The end

I feel a little guilty for not posting lately, I'm just beginning to bore myself. I don't have a lot to say except thank you. I have a warm place to stay, a good job... I'm healthy, I have friends and family. Work has been crazy this weekend, and while I'm not making mad money, I can just about pay my rent and bills on time and I've been able to stay ok through the craziness of the first wave of season.

Its the day after christmas and I'm about to enjoy some grilled conch (pronounced conk) at a cool jamacain place a couple blocks from my house (hee hee hee). It is supposed to get down to 39 tonight, and with the wind, it is cold. Relatively. But if you don't have four walls and a roof...

I'm not a very big fan of christmas. Usually I do my best to ignore it until it goes away. This year was easy. The only real reminders were lights and the occasional "merry christmas". I sent one card, and that was about enough. I'm sorry the card wasn't to you, but I only have so much christmas spirit, and I spent it on the one I would've felt really guilty if I hadn't.

So I'm thinking about stopping this blog. I started it with the intention of chronicling my experiences of homelessness until I got on my boat. Well, I sort of crapped out and took a shared apartment. Now I'm not struggling too much, and am about to start saving for the boat. I am still doing my best to live the good buddhist life, but if you do it right, I think, it is pretty boring. You just live and give thanks. Who wants to read about that?

My roommate is always on the verge of self-destructing. She has a decent place to work, but she is a professional, and the people she works with aren't. Consequently, they hate her, and since they share tips, she isn't making much money. If it wasn't that, it would probably be something else. I love her, and I am thankful to understand that I don't have to be crazy just because the world around me is. So I am saving my money and being the best friend I can be without telling anyone what to do.

I'm loving this restuarant. I have to go to jamaica. I have to get to the carribean on my boat. And once I get there, I doubt I will ever come back. Just found out they are out of conch. Bummer. This has been a busy weekend. When I came in, they said I could have one of three or four dishes. Down to two or three now. I'm going for the poached fish.

My soulmate is still not in my life, but maybe she will be before I leave. Life is short. I'm not waiting for her, she wouldn't want me to. But god is managing my life, thank you, I fired the last manager I had... uh, yes, that would be me; I was incompetent for the job.

When season kicks in... that's what people in the wrong job are saying now. Season kicked in about two weeks ago, and I am in the right place at the right time. Thank you. I think I remember saying this would happen...

So I have a really good life; I have enough. I don't needs anything I haven't got. I am not special. Anyone reading this blog can have the same peace of mind that I have. I doubt you would want my life, I don't really have anything. But I have peace. And that is something that most people I know don't have. And that is the most curious thing to me, because we all create our own problems. We literally create them. And if you stop wanting, stop desiring things, your problems go away pretty fast. Thank you.

I don't know when I will post again. Please email me if you want to talk, I can never have enough friends or family. When I get my boat I will start another blog because that will be the next chapter. Better pictures in the next one, I promise. Maybe I will change my mind, but I doubt it. My life is blessedly, peacefully, boring. Thank you.

I started this blog with a prayer, and I guess I should finish with one.

Thank you father for giving me the words and the experiences to help those who have benefited from this blog. Please let it be that those who need will find. Please take away from me, my the burden of self. Guide me through my thoughts and feelings to do your will instinctively. Let me be an instrument of your peace, fill my heart with your love so that I can give it to all that I meet. Let all of my thoughts and actions be for the good of all, according to the free will of all, and so must it be. Thank you.

Why I write.

I'm still adjusting, and my roommate is being very patient with me. I have lived alone for the last five years, and for the last four months, I've slept outdoors. So when I come home from work and there are people in "my" space, and animals, and noise, and I can't seem to find anywhere quiet, and I can't leave because I need to lend emotional support, it just all gets to be a little much.

So what do I do? I wait. I can't get the peace to collect my thoughts to write, so I don't write. Finally, it is quiet. I have talked with her and told her what I experienced tonight, and even though she's ready to go to sleep, she says "write your blog, go find your peace, do what you need". That's why I love her. She calls me a child even though I'm seven years older. But she has kids...

Anyway...

Over and over I notice that I learn things when I don't assume that I'm right. That may sound like a no-brainer, but it is so in-grained in human nature to believe that you are right, I don't think most people give it two thoughts. Most of the time anyway.

