What, me worry?

I'm thinking about what to say tonight. I'm thinking about how easy I have it, how much I like having a stable place to bivouac. My mom sent me the coolest book, Jesus and Buddha: the Parallel Sayings, by Marcus Borg. I opened it up to read a couple pages, in the chapter on discipleship.

It's talking about the blind following the blind, and about a file of blind men seeing nothing, and about attachment keeping you from the kingdom of god. Then, after three pages, it made sense with a directive from the buddha to the monks to walk for the blessing and happiness of people, and out of compassion for the world, but "let not two of you go by one way."

The attachment I understand. As a human, it seems I crave stability. That I find comfort, and maintain it into infinity. Create changelessness. And this is so contrary to the nature of the universe which, physics teaches us, tends toward disorder. Things fall apart. Life though,bucks this trend. Life is growth. Order and cooperation out of chaos and anarchy.  Life is built on cooperation and attraction from the atomic to the cellular to the organismic. And on through evolution. It is about creating order and continuity out of nothing. So of course I want to keep my tarp rigged for storms, and have fresh brewed coffee in the morning, and a hot shower every two or three days, whether I need it or not...

And what I have learned is that god won't let me down. He won't let me starve, and I even get cigarettes and cheap wine because I needed them. But the more comfort I have, the more I fear losing it. I said a couple postings ago that I give when I can, but that isn't entirely true. I give when I am moved to. Every day people ask me for money or cigarettes. And even though I have, I don't always give. If I understand Jesus and the Buddha correctly, I should hold on to nothing. Not my money, my cigarettes, my coffee, my truck, or my clothing. How can I let go of the little I have? And how many people say the same thing?

Both of these men tell me to give up everything and depend on the grace of god completely and with abandon. And that scares the piss out of me. How can I do that? I want a sailboat, so I can travel, so I can share what I've learned, and learn more. If I give everything away, how will I ever get a sailboat?

And yet, two of the greatest men to ever walk the planet tell me to do exactly that. And I am too afraid to go that far.

What would happen if everyone gave away everything they had? I know that's a pipe dream. But is that a good reason for me not to follow? Part of me says I only have this life, why waste it chasing after things I can touch and hold on to?

And I remember something about letting the light of god fill me and cast out all darkness. And I think about "let not two of you go by one way". And I remember that both Jesus and the Buddha were in their thirties when they began teaching the way, so in my late forties, I guess the pressure is off. I'm just another guy trying to find his way. But it still nags at me every time someone asks me for money, and I say no.

I am walking my own path. So are you. If you are reading this, maybe it means we are both trying to find what is the right way to be, given who we are, where we come from, and what we believe.

I don't get a lot of comments on this blog. Maybe I don't understand how they work, maybe you are afraid too. I don't want advice, I can get that from my dad. But I am curious if anyone else worries about the same things. Do you ever wonder if you should give away everything? What do you think would happen to you if you did?

I don't know anything. I don't want to be facing death and regret anything I've done. So far I don't. And also now I have let go of so much, and there is so much I still hold on to, and I wonder, should I let go of everything? Didn't I say either god is everything or nothing? What higher purpose could there be in life than to trust completely? Am I going crazy?

God is at the bottom

I trained today for the first time at the restuarant on Lincoln Road. It is an Italian place, with a really good menu and wine list, in addition to a full bar. I used to joke when I was in Georgia that I was going back to a place where people know what carpaccio is. Well not only do they have carpaccio, but a whole section of the menu for "raw" foods, including tartars and civiche.

It seems like a cool place. I didn't have to stand on the hot sidewalk all day, I had a food runner, and a busboy, and the tip out percentage is reasonable. The kitchen is big, and the overall restuarant setup is to be able to serve really good food efficiently to a lot of people. Combined with the location and the reputation (22 years in business), I'd say it is a pretty good place to be for the upcomming season.

I am supposed to start training at the place by the marina this Friday. I still haven't decided what to do about that. They specialize in fresh seafood, one of my passions, it is fine dining, so that means not much work and big checks, it is only open six hours a day, and it's on a marina. This is kind of a tough choice...

I am so grateful to be in a better job, even though I don't know where it is yet. Today the owner of the nightmare restuarant called to see if I could work tonight. He actually called twice. I didn't answer either time. I was working, but I also feel pretty strongly still that I don't want to earn one more dime for those two.

Nevertheless, I am still tight, and I may have a couple days off this week, so I walked by earlier this evening. Man, was that depressing. They actually put out placemats. Tacky. My set up looked much better. But they weren't there, and the hostess told me they were only opening for two days. Disgusting. They don't care one bit about providing good food and good service at a reasonable price. To them, the place is a whore. Open her up on the street for a couple days and make a few bucks... same as ever. No wonder I hated it. Makes me sick that I helped them, but the place kept me alive here for three months. I'm surprised I haven't had nightmares about it.

