I sttand corrected

She is not black, she is a mix of black and white. To the blacks, she is white. To the whites, she is black. It is important to her. To me, she is just beautiful.

Pigeons

I have a very good friend here. This is the woman who let's me park in her parking space on weekends, and when it is raining. She would be fine with me parking there all the time. She let's me brew coffee in her apartment if I want in the morning, and she continues to insist that I use her shower, even though I don't.  She says she has no car, she doesn't pay for the water, and the electricity to run the coffemaker is pennys.

She has two sons. 13 and 19. She is French, black, and lesbian. She has made me a part of her family despite my lack of money, my unusual lifestyle, and my reluctance to be tied to anyone. Her boys are beautiful. The oldest is clearly a good man. The youngest is gentle and polite, except when he wants to go to the beach in a tropical storm, and he has to do his homework instead. But he did it, and he got to go to the beach. The three of them were a sight, comming back at night, soaked, with huge grins. I was writing my blog in the bed of my truck.

She married this guy so she could get permanent residence. I did the same thing a long time ago, except I was in love. Actually, I've met him, and I think he is in love. As much as he's able to be. I've actually met him several times, and I can't help wondering why she would let him be part of her life. Women, I have learned, will do crazy things if they think it will benefit their children.

All this really is neither here nor there. I am writing about it because I was sitting at my favorite sidewalk pizza place having a slice, when he approached me and put a newspaper infront of me. He said this is what he has been going through, and still is. It was a copy of the most recent New Times, the local rag. The article was about how he got ripped off for about five months by a restuaranteur and a landlord. I couldn't help wondering why he let it go five months, and why he was surprised that people wanted to take his money from him.

But I was also bothered by him passing by. He passed by my friend's apartment yesterday too while I was having a cup of coffee on her porch. Then he sent her 19 text messages over two hours. This woman is my friend. This man is a stalker, a liar, stupid, and who knows what else.

So what is this all about? I have a lovely friend who I admire and respect. She is sufferring the consequences of a poor choice. Her poor choice has decided he needs to figure out what part I play in his life. I want no part of his life. But I am also not about to abandon my friend. This is how things begin. New people come in to my life, they bring their stuff, I bring mine.

I sold $400 today, and had no bartender,and no busboy, so I get to keep all my tips. Atleast I'd better. One day after Nicole and the skys are clear, the breeze is cool. I haven't been exercising enough, and I continue to smoke. There's more going on there to explore.

I'm going to try to attach a copy of the article, if you're interested, and I had a really good time sharing my pizza with a pigeon. Stay happy, what else would you want to be?

http://www.miaminewtimes.com/2010-09-30/news/starlite-cafe-employees-cry-scam/

Who'll stop the rain?

I don't know if it ever became Nicole, but a tropical system has dumped water on Miami Beach all day long. The owners closed the restuarant, which is good; I was taking the day off anyway. I slept more than an hour later, and it was sooo nice.

I started the day thinking about how I have been focused on survival for so long, and now I know I will survive no matter what... god willing, and the creek don't rise. I flirted with getting melancholy and depressed earlier, and realized that those feelings are a luxury. You can't spend the time being depressed when you are scrambling to make sure you can eat tonight. But now that I know I will live for as long as god wills it, I start to think about how will I get my sailboat. Will I get my sailboat? Will I EVER get my sailboat?

And I begin to apply the very serious, in-my-face, lesson that I have just learned about food, wine, and cigarettes, to my sailboat. Believing something is one thing, KNOWING it is another. Once in an AA meeting, this old, cantancerous alcoholic with about a hundred years of sobriety told me that god knows what I need before I do. So if I know I will eat today, tomorrow, and the next day because I get what I need, is it such a leap to believe that if I need a sailboat, I will have one? And because things happen when they are supposed to ($30 yesterday, 10 minutes before I needed it) is it so hard to believe that when it's time for the sailboat, one will appear?

When I decided to stay in Miami Beach, I surrendered control of my life. What would happen if everyone just stopped doing what people told them they were supposed to do, and started doing what they felt they were meant to do? Can you imagine? Anarchy. The world banking system would collapse, stock markets would go crazy.... but you know what? I would bet my bottom dollar that plants would continue to grow, and people would continue to harvest them, and sell them. Trade would continue, and because some people love to fly airplanes, I would also bet that the world could continue as it is for the most part.

There would be some glitches. Who are the most dissatisfied people you know? Fast food workers and DMV staff for me. So we would lose Big Macs and lisence plates. Hmm...

Ok, I know I've gone off a little here, but it was to emphasize a point. If you don't like what you are doing, change it! If you leap, a net will appear. Trust me, I know, I did it. But let me make this clear, each of us has our own lessons to learn. Are you ready to start learning? Can you take the first step, whatever that is?

I am sitting in the bed of my truck in a parking space that someone else pays for, riding out a tropical storm. You decide how far you are willing to go to live as you believe you are meant to. For me, I bet my life on my faith, and it has only grown stronger.

I was depressed for most of my life. I think I was supposed to meet Scott, and I am supposed to do this walk. I disrupted the sleep of many of the people who are now reading this blog when I thought killing myself was a good idea. If I had a sailboat now, I might be in Jamaica instead of reconnecting with Scott, and with an organization that makes sense, on the surface atleast. We will see... it doesn't end until you die I think... I hope. If I can help someone who is thinking about sticking their head in an oven after they've spent every last penny they have on drugs for one last good high, then I am happy to wait a little while for my sailboat.

Clear skys, and cool breezes...

Tropical Storm Nicole

My sales are still good, even though Tropical Storm #16 (soon to be Tropical Depression Nicole) put a crimp in things today. The owners are being nice to me now, and frankly, it creeps me out. Tomorrow the prospective buyers are supposed to come to the restuarant for a sit-down. Everyone keep your fingers crossed...

T.S. 16 had me a little down earlier. My friend's parking space is only partially covered, so even if I park there, I will still have to sleep in the cab. But, if I back in, I can open up two windows that should stay sheltered, thus allowing some fresh air. Soon, maybe I will buy a tarp and play with rigging it for bad weather. I just really don't feel like it tonight. Did my laundry, paid a parking ticket, sent off payment for my storage, and right now I just want to enjoy a couple happy hour beers with plenty of reggae.

