow off some steam. I hope I have learned my lesson.

My aunt and uncle haven't responded to my email. It doesn't matter if they do. They have already given me more than I can ever repay. Its not about giving me anything, its about helping those you care about when they need it. Too often that help comes in the form of money. I don't have much of that to give, but I do have a lot of love, and a sense of humor. Sometimes I hope that has helped.

So... family. You know who they are, and who they aren't. Biology and genetics mean nothing. I have never seen a scorpion in Miami Beach. I've seen them in the keys, but they were bigger and black. I think I've seen this species in western miami where I used to live. Probably got here by accident. Don't know if he was dead when he got here or not. The ability to adapt and overcome is at the core of survival.

I am weak when it comes to relying on family, but I'm learning. I think part of it is recognizing who is really family, and who isn't. To have family, you have to be family. I haven't been part of my father's family, and I don't think I want to. Though my sister really is an angel. I'm trying. Oh yeah, congratulations Amy, no secret is safe with GG. And thank you for trying to be family. I'm trying.

New chapter

On the southwest, and northeast corners of the intersection of meridian and 3rd street on Miami Beach are two benches. Even though there are no waves, this is one of my favorite places. It is so peaceful and quiet. Its a four-way stop, and there is a steady trickle of auto, bicycle, skateboard, and pedestrian traffic. The silence here is penetrating.

So guess what? I just got a job. This is the one that I have been waiting for, I think. It is a corporate restuarant, specializing in fresh seafood, fine dining. This one is going to get me my sailboat. Wanna know how I know? Because it is overlooking the bay at a marina with a lot of sailboats. They have restuarants in a lot of places where there are also oceans. That means that after I have the boat, and have saved some money, I may be able to transfer to another location. Hoorah!

I am blessed... but there is always a catch. This one is that training is five days long, I can't start for atleast three days, possibly 10, and I'm pretty much out of money.

But you know what? I've been in worse situations. So far, god has fed me everyday. I did have to ask for help once. I seriously don't want to do that again. Don't waste what you have, and don't buy stuff you don't need. That maxim has gotten me through a lot of tough times. So we will see what happens tomorrow,  and we will see what happens with this job. I'm not actually working there yet, and I have definitely learned to not celebrate until I have cash in hand.

But today, right now, I am happy. I have cigarettes, food, wine, friends, and a dry, too warm place to sleep. What else could I ask for? Only one thing... for god to totaly wipe out mosquitos as a species. I wouldn't ask for that though, who knows what would take their place. Better to keep my eyes open for some screen.

Let them eat cake

The restuarant is like Hotel California. It was supposed to close Saturday, I went by Sunday to see how it looked closed at night, and to my surprise, the doors were open. I walked up to the sidewalk and ran into the owner of the neighboring building. He said he didn't know what was going on. I walked up to the door, and the hostess, and the coke-head waiter were there, setting up tables.

They said they had no cook, no bus boy, no bartender, but when they showed up for work the doors were open. They didn't know who opened them. We exchanged what we knew, and basically, no one knew anything, but they were trying to open despite the fact that the coolers and the kitchen were locked.

It was like watching ghosts.

The first table sat, ordered an orange juice and a corona. OJ, no problem. Corona, couldn't get. Table left. They called the bartender with the keys, and she would arrive in 20 minutes. They called the wife-owner. She said the restuarant was closed until Wednesday, but husband would call them Tuesday to pay them the money they were owed when he returned from France...

On Sunday, at the end of the walk to benefit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, they released buterflies. They read a Native American legend where if you have a wish you must capture a butterfly. You then tell the butterfly your wish and set it free. Because butterflies make no sound, they can reveal your secret to no one but the Great Spirit.

Today I found one of those butterflies they released, dead in an ashtray at the hostel. I am here charging my battery because the library is closed on Sunday, and I spent all day today job hunting. No offers, but god will put me where I am supposed to be. I know it was one of the butterflies they released because I recognize the species, even though I can't name it right now. They are not in season here and now. But if you google map university of miami and 250 ocean drive, you will see that the butterfly somehow made it several miles across open water and against prevailing winds in approximately one day.

A couple thoughts... I wondered if he told the Great Spirit anyone's wish... this is where wishes come to die... how did he get here?... why did I find him?... Did he really fly here?

Spent a couple hours with the ghosts of casanova. They were there because the owners owed them money. Actually made a connection with the coke-head. Turns out he has a passion for helping the Hatians who are still devastated from the hurricaine that hit, how many years ago? Anyway,he is squatting in an apartment in forclosure and is leaving in a couple weeks. He said I could have the key for $200. Hot water and electricity free of charge for a little while...

Yes, that is a Kilwin's store on Lincoln Road on South Beach. Kilwin's is a confectionary that I have visited in a small town in Northern Michigan where my grandmother lives. A wholesome town... seeing the store here was a little like how I imagine I would feel running into my grandmother on the beach in a bikini.

Shocking.

It is still hot during the day, mid-80's. Nights are cool on the beach because of the wind. My parking space is sheltered, and I cover the bed of my truck with a stylish blue tarp. Tarp keeps it warm, so I still sweat if I cover myself. If I dont , I have the ever present mosquito. Six of one, half a dozen of the other. I am really optomistic at this point. I am released from my servitude to the French, and I didn't have to guillotine them. I am about to find a job that pays me, in a restuarant that is run well, and season is about to hit. I am ready. And who knows, maybe I'm supposed to do something else, like dance and play a tamborine in the street while I sing hare krishna.. krishna krishna... hare hare...

Something positive

Second day of not working... I don't like being unemployed, never have. Working gives me something to do, and some reassurance that I will be able to pay my bills. I am confident I am doing the right things, and also I have to pay attention to my fears. They are unreasonable, and I have to keep them in check, otherwise they will dominate me. Fear is not possible when there is faith. I just keep reaffirming my faith. Over and over and over...