Me, I keep it in my head that I might be wrong. I started this habit out of a desire to avoid embarrasment. After I would get upset with serious conviction, later, after I calmed down and thought about it, and opened my mind to the other person's viewpoint, and realized that even though I was right within my own view of reality, the other person saw things differently, and they were actually equally right within their own view of reality, and who is to say, really, who's reality is more right? So I would have to appologize, because I recognized that I didn't understand the basis of their position. And really, aren't you better off understanding not only yourself, but someone else too? And isn't it better to create peace by humbling yourself with a better understanding of them so that they can try to understand you without threat of embarassment to themselves? Aren't you a better person if you can tolerate humbling yourself so love can happen than if you can't?

I have found that I have to appologize less if I keep this in mind. In fact, now when I get upset and want to rip into someone, I don't because I figure I just stumbled on to some of my own baggage.

Then the next thing is that my god never stops trying to bring me to him. If there is something seperating us, he keeps throwing it in my face until I deal with it and let it go. Atleast that is what I believe is happening. Why else would I keep running into the same problems with different people?

And the cool thing is that my god creates the situations in my life to help me figure this stuff out as I go. I met my roommate at exactly the right time in exactly the right way. I remember freaking out because I thought she got fired, then she came back and I said we have to exchange phone numbers so we don't lose each other. And she got fired again, and we stayed in touch, and here we are. We are together because we both have really good things to learn from each other. That's how it works. All the time. You just have to be patient and watch the coincidences in your life, pay attention to your heart, and do what it tells you, without second guessing. God loves us all the same. I don't care how you conceptuallize god. I don't care what you call him, whether you talk to him or not. IT is bigger than me, and bigger than you. IT IS, and will always be. Actually, time, the concept of "always", is probably one more of our misunderstandings.

Whatever is the truth, the truth wants us all to know it. Start by considering that there is something bigger than "I", and pretend that by letting go of I, you will become bigger.

So dude, I am so upset that I missed the 400 year coincidence of the winter solstice and an eclipse of the moon. I can't tell you how happy I am that we've passed another winter solstice. I am living in a place now where it doesn't really get that cold, but still I don't like the short days. I didn't want to get up at 3 am anyway, I had to work, and really, who cares? If I had grandchildren, would they care that I witnesses it? No, I think they would be more impressed by me telling them what it was like when we thought people were less because of their skin color or sexual preference or by what name they called god.

So what does all of this have to do with my boat or being homeless? Absolutely nothing. Life is a one-time ride. You live and learn the most that you can every day because you don't get to do it again. I write because I'm pretty sure that if I come back, I won't immediately know what I know now. And as you get older, the words, "If I'd known then what I know now" become more and more poignant.

I like being alone. My thoughts become clearer when I am alone. I like being with others. I understand life better when I understand others, and myself through them. I hope my life has had some value, and I hope that by writing what I have come to understand I will help someone else learn a little more than I have been able to learn.

I think that's what children are for... to pass on and help them do better. I didn't get to have children, and man, I don't want them now, so I write.

December in miami beach

I walked out of my apartment tonight, I love saying that, and saw a beetle walking across the sidewalk. I think it was god, and I imagined him curling up in a warm spot in the dirt under some leaves. That's how I know I had a good day.

Tonight one of my roommate's friends came to visit. He's our age, and even though I have liked him since I met him, five or six visits and a couple months ago, he loves to talk... about not much... and I've gotten so I kind of have preferred to sit outside and enjoy the quiet when he is there. Tonight, he was there when I got home, so I joined their conversation while I had a couple glasses of wine to relax. As we talked, I discovered he was tested positive in 1990. I thought he was mildly schzophrenic, maybe he is, but suddenly he was a different person to me. We talked more, and I told him about some of my past (that I still don't know you well enough to tell), and he became much less schzophrenic to me and much more... something.

We were talking about how miami beach is superficial. They were down on it, saying in other places there was more to do, and people cared less about appearances. That you were less alone in other places. I argued that you are always alone, and if you can count your truly good friends on more than one hand, you are lucky. I said that miami beach is unusual, but before I could start to talk about how easily friendships are made and lost here, they went on with the conversation.

I had to leave (miami beach), and get myself alone before I could come back, being comfortable alone, and really enjoy this place. It is superficial, in the extreme. And it is also a beautiful place. I was walking tonight and think I may have found another holy spot. I was walking and suddenly began feeling that same loud peacefulness that I found on 3rd and meridian. I started to wonder if miami beach is full of these spots...

So I told my friend's friend that I would be his friend in the real sense of the word. He was like, ok, yeah, great. He doesn't know... but I think he is real, for lack of a better word. I love real people, and I hang on to them as best I can. It does take two though, so we will see.

I went to work this morning. I was busy, but not too busy. I was able to give really good service to almost all of my tables, and while I didn't make mad money, I walked with enough. And I was happy. My roommate had a slightly less difficult day, and tonight she still had a job, so I am happy about that too. I am off tomorrow, woohoo! And I work six days after that. Yea! I always get what I need. So does everyone I know.

