No pictures til miami

I remember a girl when I was in high school. She had her nose pierced, and her family didn't watch tv. Let's see, this was in 1979, or maybe 1980, in Indiana. I liked her as a person, but I couldn't understand the no tv thing. What did she do?

Now I am the one who doesn't watch tv. When I left NYC almost six years ago I stopped watching cable. Mostly because I didn't want to pay for it. When the broadcast stations went digital last year, I stopped watching tv all together. Now my tv is in storage in georgia, I'm not even watching movies.

I used to be a news junkie. Then I met someone who refused to watch the news. That was a long time ago, but now I also notice that my life hasn't changed because I don't know what is going on in the koreas. I only mention that because I watched the news today about the artillery skirmish.

Today I watched the news several times, read the news, watched a couple sitcoms. And now I've just had enough. I don't feel any particular way about my family watching tv, it just isn't for me. I notice that I stop thinking when I watch. I identify with the characters in the shows and start feeling the emotions they feel. Except they aren't real, they are playing their roles, which are written to keep people watching, and so there is a kind of positive feedback system going where writers write to the emotions of their audience, and the audience watches what excites them the most.

I know that's an oversimplification, and really the thing that bothers me the most is getting my emotions from identifying with an actor, instead of interacting with the people around me. I am calmer, more stable, than I used to be, and I have more meaningful friendships.

I'm not saying anyone should stop watching tv, but I wonder what the world would be like if they did?

It is nice to be with family. I wish all my family could be in the same place at the same time. It is nice to sleep indoors, to eat without worring where I will poop in a few hours. I can drink as much water as I want because there is a bathroom no more than 20 m from me at all times. And that's good because I have some chest congestion and need to flush it out.

And also, I like my spartan lifestyle. I am happy where I am, and where I am going. My friend leaves Monday. That means I will see her again for a minute. Then I need to figure out where I will bivouac next. Someday it will be on a sailboat, and I will be figuring out where I will anchor next.

I am really happy to be with family, I don't resent them in the least for their success, quite the opposite, I am happy they have the comfort they do. And I am not worried about going back to my truck. I have a very good life. I think I am a good man. And I pray that I can continue to love and not resent, not hurt, not be jealous.

Tommorow is thanksgiving, my favorite holiday. I like to celebrate it everyday. Cold breezes tonight in philly, but I can't see the sky from my bed, I hope you sleep well tonight too.

C'est la vie

My friend is leaving. She is giving her jack russel puppy, Billy, to her "husband". Tomorrow morning I leave for philly. They will be gone when I get back.

My heart hurts. I have become very attached to Billy. I met him before he could see, when he was eating from a bottle. About six weeks old. Since then he has turned into a jack russel puppy. A mouth on legs, with sharp teeth. I want to take him, but I don't think it is right. I hate the thought of him living with a backward cracker from louisianna, but even backward crackers can love, and Billy will definitely keep him occupied. And I think he will take good care of Billy. And I just don't think it is right for me to take him, even though I want to so badly.

And I am going to miss my friend and her sons very much. And I know it isn't going to be easy for them in paris. No matter where you go, there you are. But her mom is there, she has an apartment there, and there is no language barrier. Funny that she doesn't like french people. She says they only care about themselves and their money. People from north africa,she says, take care of each other more. Maybe it is another example of how having money makes you want to protect it, and having no money makes you want to protect what really matters; friends and family.

I am blessed to have met her. She wants something to remember me by, and I have no idea what to give her. It's not like I have a lot of things in my truck that I dont need and use. I have about 12 square feet of storage space, and another 24 square feet to sleep in, sometimes covered.

So nothing stays the same. The only constant is change. Another chapter is about to start for me. I look forward to it with joy. I know god has good stuff in store for me. I have a lot to give, and he will bring the souls into my life who will gain from me, and I from them. That's how it works.

