What you feed will grow, part 2

Before I started work tonight, I was thinking about what I wanted to write after I finished. I decided I would make the subject "what you feed will grow", and I continued to mull it over and over, until it occurred to me that I think I have already used that title. So I searched my blog, and sure enough, it was a post from august 2010. Just about two months into my homeless-living-in-my-truck experience.

Things are different now, but the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Between then and now, I spent six months caretaking my friend's life while she was held first in jail, unjustly, and then in immigration detention. She finally was released, and I spent another three months nursing and supporting her until she was back to herself enough to kick me out. (I am so proud of her, I don't know if I could have re-cooped my own life as fast). The last three months have seen us transition from living together and seriously irritating each other, to living apart and maintaining a really cool and close friendship. Now that we don't have each other's neuroses in our respective faces, we are able to really enjoy the time that we choose to spend together.

So we were having dinner last night. We had just been disappointed again with a theft-of-wages hearing, and we were talking about what happens next. I told her how proud I am to be her friend, and how inspired I am to watch her artist inside come alive and come out, and really start producing some very cool pieces. She was still in a funk, and she replied "but that's only because of you" referring to how I try to support her. And I thought about that, a lot.

I have been helping her a lot. I do it because it makes me feel good. I like being considered strong and dependable. It is very different from my life just a few years ago. Yes, I have given her a good deal over the last year, but I think I have benefitted more than she has. She has a creative, artistic nature. I give her $20, and she finds a piece of someone else's trash, and converts into something worth $200-300. It is amazing.

And because I have chosen to support her, I have had to take care of myself. The first thing you learn in any medical or psychological or military profession is that you have to take care of yourself first. If you can't keep yourself healthy and strong, how can you expect to help anyone else become healthy and strong? It seems obvious, but so many people martyr themselves to get others to take care of them, instead of taking care of themselves. It is a subtle, but significant note on perspective in life.

So in the past three months, while my friend has regained her self, (she did all the work), I have turned my truck from a non-moving hazard into a solid and dependable form of transportation. There is still much to be done, but she (my truck) has definitely turned a corner. I was just given an awesome new, used bicycle. First owned by a japanese cycling enthusiast, then given to my israeli bartender friend; it is a touring bike, an itallian frame, very light, and very fast. She gave it to her boyfriend, who in turn, gave it to me after he bought a ducati (very high performance motorcycle). I put a little money into the bicycle to get it back on the road, and to make it secure, and I am totally happy with it.

I am in a cheap apartment. My new roommates and I have managed to struggle into a peaceful, moderately respectful, co-existence. The extra guys found their own apartment, got their car fixed, and have vacated the premises. The one remaining sicilian is young but hard working. Uncultured, but learning, and respectful. All 20 year old males have problems picking up after themselves. But don't think for a minute he's getting very much slack because of his age.

So I haven't saved much money yet. That was bothering me until I reflected on what I done over the past two months. I am actually building credit in life again. Not credit as in loans, but as in I have the tools I need to repair my truck and my bicycle, and my boat when it finally comes. You can't just leave on a circumnavigation on a whim, you have to provision first. Right now I am assembling the tools, the organization, the skills, and the relationships, that will move me onto a solid blue-water boat and get me safely from miami to san diego, via africa, india, australia, and hawaii.

Before I came back to south beach, I did my best to take care of a beautiful soul in a chihuahua's body named kenny, and a porch full of nice plants. Kenny got me here by giving up his life; a debt I can never repay. My plants, I think, have happy homes now. When I wrote that posting in august after I had just become homeless, I was feeding ideas. I had a vision, and not much else.

As I write this posting, I find I continue to feed the same ideas, but I am rich. I have tools and toys. And I have plans to get more of what I need so that I can better take care of those around me. My life has become heavier in that spiritual sense, and has materialized many of the things I knew would help me when I was lost in my addiction and depression. I have a long way to go, but I am now squarely on that road, trudging my way to happy destiny.

When it comes to money, and suburbia, and credit, I am still, as my friend says, seriously in the shit. But if you look at my standard of living, my relationships, and my ability to deal with life and it's ever changing stresses, I am rock solid. Yes, I still drink, I occassionally have altercations with others (nothing past verbal), but I do not use cocaine, and I do not hide from those who do choose to use. My peers, for the most part, love and respect me (as I do them), and I make new friendly aquaintences everyday. True friends are rare, but I have 3 or 4. Seriously, I am rich.

Two years ago I took a leap of faith... I jumped into the abyss and trusted that a net would appear. I am here now to tell you that it did. And the past two years have not been peaches and cream, crimson and clover. They have been hard, and everyday full of dhuki. But my higher power, the one I chose to form a personal relationship with, has never for an instant left my side. He carries me when I cannot carry myself. He does things that I cannot do for myself. And I do as much as I can for myself. I don't expect anything from anyone. But somehow, things ALWAYS work out. I have many to thank. I am almost always grateful (key word almost), bottom line though... find your own higher power, no matter what it is, and learn to trust it. Once you truely have that, you won't need anything else.

Things change. Every minute, every day. If you don't like things the way they are, change yourself, keep your head down, and wait for everyone else to dash themselves on the rocky cliffs of fortune. Keep your shit tight, and let others figure themselves out. That's my best advice at this point in my life. I hope it helps. Just don't forget that things change, and the more they change, the more they stay the same.

Cool breezes, and happy sailing!