Better to be quiet and thought a fool, than to speak and confirm it

I just re-read my posting from last night. It wasn't that bad...  or that good. While my identity is not to be found in my different jobs, I do find that now, serving is still good for me. It is the real me that comes to your table, not just a face. But unless we've met many times in and out of work, you don't know me. And if you don't like me, it isn't the real me, it is the me you see through your dinner experience. Whatever that happens to be, good or bad. I like doing everything I can to make it good. But I don't take offense if I'm treated as something subhuman, that's your problem, not mine. I am here to serve, and if you need a dog to kick, you really won't be hurting me. And you will leave soon anyway, and I have five other tables who are having a great time, in part because of my service.

Serving keeps me humble, and it helps me learn and make new friends, and network to help other friends. And when I leave at night, it all stays there until I come back the next day. And I go home and do the stuff that is my new life.

I'm going to try to quit smoking again. Actually I already tried but had to retreat. I tried and failed last year. This year, three days ago, I stopped smoking using only the gum. I didn't smoke all day until I went out for a nice dinner, a nice wine, and couldn't stand ruining the taste with the gum. But the next day, I tried again. Around 1:00 or 2:00 pm, I realized that I was really groggy from nicotine withdrawl. I realized that the past year when I chewed the gum at work, and smoked at the same time, I was probably bumping up my nicotine intake, and the gum just would not be enough.

So, I went back to smoking and set a new quit date. This time though, I will use the patch and the gum. It worked for me before. Many years ago when I actually quit for six weeks. Early next week, we'll see...

I started using a custom excel program to track my daily expenses. Most of them are reasonable, but alcohol and cigarettes are consuming an unacceptable percentage of my money. I knew that would be the case, but I wanted to collect the data, and see it with my own eyes. I have three weeks of base line measurements now, and it is very motivating.

I will report honestly, just like before, and just maybe I will make it this time. Like the guy said, I want to live my dreams, not dream my life.

I really am happy, I'm also aware as I can be. I love my job, and I am grateful for it, and for my apartment with all its' challenges. I can see things in my way, and I am taking solid steps to adapt and overcome, because that's what I do now.

I can't solve other people's issues. The best I can do is be solid myself and respond to them naturally, from a peaceful place. The trick is finding, and staying in a peaceful space.

So I'm changing again, trying to anyway, and also staying the same. The more I change, the more I stay the same. I like that, too bad I'm not the first to say it.

Strange that I don't have much to say tonight. My life is pretty simple, and most of my attention is taken by the act of living it. I stop sometimes to reflect and try to get an uber-view. The quiet probably just means I'm missing something that will hit me like a freight train in a day or two. In the meantime, stay tuned and challenge authority. Oh yeah, and smile a lot, it helps.