I'm the ugly one on the right...

I bought myself a used bicycle about two weeks before christmas. Someone stole it about a week ago. I had it locked infront of the apartment where I always do, chained with one of those coiled steel cable locks that open with a combination. Four digits, 9999 possible combinations, and mine was nowhere near 1 or 9999. When I woke up in the morning, the bike and the lock were gone.

I was upset, but knew there was nothing I could do to get it back, so I set about accepting, and getting over it. I had to walk 15 minutes to work instead of biking five. My roommate and our friend bought bikes at the same time, now I can't ride places with them. I will buy another one sometime before too long, and I will get one of those alloy U-locks that lock the crossbar with a key. I hate keys, but those locks seem to be the best.

It is a week later, and I still find myself getting angry about it. To me, that's a signal that there is something I need to pay attention to. Anger let's you know something is wrong, so you can do something about it. There is nothing for me to do, so why am I getting angry? Will whatever is behind the anger come out sometime in some inappropriate and destructive manner?

So I was walking home from work tonight, felt angry, noticed I felt angry, and wondered why I was still angry. What comes to mind when I allow myself to feel the anger?

I am walking and I am tired. It was so nice to leisurely ride home and be there in five minutes. Someone has made my tired old body work harder, and made the beach less accessable to me... Can I let that go? Maybe there was a good reason why my bike was stolen. Maybe the increase in exercize is what I need to keep lung cancer or a stroke at bay. I actually like walking, I will buy another bike soon, so yeah, I can let that go... is there still anger? Yup.

Okay, what's it feel like? Someone stole my property. I work hard for my money, it isn't right for someone else to take what I have earned, when I haven't freely given it to them. It isn't fair. Yeah, that's closer. It resonates more. Can I let that go? ... Life isn't fair. Nothing is permanent. Everything changes. Possession and ownership are illusions and fleeting. Life is basically unsatisfactory (dhuky). These are core beliefs of mine, so yes, I can let that go too... is there still anger? ... Yup.

What does it feel like? It hurts. I loved that beat up old bike that I thought no one would want to steal. I bought it for myself. The first thing, other than clothes for work and stuff I had to have, that I've bought myself in a very long time. The last thing I can remember buying for myself is a Nikon digital SLR. Beautiful camera. I bought it in 2007... it was stolen by movers when I was transferred from philly to atlanta. God that hurt, it still hurts... now we're getting somewhere.

I bought that bicycle as a present for myself, because I felt like I deserved it. It only cost $55. Having it stolen made me feel like I didn't deserve to have it. I can kind of understand a $2000 camera that I bought on credit being taken from me, but a $55 bicycle that I paid cash for?!?

If this isn't the bottom of the anger, it is atleast significant. Fear is always behind anger. I am affraid I am unworthy of having anything nice. Wow, that almost makes me want to cry... can I let that go?

I am mostly a good person. I am not perfect, I make mistakes. I can be selfish and uncaring. But most of the time, I try to be kind, generous, considerate, and loving. People treat me in such a way that I believe they mostly feel those good things from me. I don't feel guilt very often, and when I do, I try to make appropriate amends. So, maybe I am good enough to deserve a bike and other nice things. Maybe I have a conceptual error; maybe having nice things has nothing to do with deserving them. That's gotta be true, if I take one look around me. But just because other people, bad people have nice things doesn't mean I am like them. In fact, maybe having nice things makes you bad? Afterall, I really don't need anything I don't already have...

Do I still feel anger? No, I feel naked. Can I deal with that? Being naked is better than being angry, so yes I can. Have I gotten to the bottom? I don't know. I won't know until I feel angry again, remind myself that I am okay, deserve love, and see if the anger disappears. But for tonight, that's enough. One psychic surgery at a time is all I can handle.

Life is good. I am cultivating inner peace by pulling one angry, greedy, lazy, prideful, lustful, envious, or gluttonous weed at a time.

I love you, but I'm still working on loving myself. Good night :)

Fwd: Sorry, no picture tonight :)

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: "mark kilburn" <mkilbu01@gmail.com>
Date: Jan 3, 2012 10:15 PM
Subject: Sorry, no picture tonight :)
To: "go@blogspot.com" <go@blogspot.com>

I am not far enough South yet! Yesterday was the beginning of the first cold front of the season for miami beach. Tonight the forecasted low is 39 F. That is simply uncivilized to me, and while I know my friends and family up North and out West are chuckling at me while they endure snow and sub-freezing temperatures, I live (by choice, I might add...) on a sub-tropical latitude.

So here, we get two months or so of chilly weather, with three day bursts of what I call cold weather (read lows in the 40's, or... brrr... in the high 30's) in a kind of Gaussian pattern centered around the first of february. Translation: january and february are my least favorite months here, and I am really happy when we get our first 80 degree day sometime in the beginning of march. December this year was incredible! Last year I was shivering before christmas, today is 3 jan 12. A blessed four week reprieve to the onset of winter.