Tomorrow I walk for the american foundation for suicide prevention. Actually, I've raised no money and I'm just walking to support my friend. I thought tomorrow would be the last day the restuarant would be open, so I didn't think I would be able to walk. I can't say I'm looking forward to it, but I bet it will be fun. We will make it fun.

The spitting incident is still in my head. I don't feel shame, but I don't feel proud either. I don't know why I did it, and I feel a little disappointed that I didn't behave like jesus or the buddha. What a bar to set for myself, huh?

AA has an expression that some people hate, but I love; I'm just another bozo on the bus. I am no better and no worse than anyone else on this long strange trip, and I act like a clown as often as any. We all have our stuff, and it sometimes is easy to see someone else's, but difficult to see your own. Especially when there are strong emotions involved.

It is Saturday night. Another weekend on South Beach. I still don't like weekends here, wish I were working so I could profit from people being drunk and spending money. Well, there will be another weekend in six days, and maybe I will have a job by then. And I am very happy I don't have to worry about drunks staring at me or vomiting on me in the middle of the night. No, that never happened.

I just shared some wine with a friend on the beach. He told me I was on a good path. It hit me then. Yes, I am on a path. One that others have walked before me. He told me that I am one of the most positive people he knows. Or something like that. Never been told that. I am sort of on the path of an aesetic, but it's not voluntary. I would love to eat more, but I'm ok with eating less. I am celibate, but if my soulmate were here, I most certainly would not be. I pray everyday, sometimes almost all day long, but usually it is in the form of a reggae song by Ziggy Marley, "I want to live in your house... I want to live in your house... I want to live in your house... I want to live in your house".

I don't want to say I am anything. I'm just another bozo on the bus. I just feel like I have gone through, and continue to go through some things that I hope other people can relate to. And I hope that by me sharing how I live through my life, it may help someone else get through their's. So I will say it again... if you like what you are reading, please share the link with someone else. Just one or two other people who think like you do, or like I do...

Not really sure how to end this. The photo is from last night... MB Poplice arresting someones. I will have a computer soon, so I can use a real digital camera, even if it's not an SLR, and maybe I can do something about the ad's and useful links. Tonight I will go back to the restuarant to have a last drink with the people I worked with on the last night it will be open. Tomorrow I walk, and Monday I hope to find a new place to work.

Sometimes I don't feel very positive... but then something, or someone, always happens to remind me that I am never alone unless I want to be. Smile, everything will be ok.

Photos

Damn, photos came across in the wrong order. You're supposed to see the second one first. Cool and abstract, then see the second... oh, its a sewer. The best laid plans, right?

Cortadito...

... the REAL reason I came back to Miami Beach. Not the ocean, not the international population, not the general craziness; I came back for the cuban coffee. The closest beverage I have ever found that is accurately described by the word ambrosia (excepting maybe a couple wines) is the cortadito. A half and half mix of sweetened cuban coffee and steamed milk. I have been able to make a barely suitable replication in other places, but nowhere in the United States, that I have found, can you find anything like what you can get here for $0.75 - $1.50, depending on where you go.

Speaking of general craziness... I enjoyed my day off. I went back for my tips at 4:00 when the restuarant was supposed to open. The owners were talking with the GM of the hotel that occupies the rest of the building. All three were obviously stressed. The rumormill said they might have to stay open for another week. No, there is no way I will subject myself to that for another day, unless god tells me to. I wait 30 minutes, still they don't show up in the restuarant, so I pour myself a drink at the unattended bar, and leave for a couple hours.

When I came back, the day cook was just leaving, she got her money, and the owners were in their little corner where the money is. I only had to wait for about 20 minutes to get everything they owed me, less maybe five bucks. I took it and ran. Actually, something unusual happened as I walked down the steps.

I had thanked the owner for letting me work, thus concluding our relationship. I walked out the door, down the first flight of stairs, and suddenly, completely without thinking about it, spit on the landing.

Now, I don't spit. I think it is a waste of water. But something welled up and said spit me out... NOW! So I did. And that act, I think, actually concluded the relationship. I will not earn one more dime for those two ever in my life, unless god tells me to. And whatever me spitting set in motion, maybe nothing, I will probably never know.

My friend whose parking space I am living in is close to normal, but showing signs of stress. She cleaned today for about seven hours. Not straight, she took a nap, but she didn't look for a job. She says she will go back to Paris in December if she doesn't find a job. I really hope she does find a job, because I've made a pretty comfortable bivouac (all possible meanings) in her unused parking space.

Nothing is ever as simple as it seems. It's like the buddhist story about the couple who couldn't conceive, then they did. Kid got a horse, fell off and broke his leg. Broken leg stopped him from getting conscripted, you just never know.

It just goes to show you, if it's not one thing, it's another... if it's not toilet paper on your shoe, it's little green things stuck in between your teeth. God bless Gilda Radner and everything she set in motion. Remind me to tell you about the Xlerator, and Dyson's contribution to eliminating landfill... what do you think google will come up with for ad's for this posting?

Thanks for reading.

One door closes...

Yeah, you gotta bitch once in awhile. I guess I just had to get it out of my system. That restuarant was bad news... I say was because they closed yesterday. Atleast they stopped serving breakfast and lunch. They will be open for dinner today and tomorrow, just to try to sell off as much inventory as they can. They are already out of the napkins we roll silverwear in.

The owner told me yesterday around noon. Your job is gone mark, but you can work dinners for the next two days if you want. I slept on it, and I don't think so. First, the morale on that shift is already horrible, we have almost nothing left to sell, and I can use that time to look for another job. I am very happy that test is over. I hope I passed.

I have been stressing lately because I knew it was comming. Knew things were going to change somehow, sometime, before long. Now it is done. There is still a rumor that the new owners might keep me on, but I'm not putting much stock in that. I have absolutely no doubt something will come for me. I am starting my part now; I reaffirmed my faith and commitment to my higher power, and am starting to do the paddeling...

Someone told me once that a spiritual life is like being in a canoe with god. God does the steering, you do the paddeling.

Gotta bitch once in awhile...

