I feel the heaviness of loss on my shoulders a lot lately. My soulmate is gone, my best friend kenny, the chihuahua. I lost a career in hotel management that was just getting started, someone I thought was a really good friend, and now my most recent roommates at the hostel left today. They were a very nice couple from virginia. She was born there and works for fannie mae. He was from ethiopia and did I'm not sure what. We shared a room for three nights, watched shawshank redemption together a couple nights ago, and had a couple beers last night. And then there's my dad who I lost many decades ago, and am finally just now realizing that I may never have a bond with him.
I remember when kenny was with me, thinking I know I will outlive him and will have to deal with being without him. It is one of the three central tenants of buddhism. Nothing is permanent. In everything that is we would do well to recognize that one day it will be gone. I'm not actively grieving, I don't think, maybe I'm just seeing another side of the impermanence of everything.
Like I said, I'm heavy with loss lately.
The rates at all the hostels here double starting in march, because of spring break. That means I need to either find a really cheap studio, or think about living in my truck again. The cost of most of the studios that I've found would wipe out my savings for first, last, and deposit. Then I would be struggling to make rent every month. The hostels would only cost a little more, and the rates are only high for about three months. So maybe that's an option.
The weather is getting warmer now. It just might be possible to shave and shower outdoors again. Two months without having to pay rent might give me enough to buy the boat. I think maybe I could use that portable personal shelter that my grad-student friend is working on about now.
I know in the depth of my soul that everything will be alright. God wants me here, for some reason, and he will take care of me for as long as it takes. When I'm done, I will be released from this life. Then I will probably have to do it again as a woman. And there is no doubt in my military mind that I'm going to meet my father again. Probably he will be my pain-in-the-ass son next time...
That's just how it works. Life is much easier if you do the hard stuff first. There's nothing easy here. Pain, discomfort, and dhuky. Its all part of the price of admission. But mark my words, I will get the boat. Because even though god loves to fuck with me, he also loves me and takes care of me. And he would not have cursed me with this obsession without having some beautiful ending in mind. Only problem is, god has a weird sense of humor.
I hear bob marley calling....
Serious question, why don't you get a gym membership? If the issue of showering/shaving outdoors is something that would hold you back from living in your truck you could get a gym membership for the bathroom facilities. Then living in your truck might not be so bad and you can get your boat!
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