I'm the ugly one on the right...

I bought myself a used bicycle about two weeks before christmas. Someone stole it about a week ago. I had it locked infront of the apartment where I always do, chained with one of those coiled steel cable locks that open with a combination. Four digits, 9999 possible combinations, and mine was nowhere near 1 or 9999. When I woke up in the morning, the bike and the lock were gone.

I was upset, but knew there was nothing I could do to get it back, so I set about accepting, and getting over it. I had to walk 15 minutes to work instead of biking five. My roommate and our friend bought bikes at the same time, now I can't ride places with them. I will buy another one sometime before too long, and I will get one of those alloy U-locks that lock the crossbar with a key. I hate keys, but those locks seem to be the best.

It is a week later, and I still find myself getting angry about it. To me, that's a signal that there is something I need to pay attention to. Anger let's you know something is wrong, so you can do something about it. There is nothing for me to do, so why am I getting angry? Will whatever is behind the anger come out sometime in some inappropriate and destructive manner?

So I was walking home from work tonight, felt angry, noticed I felt angry, and wondered why I was still angry. What comes to mind when I allow myself to feel the anger?

I am walking and I am tired. It was so nice to leisurely ride home and be there in five minutes. Someone has made my tired old body work harder, and made the beach less accessable to me... Can I let that go? Maybe there was a good reason why my bike was stolen. Maybe the increase in exercize is what I need to keep lung cancer or a stroke at bay. I actually like walking, I will buy another bike soon, so yeah, I can let that go... is there still anger? Yup.

Okay, what's it feel like? Someone stole my property. I work hard for my money, it isn't right for someone else to take what I have earned, when I haven't freely given it to them. It isn't fair. Yeah, that's closer. It resonates more. Can I let that go? ... Life isn't fair. Nothing is permanent. Everything changes. Possession and ownership are illusions and fleeting. Life is basically unsatisfactory (dhuky). These are core beliefs of mine, so yes, I can let that go too... is there still anger? ... Yup.

What does it feel like? It hurts. I loved that beat up old bike that I thought no one would want to steal. I bought it for myself. The first thing, other than clothes for work and stuff I had to have, that I've bought myself in a very long time. The last thing I can remember buying for myself is a Nikon digital SLR. Beautiful camera. I bought it in 2007... it was stolen by movers when I was transferred from philly to atlanta. God that hurt, it still hurts... now we're getting somewhere.

I bought that bicycle as a present for myself, because I felt like I deserved it. It only cost $55. Having it stolen made me feel like I didn't deserve to have it. I can kind of understand a $2000 camera that I bought on credit being taken from me, but a $55 bicycle that I paid cash for?!?

If this isn't the bottom of the anger, it is atleast significant. Fear is always behind anger. I am affraid I am unworthy of having anything nice. Wow, that almost makes me want to cry... can I let that go?

I am mostly a good person. I am not perfect, I make mistakes. I can be selfish and uncaring. But most of the time, I try to be kind, generous, considerate, and loving. People treat me in such a way that I believe they mostly feel those good things from me. I don't feel guilt very often, and when I do, I try to make appropriate amends. So, maybe I am good enough to deserve a bike and other nice things. Maybe I have a conceptual error; maybe having nice things has nothing to do with deserving them. That's gotta be true, if I take one look around me. But just because other people, bad people have nice things doesn't mean I am like them. In fact, maybe having nice things makes you bad? Afterall, I really don't need anything I don't already have...

Do I still feel anger? No, I feel naked. Can I deal with that? Being naked is better than being angry, so yes I can. Have I gotten to the bottom? I don't know. I won't know until I feel angry again, remind myself that I am okay, deserve love, and see if the anger disappears. But for tonight, that's enough. One psychic surgery at a time is all I can handle.

Life is good. I am cultivating inner peace by pulling one angry, greedy, lazy, prideful, lustful, envious, or gluttonous weed at a time.

I love you, but I'm still working on loving myself. Good night :)

Fwd: Sorry, no picture tonight :)

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: "mark kilburn" <mkilbu01@gmail.com>
Date: Jan 3, 2012 10:15 PM
Subject: Sorry, no picture tonight :)
To: "go@blogspot.com" <go@blogspot.com>

I am not far enough South yet! Yesterday was the beginning of the first cold front of the season for miami beach. Tonight the forecasted low is 39 F. That is simply uncivilized to me, and while I know my friends and family up North and out West are chuckling at me while they endure snow and sub-freezing temperatures, I live (by choice, I might add...) on a sub-tropical latitude.