Just in case any of you at home are thinking of trying this, I want to reitterate that being homeless is not comfortable. Staying clean is probably the most insidious stress, and the most difficult to fight. Next is existing next to people who pay for a roof. They don't like us, no matter how pleasant and unobtrusive we try to be. They seem to somehow think we are partly to blame for their predicament, what ever it might be. I try to put myself in their position... so some guy is sleeping in his truck in the parking space next to mine. Ok, one day a week, on the day he isn't gone before I am, I see that he is sleeping when I am on my way to work. At night, I come home, and he is asleep in his truck bed. There is an ugly blue tarp covering his truck. Maybe this makes my propery value come down. Or maybe my friends think I live in a ghetto...

It is late october, and I am still sweating most of the time. If I close my trailer-trash blue tarp to keep the mosquitos out, it gets hot. If I don't, it is still hot, and I get bit all night. Because I am pond-scum, I can only drink water at work, so replacing my electrolytes is a little more difficult. One coca-cola a day replaces most of the potassium and whatever else you sweat out besides water. It is very refreshing, and humiliating when you run all day, from sidewalk to kitchen, up three flights of stairs and back at least two times per table, and if you are lucky, you have 10-20 tables...and are not allowed to have one or two fountain cokes, costing fractions of a penny each.

I guess I'm a little angry tonight, and I'm not sure why. Maybe it was the cab driver who stopped in front of me for no other reason than to keep me stuck in the middle of the street, and was self-righteous when I flipped him off. Maybe it is the stores that charge ridiculous prices for low quality goods, and the self-centered clerks who work there. Maybe it is "the man" who profits from overpriced goods and underpaid workers.

Maybe it is the fact that I am getting old and can't see without these screwed up reading glasses with only one arm that I am pretty sure are making my eyesight worse every time I use them. Or my four front bottom lower teeth that are disgusting because after six visits and about $2400, my dentist still couldnt get around to cleaning them, but he was all about scolding me for a popcorn kernal stuck between my molars. Asshole.

I have hemmorhoirds. Talk about a pain in the ass. I think I can pay a butt-load of money to have them surgically removed... probably they are symptoms of undiagnosed rectal cancer. Oh yeah, and you know how when you travel to a new place, sometimes you can't have a bowel movement for a couple days because your sphincter just isn't comfortable? Well, try that on a continuous basis....

I don't know, have I bitched enough yet? I'm upset because one of my friends stopped being a friend without explanation. She is young, and either there was some unacknowledged attraction going on, or I really am just a gross old drunk. My other friend is almost back to normal, though she is still stressing about being unemployed.

Today I got it from a pretty reliable source that the evil racist incompetent owners will be gone this Saturday, and that the restuarant will keep going until december. That could be good...

Did I mention that my lower back hasn't stopped hiurting for about a year and a half? If someone tells me jesus will solve all my problems, I'm really gonna be pissed...

12 weeks

I had the day off today. I used it to pay a couple parking tickets, pick up some mail (general delivery), clean and reorganize my truck, do a couple things for a friend, read a little, and reflect on where I am and what I'm doing.

No conclusions, except to realize that I'm not tied to South Beach. I could be in Key West before dawn if I wanted to. I could be in Savannah or Charleston without too much difficulty within a day or two. It is reassuring, given the uncertainty around the restuarant right now. Season isn't far, and I have the whole state of Florida if I need to move.

I don't want to move. Not yet. I have put so much energy into carving out my niche, and I am finally able to relax a little,  I'm not anxious to go back into survival mode. And besides, I still don't have my boat. But I'm also thinking it might be easier to find a cheap boat in the Keys. And the time to move there isn't far away. Just after 01 Nov 2010 would be a fine time. I am flying to Philly for Thanksgiving to see my grandmother, but Miami International isn't that hard to get to from the Keys.

One thing I pray many times a day is that god will guide me through my thoughts and feelings to do his will instinctively. And in turn, I try to trust my thoughts and feelings. And they have gotten me this far, so I recon I will keep doing what I've been doing until it doesn't work.

Random thoughts;

I've gotten pretty skinny. I weigh less now than at the worst of my using days. I am so much happier though...

Miami Beach is like the biblical town of Babel. Atleast what I know of it, and I need to read more. Haven't read much old testament. But anyway, my point is that there are so many languages spoken here, I would have a hard time counting them. Difference is, we all speak enough English, and know how to point, that we manage to communicate and enjoy each other. Some people just want to use or be used, but there is a really nice spirituality here that comes from relating to strange people from strange lands and finding that we pretty much care about the same things.

I have been homeless for 12 weeks as of tomorrow... that's seven days times 12... 84 days... wow. Yesterday is the first time I felt a little sick. That's why I took today off. I slept 10 hours, drank lots of water, and I think I will beat it.

Just because you want to be a friend with someone, doesn't mean that they are ready to be a friend with you. And when you are as weird as me, that shouldn't be too surprising. As a corrolary, everyone has their own shit/crosses/baggage. It isn't my world. We are all struggling through it as best we can, and sometimes people I care deeply about have their own stuff to work out. They are not here for my benefit. In fact, I want to be here to benefit them. So, sometimes I have to let people I love suffer. Even though I may not understand it at the time, they are doing exactly what they need to be doing according to their own relationship with god. And if I can, I will be there when they want me to be.

I love to pee in the ocean. I return the water that I borrow to my great mother. After all, we are just ugly bags of mostly water (some of you might know who said that :)  ).

The nights are getting cooler. Today though, I received a magic blanket. Some objects are heavier than they should be. It is because they carry a connection to god. This blanket will protect me from the cold, and many other things I am sure, for a long time.

There is only one truth. It cannot be spoken. All the enlightened people of our human history have tried to bring knowledge of it in to our consciousness. I think I am learning that they've tried because to live that truth is to be free. The best I can describe it, is love. Love yourself, that will allow you to love others. Love others, that will allow you to love yourself. In fact, there is no difference.

