Sand baths

I simply cannot afford to induldge in anger. Anger distracts me. It takes me out of being present when I wait on my tables. I lose things, and I lose money when I let myself stay angry.

It has been too chilly at night lately to take a sand bath. I don't think I've described that yet. My Israeli bartender friend turned me on to it. You sit at the edge of the surfline, pick up handfulls of wet sand, and vigorously scrub your whole body with it. Rinse in the sea, then with fresh water. Shampoo if you have hair. It leaves you feeling very clean.

So it has been too cold lately to get naked on the beach at night, let alone naked and wet, until tonight. So I am having a glass of wine, cheerfully waiting for it to get dark enough so I won't offend my neighbors, and guess who comes rolling up on their four-wheelers? You got it, Miami Beach's finest... Well, first of all, I am subject to arrest for drinking wine on the beach. Second, where do I live? It is THE SAME guy that frisked me that first night. Staying with a friend at... do I have permission to search your bag? Seems some woman had her phone stolen by a white guy in a white t-shirt... right. When were you arrested last? I don't think "fuck you" is a very smart response.

Long story, short version; I stay at peace, and still get kicked off the beach and don't get my sand bath. I figure had I stayed I may have been mugged. And also, as I'm sitting off the beach putting my shoes on, a whole bunch of people come walking out after me. Guess there were a lot of phones stolen tonight...

Today at noon, when everyone was waking up after partying all night, and comming for breakfast, we ran out of eggs. We didn't get low on eggs. After I sold two omlets and two eggs benedict, we had no more eggs. Shortly after, I was reprimanded for selling two eggs for $2.00. It was a side of scrambled that the waitress I am training rang up as eggs any style. That dish comes with a bunch of stuff. Only the scrambled eggs came out. I saw them, the server saw them, but somehow it was really the full plate. And no wonder breakfast sales are falling when I sell a $6.50 plate for $2.00. All this after I worked a party, as a barback (hard work), until 5:00, then had to be back at 10:00.

I contemplated walking out again, but I had this really strange, almost surreal calmness the whoke time. Maybe it was shell shock, maybe it was divine intervention. When we ran out of eggs, the restuarant emptied very quickly, and things got dicey. Evil owner-wife yelled at the drunk cook for easily 5 minutes straight over the radio. I got yelled at, my trainee got yelled at. After maybe 45 minutes of yelling, they both left. I guess she said she will never come back to the restuarant again. We should be so lucky.

Things got quiet. We didn't set the empty tables or solicit customers. Still, I got a two-top. I really wonder about who would sit in that place, looking the way it did. Turned out to be a good check, and they left me a couple bucks over. And we all just sat for two hours because we couldn't find the spirit to go on. Till the husband came back. I set the tables, my trainee walked around, but she wouldn't take any more tables. I had four. I think it broke her, don't think I'll see her again. So much for evening shifts and days off. Actually, I'm still going to take a day off. I need it.

I am really tired, salty, and stinky. My wonderful plans for becomming king of the restuarant are set back a bit. But basic training was worse; atleast I can drink if I feel like it, and I don't have to do push-ups. I am not worried about my soulmate, my two female friends, my job, or my boat. I made it through the day, and I am still sucking air. Ready to go to sleep and do it again tommorow.

The owners now have a letter of intent to purchase, and I'm going with my friend again tomorrow to dance to live reggae. Life goes on whether I am angry or not. Things go smoother, and I enjoy it more though, when I don't induldge my anger. It is a choice.

A little o dis, a little o dat...

I absolutely love these ad's that are appearing on my blog. I think they are computer generated by some AI program. Hillarious... I mention my army blanket and get a page full of blankets. Really what I would prefer is links to places where you can find. buy, or read more about, the books, music, quotes, science, that I mention. That would be meaningful and useful. If I were blogging on a real computer in the comfort of my cabin, I would make it so. But because I'm blogging via my phone, usually at the beach at night, I'm afraid we're just going to have to enjoy what Google provides... for now anyway.

Here on Miami Beach, there are a lot of people on vacation. They are happy to be care-free. This has a ripple effect where in general, people are happy and accepting. In non-vacation destination cities, people are more frugal, judgemental, and concerned about what the guy on the street is doing... just a footnote about the culture here.

I am making progress at work. Finally there is another server on my shift. She isn't great, but she shows up more or less on time, and sort of helps with the set-up. She can hopefully become comfortable with the menu and specials enough to be effective on her own soon... actually by Monday. Because she is willing to work days, six a week, I can have one day off, and work two evening shifts. I have already done about as much as I can do on the day shift to increase our revenue, now I need to make some changes at night.

