The end

I feel a little guilty for not posting lately, I'm just beginning to bore myself. I don't have a lot to say except thank you. I have a warm place to stay, a good job... I'm healthy, I have friends and family. Work has been crazy this weekend, and while I'm not making mad money, I can just about pay my rent and bills on time and I've been able to stay ok through the craziness of the first wave of season.

Its the day after christmas and I'm about to enjoy some grilled conch (pronounced conk) at a cool jamacain place a couple blocks from my house (hee hee hee). It is supposed to get down to 39 tonight, and with the wind, it is cold. Relatively. But if you don't have four walls and a roof...

I'm not a very big fan of christmas. Usually I do my best to ignore it until it goes away. This year was easy. The only real reminders were lights and the occasional "merry christmas". I sent one card, and that was about enough. I'm sorry the card wasn't to you, but I only have so much christmas spirit, and I spent it on the one I would've felt really guilty if I hadn't.

So I'm thinking about stopping this blog. I started it with the intention of chronicling my experiences of homelessness until I got on my boat. Well, I sort of crapped out and took a shared apartment. Now I'm not struggling too much, and am about to start saving for the boat. I am still doing my best to live the good buddhist life, but if you do it right, I think, it is pretty boring. You just live and give thanks. Who wants to read about that?

My roommate is always on the verge of self-destructing. She has a decent place to work, but she is a professional, and the people she works with aren't. Consequently, they hate her, and since they share tips, she isn't making much money. If it wasn't that, it would probably be something else. I love her, and I am thankful to understand that I don't have to be crazy just because the world around me is. So I am saving my money and being the best friend I can be without telling anyone what to do.

I'm loving this restuarant. I have to go to jamaica. I have to get to the carribean on my boat. And once I get there, I doubt I will ever come back. Just found out they are out of conch. Bummer. This has been a busy weekend. When I came in, they said I could have one of three or four dishes. Down to two or three now. I'm going for the poached fish.

My soulmate is still not in my life, but maybe she will be before I leave. Life is short. I'm not waiting for her, she wouldn't want me to. But god is managing my life, thank you, I fired the last manager I had... uh, yes, that would be me; I was incompetent for the job.

When season kicks in... that's what people in the wrong job are saying now. Season kicked in about two weeks ago, and I am in the right place at the right time. Thank you. I think I remember saying this would happen...

So I have a really good life; I have enough. I don't needs anything I haven't got. I am not special. Anyone reading this blog can have the same peace of mind that I have. I doubt you would want my life, I don't really have anything. But I have peace. And that is something that most people I know don't have. And that is the most curious thing to me, because we all create our own problems. We literally create them. And if you stop wanting, stop desiring things, your problems go away pretty fast. Thank you.

I don't know when I will post again. Please email me if you want to talk, I can never have enough friends or family. When I get my boat I will start another blog because that will be the next chapter. Better pictures in the next one, I promise. Maybe I will change my mind, but I doubt it. My life is blessedly, peacefully, boring. Thank you.

I started this blog with a prayer, and I guess I should finish with one.

Thank you father for giving me the words and the experiences to help those who have benefited from this blog. Please let it be that those who need will find. Please take away from me, my the burden of self. Guide me through my thoughts and feelings to do your will instinctively. Let me be an instrument of your peace, fill my heart with your love so that I can give it to all that I meet. Let all of my thoughts and actions be for the good of all, according to the free will of all, and so must it be. Thank you.

Why I write.

I'm still adjusting, and my roommate is being very patient with me. I have lived alone for the last five years, and for the last four months, I've slept outdoors. So when I come home from work and there are people in "my" space, and animals, and noise, and I can't seem to find anywhere quiet, and I can't leave because I need to lend emotional support, it just all gets to be a little much.

So what do I do? I wait. I can't get the peace to collect my thoughts to write, so I don't write. Finally, it is quiet. I have talked with her and told her what I experienced tonight, and even though she's ready to go to sleep, she says "write your blog, go find your peace, do what you need". That's why I love her. She calls me a child even though I'm seven years older. But she has kids...

Anyway...

Over and over I notice that I learn things when I don't assume that I'm right. That may sound like a no-brainer, but it is so in-grained in human nature to believe that you are right, I don't think most people give it two thoughts. Most of the time anyway.