The figurines were made by one of my guests as he sat through his lunch. He had eyes that were heavier than you normally see. Sometimes you just know when you are in the presence of someone special. He gave me a great overtip too!

It's simple, not easy.

If any one from Mama Lucia's reads this blog, I want to tell you you don't know how good you have it. My goodness, this place I am in is completely off the wall. The owners may not be quite as bad as Len and Barbara - they don't fight much, but they do screw things up whenever they feel like something needs to be done. But what makes you lucky is that Len and Barb actually care about their restuarant. These two care more about making sure no one steals from them than about making their guests happy. In fact, unless the guests are French, I don't think they give two thoughts about anyone's dining experience.

Today is a milestone for me. My phone bill is due tomorrow, and I have enough money to pay for it! I'm not going to though, yet, because I don't know if when I show up for work tomorrow the doors will be locked or open. It could be frustrating as hell that I have finally broke even, and my income could dry up at any given moment. So I am going to save everything for as long as I can with a weather eye for feeding myself. I say it could be frustrating, because I'm really not frustrated. I am happy. I know I am being taken care of. Everything will be ok.

In AA they say god will do for you what you can't do for yourself. Thing is, you have to do for yourself. Funny thing is, you don't always know what you are capable of doing for yourself. But don't worry, god will let you know... these are the lessons that you keep repeating until you learn them. This life really is an education that you enrolled in before you chose your parents. You and god sat down, reviewed your spiritual progress through all your other lives to this point, and decided what circumstances would give you the opportunity to learn the most. Actually, god is a sort of guidance counselor/teacher/lifeguard. And you can depend on her for your whole life, for everything. That's why I am here... to show you that god loves you.

No, I'm not getting any sort of savior complex. I make so many mistakes... but now I am letting anyone who will listen know about them so that, if they want, they can trust a little more. If I can do it, so can you.

Today a friend asked me when I would be getting my boat. "Whenever god let's me", was my response. And really, your other lives are happening at this moment, and all of your soulbrothers and sisters are co-existing and co-evolving at the same time you are. We evolve together. What you learn helps me. What I learn helps you. In fact, I'm pretty sure we are all expressions of the same divine existence. You and I are simply the manifestations of god's thoughts in his infinite being. We really are one. Our seperateness is an illusion, and truly, our original sin is thinking our self's, in their individualness, are real.

Now, mama lucia employees, in the morning after you read this, when you go to work and see len and barbara, I want you to remember that they are both part of you. If you can love them, you are loving yourself, and in turn, you are drawing yourself closer to god. How's that for a nice way to start your day? Atleast they speak english! And I do the same thing; I try to love the sneaky, lying, stealing, condescending owners, because they are expressions of myself.

When you dream, all of the characters are really parts of you. When you live, everyone you are in contact with are really expressions of your godself. The ones you hate are manifesting what you hate about yourself. The more you can love everyone, the more you love yourself, and reduce the seperateness between you and me and god.

I think I've said enough for tonight. Thank goodness I only have to remember going through this life once. Tomorrow is another day.

Love is all you need

A high pressure area has pushed Paula to the East. Today was clear, even hot. As the sun sets, there is a cool breeze, and the ocean is beautiful. I can see it from the restuarant where I am sitting waiting for my tips because I have no money, and they owe me $150.

Yesterday was rough. My friend who is letting me stay in her parking space still has no job, rent is due in two weeks, and her youngest son had his 13th birthday and she couldn't afford to buy him any presents. I had no money to give her, nor to buy him a present either.

My lovely Israeli bartender friend for some reason is being distant. Probably has to do with whatever made her withdraw in the first place. Probably something I said that touched some nerve, and who knows? She doesn't want to talk to me about it.

My friend Scott is out of money, stuck off the beach, and temporarily unavailable to share happy hour beers. We're still texting though.

My soulmate is still unable to talk to me because she loves me too much.

The owners are close to a deal of some sort, and they are putting as little money into the restuarant as possible. We never have any paper products in the restroom, we regularly run out of eggs, and getting my tips is even more difficult than usual.

The promoter is here. He is training people, and trying to implement some basic standards of service that have been lacking for longer than I've been here. So yesterday I had to deal with all the stress of working in this restuarant purgatory, and sucking it up to be professional with the new guy, who was late, I didn't suck, but I wish I could have been better.

I want the world to be the way I want it. Things would go so much smoother... funny, huh? It just doesn't work that way. I don't get the respect I deserve, I don't get the love (nurturing) I need, people don't sigh and bow as I approach... thank god. I have enough trouble with my pride as it is.

I survived feeling helpless when a friend was in need yesterday. I know it must be worse for a parent. She probably feels ten times the guilt and frustration that I felt. Sometimes, there is nothing you can do. Sometimes, life is hard, and all you can do is keep the faith and try to create a little joy, no matter how insignificant it seems. Shit happens, and things change, ok? I have been blessed to have almost no property, and no one depending on me. Maybe that's what they mean that I have no responsabilities...

There is a huge group of teenage german athletes of some sort here at the hostel... I finally got my tips and kind of blew up at the owner. He gave me half what he owes me. Told me he could eat for a month on that. I told him it isn't a gift, I earn it, and I should get it everyday. He said he would change his procedure next week... right. I don't like teenagers, athletes, or germans. Not really, but they are dominating this space, and there is techno music playing, russian bartender. Sometimes you just can't get what you want.

But if you can stop wanting, you will always get what you need.

So because of the weather I haven't properly cleaned myself for two days. The sky is clear, and the breeze is not too cool. The ocean is calm, and I am going to go scrub my whole body with sand until I have removed the filth that has accumulated over the past two days living in this beautiful place. I will bring what gifts I can afford to my blessed host family, and I will sleep in the bed of my Dodge, get up tommorrow, and do it again. Because that is life. I am here in this place, now, because I am playing my single note in the universal symphony at the exact moment it is supposed to be played. What do I want for that, a cookie? Well, I can have one if I give good enough service to get enough money to buy one. That's why I do what I do.... for the cookies!