A couple postings ago I said something about people getting in their own way. That the universe unfolds exactly as it should, and you get what you need when you don't want what you haven't got. I don't know, that happens to me a lot. Today I had to pay a parking ticket because tomorrow it becomes 30 days old, and instead of costing $18, it would cost $45. But the place closes at 4:00, the same time my shift ends. The owner told me it closes at 5:00, but I knew he was lying to get me to stay until 4:00. I told him I needed to leave at 3:00, and I needed my tips before that. He owed me enough to pay the ticket, but I didn't have enough cash to pay it.

Around 1:00, a couple came in looking for the owners. They were French, and they came to have lunch with the owners. Uh-oh, when these people eat they don't want to be interrupted, and they take hours. At 2:30, the plates had been cleared, but they were still sitting, and I didn't have my tips. 2:45, they get up and start to tour the restuarant. I have to run around to get them the keys to the rooftop lounge so they can see that while I am finishing up my couple remaining tables. I've had $1 in cash over tips today, and it is 2:55. I'm getting a little frustrated, but I figure things work out.

The French guy comes walking up to me, hand outstreched, gives me $20. The two top who I gave directions to the clerks office so they can get married leave me another $10. I tell them I might see them there because I have to pay a ticket, all my tables are closed, I'm out the door at 3:10. Got to the post office and sent my payment, made it to the clerk's office before 4:00. Didn't see my newlyweds. Now I'm having happy hours beers, listening to Ziggy Marley, and talking to my favorite Israeli bartender.

Life is good, and things always work out if you let them. Nevermind about keeping your fingers crossed.

Blessings

Well, the next morning I appologized to the owner. She didn't know what I was talking about. I have seen this before; selective memory, and it always kinda astounds me. I mean, we were both there, but we remember totally different things.

We kicked butt at the restuarant this weekend. Came close to exceding the dinner sales with our breakfast and lunch sales. Remember, my average check is probably about $25. At dinner, an average check is $50-100. For breakfast and lunch sales to beat dinner says either breakfast and lunch are great, dinner is horrible, or a little of both.

Things are still really messed up, but they are getting better. I am still hoping for a buy-out, but in the mean time I am making progress with the way things are.

Things here are different. I have good friends, my work sucks, but I enjoy the challenge. Buckaroo Bonzai said "no matter where you go, there you are", but what he didn't say is that different places reflect you differently. Some say that others are mirrors; that people resopond to what you present. But they are carnival mirrors, because how someone responds to you is distorted by their own essence. Really, that makes life beautiful; understanding yourself and others by how you reflect each other. I can think of my life as a sort of big collage of interactions.

I have lived in several different places. In the Keys, New York, and Miami Beach, I have felt most at home. People in these places are more crazy, and therefore more accepting of variance. In Indiana, Pennsylvania, and Georgia, people seem to value conformity and are mistrustful of people who behave differently. In those places, I feel like an outsider, here, I feel normal. So even though I am the same person no matter where I go, in some places I am loved more. And that makes all the difference.

In AA they talk about geographic therapy. Alcoholics, and anyone who is a bit off, really, will move around a lot. If you go to Indiana and Miami Beach, and you have the same problems, probably god is trying to teach you something.

I think god is trying to teach me something now. I feel distracted while I write. I met a guy here at the hostel when I was staying here. We connected over coffee and cigarettes early in the morning. I could tell he had stuff going on, and I sure did too. He is a photographer, and I've continued to run in to him. A couple days ago he gave me his card, and I checked out his website. Turns out his 19 year old son killed himself just four months before we met. His website is awesome, www.ipanemic.com. , I am still exploring it. There is a benefit walk for a suicide prevention group in October, and he is a team captain. I signed up. Never done that before, but I set a fundraising goal of $500. I would really like to double that, so expect to hear about this again when I learn a little more. In the meantime, check out his website. I hope it comes across as a link. His name is Scott, and I believe in him. It never fails that when I feel like my problems are overwhelming, I meet someone who has it worse.

Not that I feel overwhelmed, quite the opposite. I wake up every morning and thank god for blessing me.

ignorance sucks

I didn't buy any fruit again today, but I did change a couple things. I prettied up the tables a little with bread plates and glasses, and I made the menu/food display and the entrance a little more aesthetically pleasing. I doubled my sales.

I expected the owner to come in and make me put everything back the way it was. She came, she asked who did it, I said I did, she said "gud idea, eet looks much better". The host and I exchanged looks, and both wondered out loud if she was sick or had a fever.

Unfortunately, any ground I may have gained, I think I lost double by confronting their racism and managerial deficiencies. We got tripple sat, no problem, except that before I could turn around, the bartender had one of the tables, and the host had another. I got the six-top, they got a three-, and a two-. Mine and the bartender's three-top were black. The three-top that the bartender took, while he wasn't making my drinks, turned into a very bad mess. They ended up walking out.

The owner said to me that it is always with black customers that we have problems. I told her, no, that they were black wasn't the problem, the problem was she told the bartender to take the table, and he doesn't know how to serve. He needs to make drinks,and let me serve the tables, but that's just what I think. She said she thinks it was because they were black. I told her that was her problem...oops.

I almost walked out. But my table, really cool people, had a very large tab, and they ended up over-tipping me a lot. One of them asked if I would be her server for her wedding reception if she booked our private room. They really warmed my heart, and softened the anger I was feeling.

I realized as I left the restuarant that I needed to think about how I could help them overcome their racism. Afterall, racism really is just ignorance. I didn't really like black people much until I fell in love with one. I was upfront with my soulmate about my prejudice, and also I tried to learn a little more about her culture. Now, I can't say I am a negrophile (?, like anglophile), but I have a lot of respect for american blacks. Like gays, jews, and homeless people, they have had to come to terms with a white, christian, middle-class, heterosexual majority. I'm not going to tell you what I like about american black culture because I want to challenge you. If you are white and uncomfortable with blacks, find out for yourself. If you are going to be prejudiced, make sure it is out of knowledge of who you don't like, not out of ignorance.

I think that's all I have to say about that.

Two month anniversary

Yesterday was the two month anniversary of my truck being my home. Eight weeks since I decided to stay by the ocean no matter what. I hope you will forgive a little retrospection...