Me, I keep it in my head that I might be wrong. I started this habit out of a desire to avoid embarrasment. After I would get upset with serious conviction, later, after I calmed down and thought about it, and opened my mind to the other person's viewpoint, and realized that even though I was right within my own view of reality, the other person saw things differently, and they were actually equally right within their own view of reality, and who is to say, really, who's reality is more right? So I would have to appologize, because I recognized that I didn't understand the basis of their position. And really, aren't you better off understanding not only yourself, but someone else too? And isn't it better to create peace by humbling yourself with a better understanding of them so that they can try to understand you without threat of embarassment to themselves? Aren't you a better person if you can tolerate humbling yourself so love can happen than if you can't?

I have found that I have to appologize less if I keep this in mind. In fact, now when I get upset and want to rip into someone, I don't because I figure I just stumbled on to some of my own baggage.

Then the next thing is that my god never stops trying to bring me to him. If there is something seperating us, he keeps throwing it in my face until I deal with it and let it go. Atleast that is what I believe is happening. Why else would I keep running into the same problems with different people?

And the cool thing is that my god creates the situations in my life to help me figure this stuff out as I go. I met my roommate at exactly the right time in exactly the right way. I remember freaking out because I thought she got fired, then she came back and I said we have to exchange phone numbers so we don't lose each other. And she got fired again, and we stayed in touch, and here we are. We are together because we both have really good things to learn from each other. That's how it works. All the time. You just have to be patient and watch the coincidences in your life, pay attention to your heart, and do what it tells you, without second guessing. God loves us all the same. I don't care how you conceptuallize god. I don't care what you call him, whether you talk to him or not. IT is bigger than me, and bigger than you. IT IS, and will always be. Actually, time, the concept of "always", is probably one more of our misunderstandings.

Whatever is the truth, the truth wants us all to know it. Start by considering that there is something bigger than "I", and pretend that by letting go of I, you will become bigger.

So dude, I am so upset that I missed the 400 year coincidence of the winter solstice and an eclipse of the moon. I can't tell you how happy I am that we've passed another winter solstice. I am living in a place now where it doesn't really get that cold, but still I don't like the short days. I didn't want to get up at 3 am anyway, I had to work, and really, who cares? If I had grandchildren, would they care that I witnesses it? No, I think they would be more impressed by me telling them what it was like when we thought people were less because of their skin color or sexual preference or by what name they called god.

So what does all of this have to do with my boat or being homeless? Absolutely nothing. Life is a one-time ride. You live and learn the most that you can every day because you don't get to do it again. I write because I'm pretty sure that if I come back, I won't immediately know what I know now. And as you get older, the words, "If I'd known then what I know now" become more and more poignant.

I like being alone. My thoughts become clearer when I am alone. I like being with others. I understand life better when I understand others, and myself through them. I hope my life has had some value, and I hope that by writing what I have come to understand I will help someone else learn a little more than I have been able to learn.

I think that's what children are for... to pass on and help them do better. I didn't get to have children, and man, I don't want them now, so I write.

December in miami beach

I walked out of my apartment tonight, I love saying that, and saw a beetle walking across the sidewalk. I think it was god, and I imagined him curling up in a warm spot in the dirt under some leaves. That's how I know I had a good day.

Tonight one of my roommate's friends came to visit. He's our age, and even though I have liked him since I met him, five or six visits and a couple months ago, he loves to talk... about not much... and I've gotten so I kind of have preferred to sit outside and enjoy the quiet when he is there. Tonight, he was there when I got home, so I joined their conversation while I had a couple glasses of wine to relax. As we talked, I discovered he was tested positive in 1990. I thought he was mildly schzophrenic, maybe he is, but suddenly he was a different person to me. We talked more, and I told him about some of my past (that I still don't know you well enough to tell), and he became much less schzophrenic to me and much more... something.

We were talking about how miami beach is superficial. They were down on it, saying in other places there was more to do, and people cared less about appearances. That you were less alone in other places. I argued that you are always alone, and if you can count your truly good friends on more than one hand, you are lucky. I said that miami beach is unusual, but before I could start to talk about how easily friendships are made and lost here, they went on with the conversation.

I had to leave (miami beach), and get myself alone before I could come back, being comfortable alone, and really enjoy this place. It is superficial, in the extreme. And it is also a beautiful place. I was walking tonight and think I may have found another holy spot. I was walking and suddenly began feeling that same loud peacefulness that I found on 3rd and meridian. I started to wonder if miami beach is full of these spots...