All you need is love... love

Have I mentioned the wild parrots here? Parrots are not indigenous to Miami, yet there is a pretty large flock that can often be found in the park that I pass through on my way to the beach. In the day time, you hear them first. They squak when they fly, and purr when they nap in the trees. They don't like it when you put your towel on the grass under them when they're napping. I'll leave it to your imagination...

How did they get here? Hurricaine Andrew liberated their first members from the Miami Zoo back in 1992. There were only a few then, I was living in the keys at the time. When I started going to school in Miami, I would see three or four flying together. Now, eight years later, there must be fifty. They definitely have found their niche. Maybe in competition with the mocking birds?

I love the mocking birds here in Florida. Their tail feather colors are much more brilliant, and their behavior much more flambouyant than in other parts of the country where I've seen them. In New York, for example, I had a bit of trouble even identifying them, they're so different.

So my tarp worked great last night. There wasn't any wind, but there was a constant drizzle. I opened up the sheltered side, and it was warm and dry. Actually a little hot after my milk and cookies. They always make me sweat. I left my matress in the bed today while I was at work, and it was nice and dry when I got home. We are starting to get some rain from Paula, no wind yet. The prediction currently is for a high pressure area to push her off to the East before she gets here. We will see.

There are four new waiters training at the restuarant starting tonight. I get one in the morning. Fresh meat for the French grinder. Baby steps, right?

Meanwhile, I only had four tables today, but I got great over tips, but they were all credit cards, and I have just enough money for a couple happy hour beers with a prudent reserve of $5 left over. So all in all, life is good. I'm listening to reggrae with my favorite Israeli bartender, and I have a dry place to sleep tonight, and a chance to serve tomorrow. what more could I ask for?

All you need is love...

Wow, what a day. It began last night when I went out dancing to live reggae with a friend. We went to a couple of places, danced until five am. I had so much fun. Dancing is so theraputic, I was feeling it into the afternoon.

I was awakened by a text from the restuarant club promoter to come to the restuarant to talk to him. I was hoping for something like "mark, you're now the general manager, and we've decided to give you a huge signing bonus". Not really, but it felt like it could be spectacular. Turned out to be that they want to fire the cokehead waiter and move me to dinner shifts. But before I could get there, at 11:45, my trainee wigged out and quit/fired herself. They had even changed the schedule; mark has today off, and works alone again on days for the rest of the week. If they would just let me hire my replacement... actually, that's a good idea.

In fact though, the news was spectacular. The real news was that the promoter is now letting the club go a little because it's doing well, and he is ready to jump in to the restuarant. Of course he is also positioning himself for 01 Nov 2010, but that's good because we work well together. I finally have some help, and from someone the owners like and trust enough that we can actually make some real changes and turn it into a great restuarant.

I bought a tarp for my truck today, then went to Boston Market. I had the first hot, almost home cooked meal I've eaten in over two months. And it cost less than Subway. I will be taking the 25 cent local bus up to the other end of South Beach much more often. As I was eating, I paused to reflect on where I've been since 28 July 2010. I had a sudden, overpowering feeling of gratitude. I nearly cried.

Played around with the tarp for awhile, and must say I am very satisfied with my initial rigging. I think it will handle your average tropical storm, and I have a few days to refine it before hurricaine Paula gets here. I still need to find a way to button up from inside, and I will. I was going to take a picture to post, but it's form looks like trailer trash. It's function though, is beautiful in it's quality. Robert Persig would appreciate it, I think.

I feel myself slowly becomming human again. When I chose to stay here, I was reduced to a dirty, old alcoholic, homeless busboy in the eyes of those around me. In fact, I think it was a sort of a purification. I stripped away some of my ego, my self, that thing that seperates me from god, and started rebuilding my life from a place where simply being here and staying alive each day was a victory. I identified strongly with the feral cats I would see around, and with the birds. Today my truck bed is closer to being all-weather, I am on the verge of paying my first bill on time, I have friends, strong faith, and a job that pays me for serving others.... man, I just got hit with another wave of gratitude. I feel like I want to sob for about 15 minutes. It may not seem like much, but I am feeling very blessed, indeed.

Today started last night when I danced with a very good friend to music that I love until I couldn't dance anymore. Dancing is a celebration of life, of your body, of your spirit. Tomorrow morning I go back to work with all it's problems and stresses. Everything changes.... nothing stays the same. I am comming to depend on that when things feel bad, and remind myself of it when things are good. We are all being taken care of according to our own needs. Trust that, and learn. I tell myself this every day.

P.S.

It is a strange experience to be jealous of fat people.

All you need is love

Finally, the weather is warm enough, the cops are gone, I got my sand bath. I've used loofa's before, often in fact, but nothing makes you feel as clean as a good, hard, sand scrub.

The new owners take over 01 Nov 2010. I would be worried if I didn't know everything always works out. They own a very hot night club in Nice, and it seems they want to own another in South Beach. I know they want to do some renovations, but I don't know if they will close the restuarant, if they will keep the restuarant, if they will keep any staff... and I don't expect to know before 01 Nov 2010. But I do know that they know my name, and that may be a good sign. We will see.

Life went on today at the restuarant. I made money, my trainee got weird. Who knows if she will make it. I'm not worried. She is on her own path. I work tomorrow night, and I am taking Wednesday off. No matter what happens, this will probably be so. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it. And yes, I am pretty much naked at the moment. I like the beach at night.

You know, you really have to face your fears and conquer them. At least I do. For 24 hours I have been pissed off about getting kicked off the beach, again. I told a friend about the beach being closed from 12 to 5. She asked me where is the door? I love it. I like my sand baths. I like my beach when no one is here. That guy threatened to take it away from me. I could have said something ugly, then avoided the beach because this seems to be a police state sometimes. But instead, I asserrted my right to swim naked when no one was looking, and I feel much better. Cleaner too. I think I will come back tomorrow, weather permitting.