But the first cold snap of the season is not the real reason I am writing tonight. The last two weeks, christmas through the new year and the surrounding days, are what they call "high season" here. These 14-21 days (depending on when they fall) are the among the busiest of the year. Holloween is, I think, acually the busiest day, but I'm talking about weeks now. People from mostly the Northeast, the Midwest, and Western Europe all plan their holiday vacations with their spoiled, obnoxious children for a week or so in sunny miami. Or, the barely legal prodgeny of the aforementioned parents, plan their holiday break in South Beach, where else? So they can start next semester with a hangover and a good tan...

I actually am enjoying the first day of three glorious days off, the first multiple day-off week since Thanksgiving. But even that is not what I really want to write about tonight.

Tonight I had a chance to read the news from multiple sources for the first time in three weeks. I had a serious existential conversation with two of my closest friends about what is the most effective way to positively influence the world, and as I sit on my porch wearing a blanket over my head to keep warm, I just had an altercation with a wandering drunk who wanted a cigarette and some of my wine. He got some harsh words instead, and I got another thump on the head from god telling me to get to the point.

I am a staunch democrat. To me, that means I expect the money I pay in taxes, and I don't mind paying a little more, to be used to help the people I can't help myself. I consider taking care of my little corner of the world; loving my family and my neighbor, and treating them as I would have them treat me, to be beyond politics. This is the core of a GOOD existence. I don't care if you are republican, democrat, independant, socialist, liberal, communist, or nazi, you must take care of first yourself, and then ALL of those around you (to the best of your god-given ability).

Once you have that little primary directive squared away, then you can start talking about your politics. To me, that means how the money I give to the government that represents me both nationally and internationally, is spent. In this respect, I am a democrat.

My friends cornered me a week ago to tell me about a Belgian family that kept their kids in the basement and sexually and emotionally abused them for 20 years, and my friends were outraged when I didn't really show any emotional response whatsoever.

I met a man in the keys, about 20 years ago, who shocked me by telling me that he never watched the news. I was a CNN junkie back when it was only headline news. His name was Ray, or David, depending on whether he trusted you or not, and he said the news was all about stuff he couldn't change, and his life didn't change whether he watched it or not. I was flabbergasted, but I never forgot his words.

Over the last 20 years I have come to realize that he spoke a TRUTH to me. There are way too many things; ugly, nasty things in this world that I can never change. I told my two friends tonight that I see evil, selfishness, and greed everyday, here, now, at work, and on the street. Every day, I try to radiate love and peace, I curb my negative instincts, and try to help those close to me want to do the same. It is up to them. It is up to you and to me, how much energy we want to spend on this peace/god/love thing. To be honest, I've lapsed a little over the past two weeks.

AA has a saying; hungry, angry, lonely, tired. HALT. When you feel those things, even one, stop and check yourself because your next stop could be a liquor store, or an altercation with your employer, or your neighbor... get the picture?

Well, I've been tired, and angry, and with the holidays, lonely. I haven't even thought of using, but I haven't thought about much besides myself either.

Tonight I woke up. I made it through the "holidays", again. I played my guitar today for the first time in almost a week, and I reclaimed myself. I am a buddhist, an artist, a democrat, and I believe and trust that there is a god who takes care of me even when I can't.

I promise to never stop trying to take care of my corner of the world. It makes me a little sick to give this credit, but George Bush Sr. got it partially right with his "thousand points of light" idea. Problem was that he forgot that there is a world beyond my sphere of influence that I pay our perverted, yet duly elected, representatives to handle for me. I expect the philosophy of love and respect, that I strive to live by, day in and day out, in south miami beach, to be the same code that we, as a nation, participate in what is so clearly a global community in all that the label entails.

There is a major evolution of human society taking place around us as I speak. We are decades away, as a society, from catching up with the technology that has made "nation" an outdated concept. We are not americans, armenians, brits, belgians, russians, nor africans anymore. We are Earthlings. Within the next 10 years, yes, by the time I am 58, we will find life outside our galaxy. Then or diplomatic skills will really come to the test.

I pay taxes with the expectation that those around me also take care of their families and their neighbors to the best of their abilities. It is only an expectation, and I recognize that sloth, one of the seven deadly sins, is pervasive in my nation, and my culture. I am one voice. And I am imperfect.

It is 55 F at 22:02, and dropping. Some would wish they were here, others are glad they are not. I am reclaiming my love for this planet and it's humanity, while I reserve the right to be a crotchety old bastard when I want, because I am pretty sure, I've earned the right. I will gladly take critiques from anyone, but I will receive it better if you are older than me.

Sorry no pictures tonight. I love you.

Oh yeah, and as for homeless people like I once was, do what I did, play to your strengths, trust in god, and don't ask me for any more cigarettes. I bummed ONE cigarette in four months of being homeless. It isn't about need, it is about motivation. Do something!