I'm close to going for pizza, but have to touch base with my lovely israeli bartender friend first. When I walked out of the apartment, my apartment, (smile), and saw the beetle,  I remembered the zen expression about seeing god in a blade of grass. I saw god again, without the use of chemicals, and when that happens, it's a good day in my book.

Calm seas and the wind at your back. Don't let go of your real friends, and don't step on beetles.

Warm and dry is good

Just getting over a head cold. Its very nice to have a place to stay indoors when you're sick and its raining and cold.

Over the last week, I've noticed my postings getting negative. Or atleast me getting resentful when I write. My last posting got stuck in my outbox so it never posted, and I was glad. So even though my intention is to be honest in this blog, I found that there was some yucky stuff clinging to the edges of my thoughts that seemed to be increased by writing. When I was younger, I journalled. I stopped when I realized my writing was really just a place to vent and complain. I was able to put those things away without really dealing with them. Also my girlfriends tended to find and read my journals, so I just stopped writing.

This blog wasn't supposed to be a journal. It was supposed to be a record of my thoughts and experiences that came as the result of my decision to be homeless so I could stay in miami beach and eventually get a boat. So what has happened over the last few days?

I haven't gotten my boat yet... I have been continuing to adjust to paying rent for an apartment, and sharing someone else's space. I am still a little disappointed that I am paying rent. And I am glad to be inside when it is cold, and when I am sick. I like not having to worry about where I will spend my off time, or where I will shower. I did choose to give up my homelessness, but not because it beat me.

I have a very good friend who is benefiting from us living together. I am benefiting from us living together. I think if I had stayed in the truck it would not have been the best choice. I believe you have to look at what you are given, as honestly as possible, and act according to your inner voice. Your god inside. So even though part of me is saying I took a step back, away from the boat, another part of me remembers that I don't know everything that is happening, that god knows what I need before I do, and I will get to live on my boat exactly when god says it's time, not before. Still my human nature, my child keeps asking when will it be time? I bought a lottery ticket but didn't win. Not time yet.

Yesterday my roommate came home very upset from work. She has gotten into a conflict with her manager. She vents to me. One of my feelings is fear that she will lose this job, then she won't be able to find another, she will have to go back to paris, and I will have to find somewhere to live or stay in my truck again. Fear is removed by faith. Fear comes from attachment. I listen, let her know I am on her side, even get up in the middle of the night to listen some more. This morning she's nervous, not angry. She goes to work.

Yesterday it rained and I was sick, so when the manager asked for volunteers to leave early, I left. I made $14 on a Saturday. But I came home, ate, slept, stayed warm and dry, and today I feel on the upswing with the head cold. Washing clothes, polished shoes, reminding myself that all that really matters is that I clean the yucky stuff off my thoughts, and keep being a good waiter and as good a friend as I can be. I will not be hungry, I will have all that I need and some of what I want.

In case there is any misunderstanding, my roommate doesn't use drugs. The dealer came unannounced, and he left quickly. We are both trying to make a life. Looking for something beyond artificial. There are always bumps in life, but right now, nothing more than pebbles in the road. I like having a friend who I help take care of, and who helps take care of me, without any of the wierdness that comes when you are intimate. I miss it, but having experience the real thing, I don't want to disappoint myself with anything less. My friend is my friend, my soulmate is my lover. Big difference.

As they say in AA, trudging the happy road to destiny...

Drugs

People use drugs of all different types for all sorts of different reasons. I'm sure no expert, but I do know my experience, and I have spent a lot of time, money, and my family's money figuring out why I used them.

Last night when the dealer was in our apartment I had absolutely no desire. I am really happy about that. Something has changed in my relationship to myself, and I think it has to do with a change in my relationship with my higher power. I call it god because the word has only one syllable, three letters, and if you reverse them you get dog; the closest things to angels on earth that I've found.

In the last six months, and especially the first three months of that period, my relationship with god changed. I decided to stay in miami beach and live in my truck on 28 july 2010. For the next three months I was never hungry. One time I had to ask my family for help, and both my parents sent money. Every other day I had enough. I came to trust that I would always have enough. That is big for me.

I think maybe we all have themes that run through our lives. I have certainly always had issues with money. Or more specifically, worrying about having enough. And I always looked outside myself for my sustinence. My experiences this last summer somehow allowed me to let go of that anxiety. I still worry, but I am not affraid.