I remember my first night. I tried to sleep on the beach and learned from Miami Beach's finest that the beach closes at midnight. I still find the concept odd, but I love the safety of the beach at night so much, that I don't mind the occasional helicopter fly-bys, or the four wheeler blitzkreig just after sunset. I was not afraid that night, but I was kind of hyper-alert. The cop asked if I was homeless after he patted me down, and he said we'd be getting to know each other. I am very happy to say that he was wrong. That was the last time I met any peace officer, and god willing, that's how it will stay.

Work has gone from hopeless to hopeful. This is the hardest time I've had yet earning any restuarant owner's respect, and I'm still not comfortable. The buy-out is still a possibility, that would be absolutely wonderful. The building I work in is beautiful. At one time, it was the most photographed building on Ocean Drive. I would really like the place to become a well-run restuarant, and I would happily pitch in my energy to make it happen.

Now, because my money depends on how well the restuarant does, I am trying to find ways to improve the curb appeal that cost nothing. This morning I was actually willing to spend my own money so my guests could have fresh fruit when they ordered it. Unfortunately, I didn't have any. But I did after my first table. It rained most of the day, so I didn't buy any fruit.

I have gone from being a very private, solitary person to sharing my life and enjoying returning support to quite a few friends. We are all different, but we all are trying our best to live well according to each of our understandings. That saying that I thought was stupid when I was younger has turned out to be true in a pretty in-my-face way... if you only have lemons, make lemonade. Take what you get, make it as good as you can, and be patient. No one can make me believe that we are not all taken care of. We just frequently get in our own way when we can't have what we want.

I don't have anything interesting to report. I have scratched out a little niche to shelter me from the storms of life, and I continue to maintain my nest. Things change, and until they do, I wait, and I watch. Chance favors the prepared mind (was that Spock?). But stay tuned, one day I will be posting stories and photos from my first circumnavigation.

Pain shared is pain halved

Wow, a two day funk. That's the first one I've had since I arrived here. I recognize some contributing factors, but do you know what pulled me out of it? A friend, some Ziggy Marley, and a couple beers. In vino, veritas. Reggae is soulfood for me, and I am pleasantly surprised by how dependant I have become on my friends.

Why do I like depending on friends? Because I never have before. I do believe humans are social creatures, like wolves, lions, dogs, ants, and bees. I have not been a social creature for a very long time. I have always maintained one, two, even three friendships at a time, but have also generally stayed either with who ever was my partner at the time, or by myself. I have thought of myself, at the risk of being trite, as a "lone wolf". I have placed high value on being able to function without needing others. Looking back on the last 20 or so years, I think it was a good thing to learn, and also I think I was denying a genetic need, with some nearly catastrophic consequences.

So now I have several friends. Most of them don't live here, and I spend a lot of time texting, or emailing. This may seem silly to those of you who grew up with the web, but I am proud to say that I played pong on the original atari, and owned a commorore 64. Actually a 128, but that's being elitist. Point is, the internet is going to be the single most important factor in the catapulting of our evolution as a species since fire. We are a now a world community, and our collective conscious is still trying to catch up with the technology. I have a web of friends now, a network of people I like, who like me in return. People who I can stay current with on the details of our lives, even though we live on different continents. That is absolutely amazing, if you take a minute to think about it.

Again, it was AA where I learned the expression that pain shared is pain halved. They probably got it from somewhere else too. After all, there is nothing new under the sun. I am experiencing a lot of stress at this time in my life. I have taken a leap of faith, and have been rewarded with a much stronger faith. Its not about religion, it's about life, and an order... a set of spiritual laws with a harmony and beauty that is beyond my understanding.

Nothing irritates me more than when someone tells me they know the truth. Study science, and you will learn that what you know is limited by what you have learned. Read philosophy, and you will learn that truth is in the mind of the speaker. Study life, and you will be amazed. The more you learn, the less you know.

I have learned a lot in my essentially solitary life. I can talk with you about sub atomic particles, chemistry and biology, medicine, art, religion, philosophy, carbeurators, and the weather. I like talking. I like people, and I like finding god in people. Now I am finding I like being able to talk with people who share similar and different views almost anytime I am willing to send a text. And I like knowing that I really don't know anything.

I owe thanks to my lovely Israeli bartender for having Ziggy on when I only stopped in to say hello. And to my Dad, who really pissed me off this morning by telling me he knows the answer. And especially to Ziggy, and his father, Bob, who spoke to me when I was younger, telling me that every little thing is gonna ba alright.

More on the catastrauphic consequences later...

Some days...

Some days are difficult. Today I wanted to get drunk before noon. I notice when I'm in a funk, and I have different things I do to try to improve my mood, but sometimes you just have a tough day. Sundays seem to be hard more than other days. Not sure why. I could hypothesize, but I really don't know why.

I'm on the beach again, and I am enjoying the time to relax as I always do. But the words just aren't comming tonight. I still feel blessed, I am not worried about anything. I am just tired. Tommorow is another day.

Sorry I don't have anything more to say.

God is dog spelled backwards

I think I need to write about the woman who owns my restuarant with her husband. More than one person, other than myself, has described her as "evil". And she is... I'm not going to try to define evil, other than to say that it is a way of being that is not fun.

She seems to find her pleasure, her jouix de vivre, in finding fault with the world around her. If you think about it, what she is doing is creating a world where everything is wrong. In fact, she is pretty much right when it comes to the restuarant, but I can't help wondering how much of it is so because she expects it to be that way?

I have been texting a friend, trying to describe my experience of life at this moment. I said that the beatles were right, love really is all there is. Life is full of dhuki, but love is what happens when things move. Dhuki is what you experience while you wait, or when you are not receptive.

I like to think of life as a carnival ride; it happens very fast, and sometimes you get scared. But you paid your admission, and you climbed aboard, and I am pretty sure that in the end, you get what you paid for. And I am sad for those who don't put their arms up and love their fear. After all, that's what you paid for.

I also told my friend that there is nothing to worry about. That my life is proof that no matter how much you let go, you will always be taken care of. You get what you need every day. Every one of us can be assured that if we live honestly, doing good to the best of our ability, with what ever we have, at any given moment, we will not cease to exist. We will be lifted up, and supported in becomming what we are meant to be.

So I continue to struggle with this woman. She hates me with a passion, and everyone at the restuarant knows it. Yet, I am their rock for the day shift. And when two 10 tops came in today, 20 minutes apart, she helped run food. It goes back to both of us misunderstanding on some level. I am a professional, I have a great resume, I look ok, and I communicate well. Yet still, I am stuck in this restuarant hell, and things continue to get better. I have no idea why I am here, but I am, and god seems to want me to stay. This woman hates me, but hate is an emotional tie. She is connected to me, and as much as we would both like to never see each other again, I am affraid we have some business to work out.