Breakfast and lunch are really small potatos compared to dinner. But it was necessary to get the day shift solid before I had the "credit" with the owners to make some changes at night. So I had today, plus two more shifts, to show her what she needs to keep making money. To her credit, she was at the restuarant for the two days that I took off. They were crappy weather days, but this morning she was not my friend. By 4:00, I think we had a working rapport. She just needs to know all the irritating little details.

There are also a lot of really attractive people here. As probably the biggest modeling center on the East coast after New York, it shouldn't be surprising. So you have a bunch of "beautiful" people, a bunch of money, a fantastic beach, and generally great weather. Let's see, as a waiter am I going to make more money here, or in Newnan? Doesn't take much thought. If my goal in life is to live on a sailboat, should I be here, or in Newnan? Ditto. The only real reason not to come here was the prevalence of cocaine, something I have had a bad relationship with in the past. Now, I am pretty confident in saying we are divorced. And not on good terms. There will be no ex-sex, or reuniting for me and that ugly drug. I am slowly changing the habits and beliefs and thought-patterns that kept me depressed and wiping out the symptoms by artificially manipulating my brain chemistry for so long.

The days are becomming gorgeous. Clear skys and cool breezes. We are getting close to the end of hurricaine season, and the beginning of cool weather up North. That means more vacations, more money for waiters. I have the day shift competitive with the two restuarants on either side of us, and am about to make my presence felt on the dinner shift. The future's so bright, I gotta wear shades (Huey Lewis and the News...). I am not using drugs, and am not in any disfunctional relationships. Things are looking good.

I am here now, in this position, because I trusted my link to god. Because I relied on it, and allowed myself to be transformed by it. I don't take credit for anything. It is only by paying attention and believing that there is always a way for love to solve any problem that I am surviving. I'm living in my truck still, afterall. But I am happier than I have ever been, and am more confident that I am doing what I was meant to do in my whole life.

So today was ok. It's nice to have ok days sometimes.

What is enough?

Well, I still have a job. Actually, I am still the rock of the day shift. Should I be happy about that? The owners are trying like realitors to sell the restuarant, and I guess that's a good sign. I'm just a little worried that they will either never go away, or be replaced by someone worse. The devil you don't know is worse than the one you do.

It has gotten colder here at night faster than I expected. My good old army wool blankets are in storage in Newnan, and I have no way to get them. I do have a good beach towel, and an Air France blanket. Those should keep me for a couple weeks until I can afford to get to an army surplus store for a real blanket. My jeans are also in storage. I didn't really expect it to take this long to get established. But I am closing in on paying my bills on time, and a savings account is not far after that.

I am stuck in this restuarant. I am supposed to make it a good place. Once, my sponsor, a truck-driving drunk from Texas, was talking to me about people who move from one AA home-group to another. He told me that if you don't think your home-group is the best, don't take your disfunction to another group, stay where you are and make your group the best. I kind of feel the same way about this place. It is begging for someone to make it better. I know how. In fact, if the owners would get out of the way, I have no doubt that I could double their profit within a month, and beat our competition within two... maybe three, but I know I, and the two other competent people there could do it.

BUT, I don't know that what I think is supposed to happen is what is really best. We will see...

Today I got a beautiful singing, dancing flower for a birthday present from my friend. I will never throw it away.

Yesterday, on my birthday, my mother told me that someone once told her, "god's will is perfect, god's love is sufficient". In the absence of my soulmate, I am willing to try to believe and accept that. I don't believe I will ever find a love like her's, and I think I need to be more receptive to the love I get from,,, god... everyday.

I always thought monks were cool, but I never expected to become one. I just wanted a sailboat.

Does god take care of more than coffee?

I am writing early today because I have to charge my telephone through a USB cable connected to one of the liabrary's computers. I have to do this because I think Simone, the evil wife-owner took my charger. I don't know it was her, and maybe it will turn up, but I suspect she threw it away.

I think she may have done this because I walked out of the restuarant yesterday morning and didn't come back. I think I left it. I was pretty upset, and tired. Monday night I went out with two friends to see a reggae band at a local lounge. I haven't done that since I was here eight years ago. It was so great. It was doubley great because I was feeling like the one friend has been avoiding me lately. We danced until about 12:30 when they got tired. I drove, so I took them home, then I came back and danced until 3:30. Then up at 7:00 to get to work at 8:00. At about 8:30 Simone and Luke came in, she was nearly screaming that the restuarant was supposed to be open at 8:30.

