Cazzo figa culo tetas...

It is good that I didn't try to quit smoking today. We had no computers all day; had to do everything by hand. When I finished the three gimlets after work, I felt like I was alive,barely, but my eyes were still not open.

I got home, I found my new ibizian friend. We started talking in spanish, italian, a little french, and english quando necessario. I got more cigarettas e vino, e cashews, and I know I'm not sober, but I'm home, safe, and happy. She leaves in nine days.

I had planned to quit tomorrow, but I think I need to set the date back 24 hours. I work at 7pm tomorrow, so I have enough time to get plenty of rest, take care of my errands, get some good exercise, maybe some sun, and still make money before my first day off of the week. Perfecto! I have a healthy day, then I take it home.

I didn't hit a meeting today. I'm not sorry. There was a low-bottom, street-bum, teeth-missing alcoholic who made it back one day before me. George, I think. First he had one day more than me, then two, three. Now it doesn't matter. AA is for souls like his, me has to find his own path.

Me, myself, and I. A long time ago, I wrote about us. I finished work, while me slept, and myself left at one o'clock. Capiche? What is the best language for convoluted poetry?

My new friend is teaching me bad words in italian. If you can say "shut up!", and "fuck you!" in any language, you can make people laugh, and that is how you begin to communicate.

No mas esta noche, no more tonight. Stay bat-tunned to the same bat-channel... something else is for sure going to happen soon.

Hey, 34 years smoking, over 20 at two plus packs a day...

I made it two and a half days. About three or four hours after my last post I bought a pack of cigarettes and a pitcher of beer. After my first beer and a couple cigarettes, I relaxed, and thought "This is nice, what's wrong with this?". Of course, then I went through the list of what is wrong with that. Beefore I lit the first cigarette though, I thought about what I was experiencing, and why I was choosing to smoke.

I remembered the solidness of being sober. The waking up clear headed, and the security of a clean routine. I forgot how it felt to "handle life on life's terms". That means not on my terms, sort of. It means I don't get to check out, or insulate myself with a warm blanket of alcohol when I've had a rough day. I have to face my nerves with no chemical assistance. Maybe for some of you this is common, and you do it every day. Not for me. I can handle my stress through the day, but at the end, I want some beers, or some wine to change my headspace. Kind of a mini-vacation. And that is fine until the time when I've had enough, then decide I should go get more.

I had a blowout with my good friend and former roommate. Though now I may need to say former good friend too. I was wondering if my old therapist would describe this as a "folie a deux", like he did my second marriage. We just have this chemistry thing where we get along great until we don't get along, and then we tear each other apart. For me, it clears the air. For her, being French, words don't fade away. She may hate me to her grave. I felt really bad for about one evening, then I remembered how my life gets really easy when I don't let her complicate it.

I thought about The Unbearable Lightness of Being, by Milan Kundera. About a guy who keeps getting himself into trouble because he can't stand not having anything to direct his attention toward. And I remembered that I have almost no worries in this world. I could list my worries, but why bother? They are really nothing. And I remembered that I am happier at work, and thus get better tips when I'm not tired from helping her, or preoccupied with my worries about her problems. So then I stopped feeling bad (after I texted an apology, and my sincere regrets over the loss of her friendship).

So I didn't even think about trying to quit smoking on a Friday or Saturday. Work is too stressful for that. I decided to give myself Sunday because I'm going to work a lunch and will for sure want a beer and a martini after, as the sun sets. I love twilight. So my new quit date is Monday. I think I can do it. I'm going to look into chantix, on the advice of my drug selling cousin. Oops, pharmaceutical representative cousin...

I have a bit of a hiatus now, and I intend to make the most of it. I know god has stuff planned for me down the road, and I welcome my next assignment. In the meantime though, I'm going to do some pushups of my own and becomming a little bit more bad myself. My addiction never rests, but that has to make him a little weak, right? Even god rested for one day.

We'll see....

Slow progress

Wow, writing my blog when I'm sober. This is weird...

I haven't had a drop of alcohol in over two days. That isn't really very significant to me though. What is significant is that I haven't had even one drag from one cigarette in over two days. My goal isn't to stop drinking, though I have been going to meetings to help, my goal is to stop smoking. And I know that if I drink, I will smoke. Still, being back in the rooms has made me recognize that I haven't been in a truely sober state of mind for awhile.

I have been doing ok, and I haven't been using anything else. Still, I haven't been building like I feel I should be. Yes, my truck is running great, I have a great bicycle, and a little money saved. And also in the last two months I have probably spent more money on cigarettes and alcohol than all my other expenses (excepting rent and phone) combined. I'm not disparaging my progress, I just feel I could be doing more.

So that's why I decided to quit smoking. And it has been really, really hard. I know that within a couple more days the cravings will subside, and in a couple weeks the habit of not smoking will begin to take hold. Last night I worked my first shift without smoking. I came so close to picking up a cigarette. I went to bed instead, and as a result, I can make the above statement, instead of "I've only had one cigarette in the last two days". And it is good because every cigarette I smoke prolongs my agony, and makes my sucess less likely.

