12 weeks

I had the day off today. I used it to pay a couple parking tickets, pick up some mail (general delivery), clean and reorganize my truck, do a couple things for a friend, read a little, and reflect on where I am and what I'm doing.

No conclusions, except to realize that I'm not tied to South Beach. I could be in Key West before dawn if I wanted to. I could be in Savannah or Charleston without too much difficulty within a day or two. It is reassuring, given the uncertainty around the restuarant right now. Season isn't far, and I have the whole state of Florida if I need to move.

I don't want to move. Not yet. I have put so much energy into carving out my niche, and I am finally able to relax a little,  I'm not anxious to go back into survival mode. And besides, I still don't have my boat. But I'm also thinking it might be easier to find a cheap boat in the Keys. And the time to move there isn't far away. Just after 01 Nov 2010 would be a fine time. I am flying to Philly for Thanksgiving to see my grandmother, but Miami International isn't that hard to get to from the Keys.

One thing I pray many times a day is that god will guide me through my thoughts and feelings to do his will instinctively. And in turn, I try to trust my thoughts and feelings. And they have gotten me this far, so I recon I will keep doing what I've been doing until it doesn't work.

Random thoughts;

I've gotten pretty skinny. I weigh less now than at the worst of my using days. I am so much happier though...

Miami Beach is like the biblical town of Babel. Atleast what I know of it, and I need to read more. Haven't read much old testament. But anyway, my point is that there are so many languages spoken here, I would have a hard time counting them. Difference is, we all speak enough English, and know how to point, that we manage to communicate and enjoy each other. Some people just want to use or be used, but there is a really nice spirituality here that comes from relating to strange people from strange lands and finding that we pretty much care about the same things.

I have been homeless for 12 weeks as of tomorrow... that's seven days times 12... 84 days... wow. Yesterday is the first time I felt a little sick. That's why I took today off. I slept 10 hours, drank lots of water, and I think I will beat it.

Just because you want to be a friend with someone, doesn't mean that they are ready to be a friend with you. And when you are as weird as me, that shouldn't be too surprising. As a corrolary, everyone has their own shit/crosses/baggage. It isn't my world. We are all struggling through it as best we can, and sometimes people I care deeply about have their own stuff to work out. They are not here for my benefit. In fact, I want to be here to benefit them. So, sometimes I have to let people I love suffer. Even though I may not understand it at the time, they are doing exactly what they need to be doing according to their own relationship with god. And if I can, I will be there when they want me to be.

I love to pee in the ocean. I return the water that I borrow to my great mother. After all, we are just ugly bags of mostly water (some of you might know who said that :)  ).

The nights are getting cooler. Today though, I received a magic blanket. Some objects are heavier than they should be. It is because they carry a connection to god. This blanket will protect me from the cold, and many other things I am sure, for a long time.

There is only one truth. It cannot be spoken. All the enlightened people of our human history have tried to bring knowledge of it in to our consciousness. I think I am learning that they've tried because to live that truth is to be free. The best I can describe it, is love. Love yourself, that will allow you to love others. Love others, that will allow you to love yourself. In fact, there is no difference.

The figurines were made by one of my guests as he sat through his lunch. He had eyes that were heavier than you normally see. Sometimes you just know when you are in the presence of someone special. He gave me a great overtip too!

It's simple, not easy.

If any one from Mama Lucia's reads this blog, I want to tell you you don't know how good you have it. My goodness, this place I am in is completely off the wall. The owners may not be quite as bad as Len and Barbara - they don't fight much, but they do screw things up whenever they feel like something needs to be done. But what makes you lucky is that Len and Barb actually care about their restuarant. These two care more about making sure no one steals from them than about making their guests happy. In fact, unless the guests are French, I don't think they give two thoughts about anyone's dining experience.

Today is a milestone for me. My phone bill is due tomorrow, and I have enough money to pay for it! I'm not going to though, yet, because I don't know if when I show up for work tomorrow the doors will be locked or open. It could be frustrating as hell that I have finally broke even, and my income could dry up at any given moment. So I am going to save everything for as long as I can with a weather eye for feeding myself. I say it could be frustrating, because I'm really not frustrated. I am happy. I know I am being taken care of. Everything will be ok.

