I made it two and a half days. About three or four hours after my last post I bought a pack of cigarettes and a pitcher of beer. After my first beer and a couple cigarettes, I relaxed, and thought "This is nice, what's wrong with this?". Of course, then I went through the list of what is wrong with that. Beefore I lit the first cigarette though, I thought about what I was experiencing, and why I was choosing to smoke.
I remembered the solidness of being sober. The waking up clear headed, and the security of a clean routine. I forgot how it felt to "handle life on life's terms". That means not on my terms, sort of. It means I don't get to check out, or insulate myself with a warm blanket of alcohol when I've had a rough day. I have to face my nerves with no chemical assistance. Maybe for some of you this is common, and you do it every day. Not for me. I can handle my stress through the day, but at the end, I want some beers, or some wine to change my headspace. Kind of a mini-vacation. And that is fine until the time when I've had enough, then decide I should go get more.
I had a blowout with my good friend and former roommate. Though now I may need to say former good friend too. I was wondering if my old therapist would describe this as a "folie a deux", like he did my second marriage. We just have this chemistry thing where we get along great until we don't get along, and then we tear each other apart. For me, it clears the air. For her, being French, words don't fade away. She may hate me to her grave. I felt really bad for about one evening, then I remembered how my life gets really easy when I don't let her complicate it.
I thought about The Unbearable Lightness of Being, by Milan Kundera. About a guy who keeps getting himself into trouble because he can't stand not having anything to direct his attention toward. And I remembered that I have almost no worries in this world. I could list my worries, but why bother? They are really nothing. And I remembered that I am happier at work, and thus get better tips when I'm not tired from helping her, or preoccupied with my worries about her problems. So then I stopped feeling bad (after I texted an apology, and my sincere regrets over the loss of her friendship).
So I didn't even think about trying to quit smoking on a Friday or Saturday. Work is too stressful for that. I decided to give myself Sunday because I'm going to work a lunch and will for sure want a beer and a martini after, as the sun sets. I love twilight. So my new quit date is Monday. I think I can do it. I'm going to look into chantix, on the advice of my drug selling cousin. Oops, pharmaceutical representative cousin...
I have a bit of a hiatus now, and I intend to make the most of it. I know god has stuff planned for me down the road, and I welcome my next assignment. In the meantime though, I'm going to do some pushups of my own and becomming a little bit more bad myself. My addiction never rests, but that has to make him a little weak, right? Even god rested for one day.
We'll see....
No comments:
Post a Comment