Life goes on... the guy with the dog? His tatoos are really cool, and the dog let me love him when he was affraid to go into the surf. He just kept comming back to me. Remember, dog is god spelled backwards. Dogs are angels on earth. If you are loved by one, you have some good in you. Be happy, and look for dogs to be friends with.

Live at your own risk

Two of the worst days at the restuarant. Three tables for me each day. About $5 in tips. One of my tables today though, gave me $20 tip on a $12 check. I am taken care of, every day.

It's Friday night. The soontobedrunks actually started arriving yesterday. But guess what? A friend who I work with, who has no car, said I could park in her parking space at her apartment building. And it is close by, quiet, I think, and covered! I get to sleep on my air matress for the next two nights, whether it rains or not! Woohoo! Of course nothing is free, maybe mosquitos, maybe neighbors, we will see, but it beats having kids walk by and wake me up when they notice someone is sleeping in that truck.

I can feel things moving at the restuarant. Nothing noticable yet, but sometimes there is a sort of static quality that tells you change is comming. Again, we will see.

I didn't run today. I have for the past three days, and I will again tomorrow. Today I slept the extra hour because I knew my coffee time would be cut short, and I expected to be working a double. Fortunately, reason prevailed, the restuarant is staffed about right tonight instead of over-staffed, and I get my beach and blog time. Feels like people are here, so maybe I will make some money tomorrow. I still have one more bill, a parking ticket, a final utility payment, and I need to wash clothes and get a haircut. I'm not worried, god knows what I need before I do. Oh yeah, and I have switched back to light cigarettes, and continue to keep it in my mind that I intend to quit soon.

Lifeguard off duty... I like that.

Post script

I'm really getting a kick out of some of these ad titles. I hope you are too. Clear skys, and cool breezes :)

Everything will be ok

Sometimes you just know something is right. I'm not sure how many other people get this feeling, but for me it feels like clouds disappear in my mind, and something is suddenly so obvious, I wonder why I didn't see it before.

This happened for me last night. I realized that it is time to go get my things out of storage. I am committed to my next home being a boat, so there is no reason to keep the things I have for my apartment. Of course I will keep my kitchen stuff because I love to cook, and I will have a kitchen on my boat. Actually, a galley... Some things, like my books, I will keep forever, and will put them in a smaller, cheaper storage space here. I will sell most of my things, and that will give me some money to make my truck more comfortable, and pay off some of that title loan. I had the same feeling when my friend told me I had to come back to Miami Beach.

I don't have the same feeling about the restuarant where I am working. The owners are trying to sell it to a group of investors that the promoter has pulled together. Remember? Creating money... anyway, the owners are getting more and more crazy, in that they don't take care of, or manage the restuarant, and they blame all the staff for the lack of business. Don't forget we are in the middle of hurricaine season, European season is over, kids are back in school, and it is still REALLY hot. They haven't noticed the repeat business I have been getting, and today scolded us because we don't get repeat business. I could keep going, but what I want to say is that I don't KNOW what is the best thing to do. Sometimes you have to tolerate some pain and confusion (dhuki).

Today was a good day for me. The waitress who I have trouble working with came after being gone all week, and we had only two tables between 8 and 3pm. It was a good day because, since she was there, I could take off from about 10 until 2. I collected enough money form my recent tips to pay the intrest on my title loan, like I promised, and I got a couple tables after three who gave me enough cash over tips to buy my food, wine, cigarettes until tomorrow. It happens EVERY day.

When I was on my break, I went to the library where I planned to work on this blog a little, but before I did, checked on storage space and looked at one place for a cap for my truck. I sat down to smoke before going in, and got an email. It was from the woman who is my soulmate. So I got to spend two hours talking to her by email, when I normally would have been standing on the sidewalk, in the heat, waiting for tables that never came.

This relationship is another thing that my family, and the most of the rest of the people I know think I am crazy for participating in, yet, I KNOW it is right, even if I don't know when I will ever see her again. I don't think I really want to share too many details in this forum, at this time. It is just another thing that I do because it is right even though most people think it is wrong.

This lesson is profound for me. I am free to be myself, to do what I believe is right, and live the way I want to live because I now KNOW someone is taking care of me. Ask anyone in my family, and they will tell you that I have always done what I want to do. And it is true. And also, up to this point, even though I've always followed my inner voice, I have not trusted it, and have maybe not been able to always discern want versus need. And also, I have needed to feel that someone will always take care of me, and I have created many situations with different people to try to find that someone. Much to the consternation, and sometimes anguish, of those people, and myself too.

I wish I could give this knowing to all of the people who read this. I believe it is there for you as much as for me. I told you, I'm not special. Maybe you already KNOW it :) . But for me, I had to become homeless and hungry for one day to finally begin to trust that everything will be ok.

Spagetti

Yes, I did run. Two miles. It was surprisingly easy, maybe I will run three tomorrow. It was a really nice way to start the day. I highly recommend exercise first thing in the morning. Today I switched to light cigarettes. I haven't drank less today though. A good friend asked me to have a drink after work, and the pleasure of company overrode the healthy lifestyle. Who's to say which is better, being alone and not drinking, or having a drink with a friend?

You may have noticed a couple changes to this blog. I added a translation widget so that the page can be read by some very important friends. There was a french family who I met at the hostel when I was staying there. They were there as I ran out of money. It was a mother and her daughter and son; Skelly, Lolita, and Sebastian. Skelly fed me every day, even though I really didn't need food at the time. I don't know what was behind it, but I really felt a bond with them. Their english is about as good as my french, but when they left for San Francisco, we stayed in touch. Sebastian is in Canada now, Skelly and Lolita are back in France.

For the last hour I have been watching a guy pick through the seaweed line that marks the high tide. I walked by to talk to some other new friends, and asked him what he was collecting as I passed. He said he wasn't collecting, he was picking up... trash. He said he askes anyone he meets to spend 15 minutes doing the same. I told him that whenever I come to the beach, I pick up all the trash within an arm length of my towel. His name is Wagner, interesting, and he is Portugese. So, for Wagner, let's all pick up a couple pieces of trash today.

