I bought myself a used bicycle about two weeks before christmas. Someone stole it about a week ago. I had it locked infront of the apartment where I always do, chained with one of those coiled steel cable locks that open with a combination. Four digits, 9999 possible combinations, and mine was nowhere near 1 or 9999. When I woke up in the morning, the bike and the lock were gone.
I was upset, but knew there was nothing I could do to get it back, so I set about accepting, and getting over it. I had to walk 15 minutes to work instead of biking five. My roommate and our friend bought bikes at the same time, now I can't ride places with them. I will buy another one sometime before too long, and I will get one of those alloy U-locks that lock the crossbar with a key. I hate keys, but those locks seem to be the best.
It is a week later, and I still find myself getting angry about it. To me, that's a signal that there is something I need to pay attention to. Anger let's you know something is wrong, so you can do something about it. There is nothing for me to do, so why am I getting angry? Will whatever is behind the anger come out sometime in some inappropriate and destructive manner?
So I was walking home from work tonight, felt angry, noticed I felt angry, and wondered why I was still angry. What comes to mind when I allow myself to feel the anger?
I am walking and I am tired. It was so nice to leisurely ride home and be there in five minutes. Someone has made my tired old body work harder, and made the beach less accessable to me... Can I let that go? Maybe there was a good reason why my bike was stolen. Maybe the increase in exercize is what I need to keep lung cancer or a stroke at bay. I actually like walking, I will buy another bike soon, so yeah, I can let that go... is there still anger? Yup.
Okay, what's it feel like? Someone stole my property. I work hard for my money, it isn't right for someone else to take what I have earned, when I haven't freely given it to them. It isn't fair. Yeah, that's closer. It resonates more. Can I let that go? ... Life isn't fair. Nothing is permanent. Everything changes. Possession and ownership are illusions and fleeting. Life is basically unsatisfactory (dhuky). These are core beliefs of mine, so yes, I can let that go too... is there still anger? ... Yup.
What does it feel like? It hurts. I loved that beat up old bike that I thought no one would want to steal. I bought it for myself. The first thing, other than clothes for work and stuff I had to have, that I've bought myself in a very long time. The last thing I can remember buying for myself is a Nikon digital SLR. Beautiful camera. I bought it in 2007... it was stolen by movers when I was transferred from philly to atlanta. God that hurt, it still hurts... now we're getting somewhere.
I bought that bicycle as a present for myself, because I felt like I deserved it. It only cost $55. Having it stolen made me feel like I didn't deserve to have it. I can kind of understand a $2000 camera that I bought on credit being taken from me, but a $55 bicycle that I paid cash for?!?
If this isn't the bottom of the anger, it is atleast significant. Fear is always behind anger. I am affraid I am unworthy of having anything nice. Wow, that almost makes me want to cry... can I let that go?
I am mostly a good person. I am not perfect, I make mistakes. I can be selfish and uncaring. But most of the time, I try to be kind, generous, considerate, and loving. People treat me in such a way that I believe they mostly feel those good things from me. I don't feel guilt very often, and when I do, I try to make appropriate amends. So, maybe I am good enough to deserve a bike and other nice things. Maybe I have a conceptual error; maybe having nice things has nothing to do with deserving them. That's gotta be true, if I take one look around me. But just because other people, bad people have nice things doesn't mean I am like them. In fact, maybe having nice things makes you bad? Afterall, I really don't need anything I don't already have...
Do I still feel anger? No, I feel naked. Can I deal with that? Being naked is better than being angry, so yes I can. Have I gotten to the bottom? I don't know. I won't know until I feel angry again, remind myself that I am okay, deserve love, and see if the anger disappears. But for tonight, that's enough. One psychic surgery at a time is all I can handle.
Life is good. I am cultivating inner peace by pulling one angry, greedy, lazy, prideful, lustful, envious, or gluttonous weed at a time.
I love you, but I'm still working on loving myself. Good night :)
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