So here, we get two months or so of chilly weather, with three day bursts of what I call cold weather (read lows in the 40's, or... brrr... in the high 30's) in a kind of Gaussian pattern centered around the first of february. Translation: january and february are my least favorite months here, and I am really happy when we get our first 80 degree day sometime in the beginning of march. December this year was incredible! Last year I was shivering before christmas, today is 3 jan 12. A blessed four week reprieve to the onset of winter.

But the first cold snap of the season is not the real reason I am writing tonight. The last two weeks, christmas through the new year and the surrounding days, are what they call "high season" here. These 14-21 days (depending on when they fall) are the among the busiest of the year. Holloween is, I think, acually the busiest day, but I'm talking about weeks now. People from mostly the Northeast, the Midwest, and Western Europe all plan their holiday vacations with their spoiled, obnoxious children for a week or so in sunny miami. Or, the barely legal prodgeny of the aforementioned parents, plan their holiday break in South Beach, where else? So they can start next semester with a hangover and a good tan...

I actually am enjoying the first day of three glorious days off, the first multiple day-off week since Thanksgiving. But even that is not what I really want to write about tonight.

Tonight I had a chance to read the news from multiple sources for the first time in three weeks. I had a serious existential conversation with two of my closest friends about what is the most effective way to positively influence the world, and as I sit on my porch wearing a blanket over my head to keep warm, I just had an altercation with a wandering drunk who wanted a cigarette and some of my wine. He got some harsh words instead, and I got another thump on the head from god telling me to get to the point.

I am a staunch democrat. To me, that means I expect the money I pay in taxes, and I don't mind paying a little more, to be used to help the people I can't help myself. I consider taking care of my little corner of the world; loving my family and my neighbor, and treating them as I would have them treat me, to be beyond politics. This is the core of a GOOD existence. I don't care if you are republican, democrat, independant, socialist, liberal, communist, or nazi, you must take care of first yourself, and then ALL of those around you (to the best of your god-given ability).

Once you have that little primary directive squared away, then you can start talking about your politics. To me, that means how the money I give to the government that represents me both nationally and internationally, is spent. In this respect, I am a democrat.

My friends cornered me a week ago to tell me about a Belgian family that kept their kids in the basement and sexually and emotionally abused them for 20 years, and my friends were outraged when I didn't really show any emotional response whatsoever.

I met a man in the keys, about 20 years ago, who shocked me by telling me that he never watched the news. I was a CNN junkie back when it was only headline news. His name was Ray, or David, depending on whether he trusted you or not, and he said the news was all about stuff he couldn't change, and his life didn't change whether he watched it or not. I was flabbergasted, but I never forgot his words.

Over the last 20 years I have come to realize that he spoke a TRUTH to me. There are way too many things; ugly, nasty things in this world that I can never change. I told my two friends tonight that I see evil, selfishness, and greed everyday, here, now, at work, and on the street. Every day, I try to radiate love and peace, I curb my negative instincts, and try to help those close to me want to do the same. It is up to them. It is up to you and to me, how much energy we want to spend on this peace/god/love thing. To be honest, I've lapsed a little over the past two weeks.

AA has a saying; hungry, angry, lonely, tired. HALT. When you feel those things, even one, stop and check yourself because your next stop could be a liquor store, or an altercation with your employer, or your neighbor... get the picture?

Well, I've been tired, and angry, and with the holidays, lonely. I haven't even thought of using, but I haven't thought about much besides myself either.

Tonight I woke up. I made it through the "holidays", again. I played my guitar today for the first time in almost a week, and I reclaimed myself. I am a buddhist, an artist, a democrat, and I believe and trust that there is a god who takes care of me even when I can't.

I promise to never stop trying to take care of my corner of the world. It makes me a little sick to give this credit, but George Bush Sr. got it partially right with his "thousand points of light" idea. Problem was that he forgot that there is a world beyond my sphere of influence that I pay our perverted, yet duly elected, representatives to handle for me. I expect the philosophy of love and respect, that I strive to live by, day in and day out, in south miami beach, to be the same code that we, as a nation, participate in what is so clearly a global community in all that the label entails.