In AA they say god will do for you what you can't do for yourself. Thing is, you have to do for yourself. Funny thing is, you don't always know what you are capable of doing for yourself. But don't worry, god will let you know... these are the lessons that you keep repeating until you learn them. This life really is an education that you enrolled in before you chose your parents. You and god sat down, reviewed your spiritual progress through all your other lives to this point, and decided what circumstances would give you the opportunity to learn the most. Actually, god is a sort of guidance counselor/teacher/lifeguard. And you can depend on her for your whole life, for everything. That's why I am here... to show you that god loves you.

No, I'm not getting any sort of savior complex. I make so many mistakes... but now I am letting anyone who will listen know about them so that, if they want, they can trust a little more. If I can do it, so can you.

Today a friend asked me when I would be getting my boat. "Whenever god let's me", was my response. And really, your other lives are happening at this moment, and all of your soulbrothers and sisters are co-existing and co-evolving at the same time you are. We evolve together. What you learn helps me. What I learn helps you. In fact, I'm pretty sure we are all expressions of the same divine existence. You and I are simply the manifestations of god's thoughts in his infinite being. We really are one. Our seperateness is an illusion, and truly, our original sin is thinking our self's, in their individualness, are real.

Now, mama lucia employees, in the morning after you read this, when you go to work and see len and barbara, I want you to remember that they are both part of you. If you can love them, you are loving yourself, and in turn, you are drawing yourself closer to god. How's that for a nice way to start your day? Atleast they speak english! And I do the same thing; I try to love the sneaky, lying, stealing, condescending owners, because they are expressions of myself.

When you dream, all of the characters are really parts of you. When you live, everyone you are in contact with are really expressions of your godself. The ones you hate are manifesting what you hate about yourself. The more you can love everyone, the more you love yourself, and reduce the seperateness between you and me and god.

I think I've said enough for tonight. Thank goodness I only have to remember going through this life once. Tomorrow is another day.

Love is all you need

A high pressure area has pushed Paula to the East. Today was clear, even hot. As the sun sets, there is a cool breeze, and the ocean is beautiful. I can see it from the restuarant where I am sitting waiting for my tips because I have no money, and they owe me $150.

Yesterday was rough. My friend who is letting me stay in her parking space still has no job, rent is due in two weeks, and her youngest son had his 13th birthday and she couldn't afford to buy him any presents. I had no money to give her, nor to buy him a present either.

My lovely Israeli bartender friend for some reason is being distant. Probably has to do with whatever made her withdraw in the first place. Probably something I said that touched some nerve, and who knows? She doesn't want to talk to me about it.

My friend Scott is out of money, stuck off the beach, and temporarily unavailable to share happy hour beers. We're still texting though.

My soulmate is still unable to talk to me because she loves me too much.

The owners are close to a deal of some sort, and they are putting as little money into the restuarant as possible. We never have any paper products in the restroom, we regularly run out of eggs, and getting my tips is even more difficult than usual.

The promoter is here. He is training people, and trying to implement some basic standards of service that have been lacking for longer than I've been here. So yesterday I had to deal with all the stress of working in this restuarant purgatory, and sucking it up to be professional with the new guy, who was late, I didn't suck, but I wish I could have been better.

I want the world to be the way I want it. Things would go so much smoother... funny, huh? It just doesn't work that way. I don't get the respect I deserve, I don't get the love (nurturing) I need, people don't sigh and bow as I approach... thank god. I have enough trouble with my pride as it is.

I survived feeling helpless when a friend was in need yesterday. I know it must be worse for a parent. She probably feels ten times the guilt and frustration that I felt. Sometimes, there is nothing you can do. Sometimes, life is hard, and all you can do is keep the faith and try to create a little joy, no matter how insignificant it seems. Shit happens, and things change, ok? I have been blessed to have almost no property, and no one depending on me. Maybe that's what they mean that I have no responsabilities...

There is a huge group of teenage german athletes of some sort here at the hostel... I finally got my tips and kind of blew up at the owner. He gave me half what he owes me. Told me he could eat for a month on that. I told him it isn't a gift, I earn it, and I should get it everyday. He said he would change his procedure next week... right. I don't like teenagers, athletes, or germans. Not really, but they are dominating this space, and there is techno music playing, russian bartender. Sometimes you just can't get what you want.