Oh yeah, if there is anyone who likes button flys, please tell me why. I have one pair of shorts with a button fly. I only wear them when I do laundry. I can't imagine why anyone would like them, except maybe young women because they are difficult to get into. Levi strauss has had them for a long time. It is the first thing I check when I buy jeans. Give me a nice zipper,and I am happy. Simple things for simple minds, right?

No worries. Clear skys and cool breezes make the heart happy. Keep the faith, and create love where you live.

Prime directive

Sometimes it seems like almost all the people in my life either have a big self that gets between us when we talk, or they want to change me somehow. Life is so much simpler when you let go of your self. Let go of wanting, trying to control, worrying. Just be, and be with those you choose to be with. Just be when you walk, when you talk, when you listen. Yesterday is history, and tomorrow's a mystery, so now is all we have. Stay there, it makes things easier for everyone.

And as far as changing me goes, forget it. Bigger men than you have tried and failed. It ain't gonna happen. I am who and what I am by choice, and my god says it is okay. So who do you think I'm going to listen to, the living force of all reality, or you?

My friend didn't go to train today. She said she was feeling too bad to stand all afternoon. She didn't call. She said she will go back to Paris. That's ok, I just feel sad because she is still feeling bad. And I am afraid that she is going to continue feeling bad instead of doing something about it. It sucks sometimes when people you love hurt themselves. But there's nothing I can do about it. I'm just sad that she's still not happy. She will figure it out though, and I will be her friend.

So, my life goes on. Life perpetuates itself. Living things heal themselves. I was serious about just being. One of my many mottos, most of which I have picked up from somewhere, is take only pictures, leave only footprints. I think that was the essence of the star trek prime directive, and maybe the oath doctors take... first do no harm. Hippocratic oath? Funny name.

It really does make life simpler. If you don't have to make anything happen, just suit up, show up, and trust in god, things work out. So I guess that's all I have to say tonight. Don't worry, be happy. Just be... here... now.

Funny...

If you don't get attached to results... if you say and act toward what you want and let god make things happen the way he wants, things work out so much better.

My friend is not 100% yet, but this morning I found her eating a banana and drinking tea without anyone asking her to. Tonight, she was herself again. She had decided to return to Paris. We talked about what was good about that decision, we talked about things she could do if she chose to stay here.

This morning before I left for work she told me they were leaving on the 25th. Thanksgiving. She would be gone before I returned from Philly. I told her cool. She said she would give me a key to her apartment so I could use it until the owner arrived from Austrailia mid-December.

I was so sad. I went to work knowing it was a good decision for her to go back, and knowing that I would be fine. I am a survivor; a cat, like my mom says, I always land on my feet. But it made me sad to think of not having my friend, my family anymore. I remembered losing Kenny, my sun-god chihuahua, and my soul-mate, the only woman I have ever shared real love with, and I felt old. Old, but grateful. These loves that I have been blessed with have given me so much. Self-respect, tolerance and patience for others, and an experience of love that I can give to others. Love without expectations. A simple joie de vive.

So, I haven't been able to figure out what anyone in this apartment wants. They keep their feelings close to their chests. I have been trying to get her oldest son to cut my hair for four days. He keeps saying ok, and never does it. So tonight I decided to cut my own damn hair. I have to learn how anyway, right?

So I'm about to go into the bathroom, and the phone rings. It is one of the places my friend applied, and they want her to come and train tomorrow. I cut my own hair. I only screwed it up a little over my left ear. Not too noticible, I think. After I shower, I find all three of them looking at apartments on the internet. They are smiling. I am happy. I haven't seen them act happy together for over a week.

So maybe they will stay. Maybe we will keep being a family for a minute. And maybe not. Only god knows, but I I know everything will be okay no matter what happens. God's will is perfect, god's will is sufficient. I want to live in his house.

Clear skys and cool salty breezes. No worries :)

Please do not bath, shave, or wash your clothes here

I just realized that I've only eaten one banana today, at about 10:30 this morning, and haven't really noticed my normal cognitive changes that come with hunger. I figure it's because my body is burning those extra couple pounds I picked up from eating pasta almost every day.

