Responsibilities and Responsability

More than one person has commented to me in the last month that I have no responsibilities, and I feel like I may be missing some of their meaning. I'm kind of at a loss to see how my responsibilities have changed since I became homeless. I have a couple fewer bills, but I still have bills. I don't pay rent now, but I have to pay on the title loan on my truck and storage space rental every month. Atleast I am obligated to if I want to keep my truck and my things.

Responsibilities, to me, brings to mind being responsible to people. To family, friends, employers, and to/for yourself. I have no children. I am not married. So I guess I have fewer responsibilities than most people, but this was the case long before I thought about moving to Miami or becomming homeless. I want to go out on a limb and pose that the comments were made out of a belief that "responsibilities" make you a better person. I'm not sure that this is where any of the people who said this to me are comming from, but it kinda rings true. In that case "responsibilities" might mean something like having a "stable" job, owning a house, being married, and raising children.

I am in my late forties now, I've been divorced twice, have had two to three careers, depending on how you define the word, and am now quite happy with working in a restuarant and living in my truck. Many in normal society would call me a loser. I'm not anti-social, I'm extra-social, or maybe peri-social. I have chosen not to live by what is important to other people. I know I've talked about this already, but as I began redefining my values long before I moved down here, I started trying to explain this view point to other people, and I found it to be rather difficult. Communication is the burden of the communicator.

I want to live on a sailboat permanently, and travel until I feel like I want to stop. I don't want a career on land, I'm not inclined at the moment to have any children, and the only property I want to own, beyond clothing, etc., is a sailboat. That doesn't mean I am a flower-child, "living off the land", giving and receiving free love. No, a cup of coffee costs atleast 75 cents, and if I don't find something of value to give to humanity, humanity is not going to give me money to buy my coffee. Well, maybe I could beg spare change for coffee, but that's not where my head is either.

I value Quality and Service. I work hard and do a good job at whatever I do. I do it for myself, not for anyone else. That attitude, that I will do a good job, even if I can get away with doing a mediocre job, gives me pride and confidence in myself. I do things for others that no one will ever know I did. Not the recipient, nor anyone else. I do this because I believe in serving. I don't need the credit. If the world is a little bit better because of something I've done, then I get to live in a little bit better world. These are at the core of my existence, and have nothing to do with where I live or where I work, or even if I work. I also believe in walking the walk, not just talking the talk. I live what I believe, and let others get what they get from my example. Maybe I provide an example of what someone doesn't want to be. Maybe there are things that resonate with their own inner voice. I'm writing this blog because I don't expect to live through this again, and I want there to be a record. Also, because maybe some will find it interesting or enjoyable to read. I am human and make mistakes, I have ideals that I strive for, and fall short of. One of my favorite prayers I found on a bumper sticker. Please let me be the person my dog thinks I am. Remember, god is dog spelled backwards, and truth is where you find it.

So maybe wanting me to have responsibilities comes from loving me and worrying that my rejection of social values will lead to a rejection of moral values. Or maybe a fear that I will disappear from their lives.

When I was in my twenties, every fall, I felt an overwhelming urge to buy a motorcycle and drive to California. I resisted the urge, and my life has been what it has been. I recognize now that I am a traveler, the I Ching describes it as a wanderer. Its not romanticism, I just like meeting new people, seeing new things, and always learning. When things aren't always the same, its easier to find my own truth. So I'm not going to disappear, because relationships are important to me, and we have the internet and satelite telephones. And I'm not going to reject my moral values. On the contrary, this experience is making what is really important much clearer to me.
Among other things, one more spectacular moonrise. Time to go for a swim!