Everything will be ok

Sometimes you just know something is right. I'm not sure how many other people get this feeling, but for me it feels like clouds disappear in my mind, and something is suddenly so obvious, I wonder why I didn't see it before.

This happened for me last night. I realized that it is time to go get my things out of storage. I am committed to my next home being a boat, so there is no reason to keep the things I have for my apartment. Of course I will keep my kitchen stuff because I love to cook, and I will have a kitchen on my boat. Actually, a galley... Some things, like my books, I will keep forever, and will put them in a smaller, cheaper storage space here. I will sell most of my things, and that will give me some money to make my truck more comfortable, and pay off some of that title loan. I had the same feeling when my friend told me I had to come back to Miami Beach.

I don't have the same feeling about the restuarant where I am working. The owners are trying to sell it to a group of investors that the promoter has pulled together. Remember? Creating money... anyway, the owners are getting more and more crazy, in that they don't take care of, or manage the restuarant, and they blame all the staff for the lack of business. Don't forget we are in the middle of hurricaine season, European season is over, kids are back in school, and it is still REALLY hot. They haven't noticed the repeat business I have been getting, and today scolded us because we don't get repeat business. I could keep going, but what I want to say is that I don't KNOW what is the best thing to do. Sometimes you have to tolerate some pain and confusion (dhuki).

Today was a good day for me. The waitress who I have trouble working with came after being gone all week, and we had only two tables between 8 and 3pm. It was a good day because, since she was there, I could take off from about 10 until 2. I collected enough money form my recent tips to pay the intrest on my title loan, like I promised, and I got a couple tables after three who gave me enough cash over tips to buy my food, wine, cigarettes until tomorrow. It happens EVERY day.

When I was on my break, I went to the library where I planned to work on this blog a little, but before I did, checked on storage space and looked at one place for a cap for my truck. I sat down to smoke before going in, and got an email. It was from the woman who is my soulmate. So I got to spend two hours talking to her by email, when I normally would have been standing on the sidewalk, in the heat, waiting for tables that never came.

This relationship is another thing that my family, and the most of the rest of the people I know think I am crazy for participating in, yet, I KNOW it is right, even if I don't know when I will ever see her again. I don't think I really want to share too many details in this forum, at this time. It is just another thing that I do because it is right even though most people think it is wrong.

This lesson is profound for me. I am free to be myself, to do what I believe is right, and live the way I want to live because I now KNOW someone is taking care of me. Ask anyone in my family, and they will tell you that I have always done what I want to do. And it is true. And also, up to this point, even though I've always followed my inner voice, I have not trusted it, and have maybe not been able to always discern want versus need. And also, I have needed to feel that someone will always take care of me, and I have created many situations with different people to try to find that someone. Much to the consternation, and sometimes anguish, of those people, and myself too.

I wish I could give this knowing to all of the people who read this. I believe it is there for you as much as for me. I told you, I'm not special. Maybe you already KNOW it :) . But for me, I had to become homeless and hungry for one day to finally begin to trust that everything will be ok.

Spagetti

Yes, I did run. Two miles. It was surprisingly easy, maybe I will run three tomorrow. It was a really nice way to start the day. I highly recommend exercise first thing in the morning. Today I switched to light cigarettes. I haven't drank less today though. A good friend asked me to have a drink after work, and the pleasure of company overrode the healthy lifestyle. Who's to say which is better, being alone and not drinking, or having a drink with a friend?

You may have noticed a couple changes to this blog. I added a translation widget so that the page can be read by some very important friends. There was a french family who I met at the hostel when I was staying there. They were there as I ran out of money. It was a mother and her daughter and son; Skelly, Lolita, and Sebastian. Skelly fed me every day, even though I really didn't need food at the time. I don't know what was behind it, but I really felt a bond with them. Their english is about as good as my french, but when they left for San Francisco, we stayed in touch. Sebastian is in Canada now, Skelly and Lolita are back in France.

