I don't know if it ever became Nicole, but a tropical system has dumped water on Miami Beach all day long. The owners closed the restuarant, which is good; I was taking the day off anyway. I slept more than an hour later, and it was sooo nice.
I started the day thinking about how I have been focused on survival for so long, and now I know I will survive no matter what... god willing, and the creek don't rise. I flirted with getting melancholy and depressed earlier, and realized that those feelings are a luxury. You can't spend the time being depressed when you are scrambling to make sure you can eat tonight. But now that I know I will live for as long as god wills it, I start to think about how will I get my sailboat. Will I get my sailboat? Will I EVER get my sailboat?
And I begin to apply the very serious, in-my-face, lesson that I have just learned about food, wine, and cigarettes, to my sailboat. Believing something is one thing, KNOWING it is another. Once in an AA meeting, this old, cantancerous alcoholic with about a hundred years of sobriety told me that god knows what I need before I do. So if I know I will eat today, tomorrow, and the next day because I get what I need, is it such a leap to believe that if I need a sailboat, I will have one? And because things happen when they are supposed to ($30 yesterday, 10 minutes before I needed it) is it so hard to believe that when it's time for the sailboat, one will appear?
When I decided to stay in Miami Beach, I surrendered control of my life. What would happen if everyone just stopped doing what people told them they were supposed to do, and started doing what they felt they were meant to do? Can you imagine? Anarchy. The world banking system would collapse, stock markets would go crazy.... but you know what? I would bet my bottom dollar that plants would continue to grow, and people would continue to harvest them, and sell them. Trade would continue, and because some people love to fly airplanes, I would also bet that the world could continue as it is for the most part.
There would be some glitches. Who are the most dissatisfied people you know? Fast food workers and DMV staff for me. So we would lose Big Macs and lisence plates. Hmm...
Ok, I know I've gone off a little here, but it was to emphasize a point. If you don't like what you are doing, change it! If you leap, a net will appear. Trust me, I know, I did it. But let me make this clear, each of us has our own lessons to learn. Are you ready to start learning? Can you take the first step, whatever that is?
I am sitting in the bed of my truck in a parking space that someone else pays for, riding out a tropical storm. You decide how far you are willing to go to live as you believe you are meant to. For me, I bet my life on my faith, and it has only grown stronger.
I was depressed for most of my life. I think I was supposed to meet Scott, and I am supposed to do this walk. I disrupted the sleep of many of the people who are now reading this blog when I thought killing myself was a good idea. If I had a sailboat now, I might be in Jamaica instead of reconnecting with Scott, and with an organization that makes sense, on the surface atleast. We will see... it doesn't end until you die I think... I hope. If I can help someone who is thinking about sticking their head in an oven after they've spent every last penny they have on drugs for one last good high, then I am happy to wait a little while for my sailboat.
Clear skys, and cool breezes...
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