Negotiations

Well, today has been interesting. I am definitely spending a lot of time in my head at the moment self-justifying and self-bolstering, and I'll try to tell you about it as fairly as I can.

Just had a bit of a confrontation with the owner of my current place of employment. Yesterday, I told him I needed $100 for a bill that is seriously past due. That I understand and agree that I am only working for tips, but I have opened the restuarant every day for two weeks, for free, and I did not have good server shifts this week. Therefore, I would like to be paid $100 for the two weeks. He agreed, but didn't give me the money until today.

Tonight I waited to get my tips for the three most recent shifts I've worked. When he told me he was subtracting $100, I asked a new waitress, who is French, and very good at serving, to translate so I could explain my views and needs again. The owner and I both got a little frustrated and upset. I had to admit that I was sleeping in my truck, and even though he has bigger bills than me, I have no money for food. In the end he paid me for the shifts.

I told him I don't expect pay, that this was an emergency, and I would like to work Friday, Saturday, and Sunday double shifts as a busser, then as a server at night. He agreed, with the stipulation that I not smoke at work, and don't drink his alcohol after work. Seems pretty reasonable, right? So even though we are both under a lot of pressure, we expressed our individual viewpoints, and I hope came to an equitable agreement. I intend to uphold my end, and I have a feeling that he may do the same.

So tomorrow I only chew nicotine gum while I'm at work, and I don't get a shift drink. The shift drink is a pretty common, though not a universal practice. And honestly, I have abused the privelidge a couple times when the restuarant closes and becomes a club. I reasoned that giving me some free house vodka, which costs about $7/bottle was a small price to pay for quality service. Thing is, he didn't agree to it.

I'm still improving my understanding of this couple who own the restuarant. I'm still improving my understanding of myself. So, more humility today. Because of my behavior, the owners, bartender, and new waitress think I'm alcoholic, and now know I'm homeless without understanding the reasons. Maybe in time they will know, and maybe even respect what I'm doing. But for the next month or two, atleast, I will have to work hard to earn it.

I really don't worry too much about people respecting me. I don't accept abuse, and I don't have a lot of respect for most people anyway. I treat everyone with respect to the best of my ability, but again, I don't measure myself by the opinions of others. Yes, I have been drinking more than I want to. It helps me sleep in my truck, and deal with having very little money. I can hear someone saying "maybe if you didn't drink so much you would have more money". I respond that while this is true, part of being a healthy human being is creating a lifestyle that is sustaining. In a capitalist society, whatever you do costs money. I like to drink, write this blog, take photographs, meet new friends, and talk with old friends.

I spend $20 on my "binge" nights, usually only $3-$5. In my judjement, this is not outside of my budget. I recognize that I am creating a pattern of behavior that could become a habit, and self-destructive. And honestly, there is a small voice saying Edgar Allen Poe and Ernest Hemmingway, to name only two of the authors I admire, were both "alcoholic". But there is a stronger voice saying "I am getting healthier. Yes I am drinking now, and as I adjust my life to a more comfortable and sustaining routine, I will be drinking less, though I don't feel the need to ever quit completely".

So, I had to get over naming myself a homeless alcoholic vagrant. I had to think through my actions to be sure I didn't just con my boss out of $100. I am reminding myself of my voluntary obligations to not smoke at work, not drink there after my shift, and pay back the dollar I borrowed so I could buy cigarettes while I waited to get paid my tips.

The heat is the same, I got to sleep in the bed under the stars last night, but I'm expecting rain tonight. Fewer mosquitos in the cab, and the bites go away after a couple hours if you don't scratch. I'm going to treat myself to a slice of pizza tonight, 6 U$, I am down to my ideal weight now. Then I'm going to sleep hard. I'm tired.

What I learned today? If I make my needs known within the parameters of someone else's understanding of the universe, I can, maybe, negotiate mutually agreeable terms within a relationship. If I expect them to adapt to my universe, it's probably not going to happen. We'll see if I'm right or not. Still looking for a plan B...