But if you can stop wanting, you will always get what you need.

So because of the weather I haven't properly cleaned myself for two days. The sky is clear, and the breeze is not too cool. The ocean is calm, and I am going to go scrub my whole body with sand until I have removed the filth that has accumulated over the past two days living in this beautiful place. I will bring what gifts I can afford to my blessed host family, and I will sleep in the bed of my Dodge, get up tommorrow, and do it again. Because that is life. I am here in this place, now, because I am playing my single note in the universal symphony at the exact moment it is supposed to be played. What do I want for that, a cookie? Well, I can have one if I give good enough service to get enough money to buy one. That's why I do what I do.... for the cookies!

All you need is love... love

Have I mentioned the wild parrots here? Parrots are not indigenous to Miami, yet there is a pretty large flock that can often be found in the park that I pass through on my way to the beach. In the day time, you hear them first. They squak when they fly, and purr when they nap in the trees. They don't like it when you put your towel on the grass under them when they're napping. I'll leave it to your imagination...

How did they get here? Hurricaine Andrew liberated their first members from the Miami Zoo back in 1992. There were only a few then, I was living in the keys at the time. When I started going to school in Miami, I would see three or four flying together. Now, eight years later, there must be fifty. They definitely have found their niche. Maybe in competition with the mocking birds?

I love the mocking birds here in Florida. Their tail feather colors are much more brilliant, and their behavior much more flambouyant than in other parts of the country where I've seen them. In New York, for example, I had a bit of trouble even identifying them, they're so different.

So my tarp worked great last night. There wasn't any wind, but there was a constant drizzle. I opened up the sheltered side, and it was warm and dry. Actually a little hot after my milk and cookies. They always make me sweat. I left my matress in the bed today while I was at work, and it was nice and dry when I got home. We are starting to get some rain from Paula, no wind yet. The prediction currently is for a high pressure area to push her off to the East before she gets here. We will see.

There are four new waiters training at the restuarant starting tonight. I get one in the morning. Fresh meat for the French grinder. Baby steps, right?

Meanwhile, I only had four tables today, but I got great over tips, but they were all credit cards, and I have just enough money for a couple happy hour beers with a prudent reserve of $5 left over. So all in all, life is good. I'm listening to reggrae with my favorite Israeli bartender, and I have a dry place to sleep tonight, and a chance to serve tomorrow. what more could I ask for?

All you need is love...

Wow, what a day. It began last night when I went out dancing to live reggae with a friend. We went to a couple of places, danced until five am. I had so much fun. Dancing is so theraputic, I was feeling it into the afternoon.

I was awakened by a text from the restuarant club promoter to come to the restuarant to talk to him. I was hoping for something like "mark, you're now the general manager, and we've decided to give you a huge signing bonus". Not really, but it felt like it could be spectacular. Turned out to be that they want to fire the cokehead waiter and move me to dinner shifts. But before I could get there, at 11:45, my trainee wigged out and quit/fired herself. They had even changed the schedule; mark has today off, and works alone again on days for the rest of the week. If they would just let me hire my replacement... actually, that's a good idea.

In fact though, the news was spectacular. The real news was that the promoter is now letting the club go a little because it's doing well, and he is ready to jump in to the restuarant. Of course he is also positioning himself for 01 Nov 2010, but that's good because we work well together. I finally have some help, and from someone the owners like and trust enough that we can actually make some real changes and turn it into a great restuarant.

I bought a tarp for my truck today, then went to Boston Market. I had the first hot, almost home cooked meal I've eaten in over two months. And it cost less than Subway. I will be taking the 25 cent local bus up to the other end of South Beach much more often. As I was eating, I paused to reflect on where I've been since 28 July 2010. I had a sudden, overpowering feeling of gratitude. I nearly cried.

Played around with the tarp for awhile, and must say I am very satisfied with my initial rigging. I think it will handle your average tropical storm, and I have a few days to refine it before hurricaine Paula gets here. I still need to find a way to button up from inside, and I will. I was going to take a picture to post, but it's form looks like trailer trash. It's function though, is beautiful in it's quality. Robert Persig would appreciate it, I think.

