Possesed puppy grows up

I've said it probably 200 times, and I will say it again...the world would be a much better place if pot were legal, and alcohol wasn't. Pot makes people mellow, alcohol makes them stupid and belidgerant.

Its Sunday night, the food and wine festival has just ended here on the beach, and there are a few thousand people trying to leave. The roads are jammed. The cops are driving around like crazy people with their lights flashing, going nowhere, just showing the colors. Fascists...

Anyway, most of the people driving now are probably intoxicated, so the roads are stupid and dangerous. If they were all stoned, the few who are drunk would be obvious and easy to handle. We might even be able to be kind to them... what a concept. Treat deviants with respect and care...

The problem isn't the people, they are mostly sheep and do what everyone else does. The problem is the law that creates a beligerant society.

But hey, what do I know? I'm just an old divorced washed out addict.

Ahhh... just tuned into some baaaach. Sometimes you just need some peace. I didn't have to work a double tonight, and I have two days off now because my mom is comming to visit. I've been working a little too much, and this is just what the doctor ordered. Remember, work to live, don't live to work.

It has been a nice, peaceful week living once again with my friend. I had to go to the hostel tonight to see my bartender friend because there was a problem with some music files she gave me to copy. My goodness, what a chaotic, unpeaceful place. How did I keep my sanity living there for three weeks? I stayed in my room, that's how. The world's children come to south beach to play. The barely post-pubescent ones with no money and an over-abundance of hormones go to that hostel. The saddest thing is the 30-, and 40-something guys who go there to pick up young female travelers.

I remember saying I would suffer financial hardship for my friend. While that's not yet a reality, she's not working, and I expect to have to dip into my savings soon to cover the rent. She's doing ok so far. I can see the stress of unemployment in her, and I'm doing my best to insulate her from the worst of it. She would do it for me in a heartbeat, and I'm happy I have the means to help her. I'm trusting that she and I can have all we need, even if it isn't all that we want.

My attitude is still good. I have all that I need, and I have opportunities to help others. I'm still earning trust at work; I've lost a couple good bar shifts recently because I'm new. Atleast I believe that's why. The alternative explanation is because I'm not italian. Even though I know there is some nationalistic bias at my restuarant, I choose to believe that I earn what I receive. It beats being angry. I generally prefer to not be angry. In fact, recently I started thinking of negative thoughts as temptations from Satan.

I'm not getting fundamentalistic. "Satan" is a concept to me that communicates the destructive, self-serving tendancies that are so easy to submit to, and so difficult to escape once you have begun to embrace them.

More on that later. Life is as good as it gets. Always hard, but everyday there is good. What do you want, a cookie?

Ridin' the wave

Whew... two double shifts on the boat show weekend. I came close to making my rent in two days, and my body is sooo sore. I'm tired, I've had a couple beers, about to go to bed, and I just read about the violence in libya. I moved back in with my friend this morning, sort of, I met her and picked up the keys. It is late, I'm not ready to sleep, and I don't want to disturb her. So... libya.

I had the thought that this could turn into a third world war. Then I realized that already happened in iraq. I thought about the whole middle east in turmoil, and about the fact that we can still get some of our oil fix from south america and russia, and I wonder if they can supply enough. I wonder if the violence will ever spread to saudi arabia, that would be a milestone, and I wonder if president obama will be able to keep a cool enough head to let them work it out and keep us out of a fourth world war.

I left work at about 12. I went to our sister restuarant for a couple beers. Some guy who did some time in afghanistan was there with his civillian steroid buddy, drunk, and got beligerent in the bartenders face, then slapped the manager, then was ugly with the owner. The owner is an italian guy who I've liked from the start. He dealt with the guy very gracefully. I liked it when at one moment when the drunk guy didn't hear what the owner said. The owner said, "I'm sorry, I know I have a strong accent, too". The drunk guy was saying he was being discriminated against because he's puerto rican.

They took off, I left. Went to news cafe, open 24 hours, for a final beer. Happened to get into a conversation with some drunk, rich guy, here for the boat show to buy a 45 foot catamaran. He apparently owns a casino and restuarant in tobago, and wants to fly me down to have a "looksee" because he needs someone to get the restuarant shaped up. Said I'd probably fire all the staff, after I started asking him the pertanent questions.

I had to walk him back to his hotel. Mio dio, was he drunk as a skunk. I left a wake-up call for him. We're supposed to have dinner tomorrow night at one of the best restuarants on south beach. I'm not gonna hold my breath, but who knows? We'll see...