I'm not really thinking about much else now, just readjusting my habits to a healthier lifestyle. I promised to be honest, and that's where I am right now. That's all I have to say I guess. Stay tuned...

Better to be quiet and thought a fool, than to speak and confirm it

I just re-read my posting from last night. It wasn't that bad...  or that good. While my identity is not to be found in my different jobs, I do find that now, serving is still good for me. It is the real me that comes to your table, not just a face. But unless we've met many times in and out of work, you don't know me. And if you don't like me, it isn't the real me, it is the me you see through your dinner experience. Whatever that happens to be, good or bad. I like doing everything I can to make it good. But I don't take offense if I'm treated as something subhuman, that's your problem, not mine. I am here to serve, and if you need a dog to kick, you really won't be hurting me. And you will leave soon anyway, and I have five other tables who are having a great time, in part because of my service.

Serving keeps me humble, and it helps me learn and make new friends, and network to help other friends. And when I leave at night, it all stays there until I come back the next day. And I go home and do the stuff that is my new life.

I'm going to try to quit smoking again. Actually I already tried but had to retreat. I tried and failed last year. This year, three days ago, I stopped smoking using only the gum. I didn't smoke all day until I went out for a nice dinner, a nice wine, and couldn't stand ruining the taste with the gum. But the next day, I tried again. Around 1:00 or 2:00 pm, I realized that I was really groggy from nicotine withdrawl. I realized that the past year when I chewed the gum at work, and smoked at the same time, I was probably bumping up my nicotine intake, and the gum just would not be enough.

So, I went back to smoking and set a new quit date. This time though, I will use the patch and the gum. It worked for me before. Many years ago when I actually quit for six weeks. Early next week, we'll see...

I started using a custom excel program to track my daily expenses. Most of them are reasonable, but alcohol and cigarettes are consuming an unacceptable percentage of my money. I knew that would be the case, but I wanted to collect the data, and see it with my own eyes. I have three weeks of base line measurements now, and it is very motivating.

I will report honestly, just like before, and just maybe I will make it this time. Like the guy said, I want to live my dreams, not dream my life.

I really am happy, I'm also aware as I can be. I love my job, and I am grateful for it, and for my apartment with all its' challenges. I can see things in my way, and I am taking solid steps to adapt and overcome, because that's what I do now.

I can't solve other people's issues. The best I can do is be solid myself and respond to them naturally, from a peaceful place. The trick is finding, and staying in a peaceful space.

So I'm changing again, trying to anyway, and also staying the same. The more I change, the more I stay the same. I like that, too bad I'm not the first to say it.

Strange that I don't have much to say tonight. My life is pretty simple, and most of my attention is taken by the act of living it. I stop sometimes to reflect and try to get an uber-view. The quiet probably just means I'm missing something that will hit me like a freight train in a day or two. In the meantime, stay tuned and challenge authority. Oh yeah, and smile a lot, it helps.

Oops.... here are the photos

Please forgive me, and buy a mannequin.

This is one of my favorites. My former roommate is designing these really cool mannequins. (They are for sale...)

I've met a new friend who lives in my building. She's spanish, lives in Ibiza. She is in her second year running a company that has two boats she throws party cruises on, in and around the island of Ibiza, in the summer when it is season there. She is working here in the off months at the clubs making money in our season. She's been working very hard promoting her party boats, and has told me about her business. She is another person creating something with her hard work, immagination, and passion.

Tonight she told me I shouldn't be a waiter, essentially because I have a brain and a very positive energy. Her words... she said I should be making more money creating. I said I am a writer.

And I am a writer, sort of a philosopher, sort of a scientist, sort of a journalist, sort of a buddhist. I am sort of a lot of things. That's how I've been since I was a child driving my parents crazy because I skipped from one interest to another without building anything. But I was building a knowledge base. I still am.

I've had a couple careers, and have always done well, but I still haven't found it. I have honestly thrown myself into massage, counseling, science, mathematics, serving, hotel and restuarant management, the military. And even though each of those endevours is a real part of me, I'm not committed to any of them. It's like I learn what I need until life moves me somewhere else.

I look at the lives of people I know, love, and respect, who have stayed with one career, in one place. Nearly all of them have loving families that they support, and who support them. They have solidity, and they are part of the backbone of american society. And I'm just different. I've been called a con-man, and I've called myself a monk. And the truth is somewhere in between. I'm still exploring, not lost, just looking for my place.

I'm getting excited about some work I've been doing on a computer. Not my phone, a laptop. I've been increasingly paranoid about my eidentity and my lack of eprivacy. No doubt due, in no small part, to my ex-wife's 14 month spamming campaign against me. No, she hasn't stopped.