I want Skelly, Lolita, and Sebastian to be able to read this blog if they want. After I installed the widget, I asked my friend to check it. She is Israeli, and she said it worked, but it was funny in Hebrew. Oh well, what are you going to do? So now I am going to give a little more care to using correct grammer, with the hope that the translation will be more accurate.

Also, I have "monetized" this blog. You will see ads on the side, and I think after each post. I am not really sure yet how it works, but I think I may get money from your reading. If it is offensive, let me know, and I will remove it.

I have so many more things I want to tell you, like about my new surfer friends, and the cool green hat they gave me because I helped them try to find a lost bag. But I am tired. Maybe I will post their website tomorrow, it's pretty gnarly ( ;) ). Life goes on in South Beach, south of fifth street. I am still alive and happy. Getting healthier, and meeting people who think like I do. Never thought that would happen...

Skelly, if you are listening, I miss your spagetti. I don't care what sebastian thinks, I liked it.

What you feed will grow

The weekends are definitely stressful. It's Monday, I got a good night sleep, and I feel significantly better.

I remember when I was a child, I noticed adults had difficulty changing. I could change pretty easily then; I just decided I was going to be different, started to behave differently, and soon the change felt natural. As I grew older, I noticed that change was harder, sometimes difficult. I'm talking about behavior patterns mainly.

A couple times in this blog, I've mentioned accumulating weight, or gravity. This is what I'm referring to; the longer you are someplace, or do something, it becomes more difficult to change. I knew if I stayed in South Beach, I would adapt to the stresses of being here, and overcome them. I would learn how to take care of myself in the new environment, and living would become easier. Likewise, I could have left, gone back to live with my mother, and I would have adapted and overcome there. But I also knew doing so would have made it difficult to get back here. Not to mention the contacts I am cultivating that continue to grow in depth and breadth.

There is a neurological basis for this phenomenon. So as not to be wrong, or boring, I will generalize; your brain builds wiring diagrams to facilitate more rapid behavior, essentially. When you are learning a new skill, you are creating the hardwiring for that behavior. As you become skilled, the circuits become more reliable. This is how it works for behaviors, emotions, thoughts, everything your brain does. Thus the expression, what you feed will grow.

I have also noticed, since I've been here, that it has become easier to change. I have changed my environment, altered the demands on myself, and am thus rewiring myself. That's probably why I feel like change facilitates growth. I don't simply react to my environment, I am able to take a meta-view of myself, my thoughts, emotions, and behavior, and make decisions about future behavior with regard to my values. I raise myself, as long as I continue to grow.

So I want to put my money where my mouth is. I am not happy with how much I am drinking, smoking, and not exercising. I want to drink less, stop smoking, and exercise every day. I recognize that work is hard, and by the time I finish at 4, all I want is a seat, a cold beer, and air conditioning. In turn, drinking leads me to smoke more, and all of the above inhibit me from exercising, in a self-feeding cycle.

Tomorrow morning I am going to try to get up an hour earlier and go for a run. I've notice that in fact, I am able to function before coffee, something I've learned since I can't get any before 7:00 am. I imagine myself waking up and putting my things away, putting on my running shorts, and driving over to the beach. Going for an easy run up the beach.... and so on until I am at Publix at 7:00 am to begin my regular routine. I worked out all the details I could think of earlier today, and have been imagining the new routine several times today. I will go over it again, in as much detail as I can imagine, right before I go to sleep. My belief is that this is how I can accomplish the change I want. I have put some emotional currency into it by telling you, and realizing I will have to report the results.

So there is my seedling idea. By exercising first thing, I will change my whole day. I am feeding it, and we can see if it will grow together.

Beach at night

I like the beach at night. It's too hot during the day. At night, even if someone is 25 meters away, I still have privacy. And except for the weekends, usually the only people I can see are the ones that walk by along the surf.

Privacy. Today I was getting a little desirous of airconditioning, solitude, kenny, my plants, and Bach. Don't get much of any of those lately.

I was feeling a little lonely as I wrote, and I got interrupted by a friend, recently made from the hostel. A text. She was on vacation here and I met her through another friend who lives here, who I also met at the hostel. Anyway, she is Canadian, and we just spent maybe 45 minutes texting, maybe a quarter of it in French. Now I feel good.

It is really amazing how when you pay attention to someone else in an honest way, and activate your brain to communicate with them in a real way, it takes you out of your preoccupation with your self. If you're feeling down, find out what's going on with someone else. I learned that in AA. It's so simple, and it works. Alcoholics Anonymous really is one of the true blessings of this century. An awful lot of the common sense that I pass on in this blog comes from a bunch of drunks. I hope I am not doing them a disservice.

So, I made it through another weekend. I will sleep well tonight, I think, as the Beach is quiet, and the skies are clear. Another difficult day ends well, and my faith is refreshed. Faith really is what carries us. No matter what you have faith in, if you trust that there is something bigger than yourself that you can reach anytime, you are on the right path. In my humble opinion. It works for me. I don't need the baptists, though they seem to need me to preach to.

I love you, blogland. We are all in this together. Be nice to each other, and don't worry about what the baptists think of you.   :)

Everything I've said is probably wrong

I don't think I have said this for awhile, though I hope it is implicit in every one of my posts; I don't think I am special. God loves everyone of us the same. Or, if you prefer, universal truth applies to us each equally. I think the essential elements from my experience are to let go of your pride, ego, self, desires, be as fully in each moment as you can be, cultivate love in each moment (being grateful for what you have helps), and pay attention to the times and things that take you out of loving attention to your present. These are the things that are lessons. And finally, don't ever believe you know, or have anything figured out. Remember that on some level you are mistaken in your understanding. Seek to understand first, and try to never judge.

Anyway, it is working for me, but I could be wrong... :)

Taboo

I think maybe it is time to get a little more real. The world is not christian, nor baptist, nor american. The world is simply full of living things trying to stay alive. Another truth: Nature abhors a vacuum. Any possible thing you can imagine, and more, nature has tried. What works lives, what doesn't, dies.

I won't tell you yet everything I've done and seen, but let's start with homosexuality. I'm really not sure what percent of the human world population is homosexually inclined, but I know it is significant in a statistical sense. Even non-human species are homosexual, bisexual, asexual, and trans-gender. So please, don't bother to tell me that god says love and marriage belong only to heterosexual humans. Unless you feel like giving me a good belly laugh.