So I dumped him in his bed, and came back to the news for one more beer. It is almost three. I'm not thinking much about the middle east anymore, but I think we all need to pay attention. Tomorrow I will read about what I can't really do anything about, but atleast I will know what the media wants me to know. I work at twelve. I need to go to bed. I'm a little worried about going to my new home. I need to be quiet.

Sometimes I just wait, sometimes I just try to keep up.

No-brainer

So last night I'm not too far from bed and I get a text from my former friend and roommate saying she needs money and will pay me back next month. She said she lost her job, and has only saved half her rent. She says maybe she should go back to paris. She says she went on a two day binge again. I make sure she is okay. I tell her if I give her money I may not have enough to get my own apartment. I say I would come back for maybe three months, and I'm going to bed so text me in the morning.

In the morning I check craigslist. The place I saw last month, the one I've been waiting for, is being advertised again. It is a studio with three beds. $550 a month, no deposit, no lease, and it is only two blocks from my job. Perfect. Its like a hostel with an affordable rate, and no stay limit.

Its about 9:00 am, and my friend hasn't contacted me. I've decided I am definitely calling this guy to book the place this evening. I am 30 seconds from making the call, and my friend texts. She says maybe she made a bad decision, and let's meet to talk tonight.

Did I mention that my god loves to fuck with me? What should I do? For me its a no-brainer. I follow my heart. I have unresolved business with my friend, and this may be a chance to resolve it. Emphasis on may. And also, it is the wrong choice in terms of stability and moving toward my boat. I really need a stable, cheap place to stay where I can save and meditate until my boat arrives.

I wonder who thinks moving back in with my friend is a bad choice? They are the same ones who will tell me I have to live with the consequences of my choices. I don't think I could live with myself if I turned my back on my friend. Its a matter of priorities. To me, it is more important to help a friend in need than to make myself secure. I trust my god. He will always take care of me, and he puts me exactly where he wants me. But in times like this, it seems I always have a choice. Like god is saying, "ok mark, you can have what you want, or you can do what I want. And by the way, if you do what I want, others are going to say you made the wrong choice. But if you do what I want, you know I will take care of you."

So like I said, a no-brainer. We are meeting in about 30 minutes. I will gladly suffer financially to help her. That may not be necessary, we will see. I will have my boat exactly when god says I can have it, no sooner, no later. In the mean time, if I am lucky, god will use me as his instrument. Am I delusional? Maybe. But in this life I have found a voice that I believe to be from god. I get my instructions from somewhere between my heart, my brain, and my gut. The voice is consistent, and I have chosen to live my life according to it, and to foresake the reason of others. It makes my life a little chaotic somtimes, but it is almost never dull.

What do you call a buddhist who believes in god? Confused?

More to come...

Where's that confounded bridge?

I feel the heaviness of loss on my shoulders a lot lately. My soulmate is gone, my best friend kenny, the chihuahua. I lost a career in hotel management that was just getting started, someone I thought was a really good friend, and now my most recent roommates at the hostel left today. They were a very nice couple from virginia. She was born there and works for fannie mae. He was from ethiopia and did I'm not sure what. We shared a room for three nights, watched shawshank redemption together a couple nights ago, and had a couple beers last night. And then there's my dad who I lost many decades ago, and am finally just now realizing that I may never have a bond with him.

I remember when kenny was with me, thinking I know I will outlive him and will have to deal with being without him. It is one of the three central tenants of buddhism. Nothing is permanent. In everything that is we would do well to recognize that one day it will be gone. I'm not actively grieving, I don't think, maybe I'm just seeing another side of the impermanence of everything.

Like I said, I'm heavy with loss lately.

The rates at all the hostels here double starting in march, because of spring break. That means I need to either find a really cheap studio, or think about living in my truck again. The cost of most of the studios that I've found would wipe out my savings for first, last, and deposit. Then I would be struggling to make rent every month. The hostels would only cost a little more, and the rates are only high for about three months. So maybe that's an option.

The weather is getting warmer now. It just might be possible to shave and shower outdoors again. Two months without having to pay rent might give me enough to buy the boat. I think maybe I could use that portable personal shelter that my grad-student friend is working on about now.

I know in the depth of my soul that everything will be alright. God wants me here, for some reason, and he will take care of me for as long as it takes. When I'm done, I will be released from this life. Then I will probably have to do it again as a woman. And there is no doubt in my military mind that I'm going to meet my father again. Probably he will be my pain-in-the-ass son next time...

That's just how it works. Life is much easier if you do the hard stuff first. There's nothing easy here. Pain, discomfort, and dhuky. Its all part of the price of admission. But mark my words, I will get the boat. Because even though god loves to fuck with me, he also loves me and takes care of me. And he would not have cursed me with this obsession without having some beautiful ending in mind. Only problem is, god has a weird sense of humor.