This conflict I've been having with my roommate/friend about how much I drink I think, is a vehicle for working out something else for both of us. I don't know what it means to her, but for me it is about reaffirming that trust. Maybe. I won't be different to please someone else ever again. I don't have to. I will always be taken care of.

And also I have an obligation to love, to not act from selfish motives, and to allow things to unfold as they will without me trying to control them. My emotions don't overwhelm me anymore. I don't have to kill them with psychoactive substances. And everything really will be okay.

I don't know what will happen with my friend, or with me living here. I don't know what will happen with my boat or with my soulmate. But I do know that everything will be okay. I know that I am doing the best that I can to do what my understanding of god wants me to do, and I know that I and my understanding are no where near perfect. And, I think this is what life is supposed to be; a chance to struggle to understand. A chance to try to be good.

On and on

I told you things don't stay peaceful for very long, right? I am waiting for my friend to come back from the store. She rented a movie last night and put it on today. She fell asleep before it was over. I watched until the end.

I have decided that not only do I not like tv or the news, I'm not going to watch movies anymore either. Those who know me know this is a little extreme. After the movie was over though, I was full of emotions that weren't mine. I am reminding myself now a little bit of the crazy people who think dancing is evil. I will never go that far, I love to dance, especially to reggae music. They seem to think emotion is bad. I don't. I think emotion is good. It is the stuff of life. But emotion that comes from tv, movies, even books maybe, is not your own emotion.

I like the emotions that come to me from the people and situations in my life. When I finished watching that movie, I felt old and tired. I felt like I needed to shoot up something to take me away from my weiriness. (Spelling?). And I will never do that again.

So, I suddenly realized that I have a good life. Good emotions come to me as I live my life. Bad emotions, self-destructive emotions come to me when I allow myself to receive them vicariously.

So my friend texted me again that she doesn't want any alcohol in the house. I texted back thanks for the movie. As I was comming home I ran into her on the sidewalk. She said I left the tv on and it woke her up. Actually, I turned the tv way down, and when I left billy was upset, and he woke her up. Doesn't matter, really.

I will not live with someone who dictates anything about how I live my life, ever again. I won't talk to anyone who does the same. And also, I will not freak out because my friend freaks out. When she comes back I will apologize, tell her I will not stop drinking, and ask her if I have to leave tonight.

It would be much better for me to not pay rent, and also I am here because god put me here. I pray now to do what is god's will. The highest good, even if I don't understand it.

It is windy and cold outside. The forecast calls for a low in the mid-30's. Fortunately I have enough money for a hostel bed for a few nights, and it is supposed to get warmer by freiday.

....

My friend came home. She tells me I am like a teen-ager, I do what I want when I want. I say yes, so what? Who am I supposed to answer to? My friend? My father? My grandmother? Or my higher power?

Funny thing happened. As we were having our discussion, a drug dealer came by. I had $500 in my pocket, he probably had an eightball in his pocket. I bet I could find a needle somewhere... I will never do that again.

We go on.

Nothing new...

Its about to get cold again. I have worn shorts for the last two days, but tomorrow night the temperature is supposed to touch the 30's.

I cooked a pork chop and corn on the cob tonight. Food you cook yourself just tastes so much better than food cooked by someone who does it for money.

I'm relaxing indoors with my friend, listening to the wind outside. Billy the jack russel is chewing quietly on a rawhide twist, bikini the cat seems to be past her esterus. She is back to randomly attacking billy, and is no longer soliciting his attention.

Life is quiet for the moment.

I like it when everything is fine. Something is sure to throw things out of balance soon. That's the nature of life. Then we will adjust, and homeostasis will return. It never ends. Until it ends.

I can't think of anything interesting to say tonight. Nothing is perfect, but life is generally good. I'm just continuing to paddle.

Don't steal. Anything. Ever.

I am in south beach to make money. I am on this planet at this time to try to do good. I am living in my friend's apartment because we have something(s) to learn from each other. Atleast this is what I tell myself.

For a waiter, south beach in season is one of the best places in the country to be. I sweated out four months of homelessnes in restuarant hell because I knew if I could stay here I would make money. I made it through the worst physically. Now I live in an apartment, I have a job at a very good place, and I still have my sanity, I think... atleast as much as I ever did.

I had a day off yesterday. I was up at 7:30, did laundry, went to the hardware store to get a part to fix the kitchen light. Went to the library, had two good walks, and a nap. I even cooked last night. All in all, a good day. On one of my walks I was at the marina, looking into the water. It was a clear bluegreen, I could see coral, an angel fish, and a parrot fish. I was reminded that I'm not there yet. I want to be on a boat, on the water, eating fish that I speared myself less than two hours before I take the first bite. I will get there.