In the two months I've been there, we open at 9:00. That's when the host comes, that's when the bartender has usually shown up by. I've only seen Luke there before 9:00 maybe three times, and I have never seen her there before 9:00. I was probably still slightly drunk, and feeling upset about a text interaction I had with my friend after I left the lounge. Something snapped, I smoked a cigarette, then collected my things and said I'd be back Thursday; in two days.

I left and started thinking about the text interaction. On my way back to the club the night before I texted her asking why she hasn't been talking to me. I then pretty quickly forgot I had texted. When I got back to my parking space I found a text from her saying I was being weird, and that I was bothering her. She wrote not to text back. I was drunk, I got really mad. I texted back, insulted her maturity level, I used the F word. In the morning, I looked back over the exchange, and felt like a real schmuck. I sent a couple texts trying to apologize, but the damage had been done. Between the job, the friend, the windy, grey weather, and the hangover and lack of sleep, I felt pretty crappy all day. I didn't drink, and went to bed at 7:30. Didn't get up until almost 8:00 today.

I went to the restuarant and apologized to Luke, said I would be there tomorrow at 8:00. They had the food-runner/ host and a really weak, new bartender. They were starting to get busy. Luke said he has no waiters and asked me to stay. I said no, it's my birthday. I didn't add that he has no waiters because he doesn't pay them and treats them so poorly. I left without gettinng my tips. Went and did my laundry, went back and finally got my tips. Paid my phone bill, and made it here. Right now I'm in between conversations with family.

Sometime between the laundromat and here I had a minor epiphany. Yes, I have been letting my stress level stay too elevated, and yes I have been drinking too much, adding to the stress. I have been feeling myself getting a little crazy. Crazy like starting to loosen my grip on sanity. I have been clinging, in some ways to my friends. Clinging in a drowning man kind of way.

With my friend who I blew up at, I felt like she started avoiding me after we had a discussion where I was drunk and told her about my soulmate, my celibacy, and something about still wanting sex. All of my friends know that I am pretty frank with my feelings and opinions, and that I sometimes get out there when I drink. This was the first time I had shared this side of me with this particular friend. I may have offended her. I tried to ask the next day, but she didn't respond. I still don't know what happened with her, or even if I had anything to do with it. This is where the epiphany comes in.

I was needing her like before I thought I needed my family to rescue me financially. God is taking care of me financially. I want to trust that he will also take care of me emotionally.

Some people believe that humans experience something that can be thought of as an original pain. The dukhy of suddenly being seperate from mother. That might be part of what I've talked about when I've mentioned an aloneness on a very deep level. Jesus said to love each other. Buddha said that to be happy you must live in your present experience without any desire. Without desire that the present will stay the same, or that it will change. Just as my experience of having almost nothing has taught me that I will always have what I need, perhaps my experiences with my soulmate, and subsequent female friends is teaching me that I will always have love. And I remember that the love you take is equal to the love you make (Beatles).

So we will see. My friend is already as perfect as you or I. I don't need anything from her, but I do really like her friendship. I owe her amends for being a drunk jerk, and for expecting that she give me something that really comes from me; acceptance and love.

My friend just now texted me happy birthday. Maybe I'm on the right track?....

Be happy

Life goes on. Feel a little ashamed to presume to translate Jesus. Read him for yourself. Don't think I need to post a reference. Really like the books of John and Mathew. Will catch you up soon. Don't worry...

Something Jesus did...

Saturday 02 oct 2010

I have recently been scolded for giving too many discounts, making the discounts on checks myself, not keeping music playing, and not being on the sidewalk trying to get customers in every spare moment. I feel better. I don't like bad people liking me too much.

My friend who let's me stay in her parking spot today had it out with the husband owner. They have essentially fired her after treating her as badly as, maybe worse, than they treat everyone. She came in and confronted him, in french, for about 20 minutes. I enjoyed it, until I was asked if I thought a co-worker used cocaine at work. Yes, I answered honestly. And no, I don't know it for sure. Just like I don't know the maintenance guy is stealing them blind. But would I bet my last dollar on it? Yup.

The owners asked me again later, after my friend left, I didn't change my story, and the coworker tried to start a conversation about it later. I will tell him what I think to his face, but not at the end of eight long hours when he was 20 minutes late.