The police helicopters are still here. I count two at the moment. But, they let me bathe and swim (probably watched on infrared... perverts), and all is right again.

Fear is about as useless as guilt. Both are signals to pay attention to something that needs changing. Nothing more. I know people who live their lives continuously stoking one or the other in their hearts. That is a choice too. There is a way to live in trust and security and inner peace. All you have to do is say you believe, and you have opened the door.

When I first stopped shooting cocaine and started going to NA and AA. I took the first three steps of the 12 steps. And I did have a spiritual awakening. I suddenly felt a warmth, a peace in my chest, filling a hole that I hadn't even realized was there until I opened myself to something bigger than myself. When I realized that I couldn't manage my own life, and took the chance to open my mind to the possibility that there is a higher power in this life. And I asked, without knowing who I was asking, for help... I was given an awareness of a love for me, exactly as I was, with all my imperfections, and that's how this all started. That's how I came to be here.

So, fear and guilt, and jealousy too, are choices. You don't have to stay in those sad, sad feelings. The temperature is dropping, there is a beautiful first quarter moon, and I think I can hear a live reggae band warming up. Be happy. When I started this blog... it seems like a very long time ago, I asked for a blessing that it would be free of selfish motives and that those who had ears would hear. So I want to say thank you again for reading. You are keeping me sane. Please feel free to kick in and comment. I get great emails, but I am the only one who reads them. I think if you leave a comment on the blog site other people will be able to read what you say.

So conquer your fear, find your voice, and add it to mine if it is in your heart. We are in for really good times.

Cool breezes, and clear skys....

Sand baths

I simply cannot afford to induldge in anger. Anger distracts me. It takes me out of being present when I wait on my tables. I lose things, and I lose money when I let myself stay angry.

It has been too chilly at night lately to take a sand bath. I don't think I've described that yet. My Israeli bartender friend turned me on to it. You sit at the edge of the surfline, pick up handfulls of wet sand, and vigorously scrub your whole body with it. Rinse in the sea, then with fresh water. Shampoo if you have hair. It leaves you feeling very clean.

So it has been too cold lately to get naked on the beach at night, let alone naked and wet, until tonight. So I am having a glass of wine, cheerfully waiting for it to get dark enough so I won't offend my neighbors, and guess who comes rolling up on their four-wheelers? You got it, Miami Beach's finest... Well, first of all, I am subject to arrest for drinking wine on the beach. Second, where do I live? It is THE SAME guy that frisked me that first night. Staying with a friend at... do I have permission to search your bag? Seems some woman had her phone stolen by a white guy in a white t-shirt... right. When were you arrested last? I don't think "fuck you" is a very smart response.

Long story, short version; I stay at peace, and still get kicked off the beach and don't get my sand bath. I figure had I stayed I may have been mugged. And also, as I'm sitting off the beach putting my shoes on, a whole bunch of people come walking out after me. Guess there were a lot of phones stolen tonight...

Today at noon, when everyone was waking up after partying all night, and comming for breakfast, we ran out of eggs. We didn't get low on eggs. After I sold two omlets and two eggs benedict, we had no more eggs. Shortly after, I was reprimanded for selling two eggs for $2.00. It was a side of scrambled that the waitress I am training rang up as eggs any style. That dish comes with a bunch of stuff. Only the scrambled eggs came out. I saw them, the server saw them, but somehow it was really the full plate. And no wonder breakfast sales are falling when I sell a $6.50 plate for $2.00. All this after I worked a party, as a barback (hard work), until 5:00, then had to be back at 10:00.

I contemplated walking out again, but I had this really strange, almost surreal calmness the whoke time. Maybe it was shell shock, maybe it was divine intervention. When we ran out of eggs, the restuarant emptied very quickly, and things got dicey. Evil owner-wife yelled at the drunk cook for easily 5 minutes straight over the radio. I got yelled at, my trainee got yelled at. After maybe 45 minutes of yelling, they both left. I guess she said she will never come back to the restuarant again. We should be so lucky.

Things got quiet. We didn't set the empty tables or solicit customers. Still, I got a two-top. I really wonder about who would sit in that place, looking the way it did. Turned out to be a good check, and they left me a couple bucks over. And we all just sat for two hours because we couldn't find the spirit to go on. Till the husband came back. I set the tables, my trainee walked around, but she wouldn't take any more tables. I had four. I think it broke her, don't think I'll see her again. So much for evening shifts and days off. Actually, I'm still going to take a day off. I need it.

I am really tired, salty, and stinky. My wonderful plans for becomming king of the restuarant are set back a bit. But basic training was worse; atleast I can drink if I feel like it, and I don't have to do push-ups. I am not worried about my soulmate, my two female friends, my job, or my boat. I made it through the day, and I am still sucking air. Ready to go to sleep and do it again tommorow.

The owners now have a letter of intent to purchase, and I'm going with my friend again tomorrow to dance to live reggae. Life goes on whether I am angry or not. Things go smoother, and I enjoy it more though, when I don't induldge my anger. It is a choice.

A little o dis, a little o dat...

I absolutely love these ad's that are appearing on my blog. I think they are computer generated by some AI program. Hillarious... I mention my army blanket and get a page full of blankets. Really what I would prefer is links to places where you can find. buy, or read more about, the books, music, quotes, science, that I mention. That would be meaningful and useful. If I were blogging on a real computer in the comfort of my cabin, I would make it so. But because I'm blogging via my phone, usually at the beach at night, I'm afraid we're just going to have to enjoy what Google provides... for now anyway.

Here on Miami Beach, there are a lot of people on vacation. They are happy to be care-free. This has a ripple effect where in general, people are happy and accepting. In non-vacation destination cities, people are more frugal, judgemental, and concerned about what the guy on the street is doing... just a footnote about the culture here.

I am making progress at work. Finally there is another server on my shift. She isn't great, but she shows up more or less on time, and sort of helps with the set-up. She can hopefully become comfortable with the menu and specials enough to be effective on her own soon... actually by Monday. Because she is willing to work days, six a week, I can have one day off, and work two evening shifts. I have already done about as much as I can do on the day shift to increase our revenue, now I need to make some changes at night.