There are men that I love with all my heart, and would probably have sex with, given the right circumstances, but whom I respect absolutely. There are women I know who pair with other women who I would feel lucky to have as parents

Right now, I am completely celibate. By choice. I prefer to wait for a soulmate than to have sex for the pleasure of it. I'm not knocking sex, it's fun. It's just that in my emotional world, sex complicates things. It creates dependences when, in a loving friendship, there are no expectations around gender roles and responsabilities. No, I am not trying to avoid responsibility for myself, I am just taking responsibility only for myself.

Something I admire about gay men in this culture, at this time, is that, like me, they have had to buck society to follow their own inner truth. I feel very comfortable with gay man and lesbian women because they follow what they believe god tells them is their own true nature. They dance to a different drummer, and I can hear the drum-beaters right now saying that Satan is speaking through me. My response? Satan is the dark side of the god I love. I choose to seek, and follow the higher good.

I think maybe that's enough frank-speak for the moment. Live well, and prosper.

Hungry to hopeful

I wonder what it is that makes restuarant owners hate waiters? Not all waiters, just me. (Tongue in cheek). It feels that way though in atleast my last two jobs, maybe more... it's not until they finally realize that I know what I'm doing, and make them more money than most, that they finally begin to treat me as though I am close to human. I'm really not being self-pitying. My current job, I had to fight to be a waiter, not a bus boy because someone thought I smoked too much. I smoke less and work harder than most of the other waiters. At my last job, I was warned a couple times, and was definitely on thin ice, before my customers rescued me by raving about my service.

Right now someone is asking, "obviously smoking is causing problems for you and interfering with your job. Why don't you just quit?" I guarantee that someone is a non-smoker. I know I can't do massage and smoke. The proximity to the customer makes it really difficult to hide the smell. But waiting tables keeps me a couple feet, atleast, away, (even better at an outdoor cafe, like where I am now), and except for the most anti-smoking nazi ex-smoking customers, no one is offended. I am careful to wash my hands and cough and blow my nose after every cigarette, and unless you are close enough to kiss me, you won't notice.

And I know when it is ok to be gone for 90 seconds; how long it takes me to smoke a whole cigarette. Yes, I've timed it. And it kills me when someone who has never waited tables tells me how to do my job.

Now on the flip side, because someone else is saying that I am being ego-centric and justifying my addiction, I recognize and respect that I am working for someone who is trying very hard to keep a restuarant open. Someone who has put in the time, money,  and self-sacrifice to get the place going, keep it going (so far...) and has definite ideas about how they want it. I accept that. I respect that. What I have a problem with is being treated like I am not a professional, and don't care about the restuarant or the owners. I am a very small piece... an expendable piece. Disposable, in fact, where I am now. 90% of the waiters there don't stay more than two weeks. Most don't stay more than two or three shifts. I am not kidding when I say that they really don't know what they're doing. Maybe in France this is how you run a restuarant, but I doubt it. This is how you run an unsuccessful restuarant.

I think I have complained enough. I am, and will continue to take pride in my work, represent the restuarant to the best of my ability, and make as much money for myself and the restuarant as I can by giving the best service and providing the best dining experience that I am capable of.

So I guess I needed to report all that to qualify the statement that I am doing pretty well. I am working seven days a week as a waiter, that allows me to get extra tips in cash, and those have usually been enough to cover my daily expenses. That means I can save my tips that are on the check automatically, and pay my bills. I expect to be paying all of them on time within a month, and maybe begin to whittle down that title loan instead of just paying the interest. Soon, I will establish my boat fund again.

It has been six weeks, and I have gone from hungry to hopeful. I'm nowhere near easy street, but I am making it. I am here to stay. I've been thinking of a backpacking tent as an intermediate step between sleeping under the starts and being devoured by mosquitos, and spending the chunk of change that a cap for my truck bed would cost. The tent has to be small enough to not attract attention from passing cars... passing police cars... but I think I can find the perfect tent, and next week might be the perfect time.

I am riding a wave of Quality, Service, and love into a life that I am supposed to lead. I still have a good 40 years left. I can't wait to see where I will go next!

P.S. I am writing this blog on my phone, and for the most part, it is unedited, and is posted pretty much in the form that I would consider a rough draft. I have a good phone, but the word processing is still primitive, and it is easier to write as grammatically correct as I can, spelling without a spellchecker, and pretty much just writing what comes to me, than to sacrifice the creative flow by spending too much time editing. Someday, I hope to have enough material, a decent laptop or desktop, and a quiet mooring in a peaceful sailboat to turn this unweildy thing into a memoir that could be submitted for publication. What is that, 12 lines to say I'm sorry about the typo's and the spelling errors, and the run-on sentences, and the undisciplined use of paragraphs? I beg your indulgence.  :)

Movement and dog love

Labor day weekend was disappointing. Instead of making enough to pay all three bills, I barely made enough to pay one. But now I have enough to pay my phone bill again, so I can stay connected for one more month. My status at my restaurant is evolving; first I worked two to three shifts, then I worked atleast seven a week as a busboy, now I work seven a week as a waiter.

I think I was just visited by kenny. I'm lying here on the beach on my stomach writing, and I hear this snorting/panting getting loud very fast. Its dark, so I didn't have time to identify the source until a pug was litterally in my face. She was clearly happy, and I was too, to pet her, and she just lied down and rolled over on to her back right under my chin. I love dog energy.

My mom suggested that I have the idea that I find enough to not just survive, but to thrive. It makes sense, and I think I'll try it. What I have learned in the past six weeks though, has really gone to my core, and I'm not sure I've finished the lesson yet. I feel some shame in admitting this, but for much of my life, in many ways, when I have gotten into trouble, usually financially, I have atleast wanted, and several times looked for, someone to rescue me. To take care of me. When I was younger, I felt like my parents owed it to me, they created me, afterall. As I got older, I recognized that as an adult I was responsible for myself. But still, I felt like the deck was stacked against me from the start, and my family should help me out. This conflicted with my desire to be self-sufficient, and I spent a lot of energy trying to reconcile the conflict. All the while continuing to get into difficult situations. I think that what I am learning now is that I don't need anyone else to rescue me. That I am following my inner voice, my higher power, and I am being taken care of.  And I am deadly serious about the taken care of part. I said it before, I ALWAYS have enough. I don't need anyone else to rescue me, to "bail me out". I took a leap of faith that most people thought was foolish, risked hunger, risked becoming a vagrant who moves trash around, and have been lifted up. I'm still living in my truck, but my conditions are steadily improving. My last post was titled there but for the grace of god... well, grace has kept me alive and sane and healthy and loving very clearly for six weeks today. And I think I'm starting to trust it. I didn't freak out on Monday and ask my family to pay my phone bill, and today I have enough to pay it. I'm not going to freak out about losing my stuff or my truck. If I am supposed to keep them, I will be able to pay for them. The thing about lessons though, from my experience, is you don't know you're learning until you've learned. And you keep getting the same lesson until you've learned it. So we will see...