My sailboat life is tugging at my consciousness. At this moment my boat is speeding toward me like a freight train. It is time to be saving money... that is making enough money to live decently and save... and adjusting my habits. Not sure exactly what that means, but my life is becomming a little more gentle and less animal-like. Only by the grace of god, and only for the moment. Things can change very fast, and eventually they will. But chance favors the prepared mind, so I guess I need to try to keep mine sharp, and pay more attention to the sustainability of my lifestyle.

My brother included dental floss and new oral b toothbrushes in his care package. I haven't mentioned it but indirectly once, but I have been getting worried about my teeth. I won't go into details, but the floss and the new brushes have definitely had an observable effect after only a couple days.

I haven't exercised in a month, and I haven't meditated in months... except once a couple days ago. I'm still eating basically healthy, but my diet needs to improve too. Abraham Maslow propose a heirarchy of needs where you must satisfy the lower needs before you can do anything with the higher needs. At the bottom were food, clothing, shelter, then social stuff I think, love and family, then spirituality at the top. He got it wrong.

The thing I've noticed is that the more basic my needs, the easier it is to see, feel, and rely on god, and the more I need a spiritual connection to my higher power. The more comfortable I get, the less obvious is my dependence, and the easier it is to forget that my reality is part me, but mostly god. So I'm not sure what to do with that observation yet, but I just thought I'd throw it out there.

Guess that's it for tonight. It's holloween on South Beach, and the cops are really tweeky. I'm going to try to get some afterdark beach time, but who knows what will happen. It's all good though. I doubt I will get arrested, and tomorrow is Sunday so I can come back then if tonight doesn't work out. Gotta stay positive, right?

Tropical squall

Well that was kind of cool... a nice little squall line just sprung up over north miami beach and marched right across south beach. Lightning, thunder, sideways rain, for about 30 minutes. I saw it comming, realized I was going to be stuck here instead of going to happy hour, and decided to grab a foster's from the local market before the storm hit. I almost made it.

I was about 100 m away from my truck when the temperature dropped, the wind picked up, and I could see a wall of rain two blocks up. I started to sprint past people who obviously didn't understand florida weather, along-side a couple people who obviously did. It started to pour, in a very tropical manner when I was about 25 m away. All in all, I was pleased I only got a little wet, not drenched like those I watched walk by a little later.

But that wasn't the end. The storm popped up out of thin air, and my living space wasn't rigged for a storm. I proceded to lift the tarp to dump the water that was collecting over my bed, then prop up my two poles to try to keep the tarp tent-like. I managed to accomplish this without too much of my stuff getting wet. I'm simultaneously washing clothes, the machines are outdoors, so I had to re-spin my wash before I could put it in the drier. The rain has stopped for now, but another cell is on it's way. Thank you almost real-time radar.

So I squared away my rigging, adding a couple of bungee chords, and have put my wet sheet through the wash. It was getting smelly anyway. Have a few minutes, and decided to write.

I have it pretty easy. A washer and drier at my disposal, a sheltered parking space, and a hot water shower that I can use almost any time. All thanks to a very good friend who manages to stay positive in the face of circumstances that would scare me to... I don't know what, but I will do anything I can to help make her life easier.

You know, I considered pulling my last post where I wigged out about my father. I decided not to because I want this blog to be honest. I have issues, just like everyone else. I don't claim to be a guru. I'm just another bozo on the bus, trying to get there.

This morning I was offered another job. This one isn't by a marina, but I can walk there from here. It is a restuarant in the busiest part of south beach with a company that I have worked for before, and they have been in business for a good ten years. I haven't turned down the other job; I am scheduled to start next Friday, but I start training at this one tomorrow morning. Feast or famine.

The last three months have been really hard, and I'm not out of the tunnel yet. But I can see the light. I am sticking to my rule to not move somewhere again until season is about to start. I gambled moving here in july, and I surely paid my dues. But I survived, and now I have a great job, and a back-up great job.

Some people will never understand what I am doing, or why. Others will think it is obvious. After decades of depression, I have finally found my voice. Those with ears will hear. Please just let me get rid of this troublesome self that always wants something... my my, I do love the smell and feel of clean sheets and clothes!

Oh yeah, before I sign off, my brother sent me a care package for my birthday. Choked me up for most of the day. But inside, among other things, was a can of mosquito repellant... I've not used it before, because I don't want to smell like off. But he also included some of those moist towels you clean baby's butts with, so I figured I'd give it a try... not one bite! I slept the longest I have slept, undisturbed, since 28 july 2010. Thanks Bro.

