Award winning reporting

I just read a couple articles in the new york times and was very quickly reminded why I don't watch or read the news.

First I read about how a repeal of the don't ask don't tell policy for gays in the military failed to pass. I suppose that we are legislating equality is a good thing. Isn't that what the constitution was supposed to have laid out 200 years ago? But we had to make another law saying women are also equal, and another saying blacks are also equal. Now we seem to be trying to decide if homosexuals are also equal... all white heterosexual presbryterian men are equal, everyone else I guess we take on a case by case basis.

Then I read about the wikileaks hooha. Turns out the sexual crimes the founder has been arrested for is that he stopped using a condom... I also read that paypal and mastercard stopped processing payments to wikileaks. The former because it doesn't support illegal activities, and the later apparently had no comment. Now, I'm old enough to be able to read between a couple lines, and something really stinks here. What makes my mind melt though is that I really have no way of knowing what is the truth, therefore I can't form an informed opinion, and even if I could, what would I do with it?

The guy I met last night said this is a nation of stupid people. Not as politically correct as saying it is like an ocean liner that takes time to change course, but essentially the same thing. It makes me sick to read and watch obviously slanted reporting because I know there are a lot of people who believe what they see and read.

So now that I have read the news, I think I will stop reading the news. How this guy in sweden fares, and whether the french ambassador really does have the clap, have no bearing whatsoever on the service I will give to my tables tomorrow. Actually Saturday, I have an undesired, but much appreciated day off tomorrow. And as far as whether or not homosexuals deserve the same rights that I take for granted, well that just infuriates me that anyone could think they don't.

What is ambiguous about "all men are created equal"? What is so @!?#'ing hard to understand about the idea that you are no more and no less than any living being in this universe? EQUAL. It is simple.

So until someone tells me they will give me a boat if I read the news, I'm not reading the news. And I will be working on getting my boat, getting ready to have my boat, until that day arrives.

I'm so happy. I am living indoors, with a good job, on miami beach, with no one to say they won't live on a boat with me. All I lack is the boat, but I know it is at this moment speeding toward me like a runaway train. Clear skies, cool breezes, calm seas, and the wind at my back. Sounds pretty good...

Always choices

I'm still having phone issues. It won't keep a charge, so I don't carry it to work, and when I'm not working it's dark, and the phone has no flash. I have a camera with a flash, but to attach photos to a post, I would have to upload from camera to laptop, then download to phone. And I'm not even sure I can do that. It bumms me out that I'm not posting cool new pictures, but that will come. Rent comes first.

My friend and I discussed my drinking some more, and I think we've negotiated an understanding; I can drink in the apartment, just not all the time. I have been drinking a little too much anyway, so I think everything is copesetic in that area for now.

Last night I finally did make my first homemade caesar salad with grilled chicken and fresh tomato in about five months. It was really good. Had some decent white wine with it too.

I also met a guy living on a 28 foot sailboat. He got the money to buy it from BP. My boat is going to come fast like that too, I just don't know how it will happen. I will have the boat when god let's me have it. The guy told me that when you're 100 miles off shore at night the sky is incredible. "As bright as day" is what he said. He also told me that if I wonder if I should reef my sail, do it. I've heard this before, and since he felt compelled to tell me in what was no more than an hour conversation, I think I will keep it in mind.

There is patience minute to minute and day to day. There is also patience that you hold week to week and month to month. And by patience, I am talking about knowing god will provide everything you need, and waiting for it. God knows what I need before I do. He feeds me, gives me a place to stay before it gets cold, a job, people who he wants me to make good with, and he will give me a boat when it is time.

It's raining this morning, but getting warmer. I have about ten minutes before I have to get ready to go to work. I've done the dishes, figured out the problem with the kitchen light, and I still have to take out the trash. Three weeks ago I didn't have these "problems". Each of us chooses, and our choices become our past and create our future.

As the guy living on his 28 foot sailboat said to me, may you have calm seas and the wind at your back.

No worries... still

Anyone who knows me knows I am pretty independent, and that is an understatement. Today my roommate texted me that she didn't want me to bring alcohol to the apartment anymore. Ok. Did I do something? No.

So I went to work and decided not to worry about it. When I came home, I asked her about it. She thinks I drink too much. No, my behavior doesn't bother her, but one or two with dinner is enough. And besides you can't drink on a boat because it slows your reflexes...

I don't know if she has had bad experiences with alcoholics. I suspect she has, but she's never said anything. I didn't ask. It's her apartment, I respect her feelings, but how much I drink, and when, is my decision.

Knowing that I get aggressive when someone tries to change me, I decided to exercise restraint of tongue and thought. All sorts of scenarios go through my head, and I let them go. My imagination can be useful for managing emotions, and it can also magnify them if I let it go without restraint.

I will say just once that it makes me angry. What makes her think she has any place saying anything about my life? Ok, maybe "mark you're my friend and I care and I think you drink too much", but not "I don't want you to bring alcohol here, it's too much for me". Whatever. Maybe I should just od on sleeping pills.