I hear bob marley calling....

things always work out

My horoscope in the miami herald yesterday said I should buy that whatchamajigger that I've been wanting. I thought it meant my boat, but I before the night was out I bought a pair of earphones for my phone. The ones that came with it were uncomfortable and they were difficult to keep in my ears. The ones I bought are comfortable, they fit securely, they sound very good, and they have rubber covers so I can run with music if I want. I spent more than I normally would have, but the horoscope said I should, and I am very happpy with them. Maybe I will let the miami herald be my oracle...

If reincarnation really happens, I want to come back as a tree, or maybe as a chihuahua.

The manager that I work with the most assigns sections each day based on who comes to work first. I figure that's fair; reward the ones who want to work. This morning I arrived 15 or 20 minutes early, like always. One of my coworkers was already there, she drops her daughter off at daycare early, and always arrives early. I clocked in and started setting up. She texted, or surfed the internet, or whatever for another 15 minutes before she started working. When we were about to open the manager asked me who was here first. I said I was, I figured the question was who was working first...

We'll, that's not what she figured, and she got pretty pissed. When the three of us were together trying to resolve this descrepancy, I said she was, in fact, here first, but I was working first. That floated like a lead baloon with her. He gave the best section to her. No worries, we all get what we need, and there is enough for everybody. Atleast that's what I think, but not everyone shares my view. She was actually really mad at me. I tried to tell her I wasn't trying to steal anything, that I was speaking the truth according to my best understanding. She didn't buy it. She treated me like I was her ex-husband trying to take advantage of her.

Well, I don't like conflict, and I don't like hard feelings. I tried again to clarify my feelings with my coworker, but my attempt didn't just fall on deaf ears, I could see that anything I said would only aggrivate her and make her respond aggressively. I let it go and focused on serving my guests while staying out of her way.

By the end of the day we were sort of speaking again. At the end of the day I sold a lot more than she did.

If reincarnation really happens, I don't want to come back as a woman. But knowing my god, that's probably what he'll do to me. Maybe I was a woman in my last life? I was reminded today of my roommate who still refuses to be my friend again. She told me I should be more careful of what I say. I thought about that a lot today. Was I inconsiderate of my coworker? Was I following a subconscious personal adgenda?

No, I spoke the truth to my best understanding. I did assume that giving the best station to who arrives first was a reward for job commitment. Apparently that's not exactly true. Apparently today I walked square into a large pile of dhuky. Oh well, what're ya gonna do? Today I learned again that everyone doesn't see things like I do. And god took care of me anyway. I have everything I need. It is a very good and reassuring feeling. I wish I could share it.

What would the world be like if we all believed that we each have everything we need? I think pretty good.

I don't really want to come back as a chihuahua, because neurotic women often have chihuahuas. Best to be a tree. Maybe I will be cut down and turned into a book of poetry. With the internet though, its more likely I would be turned into toilet paper. But hey, I would still be helping to clean up dhuky, right?

Its beautiful in florida tonight. I still don't have my boat. This Sunday I move to a different hostel. I am happy with my life and secure in the knowledge that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, and doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing, even if I don't always like it. I have great streaming reggae whenever I need it, what else could I ask for?

Back in bidness

I think I am in heaven. I got my new phone. I downloaded this application called pandora radio that a couple friends have told me about. You enter a favorite artist, and it starts playing that kind of music. Anyone who knows me could easily guess Bob Marley would be my first choice. I've been listening to great reggae for 30 minutes now, and I may never take these earphones out. Life is just so much better with reggae music.

Its Friday on south beach. I remember dreading weekends here because all the drunks would be out, interrupting my peace, as I tried to sleep in the bed of my truck. Now, at the hostel, they are mostly in the lobby and outside, so they don't bother me.

When I was out earlier trying to get the last few things done on my day off, I recognized the weekend aggitation that is so pronounced here. Some are anxious to start their weekends, or already have. Others are anticipating, or are already experiencing the impatience of the self-absorbed horde. Soon to be the self-absorbed, drunk horde.

I had coffee today with an archetecture grad student who is designing a personal, portable, maybe wearable, shelter system. He wanted to talk to me because of my experiences being homeless, he learned about me from his archetetural theory professor, who happens to be married to my former major professor. First off, the two professors are a couple of the coolest people I know, and second, this guy had an awesome idea that is potentially very meaningful on many levels. Its the sort of thing that could help homeless people in a direct survival way, but also help by making them less offensive to the rest of society. Maybe even a resource. I guess I shouldn't publish any details, but I really enjoyed meeting him, and hope to follow his progress.