There is a major evolution of human society taking place around us as I speak. We are decades away, as a society, from catching up with the technology that has made "nation" an outdated concept. We are not americans, armenians, brits, belgians, russians, nor africans anymore. We are Earthlings. Within the next 10 years, yes, by the time I am 58, we will find life outside our galaxy. Then or diplomatic skills will really come to the test.

I pay taxes with the expectation that those around me also take care of their families and their neighbors to the best of their abilities. It is only an expectation, and I recognize that sloth, one of the seven deadly sins, is pervasive in my nation, and my culture. I am one voice. And I am imperfect.

It is 55 F at 22:02, and dropping. Some would wish they were here, others are glad they are not. I am reclaiming my love for this planet and it's humanity, while I reserve the right to be a crotchety old bastard when I want, because I am pretty sure, I've earned the right. I will gladly take critiques from anyone, but I will receive it better if you are older than me.

Sorry no pictures tonight. I love you.

Oh yeah, and as for homeless people like I once was, do what I did, play to your strengths, trust in god, and don't ask me for any more cigarettes. I bummed ONE cigarette in four months of being homeless. It isn't about need, it is about motivation. Do something!

Awake and still alive

I just never get bored of seeing the moon rise over the ocean. I can't wait to be seeing it from the cockpit of my boat as I take my first cruises around the keys and the bahamas. No, I don't have it yet. I'm still comfortably land locked with a roof, unlimited electricity and hot water, and a great grocery store just a few blocks away. But I can't wait for the transitional period where I'm living on the boat, but still working and walking to my favorite produce and meat section. That is when I will start taking two, three days, and an occassional week off to learn the ins and outs of coastal cruising and the quirks of my new home on the water. That vision is what keeps me happy. Living beside the ocean now gets me closer to it's realization. I'm gonna try hard to make it happen in 2012.

I think it's safe now to reveal a couple details about my last eight months. On april fools day, my roommate was detained by the authorities. She had stayed in this country past her alloted three months. I went from living in my truck and scraping by day by day to being responsible for a crazy, lovable, flea-bitten puppy, a pregnant cat, and an apartment that I couldn't afford, literally overnight. Up to that point, I had been happy to come up with just half the rent.

But it wasn't just the animals and the physical space, my friend had put a lot of work into making the apartment her space. I was suddenly faced with a choice to either bug out, put the animals in the shelter and look for a cheap place to stay, maybe go back to being homeless, or somehow try to caretake my friend's life for her until her situation was resolved.

Let me remind you that I was living in the open bed of my pickup truck for two months on the street, picking up tickets two or three times a week, moving the truck two or three times a day, when this person who came into my restuarant-hell while I was working, told me I could park in her unused parking space. For two months I was in heaven. I put up a tarp over the bed, and she let me make coffee and shower in her apartment almost every day. Her two beautiful sons were living with her, and they took me into their family like a stray dog. It was a crucial moment, and she gave me a place to make a stand.

The evil french couple that had me essentially in servitude for four months sold the restuarant, and I was out of a job for about two weeks. My mother and to some extent, my father, came through for me, once again, and fed me until I landed the job I thought I would have found two weeks after I got here in the slowest time of the year. I think I mentioned that I would never again move somewhere in the off-season.

The restuarnt I work for now is paradise. I had to suffer eight months of slow lunch shifts before I finally became permanent on the dinner crew. But now, I am making bank. I will stay there until I leave miami.

My roommate was detained for six months, and I somehow, with god's help, kept the apartment. Got rid of the fleas, gave the kittens to the shelter (they were sooo cute, I'm sure they were all adopted... I tell myself), got the cat spayed, and managed to keep the place pretty much as she left it.

She didn't take captivity well. She was well on her way to becomming institutionallized when they finally let her out, six months later. It has been a couple months now, and I am so proud of her. She is almost completely back to herself. She kicked the pills they had her on in the first week, and the has lost 30 of the 40 Lbs she gained in there. She has increased the cleanliness of the apartment by atleast one order of magnitude, and has reclaimed her artistic lisence with the interior design.