South beach is populated by mostly children. They want to look good, see and be seen. It makes for great people watching. If I could take pictures while I worked, I'd have many interesting ones to share. And sometimes it gets tiring. But there are also wise people here. My first table today was a guy, probably around 75, who moved here permanently from pittsburg in '68. His family were servers here starting in the '20's. It was very cool talking to him. Then I had a bunch of self-absorbed, but for the most part cool, people. I walked with a buck on a very slow Saturday. All my money this weekend goes toward rent.

There's another guy who lifts my spirits. This old, skinny homeless black guy with a big white beard who wears white socks with flip-flops and likes to smoke cigars. I used to run into him at the laundromat, now I see him at the library, and occasionally walking on lincoln road. I don't know if his brain works very well, but one day, a couple months ago, he looked me in the eye with recognition, and said hi. That's about all we've talked, but there was a meeting of kindred spirits that bouys me everytime I see him now.

I am still in the canoe with god. The paddeling I am doing now is more about paying attention to everything I do, as if I were doing it for him. When I set up in the morning, I wonder which table he will sit at today. Because I know he will visit me, and he will probably be my most difficult customer of the day. My god definitely has a sense of humor, and loves to challenge me.

I don't know how long I'm going to stay in this apartment. Maybe just through the worst of the winter. I told my friend I would help her stay, and to me that means staying until she is stable. I really don't like paying rent, and sharing her life is a little difficult for me. She is a normal human being. She is a little crazy. Lately, I have to remind myself that I don't have to run away from her craziness, that maybe I am supposed to show her one or two things that I've learned. And maybe in doing so, I will learn some more.

I had a therapist once who said, with a bit of sarcasm, that I avoid relationships because they're "messy". Well, I guess it's true. I don't like other people's shit. In the past, I've pretty much just let them have whatever they wanted and put some distance between them and me. Now, maybe I'm willing to tolerate a little messiness. But when you start being mean to dogs I don't have much patience. In fact, I really just want to go back to my friends house right now and slap her like she slapped billy for no reason. But I'm not going to. If she does it again... when she does it again... this is when you have to take a step back.

I had another therapist once, who talked about "wolf learning". Where you don't respond to the act, but you respond to the thought that is in the right direction after the thought behind the act. You respond in a way that is understood when you learn. Follow? So I don't need to respond to the slap, but to the jealousy and resentment that is behind the slap. I encourage them to bond. Or, I could just move out and let one more crazy person continue being crazy.

I want to be on my boat, staring at the full moon like a lover, tanning in the light of the stars 100 miles offshore, eating fish that were alive two hours ago. I want to be alone in a way that makes you feel when I am comming. And I want to die believing that I contributed somehow. Is that so much to ask? I figure about ten grand gets me there. I should be much closer come spring.

Cool breezes, clear skys, calm seas, and the wind at my back...

I took some pictures yesterday with my camera, but my friend slapped billy before I could think about transferring them from camera to computer to phone. I'll get this worked out. Still curse the guys who stole my nikon digital slr. Don't steal. Anything, ever.

Award winning reporting

I just read a couple articles in the new york times and was very quickly reminded why I don't watch or read the news.

First I read about how a repeal of the don't ask don't tell policy for gays in the military failed to pass. I suppose that we are legislating equality is a good thing. Isn't that what the constitution was supposed to have laid out 200 years ago? But we had to make another law saying women are also equal, and another saying blacks are also equal. Now we seem to be trying to decide if homosexuals are also equal... all white heterosexual presbryterian men are equal, everyone else I guess we take on a case by case basis.

Then I read about the wikileaks hooha. Turns out the sexual crimes the founder has been arrested for is that he stopped using a condom... I also read that paypal and mastercard stopped processing payments to wikileaks. The former because it doesn't support illegal activities, and the later apparently had no comment. Now, I'm old enough to be able to read between a couple lines, and something really stinks here. What makes my mind melt though is that I really have no way of knowing what is the truth, therefore I can't form an informed opinion, and even if I could, what would I do with it?

The guy I met last night said this is a nation of stupid people. Not as politically correct as saying it is like an ocean liner that takes time to change course, but essentially the same thing. It makes me sick to read and watch obviously slanted reporting because I know there are a lot of people who believe what they see and read.

So now that I have read the news, I think I will stop reading the news. How this guy in sweden fares, and whether the french ambassador really does have the clap, have no bearing whatsoever on the service I will give to my tables tomorrow. Actually Saturday, I have an undesired, but much appreciated day off tomorrow. And as far as whether or not homosexuals deserve the same rights that I take for granted, well that just infuriates me that anyone could think they don't.

