Everything will be ok

Sometimes you just know something is right. I'm not sure how many other people get this feeling, but for me it feels like clouds disappear in my mind, and something is suddenly so obvious, I wonder why I didn't see it before.

This happened for me last night. I realized that it is time to go get my things out of storage. I am committed to my next home being a boat, so there is no reason to keep the things I have for my apartment. Of course I will keep my kitchen stuff because I love to cook, and I will have a kitchen on my boat. Actually, a galley... Some things, like my books, I will keep forever, and will put them in a smaller, cheaper storage space here. I will sell most of my things, and that will give me some money to make my truck more comfortable, and pay off some of that title loan. I had the same feeling when my friend told me I had to come back to Miami Beach.

I don't have the same feeling about the restuarant where I am working. The owners are trying to sell it to a group of investors that the promoter has pulled together. Remember? Creating money... anyway, the owners are getting more and more crazy, in that they don't take care of, or manage the restuarant, and they blame all the staff for the lack of business. Don't forget we are in the middle of hurricaine season, European season is over, kids are back in school, and it is still REALLY hot. They haven't noticed the repeat business I have been getting, and today scolded us because we don't get repeat business. I could keep going, but what I want to say is that I don't KNOW what is the best thing to do. Sometimes you have to tolerate some pain and confusion (dhuki).

Today was a good day for me. The waitress who I have trouble working with came after being gone all week, and we had only two tables between 8 and 3pm. It was a good day because, since she was there, I could take off from about 10 until 2. I collected enough money form my recent tips to pay the intrest on my title loan, like I promised, and I got a couple tables after three who gave me enough cash over tips to buy my food, wine, cigarettes until tomorrow. It happens EVERY day.

When I was on my break, I went to the library where I planned to work on this blog a little, but before I did, checked on storage space and looked at one place for a cap for my truck. I sat down to smoke before going in, and got an email. It was from the woman who is my soulmate. So I got to spend two hours talking to her by email, when I normally would have been standing on the sidewalk, in the heat, waiting for tables that never came.

This relationship is another thing that my family, and the most of the rest of the people I know think I am crazy for participating in, yet, I KNOW it is right, even if I don't know when I will ever see her again. I don't think I really want to share too many details in this forum, at this time. It is just another thing that I do because it is right even though most people think it is wrong.

This lesson is profound for me. I am free to be myself, to do what I believe is right, and live the way I want to live because I now KNOW someone is taking care of me. Ask anyone in my family, and they will tell you that I have always done what I want to do. And it is true. And also, up to this point, even though I've always followed my inner voice, I have not trusted it, and have maybe not been able to always discern want versus need. And also, I have needed to feel that someone will always take care of me, and I have created many situations with different people to try to find that someone. Much to the consternation, and sometimes anguish, of those people, and myself too.

I wish I could give this knowing to all of the people who read this. I believe it is there for you as much as for me. I told you, I'm not special. Maybe you already KNOW it :) . But for me, I had to become homeless and hungry for one day to finally begin to trust that everything will be ok.