Afterthoughts

I'm on the beach now. It is really difficult to stay mad with a beautiful moonrise and the sound of surf softly landing on the shore.

I didn't have a family growing up. But I always knew I was loved. Some people never grow up.

I made the right decision to stay here. Even though it is late October and I still sweat everyday and night, I have found peace here. It is a strange feeling... like cotton in your ears. Even though the world is chaotic arround you, there is a silence that envelops you like a blanket.

I meant to mention that I have found a holy place. I have never felt the peace and the silence that exists at the intersection of third and meridian. I can feel it two blocks away as I walk toward it. Honestly, it's the wierdest thing. I don't understand it, but I know it. And there is a beautiful jamacian woman who lives on that corner, and I bet someday I will have the chance to tell her how lucky she is. And, from her smile, I bet she will tell me she already knows it.

Every little thing is going to be alright. I'm not sure why I had to ask for help, but maybe it had something to do with appreciating family. That's the thing with lessons, you never know what you're learning until you've learned it. I just might get to meet my neice by email soon. I've never seen her. I want to have a family, and I am afraid that I won't be good enough.

Enough of that. No worries, god's will is perfect, and god's love is sufficient. Clear skys and cool breezes.  :)

Family

I think I had a serious lesson about family today. I found myself needing to ask for help again. I don't like being in that position, but maybe I was supposed to experience this.

My day started when my friend, the one whose parking space I am using, out of nowhere, offered to loan me money. I was taken aback. This is an unemployed mother of two who has opened her home to me and asked nothing in return. She told me her financial situation, and why it would be ok. I said no, and thanked her profusely. This is someone I would give my last dollar to if she needed it. Family. And she would probably buy pot with it, and I would still give it to her.

I sent an email out to my family when I realized my restuarant probably would not reopen; the tables have been removed from the sidewalk. I only had a few dollars, and I saw that hunger was just around the corner. I wasn't asking for long term support, just enough to get me through until I was making money again; two weeks probably.

My mother sent me money before the day was over. She is another person I would give my last dollar to, gladly. She has supported me emotionally, financially, and physically every time I have asked. She probably knows me better than anyone, and she says she trusts my process.

My father, to his credit, called me. He said I have to live with the consequences of my choices, and suggested I take the loan. I was disappointed to say the least. If he said he didn't have enough to share, I would understand that. Everyday homeless people here ask me for money. I rarely have enough to share. I tell them I am in the same boat, and they understand.

Today I bought breakfast; two bananas and a package of peanuts. The bananas were close to being bad, the owner of the store told me to take two more and give him two dollars. I said I couldn't eat that much, but then a homeless woman walked in. I asked if she wanted two bananas. She said yes. I gave the guy two bucks and thanked him for giving me the chance to help someone else.

To my father, I say shame on you. You are not following the teachings of jesus. You don't owe me anything. I have made my own choices, and I will live with, through, and enjoy the consequences. I have no doubt. But you are not my family. And when someone you love says they need help, you help them. You don't hide behind your rigid belief system that keeps you insulated from the rest of the world.

My mother says she is happy he has found a belief system that helps him be a good person. I really want to believe that too, I just have to stop expecting him to act like family. Hypocrite.

He reads my blog to "keep tabs" on me. Really, it feels like he is monitoring my conformity, and I feel like someone undressing by a window with someone staring from across the street with binoculars. Voyeur. If I could restrict access I would. But I can't so I say now, shame on you. You have no right to watch.

I am angry, and I know that when I am angry I cause hurt. I don't want to cause hurt. I just needed to blow off some steam. I hope I have learned my lesson.

My aunt and uncle haven't responded to my email. It doesn't matter if they do. They have already given me more than I can ever repay. Its not about giving me anything, its about helping those you care about when they need it. Too often that help comes in the form of money. I don't have much of that to give, but I do have a lot of love, and a sense of humor. Sometimes I hope that has helped.

So... family. You know who they are, and who they aren't. Biology and genetics mean nothing. I have never seen a scorpion in Miami Beach. I've seen them in the keys, but they were bigger and black. I think I've seen this species in western miami where I used to live. Probably got here by accident. Don't know if he was dead when he got here or not. The ability to adapt and overcome is at the core of survival.

I am weak when it comes to relying on family, but I'm learning. I think part of it is recognizing who is really family, and who isn't. To have family, you have to be family. I haven't been part of my father's family, and I don't think I want to. Though my sister really is an angel. I'm trying. Oh yeah, congratulations Amy, no secret is safe with GG. And thank you for trying to be family. I'm trying.