For the last hour I have been watching a guy pick through the seaweed line that marks the high tide. I walked by to talk to some other new friends, and asked him what he was collecting as I passed. He said he wasn't collecting, he was picking up... trash. He said he askes anyone he meets to spend 15 minutes doing the same. I told him that whenever I come to the beach, I pick up all the trash within an arm length of my towel. His name is Wagner, interesting, and he is Portugese. So, for Wagner, let's all pick up a couple pieces of trash today.

I want Skelly, Lolita, and Sebastian to be able to read this blog if they want. After I installed the widget, I asked my friend to check it. She is Israeli, and she said it worked, but it was funny in Hebrew. Oh well, what are you going to do? So now I am going to give a little more care to using correct grammer, with the hope that the translation will be more accurate.

Also, I have "monetized" this blog. You will see ads on the side, and I think after each post. I am not really sure yet how it works, but I think I may get money from your reading. If it is offensive, let me know, and I will remove it.

I have so many more things I want to tell you, like about my new surfer friends, and the cool green hat they gave me because I helped them try to find a lost bag. But I am tired. Maybe I will post their website tomorrow, it's pretty gnarly ( ;) ). Life goes on in South Beach, south of fifth street. I am still alive and happy. Getting healthier, and meeting people who think like I do. Never thought that would happen...

Skelly, if you are listening, I miss your spagetti. I don't care what sebastian thinks, I liked it.

What you feed will grow

The weekends are definitely stressful. It's Monday, I got a good night sleep, and I feel significantly better.

I remember when I was a child, I noticed adults had difficulty changing. I could change pretty easily then; I just decided I was going to be different, started to behave differently, and soon the change felt natural. As I grew older, I noticed that change was harder, sometimes difficult. I'm talking about behavior patterns mainly.

A couple times in this blog, I've mentioned accumulating weight, or gravity. This is what I'm referring to; the longer you are someplace, or do something, it becomes more difficult to change. I knew if I stayed in South Beach, I would adapt to the stresses of being here, and overcome them. I would learn how to take care of myself in the new environment, and living would become easier. Likewise, I could have left, gone back to live with my mother, and I would have adapted and overcome there. But I also knew doing so would have made it difficult to get back here. Not to mention the contacts I am cultivating that continue to grow in depth and breadth.

There is a neurological basis for this phenomenon. So as not to be wrong, or boring, I will generalize; your brain builds wiring diagrams to facilitate more rapid behavior, essentially. When you are learning a new skill, you are creating the hardwiring for that behavior. As you become skilled, the circuits become more reliable. This is how it works for behaviors, emotions, thoughts, everything your brain does. Thus the expression, what you feed will grow.

I have also noticed, since I've been here, that it has become easier to change. I have changed my environment, altered the demands on myself, and am thus rewiring myself. That's probably why I feel like change facilitates growth. I don't simply react to my environment, I am able to take a meta-view of myself, my thoughts, emotions, and behavior, and make decisions about future behavior with regard to my values. I raise myself, as long as I continue to grow.

So I want to put my money where my mouth is. I am not happy with how much I am drinking, smoking, and not exercising. I want to drink less, stop smoking, and exercise every day. I recognize that work is hard, and by the time I finish at 4, all I want is a seat, a cold beer, and air conditioning. In turn, drinking leads me to smoke more, and all of the above inhibit me from exercising, in a self-feeding cycle.

Tomorrow morning I am going to try to get up an hour earlier and go for a run. I've notice that in fact, I am able to function before coffee, something I've learned since I can't get any before 7:00 am. I imagine myself waking up and putting my things away, putting on my running shorts, and driving over to the beach. Going for an easy run up the beach.... and so on until I am at Publix at 7:00 am to begin my regular routine. I worked out all the details I could think of earlier today, and have been imagining the new routine several times today. I will go over it again, in as much detail as I can imagine, right before I go to sleep. My belief is that this is how I can accomplish the change I want. I have put some emotional currency into it by telling you, and realizing I will have to report the results.