In fact, she has reclaimed her life with a vengence. To the point where she has nearly kicked me out twice. But it is a difficult situation. She can't work, and I continue to pay all the bills. The realty company that took over the building thinks I am the owner.

Now, remember that I am a pretty simple guy. I work, I read, I am learning to play guitar, and I drink everyday to pass time and save money until I can buy a sailboat. When I drink I relax, think about my future, and sometimes stay up late looking at google earth, plotting my way points, or ordering obscure books from amazon.com. But I am quiet, never caustic unless provoked, and pretty much just go about my business without worrying how other people see me. Unfortunately, my friend has had past experiences with alcoholics, and has diagnosed me as such.

We finally reached a peace when I told her I planned to leave as soon as she got back on her feet. I can't bail out on her. I've spent the whole year trying to repay her for helping me when I needed it most. But I also am twice divorced, and damed if I'll let some woman dictate how I will live my life.

If this all sounds familiar to you, there is nothing new under the sun. These are classic man-woman dynamics. The weird thing here is that they are being played out by a buddhist monk and a lesbian in south beach. Plus ce change, plus c'est la meme chose. The more things change, the more they stay the same (Rush. 2112, I think...).

So, my friend is back, my life is good, and I've started my blog again. I don't really know yet what the blog is about, but another year is clicking on the dial of life. 50 is fast approaching, and I still don't have a boat. But I do have a great job, plenty of things to talk about, and a boat fund that is slowly gaining weight.

It is december again. Last year was really cold at this time. Now it is highs in the 70's, lows in the 60's, and plenty of sunshine.

I listen to reggae and blues on pandora, and before you know it, will be playing my own renditions on my brand new electric guitar... well ok, the guitar is used, but its new to me, and the amp is out of the box.

Until my next post, stay awake and live, blogland. :)

Fwd: Lauren says to start writing again

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: "mark kilburn" <mkilbu01@gmail.com>
Date: Dec 24, 2011 2:42 AM
Subject: Fwd: Lauren says to start writing again
To: <mkilbu01@blogger.com>

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: "mark kilburn" <mkilbu01@gmail.com>
Date: Dec 24, 2011 2:35 AM
Subject: Lauren says to start writing again
To: <blogger@blogspot.com>

I just bought an electric guitar, and I am thrilled. I have tried to learn the guitar two or three times in my life, always with an acoustic, I've even taken lessons a couple times. But I never stuck with it. I always wanted an electric guitar.

I bought one last night from a place called miami beach music exchange. The owner's name is marty, and he is only open from 8pm-3am, Thursday through Sunday. So around 11 pm, after we celebrated the solstice, I rode my bike up to Purdy Avenue and bought my first ever electric guitar. I was so worried I would drop the amp as I rode home, but I made it.

Because I am not christian, and because I don't have a significant other right now, I pretty much avoid christmas, and am happy when it is past. The winter solstice though, is different. You probably already know this, but the winter solstice is the shortest day of the year, and the longest night. Symbolically, it is the birth of the life force, and the beginning of the decline of the death force. The birth of Jesus, conveniently, is celebrated three days later. Those christians knew what they were doing, and you can't fault them for trying to celebrate life with the pagans. That's as far as I'm going tonight on that subject.

So I haven't posted for awhile. I started my blog to chronicle my experiences in homelessness: a direct result of my leap of faith by staying in miami beach after I ran out of money. My choice, I think, was validated as I found a home, a good job, and a new life. I am happy again.

I read somewhere that art is born of pain. That to produce art, the artist must suffer. Well, I'm not suffering, and my art kind of dried up for awhile. But then christmas and the solstice came around again. I wrote a "blog post", but really it was an email to my closest family. They pretty much all told me that I should be writing. Really, it wasn't my greatest work, just some ramblings about the solstice, and my cat killing a mouse.

Tonight though, I got a voicemail from my friend kelly, whom I worked with in newnan, georgia, just before I came here. Kelly writes an awesome blog called waiting for tips. She told me about someone who reads her blog, who asked if she read any other blogs. Kelly told the someone, her name is Lauren, about my blog. And apparently she read the whole thing, and believe it or not, she liked it. Kelly called me to tell me to start writing again... for lauren...