Breakfast and lunch are really small potatos compared to dinner. But it was necessary to get the day shift solid before I had the "credit" with the owners to make some changes at night. So I had today, plus two more shifts, to show her what she needs to keep making money. To her credit, she was at the restuarant for the two days that I took off. They were crappy weather days, but this morning she was not my friend. By 4:00, I think we had a working rapport. She just needs to know all the irritating little details.

There are also a lot of really attractive people here. As probably the biggest modeling center on the East coast after New York, it shouldn't be surprising. So you have a bunch of "beautiful" people, a bunch of money, a fantastic beach, and generally great weather. Let's see, as a waiter am I going to make more money here, or in Newnan? Doesn't take much thought. If my goal in life is to live on a sailboat, should I be here, or in Newnan? Ditto. The only real reason not to come here was the prevalence of cocaine, something I have had a bad relationship with in the past. Now, I am pretty confident in saying we are divorced. And not on good terms. There will be no ex-sex, or reuniting for me and that ugly drug. I am slowly changing the habits and beliefs and thought-patterns that kept me depressed and wiping out the symptoms by artificially manipulating my brain chemistry for so long.

The days are becomming gorgeous. Clear skys and cool breezes. We are getting close to the end of hurricaine season, and the beginning of cool weather up North. That means more vacations, more money for waiters. I have the day shift competitive with the two restuarants on either side of us, and am about to make my presence felt on the dinner shift. The future's so bright, I gotta wear shades (Huey Lewis and the News...). I am not using drugs, and am not in any disfunctional relationships. Things are looking good.

I am here now, in this position, because I trusted my link to god. Because I relied on it, and allowed myself to be transformed by it. I don't take credit for anything. It is only by paying attention and believing that there is always a way for love to solve any problem that I am surviving. I'm living in my truck still, afterall. But I am happier than I have ever been, and am more confident that I am doing what I was meant to do in my whole life.

So today was ok. It's nice to have ok days sometimes.

What is enough?

Well, I still have a job. Actually, I am still the rock of the day shift. Should I be happy about that? The owners are trying like realitors to sell the restuarant, and I guess that's a good sign. I'm just a little worried that they will either never go away, or be replaced by someone worse. The devil you don't know is worse than the one you do.

It has gotten colder here at night faster than I expected. My good old army wool blankets are in storage in Newnan, and I have no way to get them. I do have a good beach towel, and an Air France blanket. Those should keep me for a couple weeks until I can afford to get to an army surplus store for a real blanket. My jeans are also in storage. I didn't really expect it to take this long to get established. But I am closing in on paying my bills on time, and a savings account is not far after that.

I am stuck in this restuarant. I am supposed to make it a good place. Once, my sponsor, a truck-driving drunk from Texas, was talking to me about people who move from one AA home-group to another. He told me that if you don't think your home-group is the best, don't take your disfunction to another group, stay where you are and make your group the best. I kind of feel the same way about this place. It is begging for someone to make it better. I know how. In fact, if the owners would get out of the way, I have no doubt that I could double their profit within a month, and beat our competition within two... maybe three, but I know I, and the two other competent people there could do it.

BUT, I don't know that what I think is supposed to happen is what is really best. We will see...

Today I got a beautiful singing, dancing flower for a birthday present from my friend. I will never throw it away.

Yesterday, on my birthday, my mother told me that someone once told her, "god's will is perfect, god's love is sufficient". In the absence of my soulmate, I am willing to try to believe and accept that. I don't believe I will ever find a love like her's, and I think I need to be more receptive to the love I get from,,, god... everyday.

I always thought monks were cool, but I never expected to become one. I just wanted a sailboat.

Does god take care of more than coffee?

I am writing early today because I have to charge my telephone through a USB cable connected to one of the liabrary's computers. I have to do this because I think Simone, the evil wife-owner took my charger. I don't know it was her, and maybe it will turn up, but I suspect she threw it away.

I think she may have done this because I walked out of the restuarant yesterday morning and didn't come back. I think I left it. I was pretty upset, and tired. Monday night I went out with two friends to see a reggae band at a local lounge. I haven't done that since I was here eight years ago. It was so great. It was doubley great because I was feeling like the one friend has been avoiding me lately. We danced until about 12:30 when they got tired. I drove, so I took them home, then I came back and danced until 3:30. Then up at 7:00 to get to work at 8:00. At about 8:30 Simone and Luke came in, she was nearly screaming that the restuarant was supposed to be open at 8:30.

In the two months I've been there, we open at 9:00. That's when the host comes, that's when the bartender has usually shown up by. I've only seen Luke there before 9:00 maybe three times, and I have never seen her there before 9:00. I was probably still slightly drunk, and feeling upset about a text interaction I had with my friend after I left the lounge. Something snapped, I smoked a cigarette, then collected my things and said I'd be back Thursday; in two days.

I left and started thinking about the text interaction. On my way back to the club the night before I texted her asking why she hasn't been talking to me. I then pretty quickly forgot I had texted. When I got back to my parking space I found a text from her saying I was being weird, and that I was bothering her. She wrote not to text back. I was drunk, I got really mad. I texted back, insulted her maturity level, I used the F word. In the morning, I looked back over the exchange, and felt like a real schmuck. I sent a couple texts trying to apologize, but the damage had been done. Between the job, the friend, the windy, grey weather, and the hangover and lack of sleep, I felt pretty crappy all day. I didn't drink, and went to bed at 7:30. Didn't get up until almost 8:00 today.

I went to the restuarant and apologized to Luke, said I would be there tomorrow at 8:00. They had the food-runner/ host and a really weak, new bartender. They were starting to get busy. Luke said he has no waiters and asked me to stay. I said no, it's my birthday. I didn't add that he has no waiters because he doesn't pay them and treats them so poorly. I left without gettinng my tips. Went and did my laundry, went back and finally got my tips. Paid my phone bill, and made it here. Right now I'm in between conversations with family.