At my restuarant after we have set up, but before we open, they bring out a big bowl of pasta, and we all sit down at a table and eat together. I knew this was called family meal from other places I've worked, but this is the first time the name has had any meaning. And man, the pasta is always so good.

Anyway, I went to the library to find a manual for my phone online, but then inspected it closer with a flashlight. The insulation is peeling away from the cable that connects the screen to the body and rolls out when I slide open the keyboard. My phone is shorting out in the closed position. Can't afford to fix it yet, but soon, and I won't waste any more money on batteries.

I came back home and found my friend seriously upset. She still wasn't eating or drinking, and I called my cousin, the doctor (classic line, except I think it is my daughter or son, the doctor). By the time I was able to reach her, my friend had started drinking, was able to walk, and was pretty alert with clear speach. I thought before that I might have to call for paramedics. It was very reassuring to talk to my cousin, the doctor, and learn that my friend probably was going to be okay.

Still, I spent the rest of the day nursing her as she needed. Her "husband" came by a little while ago. I'm having some difficulty accepting this guy, but I recognize that I dont know everything. Just because I would kick the guy out of my life faster than you can say divorce doesn't mean that is what my friend should do. I only know what I can see, and I can't see everything. Clearly the situation was tense though, and I learned that my friend's blow up Sunday was directed at him, with the main thrust being leave me alone, so I stayed until he left.

Now I'm having a happy hour beer on an empty stomach. I decided to eat afterwards to maximize the effects of the beer. More buzz for my buck. And because I still wasn't really hungry and I've been getting fat again. OMG!

Well, be careful what you wish for. My short period of anxiety because everything was going so well is over. Even though my job is going great, my friend may go back to Paris at the end of the month so I might lose my most comfortable bivouac. I really like my living space at the moment, but I don't think I'm too attached to it. If she leaves and I have to move, I may go through a short period of discomfort, but I am certain I will be taken care of. God is moving me where he wants me, and if I have to leave, it just means this assignment is over.

I really like being with my friend and her family. I like playing with the puppy. And I'm sure there will be a new assignment quickly if this one ends. There are a lot of potential problems with me leaving this spot, but there's not much to be gained by going over them.

So I still expect to leave in four days, though I was wondering this morning. Still really looking forward to it, and am hoping to make enough money before then to have a key made for my truck. There will be only three days before the end of the month when I return, and if she leaves, I want to be able to leave too. I will.

I think a lot about the couple people who I know read this blog pretty regularly who aren't my parents. It must get kind of boring sometimes. Nothing much is moving right now, until recently, I mean. My boat is really nowhere in sight, but getting caught up on my bills is. How exciting. Is it weird to think my life is boring? Has to be a statement about human nature in there somewhere.

I'm running out of stuff to say tonight. I'm thinking about some food, and picking up some limes for my friend because she won't drink water, but she will drink limeade. That's not really so unusual, I had to get used to drinking a lot of plain water, but it is just so good for you.

The sign on the mirror is at the public library. There really are a lot of homeless people here. The city has to be one of few in the US with the problems that creates.

Re: No regrets

Stupid phone...

On Nov 18, 2010 8:24 PM, "mark kilburn" <mkilbu01@gmail.com> wrote:

I want to keep writing because I want to believe that someone benefits from knowing that someone else experiences the same kinds of challenges. And I need to let go of the idea that I am an oddity or a subject of study. I started writing this blog to share and record my experiences after I let go of nearly all of my support. I took a leap in faith, and I wanted to share what happened after.

I am still homeless after nearly four months. The first three were pertty challenging, but they made me trust god more than I ever have before. In the last month I have been adopted by a kindly stranger, her two sons, dog, cat, two kittens, and fish. I feel a little like a stray that has found a home. Sort of...

The experience has changed me. For the good I think, but for sure, I am not the same person who left Newnan, Georgia four months ago. I will see some of my family in less than a week, and I am looking forward to it. I love them, and like all family, there have been little chinks. I am really looking forward to seeing all of them again, and am anxious to see if I feel any differently around them.