I'm not giving up this identity, but I am working on a private, and moderately secure platform that I can use to start working again. I know that's vague, but I'm afraid that's the way it has to be for now. To be truthful, I don't like the way people freely give up their privacy and make so much of their lives public. I have nothing to hide (I've sure said enough here to scare anyone away and disqualify myself from any public office), but I will tell you what I want to tell you when I want to tell you. There is a common feel to me between the facebookers and the fundamentalist [blank] (you name the extremist cause/religion). Social networks that want me to broadcast where I am, what I'm doing, what my interests are, where I eat, etc., etc., scare the hell out of me. With such a rich informational environment, am I the only one who worries about stalkers and serial killers? I will share all that stuff with my friends. The people I have met face-to-face, have shook hands, hugged, or kissed, and felt their energy. I don't make friends by clicking a button. I need to know a little more about you before I tell you everything about me.

I'm maybe a bit naive. I'm not in the scene. I'm just a guy trying to make it day by day. I have goals, I have friends, I have interests. But if you (I'm speaking to megacorporations here) want to know the details, you are going to have to ask me, first of all, and second, pay me for sharing my personal data. That is my elife, and you have no right to my personal information/habits/contacts/interests. So here is one of my points tonight; stop allowing big brother to make millions from the information he collects about your activities with absolutely no return compensation. In fact, some of you actually pay him for the service.

I am working on a private space where I can build a private database that I can use to write more effectively. Big things are happening in the world. I want to be a part of it. I just want to create a self that is relatively safe from eattack before I start to say what I want to say.

This posting is rambling and disorganized, and I'm not going to change it. That is the nature of this blog. I'm writing off the cuff, on my smart phone, about getting by day by day under difficult circumstances. The message is meant to be positive, I'm better off than so many. I want to transcend circumstance and speak to the common knowledge in all of us, no matter what our position in life.

I haven't written in several days, and writers have to write. They also have a predisposition toward self-condemnation. This posting sucks. If you have read all the way through it, I'm sorry. I will try to write again sooner, and better.

Hey, we all have off days, right?

One question

So much of life really comes down to one simple question. Do you believe that one man can make a difference?

Can you affect those around you in a positive manner, even if it means you have to deal with a for-real confrontation? Is there such thing as a fake confrontation? Yup, I think there is, and I think that most of the anger I see around me is better spent elsewhere.

I am talking about the difference between personal and community space now. My bed and dresser are my personal space. If I choose to keep that area in disorder, no one has a right to say otherwise. It is my space. It defines me.

The bathroom, the kitchen, and (to me) to a lesser extent, the TV viewing area (I never watch TV), are shared, community areas. In these spaces, you bring what you need, and clean up after yourself when you leave. Take only pictures, leave only footprints. And only leave footprints if you can't avoid it. I learned these things in kindergarten, high school, and the army. The United States Army. Does Haiti or Italy even have an army? I'm not casting dispersions, it is a serious question. The army is where I really learned how to be a man. I hope to be a good man. What social structure in those countries, and others, provides the same or equivalent training? Or do those countries believe that respectful co-existence is an unimportant topic? How do they learn how to do it?

I learned how to live in very tight quarters, peacefully, with a bunch of over-testosteroned men in the military. My current roommates don't have a clue, and they call me a "bully" for trying to project some order. The guy who stays in bed from 5am to 5pm (who knows where he is from 5pm to 5am) tells me I resent him because I am unhappy with myself. When is the last time I heard such unadulterated bullshit? I think it was around 8th grade. Grow up, make a life, stand for a cause you believe in... find a cause you believe in... figure out who you are, and then try to help someone else overcome their difficulties. There are plenty of worthy people trying hard to make ends meet. More than you can shake a stick at. But you have to find yourself first. If you can't take care of yourself, how can you expect anyone to trust you to take care of them? (And it is a process, not a destination. I haven't found IT yet).

I am trying to learn and understand. What is obvious to me may be ridiculous to my neighbor. The only way to find out is to talk. And sometimes you have to fight to clear the air and break down some fences before you can have any meaningful discussion. That is where I find myself now.

It is almost 3am, and I have already had a loud arguement with my hatian roommate. I am drinking water and coffee to clear my head while we wait for our sicilian roommate to come home. I hope he isn't drunk, and can talk. We need to all agree on some basic rules about what is and is not ok in our apartment; a closet that three men share. Talk about an unnatural situation...

I have the day off tomorrow, and I believe that my extremely good friend, and former roommate, will allow me to recouperate from a sleepless night in peace at her apartment. I am counting on it. If not, I will go to the beach. I love miami beach!

So I guess I'm back where I started. Can I make a positive difference, or does the energy I expend trying to help only create more disorder and chaos? Only time will tell, but stay tuned, and I will do my best to report my mistakes and my victories as honestly as I am capable of doing. History will judge. Ask only that my higher power will guide me instinctively, rather than my own self-centered consciousness. And so must it be, for the good of all, according to the free will of all, and so must it be.