OMG...

OMG...(I hate that acronym, but it fits here) a friend gave me a copy of "Eat Pray Love", and I just started to read it today. I would swear someone was plagerizing my blog, except that it was published a year before I started. I almost decided to stop reading it so I could continue to claim that all my thoughts are original, then I remembered that there is nothing that hasn't been said and done before, and that truth is where you find it, and that I will take all the help I can get. And, even if my words don't spring forth from a totally new and unique consciousness, at least I can say that what you see me do, and read in my blog are pretty much on the edge of my experience. I haven't spent two years experiencing, only then to reflect, integrate, and write my conclusions. You are getting the raw intelligence relating to my experiences as I grow, almost as quickly as it all comes to me. It leaves me open to criticism as naive, and I will accept that, re-affirming that humility and service are the highest ideals. Remember, I am not special or perfect. You can do this at home if you want to.

Yes, I am dealling with feeling a bit scooped at the moment. Someone else is writing, in retrospect, about everything I have been struggling through for the past two years. I'm not too worried though. I see three possible outcomes from me reading this book; one, it turns out we start from the same point, but end up going through different things until we end parallel to each other. Two, we start from the same point and go in radically different directions, eventually landing in entirely different places. And three, we do exactly the same things, but I report, and you experience, the craziness as it occurs, without the benefit of hindsight. Any of these outcomes is acceptable to me, and because it is my self-centered blog, that's all that matters. Actually, there is a fourth, and much more likely possible outcome, and that is that we start from different points and come together in a beautiful and loving way that furthers the evolution of all beings and brings us a fraction of an order of magnitude closer together for one devine instant of time. I like that one, and I feel better now.

I can already see we are starting from different points. She had the life. I had the addiction. She understands me, probably, in that space of craving and self-loathing. Hers was about a partner and things, mine was about a partner and some heavy drugs. She recounts her rebirth in a way that had me nearly in tears. I had that moment, but my significant memory is of the flipside of the coin. I remember being so low... so low... and how I surrendered control of my life, and how I felt a hole becomming filled with love, divine love, that I had not even noticed to exist before. Yet the NEED drove me for five years, and hounded me for another seven before I came to now, struggling with my current set of really great problems. They aren't even worth the space it would take to list them.

So.... with all that said, here is the update. I have decided to surrender, again. I am moving out of my apartment within the week, and there are three (again with the three!) possible outcomes...

One, tomorrow I move two apartments West, in with an italian guy who has a week left before he leaves, and a soo cute italian girl bartender who has been checking me out, and is staying for another month. Emphasis on girl. She is so enticing, and way too young for me. A friend to learn italian with? That would be awesome! I just got my first phrasebook from the library. Tuto benne! I don't even know if I spelled that right, but I will be learning soon. It's a passion...

Two, I stay stuck where I am until Saturday when my lovely Canadian Snowbird friends, two apartments East, go back home and they let me stay for free in their apartment, alone, for the rest of the month. Emphasis here on what happens the first week in May? Will there be another bed open in this building that I can take? Or, will I be able to save enough in a month to pay for, and find, my own studio with parking, alone, somewhere else?

Three, something from out of nowhere hits me like a speeding freight train and turns out to be exactly what god had planned for me all along. God in the lower case because that's how I prefer to sign my name, and there is no doubt in my military mind that god is right here with me, in the trenches. I'm sure she/he/it doesn't give a flying f**# how I call him, but when we speak, it is meaningful for me to say "father".

I read recently on CNN's website, that computers are expected, within the next five years to be able to perform something like a quadrazillion operations in a tenth of a millisecond. That's pretty damn close, and maybe more, than what yours and my brains can do when they are sober and alert. All they lack is organization, and I am sure that will come within three to five years after. My android phone will suddenly become my android personal assistant, and in some cases, maybe my android proxy. (... my android lover? I hear Harrison Ford around the corner...)

Do you recognize that we are seeing our world turned upside-down and inside-out? Will you respond by retreating to fundamentalist religeous core values, or do you give your life and your future over to god, as you see him, to make of you as he will? Is it us and them... or maybe, it is us and our past divided but evolving into one?

Oh My God... East, West, or South? May you live in interesting times :)