My friend still hasn't regained her will to live. She is dehydrated, and resists drinking fluids. Today she told me she will go back to Paris. I told her fine, but she won't make it on to the plane if she doesn't start drinking to flush out the poisons. I also told her I am off tomorrow and intend to bother her all day to drink fluids. I wish I had a splif. That would help her right now. Oh well, guess it's not to be. She'll have to stay sober for a little while.

She isn't suicidal, she just has no desire to take on life at the moment. But there are signs of progress... she gave her son money to go to the store today. Atleast I think she did. He may have just taken the money. I hope not. She also drank about 200 ml of some fruit juice I made for her. But that was all...

Tomorrow I am off. I need to go to the library so I can access the service manual for this phone and try to fix the darn thing. And I need to try to convince my friend that if she doesn't replace her fluids orally, eventually someone is going to do it for her intravenously. And that will have associated, undesirable consequences. It is her choice, I just hope she chooses to pick up the fight again, because she now has a pretty resourceful ally; yours truly.

I think I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. I feel that as strongly as ever, actually. I am still aiming for the boat, but in the mean time, god has put someone in my life who seems to be needing a little help. And he seems to be giving me the resources to help. So, that's what I will do to the best of my ability until it is done. And eventually, I will get the boat. And I will get the physicians assistant lisence, and I will find a community that needs me. And until then I will serve great Itallian food at a reasonable price to people who are happy to pay for my fantastic service.

And I will visit the ocean, dance to reggae, and smoke pot whenever I feel like it. But mostly, I will be grateful for a dry place to sleep, good food, good friends and family, and a chance to give some of my blessings back to others. Funny, I just had the thought that if somehow I could read what I just wrote when I was a teen-ager I would wonder how I could be so deluded. And if I could talk to myself now as a teen-ager, I would say keep fighting, don't settle for anything less than the truth. No regrets.

Let the sun shine in

This morning she sat up, but wasn't real clear. Her words were slurred. She spent a lot of time texting. Tonight she was dressed, much more alert, but still nauseous and achy. Her lower back was hurting. Kidneys. She apparently really took a lot of pills. It wasn't a suicidal gesture, she said she's taken a lot more in the past, just needed to check out for a minute.

Today her "husband" called emergency, a cop and an ambulance came. She was cognizant enough to make them go away. I guess that was an hour before I came back from work. She had had a cup of tea, and drank most of a lemonade before she started to doze and I left.

We talked about the father of her youngest child. We talked about where she could look for a job. She's kind of fixed on the father sending money. He hasn't been in his son's life, he has two other kids with his wife in New York. She talked about lonely christmas's with no presents for her kids, about restuarant owners and managers not liking her color or her face, about a birthday party where she worked once where there were 10 people celebrating, and how she didn't think 10 people would come to a party for her.

I'm really glad she talked. I have had some experience with depression, and I know one way out is to fight. To move, talk, be active, and keep doing it until you finally notice that you felt some happiness for a second. Once that happens, you know how you are supposed to feel, and it is easier to stay out of that hole.

I don't know what she needs to do. I told her I would help with rent, but if she stays, she has to find a job. I can't afford her rent, and no one else is going to pay it. I don't know what will happen, or what is best for her. I do know she is my friend, she is like family right now, and I will help however I can. I know something now about being responsible for myself. About dealing with the consequences of my decisions. Not that I didn't do that before I came here, but since I've come back I've learned that I am taken care of. Sometimes that care comes from people you love, sometimes it comes straight from god.

This is my friend who gave me $100, totally unsolicited, when I was unemployed and waiting to start a new job. She hadn't been working for a month, and she gave me this money. Between that, some money my mom sent (which, by the way, she didn't have either), and a fantastic care package from my brother, I made it through my tough spot, and could afford dinner for my friend's children last night. The people who helped me the most were the ones who could afford it the least. Their hearts moved them to help me. And because they did, I have an opportunity to do the same.