So I started looking for boats today. Its still too early; I don't have enough money yet, but it is time to start looking. I'm exploring where is the best for me to live.

...

Saturday after work now, I just kind of drifted off last night listening to reggae, then chicago blues, then classic blues. I don't have my earphones now, so maybe I'll finish this posting.

I think, no, I know I am happy to be back at the hostel. I am sad about how things ended with my friend, but I am happy to lose the ties that I accepted there. Attachment to an apartment, and a mutual dependence. Living in hostels is a little irritating, but I like the freedom to be able to move anytime I want.

Sometimes in the morning when I'm shaving, I reflect that I have been transient for seven months now. And I remember that it is the lifestyle that I chose, and the one that I want. But I want to have a permanent, mobile livingspace. A lifespace that I can take anywhere in the world I want, and that is powered by the wind and the tide, not by petroleum; a sailboat.

I am digging this phone. They fixed a lot of things I didn't like about the first generation. There are still a couple bugs I've found, but they kept the good stuff, and overall I'm happy. Need to get a better pair of earphones, and tweek the preferences a little, but for the most part, bravo t-mobile,

I'm still hanging on to my higher power and trusting that he is living through me. My challenges are pretty small.

Okay, I have to confess, I put the earphones back on, and I've got some ziggy marley streaming. I've had a couple beers, and I am definitely losing my focus on this blog. I probably need to just post it.

Love the camera in this phone. I even have a flash now. Great pictures to come, I'm sure.

Never a dull moment

I'm getting excited, and I am trying to contain it. I am feeling like it may actually be time to get the boat. I have a very little money saved, but enough to buy a boat that is smaller than I wanted. I have a friend who knows about power boats and has lived here for around eight years. He knows a lot of people, and he has offered to help. I am living in the hostel, so I have no kind of commitment to any land-based accommodation. I could concievably significantly increase my boat fund within a month with out inconveniencing myself. It just might be time...

Then again, you never know, there might be some unforseen savings-dessimating event on my horizon. I will get a boat exactly when god says I can have one. Not not a minute before nor after. And I sure do like the idea that the moment might be soon approaching.

I am still trying to process what happened with my roommate. I still can't find my culpability, other than just engaging in the first place. I don't think she knows how to end a relationship without violence (I'm talking about emotional violence here), and when you are tied to someone like that, I think, you just have to go through it. I still don't know what I could have done differently. Had I left when I recognized what was going on, I still would have been the bad guy. I guess now I know what will happen when I engage with a kind and generous, yet unstable, attractive french lesbian who has two kids, a cat, and a jack russel puppy. I'm glad I met her, and sad things ended the way they did.

I'm also happy because my two year contract on this phone ends this Friday. In two days I get a new phone. Its a good thing because now I can't even close the thing without losing my display. By the way, just in-case my ex-wife is reading, the word that means one who never wins is spelled loser, not looser. I love hearing how all the solicitors try to pronounce it. Its the little things that make life fun...

So, right, boat maybe on the way. Maybe smaller than I want, but I'm sure perfect in every way. Gods will is perfect, his love is sufficient. I still have everything I need, everyday. I've decided that if reincarnation actually happens, I want to come back as a tree.

Balance

My ex-wife is still spamming me. In a way I like it, I get emails and texts all the time, and I spend 10-15 minutes twice a day deleting and unsubscribing. It appears to an outsider that I have an active social life. So thank you, viktoria, keep it up, and thank you to whoever gave her my email and/or blog address.

Am I becomming a grumpy old man? I seem to be pissing people off lately. My former roommate seems to think I'm an asshole, and that's how my bartender friend treated me when I asked for my CDs back that I loaned her a week ago. Maybe I didn't say it right, maybe I am an asshole.

I do know that now that I'm not living with someone who gets pissed off at me daily has improved my attitude at work. I know this because my guests tell me they think I am the best thing since sliced bread, and they tip me accordingly. On the flip-side though, the two waitresses that I work with think I'm an asshole.

The people I respect seem to like me and treat me well though, so what should I think? Should I play grab-ass more at work to make them like me? Should I accept that I am an asshole and reconcile myself to a life of rejection from immature people who don't understand quality or service? Am I a bitter, grumpy old divorced and ugly man? Yes, according to my deceased ex-mother-in-law, god give her peace.