What is ambiguous about "all men are created equal"? What is so @!?#'ing hard to understand about the idea that you are no more and no less than any living being in this universe? EQUAL. It is simple.

So until someone tells me they will give me a boat if I read the news, I'm not reading the news. And I will be working on getting my boat, getting ready to have my boat, until that day arrives.

I'm so happy. I am living indoors, with a good job, on miami beach, with no one to say they won't live on a boat with me. All I lack is the boat, but I know it is at this moment speeding toward me like a runaway train. Clear skies, cool breezes, calm seas, and the wind at my back. Sounds pretty good...

Always choices

I'm still having phone issues. It won't keep a charge, so I don't carry it to work, and when I'm not working it's dark, and the phone has no flash. I have a camera with a flash, but to attach photos to a post, I would have to upload from camera to laptop, then download to phone. And I'm not even sure I can do that. It bumms me out that I'm not posting cool new pictures, but that will come. Rent comes first.

My friend and I discussed my drinking some more, and I think we've negotiated an understanding; I can drink in the apartment, just not all the time. I have been drinking a little too much anyway, so I think everything is copesetic in that area for now.

Last night I finally did make my first homemade caesar salad with grilled chicken and fresh tomato in about five months. It was really good. Had some decent white wine with it too.

I also met a guy living on a 28 foot sailboat. He got the money to buy it from BP. My boat is going to come fast like that too, I just don't know how it will happen. I will have the boat when god let's me have it. The guy told me that when you're 100 miles off shore at night the sky is incredible. "As bright as day" is what he said. He also told me that if I wonder if I should reef my sail, do it. I've heard this before, and since he felt compelled to tell me in what was no more than an hour conversation, I think I will keep it in mind.

There is patience minute to minute and day to day. There is also patience that you hold week to week and month to month. And by patience, I am talking about knowing god will provide everything you need, and waiting for it. God knows what I need before I do. He feeds me, gives me a place to stay before it gets cold, a job, people who he wants me to make good with, and he will give me a boat when it is time.

It's raining this morning, but getting warmer. I have about ten minutes before I have to get ready to go to work. I've done the dishes, figured out the problem with the kitchen light, and I still have to take out the trash. Three weeks ago I didn't have these "problems". Each of us chooses, and our choices become our past and create our future.

As the guy living on his 28 foot sailboat said to me, may you have calm seas and the wind at your back.

No worries... still

Anyone who knows me knows I am pretty independent, and that is an understatement. Today my roommate texted me that she didn't want me to bring alcohol to the apartment anymore. Ok. Did I do something? No.

So I went to work and decided not to worry about it. When I came home, I asked her about it. She thinks I drink too much. No, my behavior doesn't bother her, but one or two with dinner is enough. And besides you can't drink on a boat because it slows your reflexes...

I don't know if she has had bad experiences with alcoholics. I suspect she has, but she's never said anything. I didn't ask. It's her apartment, I respect her feelings, but how much I drink, and when, is my decision.

Knowing that I get aggressive when someone tries to change me, I decided to exercise restraint of tongue and thought. All sorts of scenarios go through my head, and I let them go. My imagination can be useful for managing emotions, and it can also magnify them if I let it go without restraint.

I will say just once that it makes me angry. What makes her think she has any place saying anything about my life? Ok, maybe "mark you're my friend and I care and I think you drink too much", but not "I don't want you to bring alcohol here, it's too much for me". Whatever. Maybe I should just od on sleeping pills.

When people get angry, men in particular, it is because of a percieved threat, and is usually a response to fear. I could fear not being able to enjoy a bottle of wine on the porch after work. I could fear having to give up my roof and bed and sleep in my truck again in the middle of winter. I could just fear losing my independence, and by consequence, my boat.

I'm not going to lose my boat. I don't mind sleeping in my truck, and I'm sure if it came to that I wouldn't be there for very long. Not being able to enjoy wine though, sucks. I like to drink after work in my home. Does that mean I have a drinking problem because I don't want to stop drinking to keep my apartment? Or does it mean that I am hyper-alert to women trying to control me? Why has every woman but one whom I've been with been dissatisfied with me and needed me to change somehow? And I'm not even involved with my friend! She's just a friend.

I don't know if this is how she shows her affection, if she has had a bad experience with men who drink, or if she just likes to control her environment. I just don't see myself being happy though paying rent to live somewhere where I can't live the way I want to. And no, I am not offensive when I drink. I rarely drink to excess, and when I drink I tend to be outwardly more happy and engaging though maybe less substantial.

Oh, and most of the people who I've known who live on boats drink a lot.

