Movement and dog love

Labor day weekend was disappointing. Instead of making enough to pay all three bills, I barely made enough to pay one. But now I have enough to pay my phone bill again, so I can stay connected for one more month. My status at my restaurant is evolving; first I worked two to three shifts, then I worked atleast seven a week as a busboy, now I work seven a week as a waiter.

I think I was just visited by kenny. I'm lying here on the beach on my stomach writing, and I hear this snorting/panting getting loud very fast. Its dark, so I didn't have time to identify the source until a pug was litterally in my face. She was clearly happy, and I was too, to pet her, and she just lied down and rolled over on to her back right under my chin. I love dog energy.

My mom suggested that I have the idea that I find enough to not just survive, but to thrive. It makes sense, and I think I'll try it. What I have learned in the past six weeks though, has really gone to my core, and I'm not sure I've finished the lesson yet. I feel some shame in admitting this, but for much of my life, in many ways, when I have gotten into trouble, usually financially, I have atleast wanted, and several times looked for, someone to rescue me. To take care of me. When I was younger, I felt like my parents owed it to me, they created me, afterall. As I got older, I recognized that as an adult I was responsible for myself. But still, I felt like the deck was stacked against me from the start, and my family should help me out. This conflicted with my desire to be self-sufficient, and I spent a lot of energy trying to reconcile the conflict. All the while continuing to get into difficult situations. I think that what I am learning now is that I don't need anyone else to rescue me. That I am following my inner voice, my higher power, and I am being taken care of.  And I am deadly serious about the taken care of part. I said it before, I ALWAYS have enough. I don't need anyone else to rescue me, to "bail me out". I took a leap of faith that most people thought was foolish, risked hunger, risked becoming a vagrant who moves trash around, and have been lifted up. I'm still living in my truck, but my conditions are steadily improving. My last post was titled there but for the grace of god... well, grace has kept me alive and sane and healthy and loving very clearly for six weeks today. And I think I'm starting to trust it. I didn't freak out on Monday and ask my family to pay my phone bill, and today I have enough to pay it. I'm not going to freak out about losing my stuff or my truck. If I am supposed to keep them, I will be able to pay for them. The thing about lessons though, from my experience, is you don't know you're learning until you've learned. And you keep getting the same lesson until you've learned it. So we will see...

Thriving is an interesting idea. For awhile, abundance consciousness was a big thing. Believing that there is enough for everybody in the universe. I definitely agree. The part I didn't agree with was who defines what is enough. Is there enough in the universe for me to have a 45 foot sailbout? I don't really need a 45 foot sailboat, and in fact that would probably be bad for me. I don't know how to sail a boat that big, you get charged by the foot in most nautical fees, and I'm only five foot nine inches. I thought I wanted a 35 foot boat, but now I'm thinking a 22 or 26 footer is within reach in the next few months, and that should give me plenty of room. Now the length of the boat is proportional to how large a wave it can comfortably sail through. Smaller boat, smaller waves. So maybe I won't sail to Spain in a 22 footer, or maybe I will, or maybe I will find the perfect boat at the perfect time, and maybe I will own more than one in my lifetime. We humans have the tendancy to take really good ideas and distort them to fit our conceptions of how things are, or "should be", rather than trying to understand the idea and let it change our self's.

I just might be thriving already. As my Mom pointed out, I am outside, in touch with the sea and nature almost all the time, and I like it. I am growing in my work, I am maintaining more friendships, my body is healthier, and I am shedding beliefs that have stood in my way in the past. I consider all of these things blessings, even though sometimes they can be difficult.

So maybe what I'm really learning is that the universe, not me, defines what is enough, and gives it to me. Remember, desire is the root of unhappiness. But also, if I don't move, I don't change. So I'm trying to keep moving toward what I think is good for me, and making the best of what comes to me.

What is my purpose? That's god's decision, not mine.