Slovak women

I am very far away from driving down to my dealer's place to pick up a bag and spend away another night in crackland. And also, I find myself in that in-between world that invites self-destruction. One of our friends came by tonight. He was born northafrican, speaks arabic, french, spanish, and english. He was forlorn about losing his slovak girlfriend...

I know something about slovak women; they are very beautiful, and they fight with shovels. Everytime I see this guy, I want to do push-ups and brush up on my judo, and wrestling take-downs.

This is my life now. I give service to everyone, and I fight the urge to be aggressive. I mentioned satan a couple postings ago. Satan lives on my left shoulder. He whispers in my ear constantly. Pride, anger, envy, covetousness, greed, gluttony, and sloth. There is always a voice encouraging me to be upset, to turn against others.

And god lives on my right shoulder. His voice is a whisper. When I give up suddenly and ask for guidence, it is him that turns my attention toward a bird picking at garbage. He says you will never be hungry. He knows what I need before I do. He says never forget that I will never leave you. He says be happy now, because today, you have everything you need. And, he says, tomorrow will be the same.

So, I guess there's not much to say. My life is good. I have everything I need, and I am able to give love to others every day. What else is there? My soulmate? She is for another lifetime. Maybe there is someone who would like to be with me in this life. Maybe not. We'll see.

I have reggae and good earphones. I have beautiful trees to hear my thoughts, a great dog to love me, and a very good friend to cook mussels for me once in awhile. The moon is waxing, the weather is becomming summer-like. The nights are cool, I have a nice bed, sheltered from the rain and the mosquitos.

I remember driving drunk up to my dealer's place in sandy springs through downtown atlanta. I can remember almost every curve, and how my craving increased, the closer I got. I remember the satisfaction of pulling into his drive and him answering my call. Then the bliss of my first hit before I pulled out of his driveway. I remember not remembering much that came after, and I remember a couple highway landmarks, stoned, that always got me back home. And I am so grateful that I don't have to do that anymore.

I don't have to kill my hurt with cocaine anymore because I have given up my hurt. I like where I live, I like where I work, I like how I spend my time away from work. Life is hard, I can't change that. But we all choose our problems, and I have made enough good choices now, that I can live with my problems. Actually, at the momemt, I find myself helping those I care about to make choices they can live with too. I think that's what they mean by paying it forward. Please let me keep my head about me enogh to continue to pay it forward.

Cool breezes, and a steady wind at your back..