The picture is a portugese man-o-war. Very pretty on the outside, and painful as hell if you get too close and touch it. Kinda reminds me of me. I'm sure not pretty, but I seem to interest people until they get close enough to touch me. Then I don't know what happens. I seem to sting them because they recoil and then frequently attack. I don't mean to seem self-pitying, I'm not. I am being as true to my nature as I can be. If I irritate others, it creates an opportunity to learn. About me, and about them. It doesn't necessarily make me wrong. Life is full of dhuky, and I guess sometimes I am an instrument of dhuky.

I prefer to be an instrument of peace, but I'm not divine, and I'm still learning.

So life goes on here. It is for sure a long strange trip, if you pay attention. It is sunset now, and the clouds have the appearance of self-illumination that makes you feel like you are inside a salvador dali painting. I hear a woman walking by scolding her friend in italian, before and after the rumble of a passing harley-davidson motorcycle. Its about 72 degreeshere on the corner of 3rd and meridian avenue, and I have found peace again.

Another day

The adventure is not over. Why am I not surprised? My former friend and former roommate has gone over to the dark side. Not really, but she does seem to hate me, for reasons unknown to me. I have to take it on faith that she is getting exactly what she needs. It makes me sad to lose a friend, and sad to think she is worse off now. Then again, she is here, she has a decent job, she still has a good place to live. If I hadn't been here, she would probably be back in paris, where she doesn't want to be. So maybe I did my part. I hope so. She was very good to me, and I wish I could see a happier ending.

I'm at the hostel again. It kinda sucks, but then again, I am meeting good people again, and no one is dumping anger on me every day. Consequently, I feel better at work, I give better service, and I make more money. I don't know yet where I will go next, but I am gaining confidence daily that, once again, or still, I am doing exactly what and when I am supposed to be doing. Like I'm waitng for my next assignment. I'm starting to like people again, and I figure that's a good thing. Still I grieve for my friend.

So I met a guy this time at the hostel who told me he and some mates were going to buy a car and drive to california. I'm not sure, and I'm too lazy to check, but I think I wrote about another guy a few months ago who said the same thing. That guy didn't get the car, and I'm not sure if they eventually rented one or not. But this guy actuall got a car; a ford explorer. They leave on Tuesday. Apparently flying to america, buying a car, and driving across country is the non-american equivalent of flying to europe, buying a eurorail pass, and exploring the continent.

When I met the guy, I didn't tell him someone else had already attempted, and failed, to do the same thing. I told him after he got the explorer. It was very cool to watch him succeed. It gives me hope that I will be one of the ones who actually does get the boat and sails around the world. I have no delusions that I am the first. There's nothing new under the sun, right?

So here I am on south beach, waiting and looking for the next right thing. Life is good, and there is as much dhuky now as there ever was. Good people respect me, and I am contributing my little bits every chance I get. What else can you expect from life?

Let's see, warm breezes, a steady blow at your back, and a cold beer. Thank you god for letting me spend some time here.

These be the good old days

This is when I love florida. Every year there is atleast one day when most of the country is getting pounded by winter, and I get to wear shorts and flip-flops and not sweat a drop. Every year in february there is atleast one day when I say I love florida.

I don't meditate in any traditional sense of the word. I don't set aside any time during the day to meditate. Instead, I consider my life a meditation. I cultivate inner peace every waking moment.

I haven't written in a few days because I have been recreating my peace. I've been back in the hostel for two days now. It was maybe three or four days ago that I recognized the life-is-meditation thing. I need peace when I'm not at work so I can be peaceful and give good service when I am. And its not just about serving my guests, its also about serving those I work with. Creating good energy around me. And to do that, I need peace and routine and rest when I'm not working. That's why I moved out.

I have somehow come to be a constant source of irritation to my roommate. I have absolutely no idea how that happened. And I also learned that I still don't deal well with people being angry with me for reasons that I don't understand. If I screw up, I make amends. I get that. But when I make someone angry by just being alive, I have the potential to become a little aggressive.

I'm not minimizing. When I feel attacked, in this case, I respond with enough aggression to thwart further attacks. And I'm not happy about that. I would prefer to bend like a reed. Instead, I create a wall.

So things got violent in egypt today. Three people so far have died... I don't have a feel yet for the movement. I hope they can stay non-violent.

Everything is as it should be, and I am in transition now. That's not a real comfortable space for me, but I do know things will work out just fine. It is february in florida; sunshine, highs in the 70's, lows in the 60's. I have a warm, dry, pretty quiet place to sleep, I have food, and I'm making anough money to stay alive. Whatelse do you need? My soulmate will come back eventually,and my sailboat is steaming toward me like a locomotive. These be the good old days...