Reset

This is Billy the jack russell. The picture is blurry because he doesn't stop moving. Ever. Billy came home last night. I missed him, and am so happy for my friend, for Billy, and for me, because he belongs here.

Yesterday morning, before 12, my friend came to my work to tell me she got a job. A great job actually, as a waitress in a cool cafe, where she doesn't need permission to work. I was happy all day. She lit up the room when she told me.

This happened one day after she was supposed to go back to paris. I went to the airport with her. Took a cab actually, because we missed the bus by 45 seconds. We talked to the ticket agent. The flight from charlotte to charles de gaul was cancelled. She could fly out at six, or the next day, or use her ticket before 8 march and pay $200. She said she wanted to stay, the next day she got a job.

I have moved in to the apartment. I settled with myself that I could continue to live in my truck, alone, and save for my boat. And as a choice, I could live in an apartment with my good friend, cook, exercise (because I can shower easily), and live a "normal" life again. And it will take a little longer to get my boat. I still want the boat, and eventually I will get it. While I save though, I will live under a roof.

So her oldest son may come back in january while he waits to go to school in september. Her youngest will stay in paris with her mother and they will both come to visit in the spring.

It's like someone pushed a reset button on life here. I cooked for us, I need more spices and some cookware. We watched a movie. This morning she woke me up at 6:30 to go for a run. My cough is better after just 20 minutes of aerobic exercise. She left for her first day of work about half an hour ago. I have to get ready in about 30 minutes. I am sitting on the porch with a cup of coffee, reflecting on how things always work out if you have the patience to wait and deal with a little uncertainty.

No pictures til miami

I remember a girl when I was in high school. She had her nose pierced, and her family didn't watch tv. Let's see, this was in 1979, or maybe 1980, in Indiana. I liked her as a person, but I couldn't understand the no tv thing. What did she do?

Now I am the one who doesn't watch tv. When I left NYC almost six years ago I stopped watching cable. Mostly because I didn't want to pay for it. When the broadcast stations went digital last year, I stopped watching tv all together. Now my tv is in storage in georgia, I'm not even watching movies.

I used to be a news junkie. Then I met someone who refused to watch the news. That was a long time ago, but now I also notice that my life hasn't changed because I don't know what is going on in the koreas. I only mention that because I watched the news today about the artillery skirmish.

Today I watched the news several times, read the news, watched a couple sitcoms. And now I've just had enough. I don't feel any particular way about my family watching tv, it just isn't for me. I notice that I stop thinking when I watch. I identify with the characters in the shows and start feeling the emotions they feel. Except they aren't real, they are playing their roles, which are written to keep people watching, and so there is a kind of positive feedback system going where writers write to the emotions of their audience, and the audience watches what excites them the most.

I know that's an oversimplification, and really the thing that bothers me the most is getting my emotions from identifying with an actor, instead of interacting with the people around me. I am calmer, more stable, than I used to be, and I have more meaningful friendships.

I'm not saying anyone should stop watching tv, but I wonder what the world would be like if they did?

It is nice to be with family. I wish all my family could be in the same place at the same time. It is nice to sleep indoors, to eat without worring where I will poop in a few hours. I can drink as much water as I want because there is a bathroom no more than 20 m from me at all times. And that's good because I have some chest congestion and need to flush it out.

And also, I like my spartan lifestyle. I am happy where I am, and where I am going. My friend leaves Monday. That means I will see her again for a minute. Then I need to figure out where I will bivouac next. Someday it will be on a sailboat, and I will be figuring out where I will anchor next.

I am really happy to be with family, I don't resent them in the least for their success, quite the opposite, I am happy they have the comfort they do. And I am not worried about going back to my truck. I have a very good life. I think I am a good man. And I pray that I can continue to love and not resent, not hurt, not be jealous.

Tommorow is thanksgiving, my favorite holiday. I like to celebrate it everyday. Cold breezes tonight in philly, but I can't see the sky from my bed, I hope you sleep well tonight too.

C'est la vie

My friend is leaving. She is giving her jack russel puppy, Billy, to her "husband". Tomorrow morning I leave for philly. They will be gone when I get back.

My heart hurts. I have become very attached to Billy. I met him before he could see, when he was eating from a bottle. About six weeks old. Since then he has turned into a jack russel puppy. A mouth on legs, with sharp teeth. I want to take him, but I don't think it is right. I hate the thought of him living with a backward cracker from louisianna, but even backward crackers can love, and Billy will definitely keep him occupied. And I think he will take good care of Billy. And I just don't think it is right for me to take him, even though I want to so badly.

And I am going to miss my friend and her sons very much. And I know it isn't going to be easy for them in paris. No matter where you go, there you are. But her mom is there, she has an apartment there, and there is no language barrier. Funny that she doesn't like french people. She says they only care about themselves and their money. People from north africa,she says, take care of each other more. Maybe it is another example of how having money makes you want to protect it, and having no money makes you want to protect what really matters; friends and family.

I am blessed to have met her. She wants something to remember me by, and I have no idea what to give her. It's not like I have a lot of things in my truck that I dont need and use. I have about 12 square feet of storage space, and another 24 square feet to sleep in, sometimes covered.

