Freight train

It was the third outcome. Yesterday I moved into an entirely different apartment. One of my roommates is actually a friend, a guy I met shortly after I moved in a couple months ago. He is out of town, visiting his family for a week. The other is french, not a good sign, but I haven't seen him in the 24 hours that I have been there. I got a very good night sleep last night, and woke up early for my day off.

I feel my heart beginning to thaw, or relax, or maybe open a little. For the last two months, I have been protecting it from the toxic, always unfriendly and often openly hostile environment that I was liviing in. Instincively, and deliberately, I erected my protective walls. I showed as little of my self as possible, and used whatever force was necessary to repell attacks, both psychological and physical. On the last night it took two of them to overpower me and push me out of the apartment. 15 minutes later, miami beach's finest arrived, on my side this time since I had called them, and cleared a path for me to get back to my bed. The next morning I packed, and moved my things out.

I have a couple small bruises, nothing that won't be gone in a day or so. I'm recognizing how armoured I'd become now that it is safe to relax a little. If I were perfect, I would have been able to live in that environment in peace, and possibly have helped my roomates grow. But I am definitely not perfect, and now I am greateful to have had the experience. I'm still working out what I learned about myself and how I interact with others.

Oh yeah, so... my new apartment is safe and even more disgusting than the last one. In two days though, I get to move into my snowbird friend's place, for free, alone, for at least three weeks. I'm not even going to unpack here. I'm recognizing that I created a very difficult space that I am just now comming out of. I have three weeks to heal, and process, build and plan. Do I stay in the same building with roommates again? Do I find a studio where I can continue to live by myself? Does god, once again, have something totally different and even more wonderful in store for me? Only time will tell.