New chapter

On the southwest, and northeast corners of the intersection of meridian and 3rd street on Miami Beach are two benches. Even though there are no waves, this is one of my favorite places. It is so peaceful and quiet. Its a four-way stop, and there is a steady trickle of auto, bicycle, skateboard, and pedestrian traffic. The silence here is penetrating.

So guess what? I just got a job. This is the one that I have been waiting for, I think. It is a corporate restuarant, specializing in fresh seafood, fine dining. This one is going to get me my sailboat. Wanna know how I know? Because it is overlooking the bay at a marina with a lot of sailboats. They have restuarants in a lot of places where there are also oceans. That means that after I have the boat, and have saved some money, I may be able to transfer to another location. Hoorah!

I am blessed... but there is always a catch. This one is that training is five days long, I can't start for atleast three days, possibly 10, and I'm pretty much out of money.

But you know what? I've been in worse situations. So far, god has fed me everyday. I did have to ask for help once. I seriously don't want to do that again. Don't waste what you have, and don't buy stuff you don't need. That maxim has gotten me through a lot of tough times. So we will see what happens tomorrow,  and we will see what happens with this job. I'm not actually working there yet, and I have definitely learned to not celebrate until I have cash in hand.

But today, right now, I am happy. I have cigarettes, food, wine, friends, and a dry, too warm place to sleep. What else could I ask for? Only one thing... for god to totaly wipe out mosquitos as a species. I wouldn't ask for that though, who knows what would take their place. Better to keep my eyes open for some screen.

Let them eat cake

The restuarant is like Hotel California. It was supposed to close Saturday, I went by Sunday to see how it looked closed at night, and to my surprise, the doors were open. I walked up to the sidewalk and ran into the owner of the neighboring building. He said he didn't know what was going on. I walked up to the door, and the hostess, and the coke-head waiter were there, setting up tables.

They said they had no cook, no bus boy, no bartender, but when they showed up for work the doors were open. They didn't know who opened them. We exchanged what we knew, and basically, no one knew anything, but they were trying to open despite the fact that the coolers and the kitchen were locked.

It was like watching ghosts.

The first table sat, ordered an orange juice and a corona. OJ, no problem. Corona, couldn't get. Table left. They called the bartender with the keys, and she would arrive in 20 minutes. They called the wife-owner. She said the restuarant was closed until Wednesday, but husband would call them Tuesday to pay them the money they were owed when he returned from France...

On Sunday, at the end of the walk to benefit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, they released buterflies. They read a Native American legend where if you have a wish you must capture a butterfly. You then tell the butterfly your wish and set it free. Because butterflies make no sound, they can reveal your secret to no one but the Great Spirit.

Today I found one of those butterflies they released, dead in an ashtray at the hostel. I am here charging my battery because the library is closed on Sunday, and I spent all day today job hunting. No offers, but god will put me where I am supposed to be. I know it was one of the butterflies they released because I recognize the species, even though I can't name it right now. They are not in season here and now. But if you google map university of miami and 250 ocean drive, you will see that the butterfly somehow made it several miles across open water and against prevailing winds in approximately one day.

A couple thoughts... I wondered if he told the Great Spirit anyone's wish... this is where wishes come to die... how did he get here?... why did I find him?... Did he really fly here?

Spent a couple hours with the ghosts of casanova. They were there because the owners owed them money. Actually made a connection with the coke-head. Turns out he has a passion for helping the Hatians who are still devastated from the hurricaine that hit, how many years ago? Anyway,he is squatting in an apartment in forclosure and is leaving in a couple weeks. He said I could have the key for $200. Hot water and electricity free of charge for a little while...

Yes, that is a Kilwin's store on Lincoln Road on South Beach. Kilwin's is a confectionary that I have visited in a small town in Northern Michigan where my grandmother lives. A wholesome town... seeing the store here was a little like how I imagine I would feel running into my grandmother on the beach in a bikini.

Shocking.

It is still hot during the day, mid-80's. Nights are cool on the beach because of the wind. My parking space is sheltered, and I cover the bed of my truck with a stylish blue tarp. Tarp keeps it warm, so I still sweat if I cover myself. If I dont , I have the ever present mosquito. Six of one, half a dozen of the other. I am really optomistic at this point. I am released from my servitude to the French, and I didn't have to guillotine them. I am about to find a job that pays me, in a restuarant that is run well, and season is about to hit. I am ready. And who knows, maybe I'm supposed to do something else, like dance and play a tamborine in the street while I sing hare krishna.. krishna krishna... hare hare...