When people get angry, men in particular, it is because of a percieved threat, and is usually a response to fear. I could fear not being able to enjoy a bottle of wine on the porch after work. I could fear having to give up my roof and bed and sleep in my truck again in the middle of winter. I could just fear losing my independence, and by consequence, my boat.

I'm not going to lose my boat. I don't mind sleeping in my truck, and I'm sure if it came to that I wouldn't be there for very long. Not being able to enjoy wine though, sucks. I like to drink after work in my home. Does that mean I have a drinking problem because I don't want to stop drinking to keep my apartment? Or does it mean that I am hyper-alert to women trying to control me? Why has every woman but one whom I've been with been dissatisfied with me and needed me to change somehow? And I'm not even involved with my friend! She's just a friend.

I don't know if this is how she shows her affection, if she has had a bad experience with men who drink, or if she just likes to control her environment. I just don't see myself being happy though paying rent to live somewhere where I can't live the way I want to. And no, I am not offensive when I drink. I rarely drink to excess, and when I drink I tend to be outwardly more happy and engaging though maybe less substantial.

Oh, and most of the people who I've known who live on boats drink a lot.

So, never a dull moment. Thank god everything is not going swimmingly, because then I would worry about the next shoe. If I have to live in my truck some more, fine. No worries. Even in winter god loves me and will take care of me. And maybe this can turn into a learning experience for both of us. I don't intend to freak out.

Things are much simpler when you have no friends. No close friends in your immediate life anyway. But god brought us together, and I will play it out to the end. I love her, and I am my own person. I don't have an agenda, other than getting on to my boat. I can go to happy hour and skip wine for awhile, but there is nothing wrong with me living my life the way I want to, and everything is wrong with me changing my life to suit someone else. Screw sacrifice, we're not married.

I am pleased that I didn't use the f-word anywhere in this posting. That's normally my first response to people trying to control me. I have no doubt that this will work out for the best. Stay tuned...

Spooning

It's the simple things that really matter, right? Tonight I had brie for the first time in months. Why? Because brie has to be melted to be enjoyed properly, and I've had no stove or microwave.

It has actually gotten cold here. Not by Minnesota standards, but 39 degrees is cold according to most people. That's the foreecasted low tonight. Today wasn't bad. It was actually kind of nice. In the shade it was chilly, so you wanted to wear a sweater or go inside. Inside people were eating, and it was warm, so you got that cozy winter feel, but the thin skinned among us could still sit in the sun and be warm.

Tonight the wind is strong. I went to the store for bread and brie and was cold, and thankful that I have a sheltered place to stay. This is the sort of night that makes you want to spoon with someone and drink hot chocolate. It rained last night and I walked by a homeless guy. I know now what it feels like to know that the night is going to be long and uncomfortable, and even though my heart reached out to him, I didn't.

Why? Because I can't really help. If a friend called me last night and said he needed a place to sleep, I would have invited him over and pulled out the air matress. But I didn't know this guy, and he didn't ask me for help. In fact, he was eating some take out in the lee of the walgreens building. Pretty smart. Walgreens is open 24 hours. He won't have to leave unless someone calls the cops, and no one is going to do that on a cold rainy night.

I was homeless by choice. And while I know that others may not have chosen that life, I know that the experience brought me closer to my higher power. I came to better know who I am and why I am here because I let god take care of me for four months. I didn't ask any one to take care of me, and I was taken care of. Does this make me more of a republican? I hope not. People can have bad breaks and crappy luck. There should be resources in a civilized society to help those who are willing to work be able to feed themselves. And if one isn't willing to work, there should still be basic facilities for hygene and medicine so others don't have to suffer from one person's trauma.

But I am really digressing here. What I really wanted to talk about was spooning. When it gets cold out you want to have someone to come home to that will share warmth with you. And if you have a soulmate that you can't be with, you have to be happy just being warm. Sitting inside, listening to the wind blow outside, I am grateful.

We have a female cat in heat. She is driving the 4 month old male jack russel crazy. Honestly, her hormones are so strong, if I were a cat...

My friend went to sleep at 7:30. I am going to bed soon too. A comfortable bed, inside, with a nice wool, magic blanket to keep me warm through the cold winter night. And I will think about all the cold homeless people tonight. I will pray that they can find the lee side of a dry building and that they can open themselves up to some divine caretaking, some divine intervention, some divine inspiration, and that I be given the instinctual knowledge to do what I am supposed to for the good of all, according to the free will of all, and so must it be...

In the mean time, it's the little things that make the difference. Having some warm brie on a cold winter night. I hope it allows me to wake up rested and recharged, ready to walk to work and serve really good food at affordable prices to people who are willing to give a buck or two more for attentive service. And one day... a sailboat.

Clear skys, calm seas, and someone you love to spoon with on a cold winter night. :)

Warm breezes

I have two things to say tonight. First, it is so nice to spend my whole day saying thank you over and over. Second, I can't imagine what being a jack russel puppy is like.

Man, life is good. I got to drink a bottle of decent wine tonight while wearing flip-flops and a thermal shirt. I don't ever want to live through another winter. I just wish kenney could have spent this one with me. I kept telling him we would go someplace where it doesn't get cold. He got me here, but he didn't get to enjoy 70 degrees in february. God bless his soul.