Thriving is an interesting idea. For awhile, abundance consciousness was a big thing. Believing that there is enough for everybody in the universe. I definitely agree. The part I didn't agree with was who defines what is enough. Is there enough in the universe for me to have a 45 foot sailbout? I don't really need a 45 foot sailboat, and in fact that would probably be bad for me. I don't know how to sail a boat that big, you get charged by the foot in most nautical fees, and I'm only five foot nine inches. I thought I wanted a 35 foot boat, but now I'm thinking a 22 or 26 footer is within reach in the next few months, and that should give me plenty of room. Now the length of the boat is proportional to how large a wave it can comfortably sail through. Smaller boat, smaller waves. So maybe I won't sail to Spain in a 22 footer, or maybe I will, or maybe I will find the perfect boat at the perfect time, and maybe I will own more than one in my lifetime. We humans have the tendancy to take really good ideas and distort them to fit our conceptions of how things are, or "should be", rather than trying to understand the idea and let it change our self's.

I just might be thriving already. As my Mom pointed out, I am outside, in touch with the sea and nature almost all the time, and I like it. I am growing in my work, I am maintaining more friendships, my body is healthier, and I am shedding beliefs that have stood in my way in the past. I consider all of these things blessings, even though sometimes they can be difficult.

So maybe what I'm really learning is that the universe, not me, defines what is enough, and gives it to me. Remember, desire is the root of unhappiness. But also, if I don't move, I don't change. So I'm trying to keep moving toward what I think is good for me, and making the best of what comes to me.

What is my purpose? That's god's decision, not mine.

There but for the grace of god...

If you were somehow able to transport South Beach to Georgia, or Indiana, or Pennsylvania, I could say this place is crazy. Insane. Problem is, insanity is defined by society, and here, EVERYONE (almost) is so extreme in some way, that extremeness and uniqueness are the norm. Baptists who come here from Georgia are so easy to spot. They look "normal", but at home they're probably amongst the most rebelious in their subdivision. That's probably why I feel so at home here. I can be what I am, and most people think I'm boring, not aloof.

I really don't care now if anyone knows I sleep in my truck. Atleast I have a truck. Here, there are so many disgustingly rich, or extremely poor, or blatantly superficial, alcoholic, sex or drug addicted, or just plain so into themselves that they don't notice crowds building behind them wherever they happen to be pursuing their own adgenda, that some guy quietly sleeping in his truck is barely worth commenting on. But some do, at 2:00 in the morning, very loudly, while they are having their friends take their picture in front of the cool dog park under construction... why is next to my truck, in the middle of the night, the best place to decide which picture she should put on facebook? I hate weekends, especially three day weekends.

So, I still haven't covered my bed. I have worked out a system to deal with the wet clothing issue; pajamas, a couple extra items of clothing, and more trips to the laundromat. The rain in Florida comes pretty much every day. Mostly, it's in the early evening, and results from cooling of very moist air as the sun goes down, resulting in a change in state of water from gas to liquid...condensation and precipitation. Atleast I'm pretty sure I remember that correctly. Anyway, all the standing water also provides habitat for breeding mosquitos. So if I get to sleep in the bed of my truck, when it's not raining, the mosquitos become a real issue. I've learned how to not scratch the bites, so I don't aggrivate the inflamitory response, but in the middle of the night, when my mind is half in dream space, I would swear that I get so many bites on my arms that large patches of skin go numb from the neuroactive substances the mosquitos secrete to make dermal puncture less noticable to the animal source. The mosquitos, the lack of comfortable places to sit, and the interminable blasting of hiphop or house music through most of my day make me a little tired sometimes... all it takes though is an hour or two at the beach, at night when I have it almost all to myself, a cleansing swim, and subsequent chill from the seabreeze on my wet skin, and I feel restored enough to do it again. It also helps when my bartender friend plays reggae for happy hour for as long as she can tolerate it. I can listen to it all day, most people don't feel the same.

Not everyone here is crazy. There are a few angels. People who think, and care, and work hard, and do good things because it makes them feel good, not for what they think they can get. And living among extreme people also gives you patience, and tolerence because everybody here really is just trying to make it. The reason there are so many skinny people on South Beach is because we're all hungry. The people I know who work for tips eat with the extra money people they serve leave for them. The busboy, the Russian kid, today asked me what was the story with the fettuccini alfredo sitting on the bread table covered with a napkin. I put it there because a customer sent it back. It wasn't good enough to sell because the cook was tired and probably drunk, and he didn't care, but there was nothing "wrong" with it. My friend wanted to eat it.

It makes me a little sad that I, and all of the people I work with, in the front of the house, are so poor from lack of business, crappy tips, no hourly wage, and tip stealing owners, that we will eat off of the plates before they go back to dish. It reminds me of the custom of leaving a small bit of food on your plate for the help. I always thought this was a little pompous, until I saw myself and others living off of the discards of others. But it only makes me a little sad because I really admire the spirit that overcomes pride to live. You will eat and do many things you never thought you would if you become hungry enough. And yes, I am talking to you specifically, not to any general person. There but for the grace of god go I... never forget that.

Most people would not put themselves into this situation voluntarily. I have voluntarily, and with foreknowledge of the consequences, made my self homeless. I did it because I have been away from the ocean, landlocked, for eight years. I have gotten into unhealthy relationships with people and with drugs in the past as a way of dealing with the duhki, the pervasive unsatisfactoriness, in my life. I chose to become homeless and stay in South Beach because I am by the ocean, and I know that gravity grows around you wherever you are, if you can stay alive. I am surviving, I will build here, and buy my boat here, and leave here as soon as I can. And I will probably always consider South Florida (and New York City) my homes. I stayed because I knew it was the right thing to do, and if I left I would be continuing to live my life by what others think is right for me. I would be back to self-medicating with something within six months. I am making foundational changes in my life now. I don't recommend it unless you are willing to let go of yourself completely. How else are you going to build a new self?