My friend is a mess right now. And it is my clear intention to find her in the jungle of her depression and substance abuse, hold her hand, and help her find her own way out. My heart moves me.

I can't change anyone. Not my friend, not my dad, not my family. What I try to focus on is doing my best to follow my higher power, and not my self. No one needs to change to make me happy. God's will is perfect, god's love is sufficient. When I get angry or stressed, bad things happen. I lose money; whether it is by losing my keys, making mistakes on checks, or dropping envelopes with money orders in them, when I get upset things go wrong. When I accept and adapt, I overcome, and things go well. When I allow people in my world to be who they are with all their imperfections, beautiful things happen. Now if I can do this with my dad, I will probably die because there will be nothing left for me to learn.

And the other thing is that I don't have to justify myself to anyone. The last four months have made it so much easier to see the beauty of how spirit moves. I still don't claim to be a guru, or enlightened, or anywhere close, but I do see that things don't bother me so much anymore. I don't want much. I hold my friend in my thoughts, and I pray that I can help, but I don't define what that means. It is much better to be myself and observe how things change. I let god manage my life much more now, I learned a long time ago that I'm not qualified for that job. And for sure, no one else is.

So, if you prayed for my friend, thank you. It seems to have helped.

Nude personal photos?

How did I manage to get that link, and how can I get more like it? :)

Please pray for my friend

Ok, first I have to say that if something bigger than me is speeding towards me, like a car, I don't walk in front of it... if I buy a coffee, I am cautious with the first sip... if there is a hole in the sidewalk, I am smart enough to walk around it. Americans kill me with their overabundance of caution, and what logically comes next, their legislation of morality. We treat our populace like a bunch of children, and we are surprised when they act that way... and pissed when they don't. I really can't wait to leave this country. On the other hand, without exception, travelers from other countries remark on how helpful Americans are. How did I get here, and what am I supposed to do?

I'm only writing because I really need to. My friend has lost it. Sunday night she screamed for a couple hours and broke I don't know how many plates. I checked in, only to find her "husband" trying to calm her down, and her youngest son trying to get her to be herself. I left, and didn't intrude for two days. This morning, as I was about to leave for work, she walked out to my truck, wearing only a sheet, to get her puppy. She told me that Sunday night she had taken too many OTC sleep aids, and didn't wake up until then. I went to work after I put her puppy inside for her.

Tonight the apartment was still dark. I knocked, and talked to her sons for a minute. They told me she was still sleeping, and hadn't eaten since Sunday. They agreed to let me buy us all some chinese take-out. My friend sat up long enough to take about four sips of sprite, then was out again for the hour or so that I was there. We ate. Her youngest said he had indeed gone to school. I made sure the puppy ate, and gave him lots of love. Poor guy, I don't think he ate for three days either. Last time I saw him he was puppy fat. Tonight, I could see his ribs. Almost made me cry.

Anyway, I can't blame my friend for losing it. I don't know if I could handle the pressure of having two sons, who've been taken away from me once before, being unemployed, in a foriegn country, with no real friends (except one homeless guy), owing two months rent, and not having enough money to buy three tickets to go home to a place that was full of very bad things the last time I was there, so I don't really even want to go, but if not, how will it feel for me and my two children to live on the street? And I can't get a job because I don't have permission to work, and the only places that will let me work off the books won't hire me because I'm not white or black?

So I can hear voices... some say maybe she needs to lose her kids and her apartment again, maybe she needs to be homeless so she can finally accept the consequences of her decisions... also, maybe I need to help her so I don't lose my cush parking spot... maybe I can be her knight in shining armour... maybe I should get away from this person who is so clearly disturbed...