I feel myself slowly becomming human again. When I chose to stay here, I was reduced to a dirty, old alcoholic, homeless busboy in the eyes of those around me. In fact, I think it was a sort of a purification. I stripped away some of my ego, my self, that thing that seperates me from god, and started rebuilding my life from a place where simply being here and staying alive each day was a victory. I identified strongly with the feral cats I would see around, and with the birds. Today my truck bed is closer to being all-weather, I am on the verge of paying my first bill on time, I have friends, strong faith, and a job that pays me for serving others.... man, I just got hit with another wave of gratitude. I feel like I want to sob for about 15 minutes. It may not seem like much, but I am feeling very blessed, indeed.

Today started last night when I danced with a very good friend to music that I love until I couldn't dance anymore. Dancing is a celebration of life, of your body, of your spirit. Tomorrow morning I go back to work with all it's problems and stresses. Everything changes.... nothing stays the same. I am comming to depend on that when things feel bad, and remind myself of it when things are good. We are all being taken care of according to our own needs. Trust that, and learn. I tell myself this every day.

P.S.

It is a strange experience to be jealous of fat people.

All you need is love

Finally, the weather is warm enough, the cops are gone, I got my sand bath. I've used loofa's before, often in fact, but nothing makes you feel as clean as a good, hard, sand scrub.

The new owners take over 01 Nov 2010. I would be worried if I didn't know everything always works out. They own a very hot night club in Nice, and it seems they want to own another in South Beach. I know they want to do some renovations, but I don't know if they will close the restuarant, if they will keep the restuarant, if they will keep any staff... and I don't expect to know before 01 Nov 2010. But I do know that they know my name, and that may be a good sign. We will see.

Life went on today at the restuarant. I made money, my trainee got weird. Who knows if she will make it. I'm not worried. She is on her own path. I work tomorrow night, and I am taking Wednesday off. No matter what happens, this will probably be so. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it. And yes, I am pretty much naked at the moment. I like the beach at night.

You know, you really have to face your fears and conquer them. At least I do. For 24 hours I have been pissed off about getting kicked off the beach, again. I told a friend about the beach being closed from 12 to 5. She asked me where is the door? I love it. I like my sand baths. I like my beach when no one is here. That guy threatened to take it away from me. I could have said something ugly, then avoided the beach because this seems to be a police state sometimes. But instead, I asserrted my right to swim naked when no one was looking, and I feel much better. Cleaner too. I think I will come back tomorrow, weather permitting.

The police helicopters are still here. I count two at the moment. But, they let me bathe and swim (probably watched on infrared... perverts), and all is right again.

Fear is about as useless as guilt. Both are signals to pay attention to something that needs changing. Nothing more. I know people who live their lives continuously stoking one or the other in their hearts. That is a choice too. There is a way to live in trust and security and inner peace. All you have to do is say you believe, and you have opened the door.

When I first stopped shooting cocaine and started going to NA and AA. I took the first three steps of the 12 steps. And I did have a spiritual awakening. I suddenly felt a warmth, a peace in my chest, filling a hole that I hadn't even realized was there until I opened myself to something bigger than myself. When I realized that I couldn't manage my own life, and took the chance to open my mind to the possibility that there is a higher power in this life. And I asked, without knowing who I was asking, for help... I was given an awareness of a love for me, exactly as I was, with all my imperfections, and that's how this all started. That's how I came to be here.

So, fear and guilt, and jealousy too, are choices. You don't have to stay in those sad, sad feelings. The temperature is dropping, there is a beautiful first quarter moon, and I think I can hear a live reggae band warming up. Be happy. When I started this blog... it seems like a very long time ago, I asked for a blessing that it would be free of selfish motives and that those who had ears would hear. So I want to say thank you again for reading. You are keeping me sane. Please feel free to kick in and comment. I get great emails, but I am the only one who reads them. I think if you leave a comment on the blog site other people will be able to read what you say.

So conquer your fear, find your voice, and add it to mine if it is in your heart. We are in for really good times.

Cool breezes, and clear skys....