So nothing stays the same. The only constant is change. Another chapter is about to start for me. I look forward to it with joy. I know god has good stuff in store for me. I have a lot to give, and he will bring the souls into my life who will gain from me, and I from them. That's how it works.

Oh yeah, if there is anyone who likes button flys, please tell me why. I have one pair of shorts with a button fly. I only wear them when I do laundry. I can't imagine why anyone would like them, except maybe young women because they are difficult to get into. Levi strauss has had them for a long time. It is the first thing I check when I buy jeans. Give me a nice zipper,and I am happy. Simple things for simple minds, right?

No worries. Clear skys and cool breezes make the heart happy. Keep the faith, and create love where you live.

Prime directive

Sometimes it seems like almost all the people in my life either have a big self that gets between us when we talk, or they want to change me somehow. Life is so much simpler when you let go of your self. Let go of wanting, trying to control, worrying. Just be, and be with those you choose to be with. Just be when you walk, when you talk, when you listen. Yesterday is history, and tomorrow's a mystery, so now is all we have. Stay there, it makes things easier for everyone.

And as far as changing me goes, forget it. Bigger men than you have tried and failed. It ain't gonna happen. I am who and what I am by choice, and my god says it is okay. So who do you think I'm going to listen to, the living force of all reality, or you?

My friend didn't go to train today. She said she was feeling too bad to stand all afternoon. She didn't call. She said she will go back to Paris. That's ok, I just feel sad because she is still feeling bad. And I am afraid that she is going to continue feeling bad instead of doing something about it. It sucks sometimes when people you love hurt themselves. But there's nothing I can do about it. I'm just sad that she's still not happy. She will figure it out though, and I will be her friend.

So, my life goes on. Life perpetuates itself. Living things heal themselves. I was serious about just being. One of my many mottos, most of which I have picked up from somewhere, is take only pictures, leave only footprints. I think that was the essence of the star trek prime directive, and maybe the oath doctors take... first do no harm. Hippocratic oath? Funny name.

It really does make life simpler. If you don't have to make anything happen, just suit up, show up, and trust in god, things work out. So I guess that's all I have to say tonight. Don't worry, be happy. Just be... here... now.

Funny...

If you don't get attached to results... if you say and act toward what you want and let god make things happen the way he wants, things work out so much better.

My friend is not 100% yet, but this morning I found her eating a banana and drinking tea without anyone asking her to. Tonight, she was herself again. She had decided to return to Paris. We talked about what was good about that decision, we talked about things she could do if she chose to stay here.

This morning before I left for work she told me they were leaving on the 25th. Thanksgiving. She would be gone before I returned from Philly. I told her cool. She said she would give me a key to her apartment so I could use it until the owner arrived from Austrailia mid-December.

I was so sad. I went to work knowing it was a good decision for her to go back, and knowing that I would be fine. I am a survivor; a cat, like my mom says, I always land on my feet. But it made me sad to think of not having my friend, my family anymore. I remembered losing Kenny, my sun-god chihuahua, and my soul-mate, the only woman I have ever shared real love with, and I felt old. Old, but grateful. These loves that I have been blessed with have given me so much. Self-respect, tolerance and patience for others, and an experience of love that I can give to others. Love without expectations. A simple joie de vive.

So, I haven't been able to figure out what anyone in this apartment wants. They keep their feelings close to their chests. I have been trying to get her oldest son to cut my hair for four days. He keeps saying ok, and never does it. So tonight I decided to cut my own damn hair. I have to learn how anyway, right?

So I'm about to go into the bathroom, and the phone rings. It is one of the places my friend applied, and they want her to come and train tomorrow. I cut my own hair. I only screwed it up a little over my left ear. Not too noticible, I think. After I shower, I find all three of them looking at apartments on the internet. They are smiling. I am happy. I haven't seen them act happy together for over a week.

So maybe they will stay. Maybe we will keep being a family for a minute. And maybe not. Only god knows, but I I know everything will be okay no matter what happens. God's will is perfect, god's will is sufficient. I want to live in his house.

Clear skys and cool salty breezes. No worries :)

Please do not bath, shave, or wash your clothes here

I just realized that I've only eaten one banana today, at about 10:30 this morning, and haven't really noticed my normal cognitive changes that come with hunger. I figure it's because my body is burning those extra couple pounds I picked up from eating pasta almost every day.

At my restuarant after we have set up, but before we open, they bring out a big bowl of pasta, and we all sit down at a table and eat together. I knew this was called family meal from other places I've worked, but this is the first time the name has had any meaning. And man, the pasta is always so good.

Anyway, I went to the library to find a manual for my phone online, but then inspected it closer with a flashlight. The insulation is peeling away from the cable that connects the screen to the body and rolls out when I slide open the keyboard. My phone is shorting out in the closed position. Can't afford to fix it yet, but soon, and I won't waste any more money on batteries.

I came back home and found my friend seriously upset. She still wasn't eating or drinking, and I called my cousin, the doctor (classic line, except I think it is my daughter or son, the doctor). By the time I was able to reach her, my friend had started drinking, was able to walk, and was pretty alert with clear speach. I thought before that I might have to call for paramedics. It was very reassuring to talk to my cousin, the doctor, and learn that my friend probably was going to be okay.