And do you know what I feel? Calmness and concern. Because I have been there. I know how it feels to prefer to check out rather than suffer the stress of what I have created. But it isn't just what I have created. I mean, yeah, ultimately I create or allow just about everything in my life. But there is also chance. And that is god's pervue. Sometimes, the breaks fall wrong. In her case, she has been blatantly discriminated against, and she is too proud to accept, adapt, and overcome. She doesn't accept that people can be really ugly. She thinks accepting that means she is ugly. Or something like that. She doesn't walk away from bigots, she keeps comming back, ignoring their biggotry. You have to admire that a little, right?

But it has gotten her into a self-imposed coma. But she is out of drugs. I really wish now that I had picked up some weed for her, it would make this a little easier. I guess god will provide what she needs. She has me until noon tomorrow, then I go to work. She has egg drop soup, a sprite, and an egg roll when she wakes up tonight in the middle of the night. I hope she consumes them all and goes back to sleep. Your body needs nourishment and rest after you screw it up with drugs.

And I hope she will hear me when I tell her that I've been in similar spots. And I hope god will speak through me and give her something to hold on to in this life. Some hope.

This woman took me in and gave me a home. I owe her. More than that though, god brought me to this situation. I feel so different now than I did before. I have no desire to use drugs, and I feel very little need for myself. I mean I do get fearful sometimes, but I survived basic training, and I've survived being homeless for four months. And I actually think I have gained three or four pounds. OMG, I'm getting fat again! Just kidding. But I am comfortable, and I don't think I get to be comfortable for very long anymore. I think I have surrendered my life to god, and he takes that seriously. Don't think I have to worry about getting fat. if you are fat, you are thinking about yourself too much. That isn't a put down, it is a suggestion. You don't need as much as you think you do. Get involved with one or two people around you who you don't want to help, and you will be surprised what you learn.

But I digress... my friend is in a coma. I hope she comes out tomorrow, and that I know what to say to her when she does.

I guess that's about all I have to say. I am grateful that my self isn't intruding in my life too much anymore. Only this nagging irritation with my father. Well, what can I do? He is what he is, I am what I am. I guess I should keep trying to accept him, even though he will never accept me. Or maybe I need to try to accept that I will never be accepted by him.. or truly by his family either. Ok, that I think I can deal with. I can still love them even though they will never get me. I just hope karine can get me. God help me please.

Whatever...

Life is difficult. The Indians call it dukhi, pervasive unhappiness. On a personal level, my hemmorhoids bother me all the time, my phone's battery can't hold a charge, I can't see anything without my reading glasses... I'm sure you can make your own list.

Everyone I know has stuff they are dealing with. I know because they all have their own craziness. One waitress sings too loud, off key, for the entire time we are setting up the restuarant. Another comes to work hungover and talks nonstop about sex and g-spots, and whether she is lesbian or not. The manager is addicted to Italian soccer. The bartender is anal. If you have ever worked in a restuarant, you know what I mean...

We all have our own shit to live through. Actually, we all create our own shit. You choose your problems. It is true.

And there is also a pervasive goodness. I don't know the Indian word for it... surely there must be one. Each of these crazy people has a spirit... an inate goodness that is clear and easy to see. That is the person I look for. Some people won't talk to you from their good spot. Some will. As a rule, pretty much, I only talk to people's good spot. If you come to me as a crazy person, I will agree with you. That's the best way I have found to deflect craziness. But then I will avoid you until you find your good spot.

And there is so much Good. Life is full of dukhi, and full of Good. Which would you rather attend to? It is a choice.

I am basically homeless. I have a friend who let's me stay in her parking spot, make coffee in her apartment in the morning, and shower pretty frequently. I consider myself blessed. I don't want anything I don't have. Desire is the root of unhappiness. I could focus on what I don't have, but what you feed will grow, so I focus on the fact that I really have everything I need.

In about a week I am going to spend five days with people who have a home. These people love me, but they don't understand what I am doing. They don't understand my choices, or my lifestyle. I am going so I can see my grandmother. Grandma Ginnie. She is a witch and a saint. She makes the wives of all Kilburn men cry, and she keeps the family together. I really hope it is not true, but this may be the last time I see her.