The weather was lovely today. Work was great. My roommate, friend, is working her program. I am not hungry, I'm clean in every possible meaning of the word, and I am chilling on my bed, indoors, about to eat two or three Krispy Kreme donuts before I pass out. In the morning I will have coffee and cigarettes, I will do callesthenics, and run by the ocean before I go to work at noon. Life is good.

My goodness... to be a jack russel puppy... what exactly is the evolutionary benefit of running and chewing constantly, on everything, until you fall over? I think they eat mice, or rats, so maybe it just takes a lot of mice to feed a growing body? He is so HERE. EVERYWHERE. He doesn't stop untilhe drops,and he wants so much to do the right thing. He keeps comming to me when he does something to see if he gets praise or a scolding. If I can't come back as a tree, maybe I could come back as a jack russel. It takes a lot of energy to train one. Just keeping up with him is challenging.

I can't think of anything I need right now, except for a saolboat. I have been saying that for about 20 years now. 2010 is about to end. Can you believe we've lived a decade since Y2K? It just keeps going faster and faster, doesn't it? All the more reason to get a boat this year. But today was good. Thank you. Thank you for letting me live this life in this body at this time. Thank you for kenny and for billy, and for my truck and my bed.

Clear skys and warm breezes...

If you can see it, you can be it.

Wow. It is a little weird to be normal again... if you call sharing a south beach apartment with your best friend, a suicidal lesbian (who I love completely), a jack russel puppy, a cat with two kittens, and a fish... normal. In my world this is pretty good. There is love busting the seams of this apartment.

My friend is happy in her new job. This makes me happy. She SO deserves a good break. She cooked tonight... we got chicken wings, black beans and rice, plantains, and an avacado for about seven bucks. It was good. But tomorrow, I'm cooking. I haven't had a caesar with grilled chicken (all from scratch) in about six months.

The weather has turned cold. It is supposed to hit the upper 50's tonight, and it only got up to 73 today... hee hee hee... I love florida.

The picture is of Billy, the terminally hyper jack russel. He does stop nowand then, and it is so funny and sudden when he does.

So my life has become normal for a minute. I will be paying rent, paying bills, cooking, exercising... ran again today, it was good... showering every day, and generally doing normal stuff for awhile. What am I going to write about?

Well, I could talk about how not much really bothers me anymore. Boring. I could talk about what bothers the people in my life, and what I see about how they create that. Worse than boring. I could wait until something bothers me then write about it...

I'm sure there will be things to write about. Now, I am just thankful, and happy, and amused. There is almost never a dull moment here. I have to take some more pictures. Always something to look at. New York is sort of similar in it's diversity and it's ever changing facade,but that city doesn't have all it's curiosities as concentrated as they are here. South Beach is an inverted triangle, 22 blocks tall, and about seven blocks wide at the top. There are really only five main streets, and you can walk the circumference in about an hour. Yeah, I need to take some pictures.

Now that I can relax at night. Now that I don't have to think about where I will spend my off hours, I can get a little more involved with this blog. Maybe it's time to start reviewing and seeing if there is any organization that could be done. I have to do something, I'm starting to feel a bit narcissistic. Oh dear, I hope I didn't just jinx myself... I really want to be normal, and stable, and quiet and productive for a little while. I want to be like Billy in the picture for a minute...

It's winter. Season is starting. I have a great job, a safe,warm place to sleep, a really good friend, and a lot of love. Just over four months of very difficult times to get here, but I am where I knew I would be. And I am still here... imagine that.

Reset

This is Billy the jack russell. The picture is blurry because he doesn't stop moving. Ever. Billy came home last night. I missed him, and am so happy for my friend, for Billy, and for me, because he belongs here.

Yesterday morning, before 12, my friend came to my work to tell me she got a job. A great job actually, as a waitress in a cool cafe, where she doesn't need permission to work. I was happy all day. She lit up the room when she told me.

This happened one day after she was supposed to go back to paris. I went to the airport with her. Took a cab actually, because we missed the bus by 45 seconds. We talked to the ticket agent. The flight from charlotte to charles de gaul was cancelled. She could fly out at six, or the next day, or use her ticket before 8 march and pay $200. She said she wanted to stay, the next day she got a job.

I have moved in to the apartment. I settled with myself that I could continue to live in my truck, alone, and save for my boat. And as a choice, I could live in an apartment with my good friend, cook, exercise (because I can shower easily), and live a "normal" life again. And it will take a little longer to get my boat. I still want the boat, and eventually I will get it. While I save though, I will live under a roof.

So her oldest son may come back in january while he waits to go to school in september. Her youngest will stay in paris with her mother and they will both come to visit in the spring.

It's like someone pushed a reset button on life here. I cooked for us, I need more spices and some cookware. We watched a movie. This morning she woke me up at 6:30 to go for a run. My cough is better after just 20 minutes of aerobic exercise. She left for her first day of work about half an hour ago. I have to get ready in about 30 minutes. I am sitting on the porch with a cup of coffee, reflecting on how things always work out if you have the patience to wait and deal with a little uncertainty.