So I guess because I've been having some things I want to say rolling around in my head for awhile, and because my family thinks I should, and because Lauren liked my blog, maybe I will try to start writing again.

This is my hello posting. In a day or two, I will tell you what I've been up to since I last wrote. Its funny, I've been playing the guitar for only two days now, but the difference in the creative processes of writing and music making are way different. After I played the guitar for an hour or so, my little phone keyboard seemed foriegn... I didn't know where the letters were. As I write now though, it is like an instrument. I think the word, and the letters appear. Weird, huh?

Thank you for reading, who ever you are.

Anyone want a kitten?

Its too late to be writing, but I think I will because that's what I'm supposed to be doing... in part. I spent my whole day serving others and fighting off negativity in my thoughts whenever it appeared. I can't think of any better way to spend a day, unless my soulmate happens to be around.

I trained someone new at work; a new waitress who is also a massage therapist, mexican, close to my age, and pretty attractive (female, in case you were wondering). So, start with a base of really good service to my guests (read charity, love and humility), add to that showing someone the ropes who really doesn't know italian food (read patience), plus keeping my desires to flirt in check (read chastity), throw in the everyday patience with my support staff who are great but easily distractable, and some serious miami beach sun and heat, and you have a day where you really like that first sip of ice cold beer when you finally get home.

But, I didn't get to go straight home for that beer. I have a friend who is a special project, to say the least. It gives me great joy to be the person she is depending on in her current hour of need, and without sharing anything that shouldn't be shared, I can only say that another couple hours passed dealing with people and systems who don't care much about service, but care a lot about their bottom line, and their cell phones.

I did finally get home, only to find my parking space blocked by someone who's come to a party upstairs to watch the Heat play their first semifinal game at home against the chicago bulls. No worries, I got them to move the car.

Billy, the jack russell, has fleas. So whenever he comes near me, three or four of the little f***ers choose me as a potentially more desirable host. But in miami, its humid enough that my skin provides enough friction to just roll the little buggers up and kill them easily.

I know I'm going on and on, and I'm not trying to make myself out as anything other than someone who has tons of opportunities to be negative... just like you.

I think it was Ziggy Marley who said that (to paraphrase) being negative only feeds the devil. This is another lesson for me. Any negative thought that I allow to become a negative behavior only creates negativity in the world. Pride, wrath, envy, gluttony, greed, lust, or sloth...

I made the best ribeye steak tonight that I've ever cooked on a george foreman grill. Accompanied by boiled (my steamer is in storage) asparagus, cooked to perfection. And washed down with a surprisingly good pinot noir by robert mondavi. Whole meal cost less than 10 bucks. Two more for the krispy kreme donuts I'm about to eat.

This is the good life. I am a month behind on my rent, but my landlord is cool. My other bills will get paid as soon as I can pay them. I have really good friends who I respect, and who respect me. And I have a simple, honest job to buy my daily bread. I love, and I am loved. That's all that matters. The other stuff is small, and I never sweat the small stuff.

So the miami heat won tonight, I will soon hear the bed squeeking above me as my neighbors celebrate. Its past my bed time, and I'm going to bed, clean again, and ready for one more day that is full of shit. Beautiful shit, because it helps me be less seperate from god.

A close call

I talked to my sponsor tonight. He doesn't read my blog, or even use the internet, as far as I know. But he answered the phone when I needed to hear a sane voice for just a minute. So he won't know how grateful I am that he was there for me. Or maybe he already knows.

Alcoholics anonymous, I agree with the dalilahma, is western society's greatest gift to man in the twentieth century.

I had a moment of weakness tonight. After almost a year clean, I thought about the fact that I had cash in my pocket, a day off tomorrow, and a dealer's phone number who would deliver to me. And I recognized that I was some place I shouldn't be. I tried to call a couple friends without success, and, for the first time in more than a year, I called this old cuss of a truck driver from texas who guided me through the first few steps a long time ago. And he picked up, and he pulled me out.

The devil is always waiting, but so is god. We each make the choice.

My life is still messed up, and ok, and confidential. And I doubt many will even read this posting, which is alright by me. But I just want to record for posterity that david j is a good man, and he has rescued me from myself more than once. May god bless his soul.

Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi

http://silkworth.net/aa/stfrancis.html