I love my family, and they don't understand me. I should say that I love my paternal family, and they don't understand me. My maternal family definitely gets it. Go figure. Did you ever notice that the people who have the least money are the best tippers?

My battery needs to be replaced, that's the primary reason I haven't posted lately. I'm also pissed off at my father still, and really don't want him to know how I'm doing. So if you read this, I still cast shame on you. I will get a new battery in a couple days.

I don't think I have anything else to say. I just wanted to communicate that I am still grateful. God is taking care of me, and my life is still hard, just like yours. Be well, be happy, listen to reggae when you can, and make love be in the space you occupy. What else are you here for?

Clear skies, cool salty breezes, and a very nice splif for you and me. What else do you need?

Leach is to Cotton as....

Well, there are a few minor frustrations in my life now, so I am happy. I have been homeless, living in my truck in Miami Beach, mostly by choice, but even if I chose to have a roof, I don't have enough money yet, for over three months, and my biggest concerns are my lost keys and my malfunctioning phone.

My keys dropped out of a hole in my pocket about a week and a half ago. I know where I was walking and have retraced my steps probably 10 times now, not including just looking whenever I am on any part of that route. It will only cost about $150 to get a new key made, but I have bills to pay, and I don't really need to drive anywhere. My biggest concern about that is killing my battery before I get a replacement key. So I crawl through the back window whenever I can instead of opening the door and turning on the dome light.

My phone started to freak out last night. Through much experimentation, I have discovered that there seems to be a short in the flip mechanism that opens up the keyboard. It works open, if I try to view the screen closed though, I get a blank screen. My battery is also not charging properly or holding a charge. The phone is almost two years old, and it has survived over three months in a homeless environment pretty well, considering that it is really a miniature computer. My contract ends in february. There is a new generation now, and I think my next phone needs to be able to use satelites... for when I'm sailing in the Carribean next year and want to stay in touch....

I am concerned about my closest friend here. She still hasn't found a job, and if nothing happens she will have to give up her apartment in less than three weeks. She is scared, and I admire her courage. I want to pray for her to find a good job, but maybe she is supposed to be somewhere else. So I pray that god's will be done, and that I be shown how I can help. I do what I can to be a good friend.

Same at work. There is no drama, just a bunch of people living. I'm just being the best waiter and bartender I can be, and helping where I can. And I am so thankful to not just have a job, but a really good job that I love and understand (lynrd skynrd referrence...)

I have a great friend in Newnan named Kelly Leach-Cotton. She thought I was going to talk about her in my last post (cotton in my ears), so I have to say a word here. Her blog is the one I follow, waiting for tips, though I don't read it as much as I would like - limited battery life. Anyway, she has a great outlook on life, and is very fun to read, so check it out. If you want to come to SoBe Kelly, I can probably get you a job. You just have to try carpaccio :)

On the way to work this morning, it occured to me that I am 47 years old, and I still haven't grown up. I am living in neverneverland, and I am happy. I am not afraid to die, and when I eventually do, I will feel as though I have lived well. The only thing I am afraid of is getting old, and as long as I don't let that happen, everything will be ok. I may look old, I may act old... if going to bed early and not chasing women all the time is acting old, but I will pretty much always laugh at a good joke, share joy with dogs and babies, and smoke pot when I feel like it.

The winter weather pattern has started, hurricaine season is over. We get a cold spell after the wind shifts around the compass from East to North for two to four days, then it warms up again. I am wearing shorts and a thermal top in November, and I am about to go to the beach to commune with the ocean. Everything contains the seed of it's opposite. God is either everything or nothing. And love is all there is.

Clear skys and cool salty breezes!

Cotton in my ears

Thank goodness for modern technology. I forgot about the end of daylight savings time until I was walking home after work and noticed it seemed darker than usual. My phone automatically fell back last night and got me to work on time. No one mentioned it all day, and I wonder if anyone else even noticed.

