Anyone want a kitten?

Its too late to be writing, but I think I will because that's what I'm supposed to be doing... in part. I spent my whole day serving others and fighting off negativity in my thoughts whenever it appeared. I can't think of any better way to spend a day, unless my soulmate happens to be around.

I trained someone new at work; a new waitress who is also a massage therapist, mexican, close to my age, and pretty attractive (female, in case you were wondering). So, start with a base of really good service to my guests (read charity, love and humility), add to that showing someone the ropes who really doesn't know italian food (read patience), plus keeping my desires to flirt in check (read chastity), throw in the everyday patience with my support staff who are great but easily distractable, and some serious miami beach sun and heat, and you have a day where you really like that first sip of ice cold beer when you finally get home.

But, I didn't get to go straight home for that beer. I have a friend who is a special project, to say the least. It gives me great joy to be the person she is depending on in her current hour of need, and without sharing anything that shouldn't be shared, I can only say that another couple hours passed dealing with people and systems who don't care much about service, but care a lot about their bottom line, and their cell phones.

I did finally get home, only to find my parking space blocked by someone who's come to a party upstairs to watch the Heat play their first semifinal game at home against the chicago bulls. No worries, I got them to move the car.

Billy, the jack russell, has fleas. So whenever he comes near me, three or four of the little f***ers choose me as a potentially more desirable host. But in miami, its humid enough that my skin provides enough friction to just roll the little buggers up and kill them easily.

I know I'm going on and on, and I'm not trying to make myself out as anything other than someone who has tons of opportunities to be negative... just like you.

I think it was Ziggy Marley who said that (to paraphrase) being negative only feeds the devil. This is another lesson for me. Any negative thought that I allow to become a negative behavior only creates negativity in the world. Pride, wrath, envy, gluttony, greed, lust, or sloth...

I made the best ribeye steak tonight that I've ever cooked on a george foreman grill. Accompanied by boiled (my steamer is in storage) asparagus, cooked to perfection. And washed down with a surprisingly good pinot noir by robert mondavi. Whole meal cost less than 10 bucks. Two more for the krispy kreme donuts I'm about to eat.

This is the good life. I am a month behind on my rent, but my landlord is cool. My other bills will get paid as soon as I can pay them. I have really good friends who I respect, and who respect me. And I have a simple, honest job to buy my daily bread. I love, and I am loved. That's all that matters. The other stuff is small, and I never sweat the small stuff.

So the miami heat won tonight, I will soon hear the bed squeeking above me as my neighbors celebrate. Its past my bed time, and I'm going to bed, clean again, and ready for one more day that is full of shit. Beautiful shit, because it helps me be less seperate from god.

A close call

I talked to my sponsor tonight. He doesn't read my blog, or even use the internet, as far as I know. But he answered the phone when I needed to hear a sane voice for just a minute. So he won't know how grateful I am that he was there for me. Or maybe he already knows.

Alcoholics anonymous, I agree with the dalilahma, is western society's greatest gift to man in the twentieth century.

I had a moment of weakness tonight. After almost a year clean, I thought about the fact that I had cash in my pocket, a day off tomorrow, and a dealer's phone number who would deliver to me. And I recognized that I was some place I shouldn't be. I tried to call a couple friends without success, and, for the first time in more than a year, I called this old cuss of a truck driver from texas who guided me through the first few steps a long time ago. And he picked up, and he pulled me out.

The devil is always waiting, but so is god. We each make the choice.

My life is still messed up, and ok, and confidential. And I doubt many will even read this posting, which is alright by me. But I just want to record for posterity that david j is a good man, and he has rescued me from myself more than once. May god bless his soul.

Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi

http://silkworth.net/aa/stfrancis.html

The Third Step Prayer

http://silkworth.net/aa/3rd.html

Still searching...

Every once in awhile I try to remember the seven deadly sins. Tonight I couldn't remember two, so I looked it up on the web. I was forgetting lust and wrath. I'm okay with lust. I've been celibate for quite awhile now, but there was a time when I really had to deal with lust.

Wrath, though is the one I conveniently forgot. There are some very unjust and stressful things happening around me right now, and I've found myself having fantasies of righteous indignation and divine retribution. I know that's vague, but frankly, the details are none of your business.

The first point is that it is amazing how our minds justify ourselves. Without careful oversight we can thoughtlessly do really mean things and totally believe we are right to do them. I'm not talking about oversight from others, I mean watching ourselves. Monitoring my emotional state. When I get angry or fearful, it is a flag that something is wrong. It is up to me to figure out what it is. And that's the tricky part, because my mind is hardwired to believe I am right about my assumptions. In fact, assumptions can become "facts" in the blink of an eye. But I'm pretty sure I've made this point before.

The second thing is that there are also seven cardinal virtues which overcome the seven deadly sins. Patience is the cure for wrath. Two ways to look at it. Am I being vengeful? Am I lacking patience? Same coin, same common denominator inhibiting my spiritual growth.

I haven't been writing because I don't want to share some things with people who will make assumptions about me and my life. God is the only one who I answer to, the only one who can judge me. Nevertheless, people make judgements everyday. They create a map in their minds of their reality. It helps them be good people for the most part, and I speak only about those I know. Every one does it; creates a model of the world and its workings. That's how we function and create. In my opinion though, the very smart among us recognize that the map in their heads is not the true state of things, but is filtered and distorded to varying degrees by the context of our own lives.

The map is not the territory. If you try to define the devine you will fail. Reality, the truth, god, is bigger than our heads. Our heads are defined by god, yet we endlessly try to believe that we know what is the truth. Humans are peculiar. Once I know something, I an very reluctant to unknow it and believe otherwise.

I believe that I know nothing. The things I think are facts can become lies or illusions at any moment. I only trust the god that speaks to me from within. One thing though, I can always find; love. Whether it is the love of an electron for its nucleus, the love that makes water seek itself, or the love I feel everyday at work, at home, from my soulmate, and from that divine spirit that creates my reality. To quote the Beatles, "love is all there is".

So I bookmarked the wikipedia page of the seven deadly sins and the seven cardinal virtues. When life is crazy, it is good to have some guidelines.

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seven_deadly_sins

I'm still okay

Just had a friend tell me I'm a charged particle but I also have a nucleus... I like that. Things keep changing, and sometimes I don't like that. I don't want to talk about my life much right now because there are too many things about other people, and I don't want to hear other others judging me or my friends. You can't make a valuable opinion about someone else until you have walked a mile in their shoes.

I'm okay. I'm stable and surfing the wave of life to the best of my ability. I recently told another friend that I will be glad when I die. Relieved, actually because I will finally be finished with all of this. I'm in no hurry to bring on that ending. That's not my decision, just like my life really isn't mine. I'm here doing my best to do what I'm supposed to do to the best of my understanding. Just hope I'm getting it right.

I like the way the sea smells

I can think of only one thing better than sitting on the beach at night listening to reggae, and that is sitting on a boat at night listening to reggae.