So, never a dull moment. Thank god everything is not going swimmingly, because then I would worry about the next shoe. If I have to live in my truck some more, fine. No worries. Even in winter god loves me and will take care of me. And maybe this can turn into a learning experience for both of us. I don't intend to freak out.

Things are much simpler when you have no friends. No close friends in your immediate life anyway. But god brought us together, and I will play it out to the end. I love her, and I am my own person. I don't have an agenda, other than getting on to my boat. I can go to happy hour and skip wine for awhile, but there is nothing wrong with me living my life the way I want to, and everything is wrong with me changing my life to suit someone else. Screw sacrifice, we're not married.

I am pleased that I didn't use the f-word anywhere in this posting. That's normally my first response to people trying to control me. I have no doubt that this will work out for the best. Stay tuned...

Spooning

It's the simple things that really matter, right? Tonight I had brie for the first time in months. Why? Because brie has to be melted to be enjoyed properly, and I've had no stove or microwave.

It has actually gotten cold here. Not by Minnesota standards, but 39 degrees is cold according to most people. That's the foreecasted low tonight. Today wasn't bad. It was actually kind of nice. In the shade it was chilly, so you wanted to wear a sweater or go inside. Inside people were eating, and it was warm, so you got that cozy winter feel, but the thin skinned among us could still sit in the sun and be warm.

Tonight the wind is strong. I went to the store for bread and brie and was cold, and thankful that I have a sheltered place to stay. This is the sort of night that makes you want to spoon with someone and drink hot chocolate. It rained last night and I walked by a homeless guy. I know now what it feels like to know that the night is going to be long and uncomfortable, and even though my heart reached out to him, I didn't.

Why? Because I can't really help. If a friend called me last night and said he needed a place to sleep, I would have invited him over and pulled out the air matress. But I didn't know this guy, and he didn't ask me for help. In fact, he was eating some take out in the lee of the walgreens building. Pretty smart. Walgreens is open 24 hours. He won't have to leave unless someone calls the cops, and no one is going to do that on a cold rainy night.

I was homeless by choice. And while I know that others may not have chosen that life, I know that the experience brought me closer to my higher power. I came to better know who I am and why I am here because I let god take care of me for four months. I didn't ask any one to take care of me, and I was taken care of. Does this make me more of a republican? I hope not. People can have bad breaks and crappy luck. There should be resources in a civilized society to help those who are willing to work be able to feed themselves. And if one isn't willing to work, there should still be basic facilities for hygene and medicine so others don't have to suffer from one person's trauma.

But I am really digressing here. What I really wanted to talk about was spooning. When it gets cold out you want to have someone to come home to that will share warmth with you. And if you have a soulmate that you can't be with, you have to be happy just being warm. Sitting inside, listening to the wind blow outside, I am grateful.

We have a female cat in heat. She is driving the 4 month old male jack russel crazy. Honestly, her hormones are so strong, if I were a cat...

My friend went to sleep at 7:30. I am going to bed soon too. A comfortable bed, inside, with a nice wool, magic blanket to keep me warm through the cold winter night. And I will think about all the cold homeless people tonight. I will pray that they can find the lee side of a dry building and that they can open themselves up to some divine caretaking, some divine intervention, some divine inspiration, and that I be given the instinctual knowledge to do what I am supposed to for the good of all, according to the free will of all, and so must it be...

In the mean time, it's the little things that make the difference. Having some warm brie on a cold winter night. I hope it allows me to wake up rested and recharged, ready to walk to work and serve really good food at affordable prices to people who are willing to give a buck or two more for attentive service. And one day... a sailboat.

Clear skys, calm seas, and someone you love to spoon with on a cold winter night. :)

Warm breezes

I have two things to say tonight. First, it is so nice to spend my whole day saying thank you over and over. Second, I can't imagine what being a jack russel puppy is like.

Man, life is good. I got to drink a bottle of decent wine tonight while wearing flip-flops and a thermal shirt. I don't ever want to live through another winter. I just wish kenney could have spent this one with me. I kept telling him we would go someplace where it doesn't get cold. He got me here, but he didn't get to enjoy 70 degrees in february. God bless his soul.

The weather was lovely today. Work was great. My roommate, friend, is working her program. I am not hungry, I'm clean in every possible meaning of the word, and I am chilling on my bed, indoors, about to eat two or three Krispy Kreme donuts before I pass out. In the morning I will have coffee and cigarettes, I will do callesthenics, and run by the ocean before I go to work at noon. Life is good.