Sunday 03 oct

I got interrupted last night by Scott and a zombie flash mob on lincoln road. It seems a lot of people don't know what a flash mob is. It"s a gathering of people connected by the information telecommunication highway; cell phones, email, text, facebook, who spontaneously gather in random places. Last night they were all dressed as zombies and they met at 8:30 at 420 Lincoln road, Miami Beach, FL. There were about 200-300, and I don't know how they all got the message.

Scott had the good camera, but I got a couple shots. I need to start carrying my digital instamatic. After he processes his material, I will post a link.

I think the concept started in NYC. They would have spontaneous parties on a specific subwayline, departing from a specific location at a specific time. A friend says the zombie flash mobs originated in San Diego a few years ago.

So tonight, the restuarant had no waiters. The only stable waiter, the coke-guy, took the day off, and the three trainees who worked last night excused themselves from working. Of course they asked me to work, and I took pleasure in saying I could not, and in leaving as fast as I could.

....

I just walked by the restuarant, and there is a friend of their's waiting tables, who has worked for them before. I think they got what they deserve tonight. They just fired a very good server solely because she is black (mixed race) and they treat their staff so badly that no one but the most desperate will stay.

I learned a little more about coke-guy. He is a squatter in an apartment in bankruptcy proceedings. Not a bad idea. Maybe he is just crazy, like me? We will see...

I resolved something over the last 24 hours. Both of my wives, my one significant other who I never married, and my mixed-race french friend have all been disappointed with me for not "sticking up" for them... lack of a better term. I can recount incidents with each where they expected me to be something contrary to my nature. How do I call her? MRFF? How about Marie? Marie was pissed, disappointed that I didn't tell the owner, Luke, that Simon, the coke-head sqiatter, was indeed a drug-freak. Everyone knows it.

Marie wouldn't see me for almost a day, even though she let me stay and make coffee this morning. Today, when I let the restuarant be short-staffed; let Luke panic a little, she forgave me. We actually forgave each other by text last night, but today, after work, we were ourselves together again. Friends. I couldn't follow the 20 minutes of French, quickly spoken at times, well enough to introject my "wisdom", but I showed my colors today by leaving Luke and his wife, let's call her Simone, because she's freaking nuts, to sleep in the bed that they have made.

I am having friendship incidents with my two other significant friends here in Sofi Sobe today as well. Today seems to be about boundaries. We all live our own lives. We each have our own pain that we have to experience (I believe, because we agreed to it before birth). But we also have eachother that we can share with, and thereby reduce our suffering. Remember that pain is mandatory, but suffering is optional.

I'm going to go out on a limb here, and humbly translate something Jesus did. This was a man who found God. He became a conduit on earth for the divine movement. Buddha did something similar. But there's a difference. Jesus suffered. He suffered a lot. Buddha experienced. Read Herman Hesse's Siddartha. Both of them tell us that if we let go and let god, every little thing gonna be alright. I can't live my friends' pain for them... I have my own. We each have to come to terms with our own lives.

BUT, we have each other to love and make this life a little easier. You make my life easier by reading these rambling thoughts. Love the one you're with!

Grandma Ginnie

My grandmother made me cry today. She told me that when I was about two weeks old she was babysitting me while my parents went to the footbal game. It must have been just after homecomming. My dad was studying engineering, my mom, I think, was supporting him. She told me that she said to me then that she would always be there for me. She is 92 now, I am 47, and she has definitely always been there for me.

So my grandmother is very old now. I talk to her every week or two. She doesn't know how to use the internet, so she can't read my blog. Most of her children have visited her since I started it, and there is internet access where she lives. Probably she just doesn't want to learn how to use the internet. Maybe it is something she is afraid will make her want to stay alive longer. Maybe there is another reason, I don't know. Her family loves her, and she deserves their love. But I told her I would print out a hardcopy and mail it to her so she can read it. I told her it would be my birthday present to her. I hope it doesn't give her a heart attack... just kidding, I know it won't.

She was the one who gave me my wonderlust. When I was around 11 or 12, she gave me her French grammar book. It made me want to go to France. She has always been a bit of a rebel, and I know it is her fault that I questioned authority. She will secretly love reading it. Thank you, Grandma Ginnie.

Sold over $400 today. Was actually chilly last night, and had to cover myself with a towel. Its the weekend again, so I will be in my friend's parking space where it is warmer, and there are more mosquitos. I can't wait until all those little buggers die. Will keep a blanket handy, just in case.

Going to enjoy happy hour with Scott now. Thought I'd give you a picture of my bus stop. Must tell you about Edwin, the host at my restuarant. Another beautiful soul... another time.