Sometime between the laundromat and here I had a minor epiphany. Yes, I have been letting my stress level stay too elevated, and yes I have been drinking too much, adding to the stress. I have been feeling myself getting a little crazy. Crazy like starting to loosen my grip on sanity. I have been clinging, in some ways to my friends. Clinging in a drowning man kind of way.

With my friend who I blew up at, I felt like she started avoiding me after we had a discussion where I was drunk and told her about my soulmate, my celibacy, and something about still wanting sex. All of my friends know that I am pretty frank with my feelings and opinions, and that I sometimes get out there when I drink. This was the first time I had shared this side of me with this particular friend. I may have offended her. I tried to ask the next day, but she didn't respond. I still don't know what happened with her, or even if I had anything to do with it. This is where the epiphany comes in.

I was needing her like before I thought I needed my family to rescue me financially. God is taking care of me financially. I want to trust that he will also take care of me emotionally.

Some people believe that humans experience something that can be thought of as an original pain. The dukhy of suddenly being seperate from mother. That might be part of what I've talked about when I've mentioned an aloneness on a very deep level. Jesus said to love each other. Buddha said that to be happy you must live in your present experience without any desire. Without desire that the present will stay the same, or that it will change. Just as my experience of having almost nothing has taught me that I will always have what I need, perhaps my experiences with my soulmate, and subsequent female friends is teaching me that I will always have love. And I remember that the love you take is equal to the love you make (Beatles).

So we will see. My friend is already as perfect as you or I. I don't need anything from her, but I do really like her friendship. I owe her amends for being a drunk jerk, and for expecting that she give me something that really comes from me; acceptance and love.

My friend just now texted me happy birthday. Maybe I'm on the right track?....

Be happy

Life goes on. Feel a little ashamed to presume to translate Jesus. Read him for yourself. Don't think I need to post a reference. Really like the books of John and Mathew. Will catch you up soon. Don't worry...

Something Jesus did...

Saturday 02 oct 2010

I have recently been scolded for giving too many discounts, making the discounts on checks myself, not keeping music playing, and not being on the sidewalk trying to get customers in every spare moment. I feel better. I don't like bad people liking me too much.

My friend who let's me stay in her parking spot today had it out with the husband owner. They have essentially fired her after treating her as badly as, maybe worse, than they treat everyone. She came in and confronted him, in french, for about 20 minutes. I enjoyed it, until I was asked if I thought a co-worker used cocaine at work. Yes, I answered honestly. And no, I don't know it for sure. Just like I don't know the maintenance guy is stealing them blind. But would I bet my last dollar on it? Yup.

The owners asked me again later, after my friend left, I didn't change my story, and the coworker tried to start a conversation about it later. I will tell him what I think to his face, but not at the end of eight long hours when he was 20 minutes late.

Sunday 03 oct

I got interrupted last night by Scott and a zombie flash mob on lincoln road. It seems a lot of people don't know what a flash mob is. It"s a gathering of people connected by the information telecommunication highway; cell phones, email, text, facebook, who spontaneously gather in random places. Last night they were all dressed as zombies and they met at 8:30 at 420 Lincoln road, Miami Beach, FL. There were about 200-300, and I don't know how they all got the message.

Scott had the good camera, but I got a couple shots. I need to start carrying my digital instamatic. After he processes his material, I will post a link.

I think the concept started in NYC. They would have spontaneous parties on a specific subwayline, departing from a specific location at a specific time. A friend says the zombie flash mobs originated in San Diego a few years ago.

So tonight, the restuarant had no waiters. The only stable waiter, the coke-guy, took the day off, and the three trainees who worked last night excused themselves from working. Of course they asked me to work, and I took pleasure in saying I could not, and in leaving as fast as I could.

....

I just walked by the restuarant, and there is a friend of their's waiting tables, who has worked for them before. I think they got what they deserve tonight. They just fired a very good server solely because she is black (mixed race) and they treat their staff so badly that no one but the most desperate will stay.

I learned a little more about coke-guy. He is a squatter in an apartment in bankruptcy proceedings. Not a bad idea. Maybe he is just crazy, like me? We will see...

I resolved something over the last 24 hours. Both of my wives, my one significant other who I never married, and my mixed-race french friend have all been disappointed with me for not "sticking up" for them... lack of a better term. I can recount incidents with each where they expected me to be something contrary to my nature. How do I call her? MRFF? How about Marie? Marie was pissed, disappointed that I didn't tell the owner, Luke, that Simon, the coke-head sqiatter, was indeed a drug-freak. Everyone knows it.

Marie wouldn't see me for almost a day, even though she let me stay and make coffee this morning. Today, when I let the restuarant be short-staffed; let Luke panic a little, she forgave me. We actually forgave each other by text last night, but today, after work, we were ourselves together again. Friends. I couldn't follow the 20 minutes of French, quickly spoken at times, well enough to introject my "wisdom", but I showed my colors today by leaving Luke and his wife, let's call her Simone, because she's freaking nuts, to sleep in the bed that they have made.

I am having friendship incidents with my two other significant friends here in Sofi Sobe today as well. Today seems to be about boundaries. We all live our own lives. We each have our own pain that we have to experience (I believe, because we agreed to it before birth). But we also have eachother that we can share with, and thereby reduce our suffering. Remember that pain is mandatory, but suffering is optional.

I'm going to go out on a limb here, and humbly translate something Jesus did. This was a man who found God. He became a conduit on earth for the divine movement. Buddha did something similar. But there's a difference. Jesus suffered. He suffered a lot. Buddha experienced. Read Herman Hesse's Siddartha. Both of them tell us that if we let go and let god, every little thing gonna be alright. I can't live my friends' pain for them... I have my own. We each have to come to terms with our own lives.

BUT, we have each other to love and make this life a little easier. You make my life easier by reading these rambling thoughts. Love the one you're with!