My goodness... to be a jack russel puppy... what exactly is the evolutionary benefit of running and chewing constantly, on everything, until you fall over? I think they eat mice, or rats, so maybe it just takes a lot of mice to feed a growing body? He is so HERE. EVERYWHERE. He doesn't stop untilhe drops,and he wants so much to do the right thing. He keeps comming to me when he does something to see if he gets praise or a scolding. If I can't come back as a tree, maybe I could come back as a jack russel. It takes a lot of energy to train one. Just keeping up with him is challenging.

I can't think of anything I need right now, except for a saolboat. I have been saying that for about 20 years now. 2010 is about to end. Can you believe we've lived a decade since Y2K? It just keeps going faster and faster, doesn't it? All the more reason to get a boat this year. But today was good. Thank you. Thank you for letting me live this life in this body at this time. Thank you for kenny and for billy, and for my truck and my bed.

Clear skys and warm breezes...

If you can see it, you can be it.

Wow. It is a little weird to be normal again... if you call sharing a south beach apartment with your best friend, a suicidal lesbian (who I love completely), a jack russel puppy, a cat with two kittens, and a fish... normal. In my world this is pretty good. There is love busting the seams of this apartment.

My friend is happy in her new job. This makes me happy. She SO deserves a good break. She cooked tonight... we got chicken wings, black beans and rice, plantains, and an avacado for about seven bucks. It was good. But tomorrow, I'm cooking. I haven't had a caesar with grilled chicken (all from scratch) in about six months.

The weather has turned cold. It is supposed to hit the upper 50's tonight, and it only got up to 73 today... hee hee hee... I love florida.

The picture is of Billy, the terminally hyper jack russel. He does stop nowand then, and it is so funny and sudden when he does.

So my life has become normal for a minute. I will be paying rent, paying bills, cooking, exercising... ran again today, it was good... showering every day, and generally doing normal stuff for awhile. What am I going to write about?

Well, I could talk about how not much really bothers me anymore. Boring. I could talk about what bothers the people in my life, and what I see about how they create that. Worse than boring. I could wait until something bothers me then write about it...

I'm sure there will be things to write about. Now, I am just thankful, and happy, and amused. There is almost never a dull moment here. I have to take some more pictures. Always something to look at. New York is sort of similar in it's diversity and it's ever changing facade,but that city doesn't have all it's curiosities as concentrated as they are here. South Beach is an inverted triangle, 22 blocks tall, and about seven blocks wide at the top. There are really only five main streets, and you can walk the circumference in about an hour. Yeah, I need to take some pictures.

Now that I can relax at night. Now that I don't have to think about where I will spend my off hours, I can get a little more involved with this blog. Maybe it's time to start reviewing and seeing if there is any organization that could be done. I have to do something, I'm starting to feel a bit narcissistic. Oh dear, I hope I didn't just jinx myself... I really want to be normal, and stable, and quiet and productive for a little while. I want to be like Billy in the picture for a minute...

It's winter. Season is starting. I have a great job, a safe,warm place to sleep, a really good friend, and a lot of love. Just over four months of very difficult times to get here, but I am where I knew I would be. And I am still here... imagine that.

Reset

This is Billy the jack russell. The picture is blurry because he doesn't stop moving. Ever. Billy came home last night. I missed him, and am so happy for my friend, for Billy, and for me, because he belongs here.

Yesterday morning, before 12, my friend came to my work to tell me she got a job. A great job actually, as a waitress in a cool cafe, where she doesn't need permission to work. I was happy all day. She lit up the room when she told me.

This happened one day after she was supposed to go back to paris. I went to the airport with her. Took a cab actually, because we missed the bus by 45 seconds. We talked to the ticket agent. The flight from charlotte to charles de gaul was cancelled. She could fly out at six, or the next day, or use her ticket before 8 march and pay $200. She said she wanted to stay, the next day she got a job.

I have moved in to the apartment. I settled with myself that I could continue to live in my truck, alone, and save for my boat. And as a choice, I could live in an apartment with my good friend, cook, exercise (because I can shower easily), and live a "normal" life again. And it will take a little longer to get my boat. I still want the boat, and eventually I will get it. While I save though, I will live under a roof.

So her oldest son may come back in january while he waits to go to school in september. Her youngest will stay in paris with her mother and they will both come to visit in the spring.

It's like someone pushed a reset button on life here. I cooked for us, I need more spices and some cookware. We watched a movie. This morning she woke me up at 6:30 to go for a run. My cough is better after just 20 minutes of aerobic exercise. She left for her first day of work about half an hour ago. I have to get ready in about 30 minutes. I am sitting on the porch with a cup of coffee, reflecting on how things always work out if you have the patience to wait and deal with a little uncertainty.