So thanks to my angels, they keep me alive and sane. There are way too many to name, but I told Oshi I put her in my blog, and I hope Beau is reading... :)

No worries

People worry... I worry sometimes, I need to admit that from the start. Recently, I've noticed though, that people I talk to get themselves hung up in trying to make their world the way they want it. I say this absolutely without condesention. I think it is a trait that makes humans unique in this world; we manipulate our environment. Actually, society is built on this ability.

One side of the coin makes 120 volt power and modern plumbing accessable to most of the people on earth, and the other side gives us ulcers, diabetes, obesity, and addiction. We want things to be comfortable, neat, spontaneous, new, sparkling, and spiritual. We want what we want. When we can't make it the way we want it, we worry about it. As if expending mental energy will somehow change anything.

And the funny thing is that we usually don't notice we are doing it. It takes someone else, with different worries, to point out that really, we're in pretty good shape. That's what friends are for, right?

Yesterday I told you that everyday I am taken care of. It happened again today... I worked hard, put love into my interactions everywhere I could, noticed when I didn't, and here I am at the end of the day alive, fed, and ready to do it again tomorrow. I don't claim to be special. I get myself into trouble, just like everybody else, and friends and family have helped me when I needed them. I don't have any magic. I'm just trying to tell you that we are all taken care of. I'm not heading onto any kind of relegious trip here.

In the movie starring Demi Moore, where she was a SEAL candidate, I forget the title at the moment, the instructor quotes, I think Robert Frost, "I have never seen an animal feel sorry for itself... a bird will drop dead off a branch without ever feeling sorry for itself" or something very similar to that. The point is that birds live, animals live without worrying. I think. Kenny, my chihuahua taught me a lot about life. He let things come as they might. He ate, and slept, and loved me. He did what dogs do.

Being homeless and barely employed has made it pretty clear to me. I can worry, and close myself, or try to manipulate others into giving me good tips, or I can just give good service and trust that I will have as much as I need. Staying in Quality, living my Values, keeps me myself. Accepting what comes and responding from my self keeps me happy. Being happy improves my little corner of the world. Reminds me of Kenny; he was happy until he dropped dead. May we all be so lucky.

Post Script

I have enough cigarettes for tomorrow, I work as a server, the sky is clear, there is a cool breeze, and I have $10 to my name. What more could I ask for?

Every little thing gonna be alright

It has been four days since I've posted. I started to write last night, but couldn't keep focused. I have been bussing for over three weeks now, and I have decided to stop. The waitress who works most of the day shifts with me is not a very good server. She is young, and this is her second job serving. She is easily distracted, by boys especially, she relies on flirting to improve her tips, and she doesn't take responsibility for her guest's dining experience. As a busser, its my job to serve her. I am admitting right now that I have a very hard time with serving a server who doesn't care about serving her guests.

I am still working on respecting her as a person. She is a spoiled child. The owner lectured us both on service yesterday. I recognized that because she doesn't care about her tables, I let my standards for myself slip. And when that happens you start to get used to being lazy. I won't let that happen to me. So today I was scheduled as a busser, even though we have a new bus boy. Last night I told the owner I won't bus anymore, and I took today off. The new bus boy worked my shift.

I was scheduled, and worked as a server yesterday during the day. The owner has put me on the day shift through the weekend. For what reason, I don't know. It could be that he doesn't like me, and he thinks I will do less damage on that shift. I feel like I'm viewed as sub-human, no matter how hard I work. Maybe because they know now that I live in my truck, maybe because I smoke, or because they think I'm alcoholic, or maybe it's just because I'm American. It could also be that he knows I am dependable, and the other servers pretty much aren't, and he knows the day shift will be covered if I'm on it. The promoter asked if I could barback the night parties, so maybe he had a hand in it. Bottom line; I don't know, it doesn't matter.

Regarless of the reason, I am serving through Labor Day weekend. Yesterday, after the other server left, I got a seven top, and they gave me a $50 cash over-tip. I know how to give good service, and maybe my reading glasses with only one arm clued them in that I could use a little cash. Stuff like that happens everyday. Not $50 overtips, but money when I need it. Consequently, I was able to not work a bus shift, demonstrating my resolve to the owner, pay two $18 parking tickets before they became $45 parking tickets, eat, and buy cigarettes. EVERYDAY, I get what I need. That's how I know I am doing the right thing and am in the right place. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

I am not a pleasant teacher to lazy students. I am gruff, and at times, rude. I let them know they do not have my respect, and I show them how to work. This other server has gotten better in the last three weeks, maybe when I show her how a good server works she will learn even more. I doubt she has the character to do it, but maybe she will. I respect effort. Also, she is free to do and to be as she wishes. I will be what I am and who I am regardless.

Still no callbacks. I went to see a manager I worked with here before. He didn't have anything for me, but he referred me to another manager who I worked with briefly, and took my resume because he has several special events happening this month that he might be able to use me for. One of my new friends tipped me to a job where she works. I met with the manager who said I was hired, but she hasn't called me yet to tell me when I can start training.

I have been in the hospitality business for over 10 years, I have a very good resume, I look good, and I can communicate. There is no reason I shouldn't be able to get another job, unless god wants me where I am for some reason. Working as a bussboy fed me for three weeks, but it has begun to turn me into something I don't want to be. Jimmy Buffet says "Leap, and the net will appear". So I recognize that I shoulld be a server. That will either happen where I am, or something else will come along at exactly the right time. Believe it, I do, I am staking my life on it.

I checked craigslist the other day and found two sailboats that I think I would be happy living on. Both were 22 feet, smaller than I was thinking, but one was asking for $3000, the other $2800. I think I should be able to scrape that together in not too many months. And I will bet that I will have a boat before it gets too cold to live in my truck. If not, plan B is a cap for the bed, a camp stove, water tank, and a cot with blankets. I will not live in another apartment before I live on a sailboat.

Yesterday I started to write about a buddhist martial arts teaching former bartender that I used to work with and recognized about a month ago doing tai chi on the beach. Yesterday the time was finally right for me to approach him. I hope to be studying with him starting next week. I'll tell you how it goes...