So there is my seedling idea. By exercising first thing, I will change my whole day. I am feeding it, and we can see if it will grow together.

Beach at night

I like the beach at night. It's too hot during the day. At night, even if someone is 25 meters away, I still have privacy. And except for the weekends, usually the only people I can see are the ones that walk by along the surf.

Privacy. Today I was getting a little desirous of airconditioning, solitude, kenny, my plants, and Bach. Don't get much of any of those lately.

I was feeling a little lonely as I wrote, and I got interrupted by a friend, recently made from the hostel. A text. She was on vacation here and I met her through another friend who lives here, who I also met at the hostel. Anyway, she is Canadian, and we just spent maybe 45 minutes texting, maybe a quarter of it in French. Now I feel good.

It is really amazing how when you pay attention to someone else in an honest way, and activate your brain to communicate with them in a real way, it takes you out of your preoccupation with your self. If you're feeling down, find out what's going on with someone else. I learned that in AA. It's so simple, and it works. Alcoholics Anonymous really is one of the true blessings of this century. An awful lot of the common sense that I pass on in this blog comes from a bunch of drunks. I hope I am not doing them a disservice.

So, I made it through another weekend. I will sleep well tonight, I think, as the Beach is quiet, and the skies are clear. Another difficult day ends well, and my faith is refreshed. Faith really is what carries us. No matter what you have faith in, if you trust that there is something bigger than yourself that you can reach anytime, you are on the right path. In my humble opinion. It works for me. I don't need the baptists, though they seem to need me to preach to.

I love you, blogland. We are all in this together. Be nice to each other, and don't worry about what the baptists think of you.   :)

Everything I've said is probably wrong

I don't think I have said this for awhile, though I hope it is implicit in every one of my posts; I don't think I am special. God loves everyone of us the same. Or, if you prefer, universal truth applies to us each equally. I think the essential elements from my experience are to let go of your pride, ego, self, desires, be as fully in each moment as you can be, cultivate love in each moment (being grateful for what you have helps), and pay attention to the times and things that take you out of loving attention to your present. These are the things that are lessons. And finally, don't ever believe you know, or have anything figured out. Remember that on some level you are mistaken in your understanding. Seek to understand first, and try to never judge.

Anyway, it is working for me, but I could be wrong... :)

Taboo

I think maybe it is time to get a little more real. The world is not christian, nor baptist, nor american. The world is simply full of living things trying to stay alive. Another truth: Nature abhors a vacuum. Any possible thing you can imagine, and more, nature has tried. What works lives, what doesn't, dies.

I won't tell you yet everything I've done and seen, but let's start with homosexuality. I'm really not sure what percent of the human world population is homosexually inclined, but I know it is significant in a statistical sense. Even non-human species are homosexual, bisexual, asexual, and trans-gender. So please, don't bother to tell me that god says love and marriage belong only to heterosexual humans. Unless you feel like giving me a good belly laugh.

There are men that I love with all my heart, and would probably have sex with, given the right circumstances, but whom I respect absolutely. There are women I know who pair with other women who I would feel lucky to have as parents

Right now, I am completely celibate. By choice. I prefer to wait for a soulmate than to have sex for the pleasure of it. I'm not knocking sex, it's fun. It's just that in my emotional world, sex complicates things. It creates dependences when, in a loving friendship, there are no expectations around gender roles and responsabilities. No, I am not trying to avoid responsibility for myself, I am just taking responsibility only for myself.

Something I admire about gay men in this culture, at this time, is that, like me, they have had to buck society to follow their own inner truth. I feel very comfortable with gay man and lesbian women because they follow what they believe god tells them is their own true nature. They dance to a different drummer, and I can hear the drum-beaters right now saying that Satan is speaking through me. My response? Satan is the dark side of the god I love. I choose to seek, and follow the higher good.

I think maybe that's enough frank-speak for the moment. Live well, and prosper.