Still, I spent the rest of the day nursing her as she needed. Her "husband" came by a little while ago. I'm having some difficulty accepting this guy, but I recognize that I dont know everything. Just because I would kick the guy out of my life faster than you can say divorce doesn't mean that is what my friend should do. I only know what I can see, and I can't see everything. Clearly the situation was tense though, and I learned that my friend's blow up Sunday was directed at him, with the main thrust being leave me alone, so I stayed until he left.

Now I'm having a happy hour beer on an empty stomach. I decided to eat afterwards to maximize the effects of the beer. More buzz for my buck. And because I still wasn't really hungry and I've been getting fat again. OMG!

Well, be careful what you wish for. My short period of anxiety because everything was going so well is over. Even though my job is going great, my friend may go back to Paris at the end of the month so I might lose my most comfortable bivouac. I really like my living space at the moment, but I don't think I'm too attached to it. If she leaves and I have to move, I may go through a short period of discomfort, but I am certain I will be taken care of. God is moving me where he wants me, and if I have to leave, it just means this assignment is over.

I really like being with my friend and her family. I like playing with the puppy. And I'm sure there will be a new assignment quickly if this one ends. There are a lot of potential problems with me leaving this spot, but there's not much to be gained by going over them.

So I still expect to leave in four days, though I was wondering this morning. Still really looking forward to it, and am hoping to make enough money before then to have a key made for my truck. There will be only three days before the end of the month when I return, and if she leaves, I want to be able to leave too. I will.

I think a lot about the couple people who I know read this blog pretty regularly who aren't my parents. It must get kind of boring sometimes. Nothing much is moving right now, until recently, I mean. My boat is really nowhere in sight, but getting caught up on my bills is. How exciting. Is it weird to think my life is boring? Has to be a statement about human nature in there somewhere.

I'm running out of stuff to say tonight. I'm thinking about some food, and picking up some limes for my friend because she won't drink water, but she will drink limeade. That's not really so unusual, I had to get used to drinking a lot of plain water, but it is just so good for you.

The sign on the mirror is at the public library. There really are a lot of homeless people here. The city has to be one of few in the US with the problems that creates.

Re: No regrets

Stupid phone...

On Nov 18, 2010 8:24 PM, "mark kilburn" <mkilbu01@gmail.com> wrote:

I want to keep writing because I want to believe that someone benefits from knowing that someone else experiences the same kinds of challenges. And I need to let go of the idea that I am an oddity or a subject of study. I started writing this blog to share and record my experiences after I let go of nearly all of my support. I took a leap in faith, and I wanted to share what happened after.

I am still homeless after nearly four months. The first three were pertty challenging, but they made me trust god more than I ever have before. In the last month I have been adopted by a kindly stranger, her two sons, dog, cat, two kittens, and fish. I feel a little like a stray that has found a home. Sort of...

The experience has changed me. For the good I think, but for sure, I am not the same person who left Newnan, Georgia four months ago. I will see some of my family in less than a week, and I am looking forward to it. I love them, and like all family, there have been little chinks. I am really looking forward to seeing all of them again, and am anxious to see if I feel any differently around them.

My friend still hasn't regained her will to live. She is dehydrated, and resists drinking fluids. Today she told me she will go back to Paris. I told her fine, but she won't make it on to the plane if she doesn't start drinking to flush out the poisons. I also told her I am off tomorrow and intend to bother her all day to drink fluids. I wish I had a splif. That would help her right now. Oh well, guess it's not to be. She'll have to stay sober for a little while.

She isn't suicidal, she just has no desire to take on life at the moment. But there are signs of progress... she gave her son money to go to the store today. Atleast I think she did. He may have just taken the money. I hope not. She also drank about 200 ml of some fruit juice I made for her. But that was all...

Tomorrow I am off. I need to go to the library so I can access the service manual for this phone and try to fix the darn thing. And I need to try to convince my friend that if she doesn't replace her fluids orally, eventually someone is going to do it for her intravenously. And that will have associated, undesirable consequences. It is her choice, I just hope she chooses to pick up the fight again, because she now has a pretty resourceful ally; yours truly.

I think I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. I feel that as strongly as ever, actually. I am still aiming for the boat, but in the mean time, god has put someone in my life who seems to be needing a little help. And he seems to be giving me the resources to help. So, that's what I will do to the best of my ability until it is done. And eventually, I will get the boat. And I will get the physicians assistant lisence, and I will find a community that needs me. And until then I will serve great Itallian food at a reasonable price to people who are happy to pay for my fantastic service.

And I will visit the ocean, dance to reggae, and smoke pot whenever I feel like it. But mostly, I will be grateful for a dry place to sleep, good food, good friends and family, and a chance to give some of my blessings back to others. Funny, I just had the thought that if somehow I could read what I just wrote when I was a teen-ager I would wonder how I could be so deluded. And if I could talk to myself now as a teen-ager, I would say keep fighting, don't settle for anything less than the truth. No regrets.