It got cold here very suddenly. Literally from one day to the next. The low Wednesday was around 72, Thursday it was around 52. Crazy. Fortunately, I have my magic blanket and a sleeping bag that my brother sent in his care package, and I have been toasty. I only have one warm shirt though (which he also sent), the rest of my warm clothes are still in storage in Newnan. The job I have now is the one I expected to have no more than a month after I got here.

But as I write, sitting in the bed of my pick-up, I am sitting on my magic blanket, leaning back against my rolled up sleeping bag, and wrapped in my fleece sheet that I haven't used since Wednesday. And I find I am a little glad to be a little uncomfortable. It seems to reassure me to find comfort in the face of adversity. If there is no adversity, I start getting nervous, wondering what's going to happen next.

My job is good. The food is as good or better than the place I worked in Newnan, and that place impressed me. But here, the menu can be more cosmopolitan, and it is owned by a guy who owns four other restuarants. So the place is set up to run well, and it is managed by a manager, not the owner. Makes life much less stressful. Seriously, I feel like I am in restuarant heaven now. I survived restuarant hell, and I guess the restuarant gods decided to smile on me. Thank you reastuarant gods.

I still have the cotton in my ears- that feeling of serenity, most of the time, that somehow allows me to not be bothered by most of the stuff that used to bother me. It's all still here; the self-centered waitresses, the people who stand and talk in doorways, the vampires who want to live by taking my vital essence. It just doesn't trigger me much anymore, or not for very long. No, what I worry about is that my incredibly blessed, comfortable, and joyful life will somehow come to an end.

And sometimes I worry that it will never end; that I will never get the boat, and will always live in my truck. Isn't that funny?

I haven't had as much to say lately. I wonder if it because I am getting comfortable, and don't have so much to deal with, or because I am changing. Maybe it's both. I haven't had a lot of time to take pictures, and now I hate posting without atleast one. That's a good excuse.. :)

Thanksgiving is only a couple weeks away, and I am going to visit family. I will actually sleep in a bed, under a roof, and eat good food and be around "normal" people for like five days. That's gonna be weird. I'm really looking forward to it.

After only a week, I am close to being caught up on my bills again... uh-oh.

Reggae tomorrow night, but not until 5 am, I have to work in the morning. Thank you god.

Food is love, right?

I want my kitchen back. I am becoming a little too civilized, I think. I am getting spoiled by having a dry air mattress to sleep on, undisturbed by mosquitos, showers in a bathroom two or three times a week, and enough privacy that it feels like I have my own bedroom.

I have a great job in a very cool restuarant, in the most popular area of south beach. I think I will make enough to pay my bills starting now, and enough to buy a boat before too long.

I had the day off today. I did laundry, read a mystery novel I checked out from the library, and went to scout out locations for a boat. Actually the boat location was easy; just a protected spot to drop a couple hooks. I found a place where atleast one person living aboard was anchored. What I was really looking for was a place to dock a dinghy, and chain a bicycle. And I found a couple spots where inflatables had been tied, and chained, off. There was a bicycle secured near one of the spots too. Voila.

Today I thought about how to improve my diet. Not easy with no kitchen, and limited resources. See, I can cook, pretty well in fact, and cheap too. When I had a kitchen, I spent an average of $3-5 for a dinner, less than $10 per day, and I ate very good, tasty, healthy food. With no kitchen, I can eat healthy for $2, but it isn't very tasty; a cold can of tuna, another of black beans, and a banana. Hot food costs atleast $5.25. Best I've found so far is Boston Market, but it's far away, and it bugs me to spend that much. So in my twisted logic, I walk five blocks and buy subway for $9. Doesn't make much sense when I write it down. I wasn't drinking either, I just have a disconnect at the moment between my logic and my stomach. I'll work it out.

I have been living in my truck now for over three months. I have been aquiring knowledge and skills that will help me be comfortable when I finally get to liveaboard. Now I have a job that may bring enough money to buy a boat. I haven't even begun to save though, so this is going to take some patience.

I am really ready for a little stability.