So I told my friend's friend that I would be his friend in the real sense of the word. He was like, ok, yeah, great. He doesn't know... but I think he is real, for lack of a better word. I love real people, and I hang on to them as best I can. It does take two though, so we will see.

I went to work this morning. I was busy, but not too busy. I was able to give really good service to almost all of my tables, and while I didn't make mad money, I walked with enough. And I was happy. My roommate had a slightly less difficult day, and tonight she still had a job, so I am happy about that too. I am off tomorrow, woohoo! And I work six days after that. Yea! I always get what I need. So does everyone I know.

I'm close to going for pizza, but have to touch base with my lovely israeli bartender friend first. When I walked out of the apartment, my apartment, (smile), and saw the beetle,  I remembered the zen expression about seeing god in a blade of grass. I saw god again, without the use of chemicals, and when that happens, it's a good day in my book.

Calm seas and the wind at your back. Don't let go of your real friends, and don't step on beetles.

Warm and dry is good

Just getting over a head cold. Its very nice to have a place to stay indoors when you're sick and its raining and cold.

Over the last week, I've noticed my postings getting negative. Or atleast me getting resentful when I write. My last posting got stuck in my outbox so it never posted, and I was glad. So even though my intention is to be honest in this blog, I found that there was some yucky stuff clinging to the edges of my thoughts that seemed to be increased by writing. When I was younger, I journalled. I stopped when I realized my writing was really just a place to vent and complain. I was able to put those things away without really dealing with them. Also my girlfriends tended to find and read my journals, so I just stopped writing.

This blog wasn't supposed to be a journal. It was supposed to be a record of my thoughts and experiences that came as the result of my decision to be homeless so I could stay in miami beach and eventually get a boat. So what has happened over the last few days?

I haven't gotten my boat yet... I have been continuing to adjust to paying rent for an apartment, and sharing someone else's space. I am still a little disappointed that I am paying rent. And I am glad to be inside when it is cold, and when I am sick. I like not having to worry about where I will spend my off time, or where I will shower. I did choose to give up my homelessness, but not because it beat me.

I have a very good friend who is benefiting from us living together. I am benefiting from us living together. I think if I had stayed in the truck it would not have been the best choice. I believe you have to look at what you are given, as honestly as possible, and act according to your inner voice. Your god inside. So even though part of me is saying I took a step back, away from the boat, another part of me remembers that I don't know everything that is happening, that god knows what I need before I do, and I will get to live on my boat exactly when god says it's time, not before. Still my human nature, my child keeps asking when will it be time? I bought a lottery ticket but didn't win. Not time yet.

Yesterday my roommate came home very upset from work. She has gotten into a conflict with her manager. She vents to me. One of my feelings is fear that she will lose this job, then she won't be able to find another, she will have to go back to paris, and I will have to find somewhere to live or stay in my truck again. Fear is removed by faith. Fear comes from attachment. I listen, let her know I am on her side, even get up in the middle of the night to listen some more. This morning she's nervous, not angry. She goes to work.

Yesterday it rained and I was sick, so when the manager asked for volunteers to leave early, I left. I made $14 on a Saturday. But I came home, ate, slept, stayed warm and dry, and today I feel on the upswing with the head cold. Washing clothes, polished shoes, reminding myself that all that really matters is that I clean the yucky stuff off my thoughts, and keep being a good waiter and as good a friend as I can be. I will not be hungry, I will have all that I need and some of what I want.

In case there is any misunderstanding, my roommate doesn't use drugs. The dealer came unannounced, and he left quickly. We are both trying to make a life. Looking for something beyond artificial. There are always bumps in life, but right now, nothing more than pebbles in the road. I like having a friend who I help take care of, and who helps take care of me, without any of the wierdness that comes when you are intimate. I miss it, but having experience the real thing, I don't want to disappoint myself with anything less. My friend is my friend, my soulmate is my lover. Big difference.

As they say in AA, trudging the happy road to destiny...

Drugs

People use drugs of all different types for all sorts of different reasons. I'm sure no expert, but I do know my experience, and I have spent a lot of time, money, and my family's money figuring out why I used them.

Last night when the dealer was in our apartment I had absolutely no desire. I am really happy about that. Something has changed in my relationship to myself, and I think it has to do with a change in my relationship with my higher power. I call it god because the word has only one syllable, three letters, and if you reverse them you get dog; the closest things to angels on earth that I've found.

In the last six months, and especially the first three months of that period, my relationship with god changed. I decided to stay in miami beach and live in my truck on 28 july 2010. For the next three months I was never hungry. One time I had to ask my family for help, and both my parents sent money. Every other day I had enough. I came to trust that I would always have enough. That is big for me.

I think maybe we all have themes that run through our lives. I have certainly always had issues with money. Or more specifically, worrying about having enough. And I always looked outside myself for my sustinence. My experiences this last summer somehow allowed me to let go of that anxiety. I still worry, but I am not affraid.

This conflict I've been having with my roommate/friend about how much I drink I think, is a vehicle for working out something else for both of us. I don't know what it means to her, but for me it is about reaffirming that trust. Maybe. I won't be different to please someone else ever again. I don't have to. I will always be taken care of.

And also I have an obligation to love, to not act from selfish motives, and to allow things to unfold as they will without me trying to control them. My emotions don't overwhelm me anymore. I don't have to kill them with psychoactive substances. And everything really will be okay.

I don't know what will happen with my friend, or with me living here. I don't know what will happen with my boat or with my soulmate. But I do know that everything will be okay. I know that I am doing the best that I can to do what my understanding of god wants me to do, and I know that I and my understanding are no where near perfect. And, I think this is what life is supposed to be; a chance to struggle to understand. A chance to try to be good.

On and on

I told you things don't stay peaceful for very long, right? I am waiting for my friend to come back from the store. She rented a movie last night and put it on today. She fell asleep before it was over. I watched until the end.

I have decided that not only do I not like tv or the news, I'm not going to watch movies anymore either. Those who know me know this is a little extreme. After the movie was over though, I was full of emotions that weren't mine. I am reminding myself now a little bit of the crazy people who think dancing is evil. I will never go that far, I love to dance, especially to reggae music. They seem to think emotion is bad. I don't. I think emotion is good. It is the stuff of life. But emotion that comes from tv, movies, even books maybe, is not your own emotion.

I like the emotions that come to me from the people and situations in my life. When I finished watching that movie, I felt old and tired. I felt like I needed to shoot up something to take me away from my weiriness. (Spelling?). And I will never do that again.

So, I suddenly realized that I have a good life. Good emotions come to me as I live my life. Bad emotions, self-destructive emotions come to me when I allow myself to receive them vicariously.

So my friend texted me again that she doesn't want any alcohol in the house. I texted back thanks for the movie. As I was comming home I ran into her on the sidewalk. She said I left the tv on and it woke her up. Actually, I turned the tv way down, and when I left billy was upset, and he woke her up. Doesn't matter, really.

I will not live with someone who dictates anything about how I live my life, ever again. I won't talk to anyone who does the same. And also, I will not freak out because my friend freaks out. When she comes back I will apologize, tell her I will not stop drinking, and ask her if I have to leave tonight.

It would be much better for me to not pay rent, and also I am here because god put me here. I pray now to do what is god's will. The highest good, even if I don't understand it.

It is windy and cold outside. The forecast calls for a low in the mid-30's. Fortunately I have enough money for a hostel bed for a few nights, and it is supposed to get warmer by freiday.

....

My friend came home. She tells me I am like a teen-ager, I do what I want when I want. I say yes, so what? Who am I supposed to answer to? My friend? My father? My grandmother? Or my higher power?

Funny thing happened. As we were having our discussion, a drug dealer came by. I had $500 in my pocket, he probably had an eightball in his pocket. I bet I could find a needle somewhere... I will never do that again.

We go on.

Nothing new...

Its about to get cold again. I have worn shorts for the last two days, but tomorrow night the temperature is supposed to touch the 30's.

I cooked a pork chop and corn on the cob tonight. Food you cook yourself just tastes so much better than food cooked by someone who does it for money.

I'm relaxing indoors with my friend, listening to the wind outside. Billy the jack russel is chewing quietly on a rawhide twist, bikini the cat seems to be past her esterus. She is back to randomly attacking billy, and is no longer soliciting his attention.

Life is quiet for the moment.

I like it when everything is fine. Something is sure to throw things out of balance soon. That's the nature of life. Then we will adjust, and homeostasis will return. It never ends. Until it ends.

I can't think of anything interesting to say tonight. Nothing is perfect, but life is generally good. I'm just continuing to paddle.